Chapter Text
Embarrassed. Embarrassment. Jax knew these feeling well. Sometimes nothing even happened to cause it. Waking up and catching a glimpse of himself would trigger a feeling of off-ness and that was embarrassing.
Getting caught being nice was embarrassing. It was people seeing weakness. it was shame.
Then.
Then He abstracted. Fell to his knees and cried. Cried and sobbed and uttered out "I don't want to go"
Pomni Stood strong, never letting go as his avatar glitched. Letting him squeeze her as he hiccuped, trembling, just whispering out " I don't wanna live like this." She held tight until the space became brighter, Until Zooble and Ragatha found them, quietly standing as His form stabilized, as his sobs became sniffs, and Pomni tilted his head up, to stare into his eyes, no longer the yellow they had been, remnants of the incomplete abstraction fading as well. Jax blinked, and they were back to normal. "I- I Pomni.. I don't.. I can't stay like this."
Flinching as Zooble and Ragatha made themselves known, And Zooble murmured out "You.. You don't have to. You can change. We know you can."
~~
Even though the trio had all been in the other's memories, it was a week later, after they had gotten to see what their real life counterparts had done. When they all were lounging in the newly constructed Movie room, taking turns showing Caine entertainment they loved. Nothing prompted it, they were actually trying to gauge if Caine would be able to enjoy one of Zooble's favorite movies- or if it was too sore of a subject still. when suddenly Jax sat upright, going still. Gangle noticed first, nudging Pomni.
"I.." he trailed off "I'm not- I can't-" He had been sharing a couch with Ragatha, who just laid a hand over his, a gentle encouragement.
Taking another breath "I'm not a guy. I can't do it anymore. I'm a woman."
Immediately throwing herself back into the corner of the couch, she curled up, desperately wishing she had a blanket to cover up with, when suddenly she had one in her hand oh yeah, they can do that now.
Wrapping herself, she hid her face, not wanting to see the other's stares. to feel the awful disgusting flush of embarrassment.
A few minutes and some mumbling she couldn't understand, and suddenly, she could hear Treasure Planet playing on the screen. Her favorite Disney movie.
Jax peeked out of her cocoon, no one was staring at her, no one had walked away. They had all just settled back to their spots, focusing on the film. But as the film went on and she got sucked into enjoying it, she relaxed. She could breathe. No one had said she was wrong. that she had to get over it. that- she'd never-. She interrupted that train of thought back to the movie, I'm Still Here being her favorite song, drawing her out of her head once more. Slowly, she relaxed- loosening up and stretching back out. Ragatha nudged her, offering a bowl of popcorn one of them had conjured.
Everything was.. normal. No stares, no one was glaring at her. She knew the peace and quiet wouldn't last beyond the end credits, that it could all still go to shit. That any one of them could tell her that it's too late, that she's an embarrassment. But right now? She was with her friends, watching her favorite movie. The rest can wait.
~~~
As she suspected, as the movie drew to a close the others started watch her again. She could feel the stares.
Snapping out "oh Geeze. we're really gonna make a big deal outta this? I'm still an asshole. just. now I'm an asshole and a lady! You don't even have to do anything. I don't expect that. I just-" Cutting herself off she moved to stand, to storm off.
All eyes on her, she could feel their questions. knew the judgment she was going to face.
"Sit your ass back down" Zooble waved their claw at her. "We're not- It is a big deal Jax." they paused, "Still Jax or..?"
She just mutely nodded.
"It's a big deal because we're happy for you. I.. I know what it's like. That fear. especially if you've… never fully come out before."
"I… Tried? Before." she forced out a laugh "Didn't go great. Ended up a statistic. Kicked out. Came here. Came out. Had a breakdown and… Yeah."
Ragatha had teared up "Oh Jax.."
She pulled on her ear, continuing "I don't- I know I don't deserve… "
"Nope. Cutting that thought short. It's not about deserving." Pomni had left her chair, and shoved herself next to her. "I'm glad to meet you, Jax. the real you."
"I refuse to let this be a sappy ass coming out story. No, nope" She huffed, but her panic, that flush of shame had faded.
Caine spoke up, from the pillow fort he and Kinger had been quietly talking in
".. I haven't uh. finished it mostly, but I had been working on a character modification menu. For Zooble. And well, now you. But It will be an option in the future."
Both Jax and Zooble looked at him.
"Oh.."
"thanks Caine"
He awkwardly returned to the fort, to update Kinger.
"well. If you want something else to wear, I can help design it?" the cast had the option to dress their avatars differently now , most of them taking it and running and Gangle had been the go to for actually creating their ideas, Pomni requesting almost an entire wardrobe of leggings and oversized shirts. "So millennial" Had been Jax's reply, saying she saw no reason to change their clothes now when it was obviously pointless.
Now however, Jax nodded with a "thank you" pointed towards her. "That's it? no questions? not gonna ask me why?"
"Nope! We don't need to know. If you wanna tell us everything, let us be here for you then like, yeah. go ahead. But.. Honestly I think we're all glad you finally just… Let yourself."
She stared down at her hands. Fiddled with her gloves "I… I feel like She'd hate me. I- I made her.." Jax cut herself off, knowing they would understand. Immediately Ragatha grabbed her again. "No, Jax you can't- you can't think that. After everything? I know she'd be so proud of you. Glad you finally were able to tell us, to be yourself. Ribbit would Not blame you. not ever"
That's what broke her finally. heaving out a wet sob, and flinging herself onto the doll. Pomni pulling the blanket over her, and stroking a shoulder. Gangle and Zooble just watching quietly.
Minutes passed, with Jax finally collecting herself. "Thank you…" She murmured wiping at her face, reaching her snot covered glove towards Pomni "ugh. gross!"
She Snickered, "There ya go PomPom!" Before a box of tissues getting chucked at them, from probably Zooble.
"Since I got to skip the line, who's next?" And Gangle raised a hand, movie already chosen.