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1.
The first year of Yui's college life has been rather confusing. It all started with her gaining a roommate in Shimizu Kiyoko after finding out that she did not have "female" written on any of her legislation and the one responsible for dorm room arrangements was being an asshole about this, attempting to deny Shimizu's request to be placed in a girls' dorm room. Yui told her that she doesn't mind and would be happy to be her roommate and Shimizu thanked her, clasping her hands in gratitude which, admittedly, flustered Yui to no end.
Shimizu's a girl, there's no doubt about that and there never was and yet, Yui still found herself blushing around her more often than not. It admittedly took her way too long to figure out why.
Eventually, she found the label bisexual to fit her experiences and she shared this happily with her roommate, who she knew to be supportive on account of her also being part of the LGBTQ+ community (which is a term Yui learned when scouring the Internet, trying to figure out what was going on with her). She kind of maybe forgot about Shimizu being the catalyst to this realization which could have turned into an awkward affair but thankfully, Shimizu wasn't one to pry. She just accepted the information with a nod and thanked Yui for trusting her with it with a smile and that was that.
Well, maybe that isn't right phrase here. If that really was all that happened, Yui might not have called the year that confusing. But of course, it was not.
Eventually, she learned that Shimizu was a lesbian, after they got wine drunk, and decided to gossip and talk about crushes, giggles between the two of them. Shimizu told her that she has only ever had one crush, on an upperclassmen from the track and field team she used to be a part of and Yui told Shimizu about her past crush on Daichi which made them fall into another giggling fit.
When they stopped laughing, Yui stared at Shimizu for what felt like hours but was likely mere seconds before her gaze dropped to her lips almost involuntarily. Shimizu, better at handling her alcohol than Yui noticed and her breath hitched.
Yui's not sure who leaned in first. The kiss was chaste, the both of them pulling away, the blush high on their cheeks and not just because of the wine they drank. They didn't talk about it the next morning.
Or throughout the week, or the following two months.
Once Yui thought she was over it, Shimizu cornered her one evening and kissed her with a ferocity, Yui never saw coming from her. She kissed back without hesitation.
And then that went on for a while—the two of them kissing, without ever talking about it. They would've gone further, probably but Yui made up an excuse to get out of it every time, ultimately bothered by them never putting a label on whatever they had.
So, that part was very confusing.
The confrontation, after over a month of this going on was inevitable. Shimizu told her that the idea of dating Yui made her uncomfortable and though she looked guilt ridden and confused herself, it still hurt Yui. They hadn't talked for a week after this and Yui even considered requesting a new roommate but she knew she couldn't do that to Shimizu so she sucked it up and asked that if Shimizu didn't want to date her, they'd remain friends instead—ones who don't kiss.
Which was fine for a while, until they acquired a bottle of sake and after drinking it, were less than a breath away once more, tasting the rice based liquor on each other's lips; not talking about it in the morning, again.
A week later, Shimizu came to her crying, telling her that she wanted to want this, she wanted to want so badly but she couldn't offer any more than physicality and Yui held her, telling her that it would be fine. That there was nothing wrong with her.
And there wasn't. There was even a name for it. Aromantic, as they'd found out later.
Queerplatonic, as they had chosen to call what they had and it calmed Yui down too, knowing that although maybe it wasn't what she was originally hoping for, it was still a label; it was still something they could call the thing between them.
Yui honestly thought that would be it. That the confusion would be over after that settled, with her first year ending and a few months into the new semester, her life having calmed down. Yet, here she is now, staring at herself in the mirror, wearing Sugawara's borrowed clothes and feeling all sorts of way about it. Giddy and elevated, mostly and so so confused.
This wasn't how her evening was supposed to go. She was supposed to write her essay and then rot in bed until Kiyoko got back from the ball because she never sleeps well when she's alone in the room. The problem arose when one of the friends Kiyoko planned to go with got sick and they had an extra ticket. Yui, of course, didn't have ball appropriate attire but Sugawara was able to lend her a suit and—
Well. Here she is.
