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Lucanis remembered little of his parents, uncles and aunts, as they’d been slaughtered by House Veraldo when he and Illario were just children, but sometimes when he walked through the hallways of Villa Dellamorte he had some flashes.
Him and Illario playing in the garden as the adults were talking at the table. A warm smile. The feeling of being with people who loved him. Nights spent with the adults playing Wicked Grace until late while he and Illario fell asleep on the armchair.
He always wanted to have children and a family of his own someday, but it had been just an abstract thought, a little more than a hypothesis, until he met Rook.
He and Rook had discussed having children several times after the defeat of the gods, and Lucanis made sure many times that she shared the same desire to be a parent someday.
He’d long thought about how he wanted to raise his future children, and told Rook so, too. Lucanis would treat them equally and would never favour one over another. He’d never pit them against each other for his or Rook’s acknowledgment or love.
Lucanis would do everything in his power to prevent them from ending up like him and Illario.
She agreed with everything he said, and, even though she’d never had siblings, Rook promised she’d never create an environment where their kids would resent each other.
Three years after the siege of Minrathous, the last of which spent as a married couple, they hadn’t decided to actively try for children, but they stopped being as careful.
“If it happens, it happens,” Rook had said. “I think I’m ready to be a decent mother, if we conceive.”
Lucanis had kissed her. “Amor, you’ll be a good mother.”
“And you a good father,” she’d replied.
So, when Rook knocked on his office door and came in with a smile, Lucanis wasn’t totally surprised.
“Amatus, I need to tell you something. I waited to be sure before saying anything to not get our hopes up needlessly, but…”
His heart leaped as he knew what she was going to say. He jolted up and walked towards her as Rook said, with a radiant smile, “I’m pregnant.”
Lucanis kissed her deeply, his whole body shaking in happiness.
“It’s amazing news, amor.”
Is Rook having your child? When are they going to be here?
Spite was staring at him with genuine curiosity. He smiled at the demon before asking Rook, “Spite wants to know how far along you are.”
“I waited for my period to skip twice to be sure,” she explained. “So, the baby will be here in seven months.”
Seven months, and he would be a dad. He imagined himself with his child, of how much he’ll love them and spend as much time with them as possible.
Just imagining himself holding his baby almost moved Lucanis to tears.
“Amatus, there’s something I want to ask for you,” Rook said, taking his hands. Under her happiness, Lucanis could feel how important the request was for her.
He reached out and kissed her again.
“Of course, amor. You can ask me anything.”
“If this baby is a boy, I want to call him Flavius. Or Flavia, if it’s a girl.”
Lucanis knew how much Rook was attached to her late father, Flavius Mercar, and he wasn’t surprised that she wanted to honor him with their firstborn’s name.
This was no contention for him. Lucanis liked both names, and he knew how important that request was for his wife.
“I agree,” he said. “Those are beautiful names.”
Rook kissed him. “Thanks, amatus. I love you.”
Lucanis held her against him. It was weird to think that, in less than a year, they would be three.
But in the best way he could imagine.
He kissed Rook’s head. “I love you, too.”
***
Flavia Dellamorte-Mercar was born on a day of spring, and Lucanis loved her from the first moment he lay his eyes on the little baby the maidservants took him. He swore he would protect her against anything in the world, as he held her for the first time.
His daughter. He was a father now.
At first, it was a weird thought but Lucanis adjusted to fatherhood much better than he expected.
The first month of Flavia’s life, he delegated all his First Talon’s duty to Teia and Viago, because he wanted to spend time with his family. Not only Lucanis didn’t want to miss any moment with his daughter, but he wanted to stay close to Rook who was recovering from the birth.
He tried to take over every moment with his daughter to give his wife the chance to rest, except for when Flavia needed to be fed. When she was asleep, Lucanis took his time to cook some meals for himself and Rook, giving the kitchen staff a well-deserved night off, and took it upstairs, into their bedroom, so that she wouldn’t strain her body too much.
“I didn’t think I could love you more, but you’re proving me wrong,“ she said as a joke, but that made him blush like a boy.
