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The library is quiet when Joe enters, almost eerie, filled with forgotten longing from many years. With echoing laughter and soft, sinful gazes that led to more sinful things.
It is there, standing in the aisle he used to frequent more times than he should have, that he finds him.
“Joe? Is that you?”
Joe looks up from his book, his hold steady as ever, he’s practiced for many years to finally make use of that emotional visor.
He turns to the voice behind him, close, dangerously so. He comes face to face with his lost love, forgotten as they promised it never will be in secret places and damp sheets.
Sinful. Impure. That’s the memory Joe carries with him now. Not good. Not...clean. God is happy with him now, no longer thundering his wrath on his filthy sodomite lust.
“Mek.” He keeps his voice neutral, almost flat, willing his heart to maintain that regular rhythm that belongs only to a person that vowed celibacy years ago. “Hi.” He gives a curt nod, a hint of a smile, polite and hollow.
Not at all like the one Mek is greeting him with; his smile is open, vulnerable, radiant, accompanied by tears shimmering his besotted gaze, making him more beautiful than Joe remembers.
He’s grown into a magnificent man, and that familiar yearning whispers to him in the distance, no longer inhabiting Joe’s heart. He keeps it at arm’s length, still not as far as he wants it to be. As God wants it to be.
“It’s been so long. God, how long has it been, Joe?” He takes one step closer, than another, and he watches with a broken heart how Joe takes equal steps back, like he’s afraid he’ll fall into his trap. How you have changed, Joe.
They were in love once, years ago. Their hearts beat in sync as Mek wrapped him in his embrace and made love to him with the cross hanging over their heads, and that’s what destroyed their love in the end. That looming shadow, the guilt that never left Joe’s body even as he let the voice of pleasure escape his trembling lips.
“Five years Mek.” Joe clears his throat and returns the book to the self, and regrets it instantly, because now he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. “How have you been?” He asks, playing an empty tape of concern that belongs to an acquaintance rather than someone whose tongue memorised the taste of the person standing before him.
“Good. Good.” Mek swallows, plastering a fake smile before letting out a shaky breath and sheds the act. He drops his head and scrunches his eyes shut. “No, no.” His voice breaks, hitched cries wreck his body, and yet, he is not welcomed with any solace, or a pretense consolation. He blows a long breath, his hands on his hips, then looks up. “I have been....lost, Joe.” He confesses with such anguish that it breaks down Joe’s walls for a moment, sadness flickering on his face. No. Longing.
"I have been wandering in a dark place, darker than the ones you have seen. I...” He pauses, “I missed you. Being without you, is the worst kind of hell, and I know, in my heart, that the hell you have feared God will throw you in cannot possibly compete.”
Joe clears his throat and looks away, crossing his arms, uncomfortable.
No. That’s a lie. He’s simply cursing destiny for allowing them to meet. He’d thought he had erased that name from his mind—that smile, that light that envelopes his wounded parts, and look at him now....
“Do you have someone?” Mek asks, with a subtle hope, like it would make a difference whether or not Joe did. He’s chosen celibacy, hadn’t he? Mek can’t compete with that.
“I do.” Joe nods.
Mek lets out a sharp gasp, his face pale, "who?”
“God, Mek.” Joe furrows his brow, like it was obvious. “I told you years ago, I have chosen God, and I will not stray from his path.”
“Oh Joe. What happened to us? What happened to you?”
“I woke up, Mek. God was kind enough to guide me from sin, from you.”
That breaks Mek’s heart into pieces; the implication devastating, as though Mek and sin walk hand in hand.
“Anyway.” Joe swallows, “do you have someone?”
“I don’t.” Mek crowds his space, stepping close enough that Joe catches the scent of his aftershave. The same one Joe made a comment about a long time ago; after their bodies were sated and they could no longer breathe, until they broke into a fit of giggles. Three times is my limit, Mek had said then. If you want more, give me an hour or two. He nibbled Joe’s ear, eliciting a soft moan. Or, I don’t know, maybe my body could recover faster if you let me eat you down there.
Joe gulps from the memory, his flushed cheeks so hot he knows the shade has betrayed him already. “Okay.” He hums, pretending that answer doesn’t make his heart jump with joy.
Mek looks him dead in the eye. “Because I, too, have chosen the path of celibacy the moment you left me, Joe. I have never loved another, and I never will, for as long as I shall live and breathe." Bitter tears stream down his face. He’s never had much pride or dignity when it came to Joe. His world, his soulmate, his everything. They both came from broken homes, the ones that held no ounce of mercy or love, which is why they bonded so strongly, so spiritually.
They found each other’s kindred spirit, and Mek would never have thought that there would come a day, Joe will speak those words; cruel, brutal words.
We’re sinful, Mek. We have sinned and abandoned God for our own selfish desires, our lust. I’m choosing God, and you should too.
“Stop!” Joe raises his hand, stopping Mek before their bodies touch, his palm feeling the heat of his clothed skin. He fights through tooth and nail, trying painfully hard not to steal a peek at his exposed chest where the first two buttons are undone. “Enough, Mek. That is enough. You need to leave, now. I don’t want to see you again, do you understand? I will never, ever, choose you.” Joe’s hurtful words break at the very end, and from that momentary weakness alone, Mek decides there is still hope. There’s gotta be.
“I love you.” Mek lets out in a whisper, his hand hovering near Joe’s cheek. He knows he’s not allowed to touch, so he settles for the air trapped in between.
"God, I have never stopped loving you, Joe. Have you ever loved me?” His voice wavers.
Joe steps back, letting his arms drop to his side, his face hardening in an instant. “What I felt for you wasn’t love, Mek. It was lust. It’s time you realise the difference.”
Mek lets out a loud gasp, he feels the entirety of his being collapsing, folding on itself and turning to dust. He knows it’s a lie. He refuses to believe there is truth in those words.
“Goodbye, Mek.” With a nod and a cold-stoned heart that only feels that way on the surface, Joe turns and leaves Mek right there in the hidden aisle they once shared; where kisses were stolen and childlike laughter warmed the chills of their harrowing past.
He freezes in his tracks, vividly conscious of hopeful eyes watching his every move, and realises, he’s never stopped being....
.....The Lost One.