She turns this way and that self-consciously, the suit not fitting perfectly. She still feels a sense of euphoria at looking sort of like a boy (which is certainly a thing to unpack) but that self-consciousness seeps into it when she realizes that she is going to spend the night in these borrowed clothes with Kiyoko by her side.
Yui knows that Kiyoko was rather popular in high school—practically everyone she talked to agreed that she was the most beautiful girl in their grade. Honestly, she never felt jealous about this, mostly because she also shared the sentiment. Sometimes she feels so silly, that she hadn't realized sooner that she likes girls. It was always there.
Which is why this makes no sense. As she looks at herself in the mirror, she doesn't really look like a boy, not the way someone like Daichi does but she doesn't look like a girl either, not the way Kiyoko does and although she never wanted to be anything other than a girl—she never felt any dysphoria around being a girl—it's still a sight that brings her joy. The way clothes hide her figure. The way from behind, with her short hair, it would be hard to tell whether one is looking at a boy or a girl.
She doesn't think she wants to be a boy, though. Like, she has no qualms about being a girl. And she's not trans—there's no way she is, right? She knows someone who is, she knows what it's like for Kiyoko, who can be pulled into such a foul mood sometimes about her body or the way people view or address her. She does not experience that.
Which must make this a fluke. Or maybe she's just a masculine woman, who enjoys dressing masculine. Some women do, don't they?
That's probably it. Maybe she could experiment with it more but not in a trans way, just in a masculine woman way, which she is. Sort of. Or can be.
"Yui? Can we come in?" Kiyoko calls eventually and Yui flinches a little, looking herself over in the mirror once more. She's no Kiyoko but she looks good, she thinks. She looks more herself than she would in a dress and isn't that a thought.
"Mhm! I'm dressed already."
The boys don't know about their relationship—not yet. Neither of them really doubts they'd be accepting but Kiyoko is nervous about explaining their relationship to them. Yui thinks she feels the need to clarify things to them that aren't necessarily their business but she sort of gets it. The one person they told—Yui's mom—is convinced that they're dating, just using a different word for it which made Yui uncomfortable too and Kiyoko even moreso.
So, the possibility of a similar reaction from their closest friends is scary, even if Yui truly believes they'd understand or at least accept without commentary or conditions.
On the other hand, it's kind of nice, that it's a secret only they share, for now.
Though Yui notices Kiyoko's eyes linger on her, she doesn't make a comment aside from a seemingly neutral, "You look nice," that still has Yui holding back a blush which confirms to Yui that Kiyoko shares the sentiment. That this is their secret. That no one else needs to know, not yet.
"You think so?"
Daichi chuckles lightly. "It really suits you, Michimiya."
The pun makes Sugawara groan and Kiyoko sigh tiredly. Yui only laughs.
Though her old feelings for Daichi have mostly died down, he's still a great friend of hers. And she appreciates his humor the few times, it makes an appearance, even if she's seemingly the only one.
"Thank you. Well, I believe I'm ready then, if you guys are," she turns around to look at her friends and embarrassingly, her breath catches in her throat when her gaze lands on Kiyoko who stands tall in her tight black dress, her hair framing her face beautifully.
She smiles softly, fiddling with the fabric of her black dress near her stomach—a motion that has Yui nearly short circuit.
At this rate, both Sugawara and Daichi will know by the end of the night is what she thinks, as she finally ends up blurting out, "You're really pretty!"
"Thanks," Kiyoko smiles at her, before narrowing her eyes slightly. "Are you not wearing makeup?"
"Should I?" Yui tilts her head to the side.
"No," Kiyoko shakes her head, "you look great. I was just surprised, is all."
"Yes, yes, you both look amazing," Sugawara swats at them, like they're children who need to be guided. "Can we get going now?"
2.
The ball itself is nice. It's not the fanciest thing, Yui can tell even if she hasn't been to many events like this one but it is definitely nice.