“I love you, amor,“ he said, kissing the back of her hand. “You brought our beautiful daughter into the world, taking care of you is the bare minimum.”
If Lucanis fit into the father’s role like wearing a glove, the same couldn’t be said for Spite. The spirit kept asking him things about the baby, such as why she needed Rook to feed her, or why Lucanis was constantly picking her up and taking her in other rooms.
Can’t she walk?
When he asked those questions, Spite appeared in his physical form as if he wanted Lucanis to see how flabbergasted he was.
Lucanis always smiled. He wasn’t a Fade expert, but he thought that spirits—or demons—were probably generated already in the form they had for eternity, and Spite was struggling with the concept of a baby that was completely dependent on their parents.
“No, not yet. She’ll learn to walk in about one year.”
His answer seemed to confuse Spite.
Why? She has legs.
“She’s too little and doesn’t know how to hold her own weight yet.”
It seemed that for each one of his answers, Spite had at least five more questions, but Lucanis never got tired of explaining him.
After four weeks, though, he had to go back to his First Talon duties, and he could do it only when Rook reassured him that she was feeling much better physically.
“We have maidservants who can help me if I’m too tired,” she told him.
But for every hour spent in the Cantori Diamond, Lucanis missed his daughter. He spent every single free moment with Flavia, especially when the baby had trouble sleeping.
Spring in Treviso was warm enough to walk outside, and he often took his daughter with himself as he strolled through the gardens of Villa Dellamorte. Lucanis often spoke to her, and Flavia usually fell asleep against his chest.
“She finds your voice soothing,” Rook had told him once, and so Lucanis talked to his daughter, either in trade or Antivan—he and Rook agreed that they wanted their children to learn both languages—about various topics. Wyverns, Rook, how brave his late friend Lace Harding had been, his friends from the Veilguard were his favourite topics, but sometimes Lucanis found himself talking about Illario.
Before becoming a father, Lucanis had been able to keep the thoughts of his cousin away. The last time he’d met Illario, it had been three years ago, when he’d given him a special permission to leave jail in order to attend Caterina’s funeral—even if shackled and heavily guarded, with Crows ready to kill him if he made a wrong move.
Since then, Lucanis had tried to not even think about his cousin, but becoming a father and holding Flavia had made him realize how much he missed the only other member of his family still alive.
Rook noticed it immediately. After four years together, she knew his moods better than anyone else.
“You can talk to me, amatus,” she said, holding him tight.
In her arms, Lucanis always felt a bit better. “I think I want to see Illario.”
Concern flicked in his wife’s eyes.
“Are you sure?”
Lucanis understood perfectly where she was coming from. The few meetings he’d had with his cousin had been draining, because he could never go on and forgive his cousin, but at the same time he couldn’t stop loving the man who’d been his brother.
But there was nothing Lucanis had ever been more sure of, except for his love for Rook and little Flavia.
“Yes, amor. I am.”
Rook didn’t question his decision. She kissed him and looked him in the eye.
“I trust your judgment, amatus.”
Lucanis knew nothing else mattered as much as having his wife’s complete trust. That gave him even more confidence to go meet his cousin.
He waited a few more days, thinking about his decision. He eventually decided to go through with it.
Lucanis left Villa Dellamorte when both Rook and Flavia were sleeping, in the dead of the night. It felt like when he went to kill the designated victims for his contracts, but this time Lucanis wasn’t going to assassinate anyone.
The moment he stepped into the dungeon, he said to the Crows on guard duty, “You’re all dismissed for the night. You’ll be paid as if you finished your shift.”
No one protested at that, and they all left. Lucanis waited until he was alone to walk towards his cousin’s cell.
Illario was shaved and had his hair trimmed once per month—he didn’t trust his cousin to wield a blade, either against himself or to kill his way out of prison. Unlike the last time Lucanis had met him, his face was clean-shaven and his hair loose.
He looked well enough—if not thinner and with wrinkles that hadn’t been there years ago.
“Long time no see, cousin.”
Lucanis hated how his words cut straight through his heart. He felt guilty for not having visited his cousin anymore after Caterina’s funeral, avoiding the man who’d been his brother to not add to his own grief.
