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Ezra didn’t think as he staggered into the lounge, it was just down the hall from the cabin he shared with Zeb, and it was the first place his feet carried him.
The grogginess of sleep still blurred the edges of awareness and every couple steps he took he had to pause to collect his balance. Unfortunately though the last shattered fragments of sleep did nothing to dull the race of adrenaline just under his skin.
The air felt cold. His entire body was shivering… trembling?
Why?
He could breathe, he was breathing. The floor was firmly beneath his feet, he could feel it- in his dazed rush to get out of his room he’d completely forgotten his boots- and yet it almost felt like he was floating.
His body was still there, he was still in control, but it felt… detached. Everything was there, it was the same as always, but something in his mind wasn’t registering it.
There was too much- and yet not enough.
Numb. He was numb… he couldn’t feel anything.
Nothing was right. He could see them. They had smiled at him.
It wasn’t a nightmare.
At least not the kind with dark claws that reached for him, or suffocating emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole.
It couldn’t have been a nightmare. Not when he’d suffered through dreams that were so much worse.
But…
His parents… he saw them, they were right there- and then they weren’t.
Breathing.
Air in and out and in and out. His steps faltered.
The floor was still beneath him. Good. That was good. He just had to hold it together.
There was a burning sensation behind his eyes, but he couldn’t let himself feel it. If he did then he knew that he wouldn’t stop feeling it.
He would feel.
Tears would come.
And… and… the air felt thin. It wasn’t working. Breathing was supposed to work. Why didn’t it work?
The air wasn’t working. It wasn’t… it wasn’t.
His mouth fell open, trying to inhale better, to get more air because he couldn’t… he couldn’t feel it- but that was okay because he shouldn't feel… right?
One staggering step.
Hold it together.
There were no tears. No tight wad of tangled something in his throat choking him- it was choking him- his next breath was a gasp- but it died in his mouth, the air didn’t help, he couldn’t he couldn’t-
“Hey kid.”
That was… that was Kanan.
Ezra knew his voice… he knew… and he could see the man sitting at the table, yeah, he could see… but what did that mean? It was just an image, he had seen his parents…
“Kid?” Kanan sounded… concerned, yes, he was looking at him, “Ezra, what’s wrong?”
The man stood up. Why did he stand up? Ezra’s body went rigid, his limbs were still shaking, would his knees give out? He was still standing…
Kanan took a step forward.
That was bad? People hurt him sometimes.
No. Kanan…
Years and years ago. He would wake from nightmares, his dad held him afterwards, or his mom, or both of them. He remembered… they were safe, he was safe.
He just… he couldn’t think, why was everything not making sense? Where…
Kanan was moving again. Ezra was shaking. Kanan stopped.
“Ezra?” The voice was impossibly soft.
No one sounded like that. Not since his parents… there was something there, something that could almost break through the unnatural haze. Ezra inhaled, it was sharp and shuddering.
His… his parents.
Kanan was here. He was close now, but not too close.
There was just so much. And it was all blurry.
The air was playing with him, it just wouldn’t let him breathe and he kept trying to breathe and it just wouldn’t work it wouldn’t-
But Kanan was there.
“Hey, hey… it’s alright.”
No it wasn’t. No it wasn’t. No it… Kanan was there, not reaching for him. But Ezra moved anyway. He stepped- no- he staggered.
Strong arms wrapped around him instantly.
Someone caught him. No one had done that. Not for so long. Not since-
The air wasn’t working. He breathed. He really did. His lungs were going so fast, his chest was rattling, air in and air out and… everything was dark.
“-reathe. Breathe Ezra.” Words, from somewhere. “I need you to breathe.”
He was. He was breathing so much. It was so fast. There was no control over it, he was so good at breathing.
“Slowly, kid, slowly.” The arms around him were firm, but not restrictive, and they were warm.
Just like when his dad…
A high pitched whine- and oh, that had come from him. Everything was dark, but that was because his face was pressed against something, it was warm and shuddered every few minutes, with the words that he didn’t hear.
His face was wet, when had the tears come? He wasn’t supposed to cry. He wasn’t supposed to… it was weak and so so dumb because it never fixed anything- nothing was ever fixed.
And he was alone and he was cold and the ground was hard and his parents were gone. And his body was shaking and he couldn’t breathe and he was dying- was he dying?
But he wasn’t cold, he wasn’t alone, there was a warm hand resting on his back, it was solid, it was real- was it real?
Everything was so dark and fuzzy…
All he could feel was his chest moving fast- so fast… there was no air.
His face was strained, every inch of skin cold, his eyes were wide open but he saw nothing, his mouth hung open as air was pulled useless in and out.
His entire body was rigid, muscles tense, and yet he could barely feel them. His fingers were wrapped tight around something… that was fabric, and he could feel someone- someone close.
He knew who it was, but there were no words in his mind.
No thoughts.
No sense.
Only darkness.
Only haze.
Only fear and loss and panic and run run run…
No. He couldn’t run. His body didn't work. And someone held him. He was trapped. No. He was safe. No. No no no…
“Shhh.”
Someone was there.
“It’s alright kid.”
It wasn’t alright- what did that mean?
“I’m here.”