"We should check out the mini bar," Sugawara says, linking his arm with Yui's and dragging her away. She blinks in surprise, turning her head to look back at Kiyoko, who only smiles gently, waving at her with her fingers before heading the other direction with Daichi by her side.
"What's going on?" Yui asks Sugawara, once again utterly confused because—
Well, her and Sugawara are friends, sort of. But only through Daichi and it's not exactly like they're close, the way Kiyoko is with both of them and Azumane too.
"Nothing. Just thought we could hang out a little," Sugawara grins at her. "I gotta say, I think you wear this suit better than I ever did. Maybe you should keep it."
There's that giddy feeling again—a flutter in her chest. The idea that the suit works for her better than it does for Sugawara is—Well.
Even in high school, Yui sometimes thought about Sugawara in a less than kind light. It wasn't exactly jealousy that bubbled out of her but more a sort of envy. Like, looking at his slender hands and long fingers and then looking at her own and feeling self-conscious—that sort of stuff. So this compliment really does mean a lot.
"I know we're not exactly best friends," Sugawara starts, once there is a cocktail each in front of them, alcoholic—which, Yui's not sure how Sugawara was able to convince the bartender to give them, considering that she knows for a fact that he's not twenty yet either. "But you and Kiyoko have grown really close and you're close to Daichi too so I just," he shrugs, cutting himself off, taking a sip of his drink. "Well, you're part of our group now, I think."
"Really?" Yui asks nervously which makes Sugawara laugh.
"Yeah. Which is why I want you to know," he takes another sip of his drink before going on, "I'm a girl."
Yui blinks in surprise, her gaze flitting over Sugawara's face and his her suit. There's no doubt she's pretty, she's always been but, well. It doesn't look like she's ready to be perceived as a girl the way Kiyoko is.
"Like, Kiyoko?" she asks, the words leaving her mouth slowly, carefully. Sugawara smiles, tilting his head to the side slightly in thought.
"In a way. Sorry, I—I probably phrased that confusingly. I'm still a boy. I'm just…also a girl. Bigender is the word for it. Both a girl and a boy, at the same time," he goes on and Yui nods, reaching out to hold his hand in what she hopes is a calming manner.
Her head is reeling slightly, just knowing that that is an option. That there are people out there who experience something like that. That there's a name for it.
But, she knows this isn't about her right now, so, she says, "I get it. Thanks for telling me." Yui smiles at Sugawara softly and she smiles back.
"You're a good friend, Michimiya-san."
"I try."
3.
It is near the end of the ball, when both Kiyoko and Yui were just tipsy enough to be a bit bolder; to let their looks and touches linger, right in front of their friends' eyes. Yui is sure they picked up on it by now but they don't say anything and neither do Kiyoko or Yui. What they do, however, is fall behind a few steps while Daichi and Sugawara talk about old stories with their old volleyball team; clasp their hands together and attempt to find a quieter place. They don't talk about it, don't need to—Yui wanted to kiss Kiyoko the whole night and she's sure Kiyoko feels the same way.
She keeps holding onto Kiyoko's hand in the darkness, guiding her towards this corridor she spotted earlier—not barricaded and yet, empty. Perfect place for a few stolen kisses.
Unfortunately, luck isn't on her side.
"Sir, you can't go in there," a security guard holds out his hand in front of her to stop her from entering, just when she was a step away from her goal. It takes a second in her drunken haze for the words to register and once they do, the first thing she feels is that same giddiness before the embarrassment of getting caught settles in.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't—" she stammers and watches as the man's eyes widen at hearing her very much feminine voice. Interestingly, that also causes that same giddiness to spread in her chest.
"I apologize for my mistake. The rule still stands," he says sternly, and Yui nods, a quick and embarrassed thing before clutching Kiyoko's hand tighter and pulling her away.
Once she's far enough, she lets out a breath and looks at Kiyoko who raises a hand in front of her mouth to cover a laugh.
4.
"Would it bother you if I dressed more masc?" Yui asks Kiyoko the next evening, her gaze sternly on her open textbook in front of her face that she has decidedly not been reading for at least an hour now, thoughts too busy with the events of the previous night.
