Work Text:
This memory is from a certain December 6th from a few years ago. My recollections of the past are often fuzzy when it comes to things that have happened more than two years ago. But some of them, such as this one, remain clear in their substance, even after a long time. I had forgotten it, yes, but at a moment completely unrelated to it, it resurfaced. So do some memories, both trivial and important.
At the time of that memory, I'd been in 8th grade, I had also felt that in that class, I didn't belong. In my plans, it was to apply to a certain different school, when applications would be possible. That day, though, my class and another class were going to a day of open doors to a hotelier school. Both those and these years, it only rarely snows, but that day, it snowed very much, which is one of the things that made me happy. On the bus ride to and from it, I took a few low quality, blurry photos, but the snow was there all the same.
Normally, during these bus rides with this class, even if I was sitting with a “friend”, I didn't really talk to them but they talked to somebody one seat behind or in front of us. Or simply put, with anybody who wasn’t me. I can't recall whether it was this way here too or not, I confess.
When we got out of the bus, I was very happy about the snow. We had to walk a few minutes from the bus, which was fine. The ground was slippery in a few places. But it was the snow that mattered.
Once inside, there was warmth and the scent of various pastries and desserts. The sight of them was pleasant, too. We were supposed to wait first, because we'd have somebody show us around, and then they'd present us a short presentation about the school and what they do. Then we could, for some time, walk around freely and buy something from the numerous things those students had cooked or made. Some of the rooms were decorated by a certain theme. A Willy Wonka one was there, for example. Obviously, chocolate was sold there.
The presentation about the school was fine. The me at that time was mildly impressed. But they'd been impressed at any school, that was at least remotely better than the one I'd been at at the time. The classmates were loud, and I was disconnected from them, even if, to the teachers or parents, it seemed like great friendships. The school itself also wasn't quite the best. The principal/headteacher (depending on whether you use American or British English) was, and as far as I'm aware still is, quite boasting, and instead would use money to buy things that would make the school look “better”, but did not do a single thing to improve the education, which wasn't the best.
After the presentation, we were allowed to roam free for ourselves. I used to be quite unsure about navigating in unknown places all by myself, which means I'd always ended up sticking to just a few people who I, relatively, knew. Let us call my “friends” from my class A, B and C. Even if they were chatting among themselves more, I would still linger around. Why had I feared being alone when I'd already been lonely, without people who shared my interests? I was simply stuck in a cave, not seeing through the illusions of shadows. Now, of course, I'm very much aware of them. I escaped the cave of ignorance, and swore I'd never go back. A fulfilling life could not be achieved, living in such a dependent, blind manner.
However, in moments of idealism, when the conditions were just right, it was easy to believe that I could be content in their presence. Pupils from not just our school were there too, which meant that there were plenty of people. Me, my 3 “friends”, and three people from the other class who came with us, let's call them D, E and F, were exploring the area together. That third occurrence, was quite surprising. Allow me to explain why. Our two classes had never been friendly among each other, and in that school, teachers would often debate which class, overall, could cause more ruckus and trouble. Many mean and ill-mannered pupils were there, and I detested them, I wasn't the only one.
So you must understand the surprise of that moment, when these two (Yes, two, because D was a friend of A) were behaving well and didn't mock or degrade anybody. The 7 of us walked around the building. The heating in a few of the rooms was a little too much, I recall. It is a trivial detail, which I'm surprised I remember. In one room, the students were selling ice-cream. I had chosen a chocolate chili one. It was very tasty, and so I then returned to buy another one. After that, D couldn't decide whether he wanted some pancakes they were making there or not. At one moment he did, and at another he didn't. C had run off somewhere where he wanted. A and B were being considerate, and gave D a little too much time for deciding. As D was deciding, I wanted to go buy some chocolate from the Willy Wonka room. I walked inside. I bought Lyra chocolate, one mint one and another normal, milk one. Even when I returned, D was still unsure.
But after a while, D decided he did want the pancakes, ordered them, and waited. We waited with him. There was one bench which wasn't occupied, so the rest of us sat on it as D waited for his pancakes to be made.