He’d lost his grandmother, he didn’t want to remember he’d lost his cousin, too.
“I’ve been busy.”
Illario grinned. Lucanis didn’t know if he found it irritating, or glad that the years in prison hadn’t destroyed his cousin’s personality.
“I know. Word around here is that you’re a father now.”
IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Lucanis didn’t repeat Spite’s words. “Word runs fast even here.”
“You’re First Talon, every Crow talks about your heir.”
He felt like a punch in the gut at that word. His heir, Flavia would be expected to take over his role when she was old enough, and she wasn’t supposed to show any weakness—
No.
Lucanis was changing the Crows for the better, so that when his daughter would be an adult, she would be able to choose what was better for her. Flavia wouldn’t be put into a box of impossible expectations.
“It’s true, Rook and I have a child now.”
Illario regarded him with a tired smile.
“Congratulations.”
There was no hint of sarcasm in his cousin’s voice, which somehow made his word hurt like a slap.
Lucanis swallowed a lump in his throat before saying, “Thank you.”
Illario took a few steps towards him, looking at him as if he was trying to figure out if he was real or a hallucination.
“What are you doing here, cousin? Shouldn’t you be with your family?”
“You’re my family, too,” Lucanis replied.
Illario chuckled. It was so different from the hearty, joyful laugh he was used to hearing from him, and that felt like a punch in the gut.
On the surface, Illario may have not changed much. But he had no way to see how deeply his years in jail had affected him.
“Oh, tell me, cousin: did you remember I am your family, or do you need something from me?”
Lucanis didn’t want to discuss, despite the pang of guilt he felt at the accusation.
YOU’RE TOO GOOD WITH HIM.
Maybe Spite was right, but he could never be cruel with Illario.
“I’m here to talk,” he just said. “I’ve been thinking about us lately, and I have a proposal for you.”
Lucanis could see his cousin’s eyes slightly widen just because he knew him so well, but Illario’s expression stayed even.
“I’m listening.”
“Leave,” Lucanis said. “I think you paid for your crimes enough, but you can’t stay anywhere in Antiva.”
Illario was silent as he processed what he’d just said. Then, he closed his fists and stared at him with an expression that would have had anyone less brave than Lucanis run away.
“This is exile!”
“I’m offering you freedom,” Lucanis replied. “Leave Antiva. You can live the rest of your life anywhere else in Thedas instead of rotting here in a cell.”
Illario was silent for so long that he considered leaving. Then, he sighed.
“Killing me would be kinder.”
You know I can’t, Lucanis thought. For how much you’ve hurt me, I don’t hate you enough to kill you.
Against his expectations, Spite said nothing to that. Maybe, even the spirit knew that he didn’t need anyone to hear how wrong he was for not killing his cousin right away, now that no guard was around to see what the First Talon was doing.
Lucanis walked closer to the bars that separated him from his cousin.
“Here is my deal, you can decide if accepting it or not.” He stared at Illario in a way he’d never looked at his cousin, but only at the Blood Mages he killed. “But I want you to know that if you take it, and then come back to Antiva, I will send all the available Crows to hunt you down and kill you.”
Illario smirked. “Don’t you trust my word, cousin?”
“I used to, and you sold me to Calivan,” Lucanis deadpanned.
His cousin winced as if he’d slapped him. That took away all his will to joke.
Lucanis gave him time to think until, finally, Illario said, “I accept.”
He took a key and opened the door of his cousin’s cell, ignoring his heart. Of course he was relieved that Illario had accepted his offer, but why was he also feeling like a pang in his chest?
He led Illario outside, and saw his cousin stop to enjoy the warm spring wind and for his eyes to take in all the starry sky.
It was a sensation Lucanis could relate too well.
“I have a question,” Illario said, taking his attention back to him. “Your child is a boy or a girl?”
“A girl.”
For some reason, that made Illario smile. “It suits you. You look like a girl’s father.”
Lucanis had no time to wonder what that weird sentence meant because he felt the familiar pull of when Spite wanted to take over his body. He allowed the spirit to do it and speak through his voice.