Kiyoko doesn't answer immediately which serves to unsettle Yui further.
She's a lesbian, Yui knows. Only attracted to girls. Which might be part of the reason why she doesn't want to entertain that she could be anything else. Not that there is a reason to entertain that, just because she likes wearing suits and being called sir and sort of maybe wants to look more like Sugawara, who is also a girl so that should be fine, probably.
Besides, she's very certain that Kiyoko liked her in a suit. But if it was more than a suit, if it was… Well, she doesn't think everything about their relationship would change but she's not sure Kiyoko would still want to kiss her. Because she's a lesbian who likes girls.
"I don't understand why you'd ask me that," Kiyoko says quietly, reserved. Yui swallows.
"Well, I just—I mean, I liked wearing that suit and I know you liked it too but that's formal attire. What if I like—I don't know. I want you to be attracted to me."
"I am attracted to you."
"But would you still be? If I—if I dressed more masc?"
"Yui," Kiyoko says slowly, a smile quirking on her lips. "I'm not attracted to you for the way you dress."
"Right." Yui knows she sounds just as uncertain as she feels and Kiyoko sighs, putting down her own textbook and closing it.
"Yui, you don't exist for me or for anyone else. You're allowed to be just you."
"But—"
"No buts," Kiyoko interrupts and despite the situation, Yui feels a touch of pride at how freely she expresses herself around Yui now. "Yui, we've known each other for years and we've been roommates for…well, over a year now. I know you. And yes, I am attracted to you and I don't think there's anything that can change that. I—I know that romance is not my area. But I want you in my life as long as you're willing to stay."
"Oh," Yui lets out, feeling a lump in her throat and tears well up in her eyes. Well, shit. "That's…I didn't know you felt that way."
"Of course, I do," Kiyoko says sternly, assertive and the tone makes something hot coil in Yui's belly. Later, she tells herself, staring at Kiyoko as she thinks her words over. "We're partners. In a way many wouldn't understand but still, it matters to us. So, I will support you, no matter what. And, for the record," she starts, before cutting herself off, hesitating, "I think you looked really handsome in that suit."
And Yui's definitely crying a little now, raising her hand to swipe away a tear from the corner of her eye.
Being called handsome gives her that same high and she's still not putting a word to it but she lets herself feel it this time, the giddiness and the confusion too, without letting the latter cloud the former.
It was a dumb thing to worry over, she concludes but doesn't regret it either. It got Kiyoko to call her handsome. She thinks that makes all the confusion and the worry worth it.
5.
She goes shopping with Kiyoko the next weekend. It's a little scary, venturing into the men's section for the first time but she stands her ground and picks out some clothes that she'd like to see how she feels wearing. Some flannels, some pants, some button ups—nothing crazy, just anything that can help her figure out what makes her feel that sense of euphoria.
She likes the items that hide her figure enough that she could get mistaken for a boy, that she's certain of and it makes her scared again, until she tries on a croptop with extra baggy pants and likes that too. Which, yeah, confusing. Once again.
She shows off every outfit to Kiyoko, who always smiles and tells her that she looks great but her gaze reveals which one are her true favorites. Yui gets every single one of them.
Sure, she's doing this for herself at the end of the day and she gets that. Kiyoko will find her attractive no matter what and she's not going to just discard her if she changes her style slightly (she knows it's not just about a change in style, but it's easier if for now that's still what she tells herself). They're partners. There's a commitment.
Still, she likes those looks Kiyoko gives her and would like to be on the other end of them again, if possible. And there's really no harm, when she herself likes those outfits. Kiyokou's never looked at her that way when Yui was wearing something she didn't like and Yui thinks it's because Kiyoko likes Yui for who Yui is and she can tell when she doesn't feel quite like herself in her clothes.
After they're done shopping, they decide to go to a café near the mall, as a way of winding down a little. The place has a proper door and Yui rushes forward to open it for Kiyoko, who's carrying their bags because Yui was looking up places nearby on her phone.