Once D had obtained his pancakes, we set off to also walk around a little more. The space was limited, so we'd walked through rooms and halls in which we already had been before a few times. During this, we talked a bit together.
While walking, I stumbled upon two of my classmates, F and G, who were with H, someone from the other class, who was nice and kind, and on whom, I thought at that time, I had a crush on. However, when later, in the future, I mustered the courage to properly begin conversation with her, and got to know her very well, I had made an important discovery about this. Being so long without like-minded humans, my subconsciousness developed such yearning, that anybody remotely seeming like a kindred creature, would become the object of my longing, all the while idealizing what humans truly are, and that there is no 100% “perfect” match, in any type of relationships. Therefore, what I felt was not romantic interest, merely the deprivation of fulfilling connections, which can be considered to have been the idea of chasing after an idea, rather than the person themselves. Now, I am once again in the same school with this person. We were great friends for a time, but ultimately, people have their own paths, and she has begun to interact more with her new friends and girlfriend. Before me, she also had not many friends. She was friends with F, who, however, was quite a possessive friend and often did not desire me to talk with H whatsoever. I helped H realize the toxicity, and get over it. As I helped her begin healing other things I shan’t mention here. In hindsight, it might appear that I was a stepping stone before she could gain “better friends”. Even if this is the truth, it is wholly unintentional on her side, for I know very well that she is incapable of acting in a selfish or manipulative manner.
But at that time, we weren’t yet friends, so I would only shyly steal glances at her, when I’d see her. I could still have hope, during this. It is quite understandable that my, at the time, weak mind, with the favourable circumstances of being allowed in a group, the usual unspeakables acting kind, and the naivete delusion of “love” (which was a false one), could easily fall into the illusion that I belonged there and was happy with it, even when I truly wasn’t.
F and me weren't quite “friends” at any point in time. I used to, even further in the past, regard her as somebody who might be interesting. I was very meek, shy and unsure at that time, and it took all my courage to talk to her. When I did do just that, she wasn't very keen on conversation, most of all with me. Why do I now feel anger at her? There are 3 reasons, 1 moral, two personal. The moral one is the fact I retest when somebody imposed ownership over someone who doesn't want it nor feel comfortable with it. One of the personal ones is I felt quite protective to H, because I felt that way towards H sometimes, because she couldn't stand up for herself (At the time of my interest in H, I had improved and stopped caring about what people think of me. And now, if somebody were to insult me right to myself or just in general insult me, I'd grin and laugh right in their face.), and cared/worried too much about what people thought or said of her, and often was wrong. The second personal reason is more selfish. It simply is anger over having been denied to be able to talk with someone I truly wanted to talk with, when F had another person to talk to (That is, G). I shan't interact with F now anymore in this school.
The bus ride back was not remarkable in any way, but it had felt comfortable. It was a temporary refuge from the usual awareness of one’s different-ness that had plagued a child who did not yet understand it, so who could blame it? The one who grew up has changed, became much wiser, aware, and set out to eradicate their ignorance, which is going quite well. Self-discovery really is a beautiful thing.
From experience, I can clearly say that one can “belong”, or at least feel like it, but not “fit in”. The attitude towards the fact changes much to the person going through it. If they think of it as a bad thing, insecurity will take root in their hearts and minds, they shall start thinking that there is something wrong with them, therefore they think they must change themselves, in order to “fit in” into the norm.
When, however, the person acknowledges that they simply are different, and accept it, life doesn’t have to be bad at all. They can choose to pursue the search for another that is like them (And those there are!), or simply devote their life to their interests and passions. It is their life, after all, so they shouldn’t have the aspects of their own person be dictated by the norm nor the majority. Becoming the person that one aspires to be, and living life your own way is the pinnacle of fulfillment. If you feel an empty place inside, and it bothers you, think about your life and yourself, analyze, find out what it is that can give you the motivation. When you find your Primum Mobile and follow it, you might just find your desired life.