He wasn’t alone. That wasn’t right…?
“I won’t let you go.”
That was bad. He was trapped and he needed to run run run-
That was good. He wouldn’t fly apart with no one there to pull him back together.
“Just breathe for me, okay? Breathe nice and slow.”
Breathe? Breathe… yes air was rushing in and out of his lungs, but he didn’t know if he could slow it- he wasn’t sure if he wanted to.
But everything was fuzzy. Everything was dark.
And Ezra was falling, he was falling out of his own body- was that even possible? And the voice. The arms holding -caging?- him.
A hand on his back… it rubbed up and down, slow rhythmic circles. That was… that was comfort. It was soothing. It was terrifying.
He wasn’t… he couldn’t… he was alone.
But the someone didn’t leave him. The someone was still there, even as his mind cycled back around again and again- he was alone.
He was alone. He-
“You aren’t alone Ezra.”
He wasn’t alone…
“I’m here, I promise.”
Ezra… stopped. His body shook- it even convulsed a little, he could feel it. His chest stuttered, he couldn’t remember how to breathe.
His eyes, they were still spilling tears, and they were scrunched so tightly closed.
There was someone. With him. Another heart beating inches away from his own. He was warm.
He was… safe?
Yes. Yes. Nightmares always faded. His parents always chased them away.
It must be his dad, because strong arms held him gently in place, undisturbed by how he shook and shuddered and gasped out ragged breaths. Because that was what was happening, he could feel it now, he was breathing too fast.
“Shh, Ezra, I’ve got you.”
One breath. Shaky, small, but it was air, he could feel it.
“That’s it.”
Another breath. This one slightly deeper, and his mouth clicked shut, his teeth clenching.
“You’re doing great, kid.”
And he could breathe. Not normal, not slow. It was heavy and shuddering, wracking his whole body with each desperate gasp.
But he could make noise again. Sobs. Trembling whines. Wrenching gasps that pulled his entire body into convulsions.
The hand on his back never left. The arms around him never faded away into the fog of a dream upon waking. It was real.
He was real.
His dad… no. Not his dad, or his mom.
Kanan.
He could feel the rough fabric of the man’s shirt clenched tightly in his hands. A lifeline.
Kanan was real.
“Shh.” Kanan was comforting him, “Good job, great job, you’ve got it, breathe.”
Ezra breathed. Why was his master comforting him? Ezra thought. Why was someone here at all?
His eyes fluttered, but he couldn’t bring himself to open them yet. He was still trembling… though maybe not as hard. And Kanan was here.
“That’s right,” Kanan said, his voice was so gentle, why was it gentle? No one ever spoke to Ezra like that… “I’m here.”
He was here. Ezra was okay.
But… he was still shaking. The dream… his parents, they were still there, the vividness of the dream was still jarring, it was so raw, so fresh…
But… his breathing was slower. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t. Kanan’s hold on him tightened ever so slightly, reinforcing the revelation.
The minutes stretched. Kanan continued to speak softly, and Ezra continued to half register the words. He heard, but understanding was lost on him. It was like standing completely still as the grass was blown by wind that he himself could not feel.
But he didn’t want it to stop. Every word was a reminder that Kanan was there, his voice was calm, soft, soothing in a way that Ezra was so unfamiliar with after all those years alone.
The hand on his back went still, simply holding him. The other hand had found its way to his head at some point, gentle stroking through his hair. Just like his mother used to do…
Slowly… too slowly his breaths evened out, still shaky and wet with tears, but he could control them now.
The dream… it hadn’t been all that scary. His parents were there. And then they weren’t. That was all. Nothing to be so dramatic about.
How embarrassing.
How pathetic-
“No.” Kanan went still, “It’s not weak or wrong to feel things, Ezra.”
Kriff. Ezra’s shields were probably wrecked if Kanan could sense his thoughts so easily.
Oh well.
He was so tired. And he trusted Kanan. His father- master was safe. Nothing could ever hurt him with Kanan near.
For some reason the man went tense for a moment, and Ezra couldn’t miss the brief flashes of confused, shocked, happy…?
Kanan let out a small hum and pulled him a little closer, his hold was warm and strong and safe. Ezra didn’t move, some distant part of him was terrified that if he moved then he would wake up and Kanan would be gone.
He almost forgot to breathe as well, until Kanan reminded him.
Ezra breathed. And nothing bad happened. He shifted a bit, turning his face away from Kanan’s shoulder. And his master didn’t disintegrate.
It was real. It was real…
Ezra exhaled, his body slumping as his muscles went limp. If he’d been standing then he surely would’ve collapsed.
But he was leaning on Kanan, wrapped in his arms, listening to his steady heartbeat, protected from the entire galaxy.
Kanan didn’t speak anymore. Just resumed smoothing Ezra’s hair and sending gentle reassurance through their force bond. There was something a bit hesitant about it, as if he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, but Ezra hardly noticed.
His eyelids drooped, but he didn’t sleep. He was suddenly exhausted, but he hovered on the edge of awareness, unable to release it so easily.
Kanan understood.
Neither of them moved for a long while, frozen in a moment together. One wishing the quiet could go on forever, and the other determined to make it last for as long as the other needed.