Kiyoko smiles at her in gratitude, and Yui bows a little, exaggeratedly, before saying, "The door's open, m'lady."
"Thank you, m'lord," is Kiyoko's timid but somehow also teasing reply and Yui blushes a deep red, feeling a flutter in her chest.
"Of course," she practically whispers, before taking the bags from Kiyoko who lets her, despite their previous agreement that they'd each carry half.
They order and sit at a table for around an hour, and Yui puts her overthinking mind to rest in the meantime.
She'll figure it out eventually, she knows. The confusion is part of the process.
+1
"Are you done with your makeup?" Yui asks Kiyoko, watching her apply the setting spray.
"I am. Why?"
"Would you do mine?"
Kiyoko turns slightly in her chair, her lips forming an 'o' in surprise. "I thought you didn't like makeup."
That's true and it was one of Yui's newest discoveries. She always found it a drag to do her makeup but recently, she realized she didn't even really like how her face looked in it, so she just stopped doing it one day. Kiyoko assured her that she looked beautiful with or without it.
"I meant like—face paint? Like, pride flags."
"Oh," Kiyoko lets out softly, before smiling. "The bi one, I assume."
"Yeah," Yui nods, fiddling with his fingers. "The bisexual one and the um, the bigender one?"
He knows this is a dumb way to come out but he didn't really want to do a proper coming out with Kiyoko. He was hoping for a chance to just, drop it in conversation one day and here was his chance and he took it and now he's waiting for the judgement that he logically knows isn't coming and yet, he still can't help but dread.
Kiyoko however only smiles and nods.
"Do you know the colors?"
"Yes," Kiyoko confirms, "Sugawara asked for the same thing so thankfully, I also have colors for it."
Yui grins, remembering her conversation with Sugawara that night. Probably the only reason why she didn't spend months being confused this time. Just the one.
They're ready after that soon enough, with the face paint still drying on Yui's cheeks as they leave the dorms building to meet up with their friends—all three of them this time. They're all dressed for the occasion: Azumane sporting the colors of the sunset flag, Sugawara in a skirt with the bisexual flag draped over her shoulders and Daichi with a t-shirt that says "be gay do crime" that had Kiyoko raise an eyebrows and Yui stiffle a laugh.
Daichi sighs. "I got it from Kuroo. I lost a dare so I had to wear it."
"Will Kuroo-san be there?" Yui asks curiously, not oblivious to the way Daichi blushes slightly at the question and at the way Sugawara smirks knowingly.
"He said he'd check in," Daichi answers, the smile nervous on his face. All Yui feels watching him like this is a sense of pride.
"Oh, hey!" Sugawara calls out suddenly, her eyes lighting up as she notices the paint on Yui's cheeks. "We match!"
Yui grins, nodding. "You actually helped a lot in me figuring it out."
"Oh!" Daichi exclaims, realization settling over his features. "So you'd like if we used both masculine and feminine terms for you, like for Suga?"
"Yeah!" Yui exclaims before glancing at Kiyoko because they have another thing to share and she said that she doesn't want to wait any longer. "And the other thing, um—"
There's that knowing smirk from Sugawara again which is fair because they were anything but subtle during that ball but Yui's afraid he still got the wrong conclusion. She's just glad he doesn't make a comment.
"Yui and I are in a queerplatonic relationship," Kiyoko says, quiet but certain and Yui reaches out to squeeze her hand.
They do have to explain but it's fine, they have more than enough time to do that on the way. And it eases the tension in Kiyoko's shoulders that she's been carrying for so long, the way they're all listening attentively, nodding and humming at the right places—understanding. Yui knows it makes Kiyoko feel seen and her heart warms at the thought.
And he feels seen too, at the Pride Parade with so many people like them, who get it. Who are willing to see him for who he is. That makes him giddy too—not quite that euphoric feeling but something similar.
A sense of belonging, he thinks. With Kiyoko, with his friends, with everyone around him.
It ends up being one of the best days of her life.