“DON’T GET CLOSE TO HER, OR I WILL KILL YOU.”
To his credit, Illario was unimpressed. He looked at Lucanis as if he’d just done nothing weirder than sneezing. “You and the demon get along now.”
“Yes,” Lucanis said, gaining back control of his body. “And he is as protective of my family as I am.”
Illario looked at him with a serious expression he’d never seen on him. “I don’t know if you want advice from me, but…”
Lucanis waited for his cousin to finish his sentence.
He shook his head and stared at Lucanis with his grey eyes almost—he would have said pleading, if he didn’t know his cousin.
“Don’t raise your daughter like Caterina raised us.”
He couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Illario’s arm, a way to somehow make his words feel more solemn.
“I promise you that my children will never go through what we did.”
Illario nodded. “That’s good.”
Neither of them said another word. Illario gave him a pat on the shoulder and climbed on the nearest wall to quickly reach the roof. When they were teens, and then young men, and then adults, they’d always climbed together, because they trusted no one else as much, and looking at Illario going through those familiar paths alone was unnatural—like seeing a spider with four legs.
Lucanis observed his cousin as he ran and jumped from roof to roof, further and further away, until he eventually disappeared from his sight.
It was the last time that he ever saw Illario.
Lucanis was relieved at the idea that his cousin wouldn’t be rotting in a cell for the rest of his life, and that he wouldn’t have the chance to hurt him again, but—
A deep pain seemed to rip open his chest. Lucanis had told himself he’d grieved the man Illario used to be years ago, after he imprisoned him, but losing his cousin definitely was like finding out Caterina’s dead body.
Mierda. He had no idea he would feel like this.
Lucanis walked along the canals, trying to take his mind off his cousin. But even the beautiful sight couldn’t calm him down, so he walked back to Villa Dellamorte.
He was walking towards his and Rook’s bedroom, when he heard a cry from the nursery. Lucanis rushed to Flavia’s room, and he picked her up.
His daughter calmed slightly in his arms, and he started walking with her through the empty hallways of Villa Dellamorte. It was so late that even the staff had gone to sleep, and he kept his voice lower than usual to not wake anyone up.
“I met someone tonight,” he said. “I had to say goodbye to him.”
His daughter, as usual, had stopped crying. She was leaning against his chest, as if she needed to listen to his voice better. The thought made him smile, and he took notice to tell Rook, if she was still awake.
“He was my best friend,” Lucanis went on. “If—if things had been different, you would have called him Uncle Illario.”
He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt a tear go down his face. Lucanis didn’t even wipe it, but he kept his voice steady for Flavia.
“If you’ll have siblings, you won’t end up like us,” he promised her. “You will always be best friends and will never resent or envy each other.”
Lucanis needed to listen to his daughter’s soft breaths to understand she’d fallen asleep. He kissed Flavia’s little head and took her back to her crib, where she slept peacefully.
Only then, he went to the bedroom he shared with Rook. Seeing his wife asleep, with her old copy of The Tale of the Campion on the bedside table made him smile. It was good to finally be back home.
He quickly changed into his night clothes and lay next to his wife, but sleep wouldn’t come.
His restless mind couldn’t help but wonder about how things could have been if he and Illario had been raised differently, a world in which him and his cousin were still as close as brothers, where his cousin had fought at his side against the Antaam, the Venatori and the gods.
A world where Illario attended his wedding and was the best uncle for his children.
Lucanis sighed. He could imagine that ideal world how much he wanted, but it wasn’t going to change how things had gone between him and his cousin.
He could only prevent Flavia and her possible siblings from ending up like that. So, maybe, how things ended with Illario wouldn’t be pointless, because it would teach him how to be a better father.
Lucanis almost jolted when he felt a movement in bed, but it was just Rook. His wife circled his waist with her arm and rested her head on his shoulder blades.
“Amatus, are you alright?”
She was half-asleep, and he didn’t want to bother her with all his thoughts and feelings right now. He would tell her in the morning, when she would be able to tell him her opinion and to comfort him.
Lucanis took her hand and whispered, “Yes, amor. With you, I am.”