Chapter Text
I woke up in a forest. I knew that much. I ran out and found an open field just in time to see all my brothers fall. All of them. Every single one. They fell like a ton of bright little comets. I can figure that out later, I thought to myself. I needed to find out where I was. I needed to find Dean. But how could I do that when I’m human and powerless? I decided to walk and see if I can find anything I recognize. There were no signs, billboards, or anything to help distinguish where I was. The one thing I did see, though, was perfect. I saw a car, up at the top of the hill. A woman sat in there, with her head down, looking at her phone. She looked out of the car window, looked at her phone once more, and then proceeded to get out of the car. She ran towards the forest, but away from me. Not in terror, but more like she was looking for something.
I walked up to the car to see if there was any information in the car to help me determine where I was. Luckily for me, the car was unlocked. There was nothing that I could see that said anything about my current location, but there was a phone. I had no money, and I knew this woman did, so I decided that I would take the phone to save myself. The first and only thing I knew I could do was text Dean. Sam had entered it once, and I had it memorized. 720-271-6690. I didn’t call it, because the woman who owned this phone couldn’t be far away, and I didn’t want her to hear me. So I thought I should text it instead.
Me: Hello Dean
Dean: Who is this? How did you get my number?
Crap, I thought. I should have included my name automatically. Now he probably thinks I’m some creep.
Me: It’s Castiel. I knew your number already. I saw Sam type it once.
I noticed he was taking a long time to reply. I started to get worried. Why wasn’t he responding? It was almost as though he didn’t believe me. Either that or he was talking to Sam about it. Either way, I thought I should reassure him.
Me: It’s really me. I promise.
Dean: Cas?! What happened? Are you ok? Where are you? How did you get a phone? Jesus Cas it’s good to hear from you.
Me: I’m okay. I don’t know where I am though. I found the phone in a nearby car. It’s telling me I’m in Verizon. Where is that?
Dean: Verizon is a phone company, Cas. Look, just find someone, anyone, and ask where you are.
Me: There was a woman here earlier but I can’t ask her. I’m pretty confident I just took her phone.
Dean: Well what does it look like where you are? Describe it to me.
I looked around at my surroundings. The place had some trails, lots of trees, and about ten miles away, I could see a large lake. It was either a lake or an ocean. I wasn’t exactly sure.
Me: There are a lot of trees, some paths to search, and there was a clearing. I saw the shower of falling angels.
Dean: I saw it too. We can worry about that later. Right now, we just need to find you. Just follow one of the paths until you find someone. Ask them where you are and how to get out of the woods. Then text me, ok? Just promise me you’ll be careful.
Me: I will try.
Dean: Ok.
I put my phone in my back pocket and started following a path. Once I got down the hill a bit, I saw a nice looking family, only one of which I recognized. The mother was blonde and had large blue eyes. She was the one I saw in the car. There were two kids with her, one was a baby girl and the other was a boy, about age eight. She sat next to her husband, who, from a distance, seemed to look a little like me. I knew that I had her phone, but I also knew that I had no other option. I had to go ask where I was. I had to do this for Dean.
“Hello,” I said when I got there. “Would you mind telling me where I am?”
“You’re in Crater Lake National Park. In Oregon. How could you not know this yourself?” The man asked as he gave me a strange look, as if I was trying to steal his wife away from him. Although the woman was very beautiful, I would rather have Dean find me.
“I must have been, uh, very drunk last night,” I said. I had heard Dean say something similar to it to Sam once, though I was still unclear of the word ‘drunk.’ “Well, thanks for letting me know. I have to go now,” I said. I wanted to leave before they could hear the phone that was buzzing in my pocket. The look on the mans’ face told me that he was relieved I had left, while the look on my face probably showed relief that they did not ask me any more questions. When I pulled out the phone, I had two missed messages.
Emily: Hey, Olivia, do you want to come over tonight? Feel free to bring the husband and kids. :)
Dean: What happened with Metatron?
I knew it was not up to me to answer this “Emily” girl, but I did have to answer Dean.
Me; He killed Naomi. He held a knife to my throat and then pinned me to a chair. And then he took something of mine.
Dean: What did he take?
I sighed out loud, knowing I would have to answer him one way or another. I wasn’t sure how to phrase the words. I knew that no matter how I phrased the words, I would never, ever, be able to say it in a way that wouldn’t hurt Dean. I decided to just come right out and say it.
Me: Dean, I’m not an angel anymore.
Dean: He took your grace?
Me: Yes. That’s why I haven’t found you yet. But I know where I am.
Dean: Where?
Me: Oregon.
Dean: Jesus... ok can you be more specific?
Me: I’m in a forest about ten miles from Crater Lake.
Dean: Ok, ok. Here’s what we’re going to do. I want you to head East. Head towards Kansas. Hitch rides, walk, and sleep in homeless shelters. Text me whenever you can. I’m going to head in that direction, and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle. It’s going to be ok, Cas. I’ll find you. For now, try to find a place. A city, town, maybe even a cabin. For Christ’s sake, don’t forget to eat and sleep. Get as much help as you can.
Me: Hurry, Dean.
Dean: I’m starting the car now. I have some changes of clothes for you. It’s going to be a few days though, Cas. But I will find you, ok?
Me: Okay. Is Sam with you?
Dean: No. Sammy’s not doing too good. He needs to get better. But we have Kevin taking care of him and Crowley.
Me: Crowley? He wasn’t sent to Hell?
Dean: We didn’t close the gates, Cas. Sam would die if he completed the trials. Sam is recovering and Crowley is... It’s like he’s halfway between human and demon.
Me: Is Crowley in chains?
Dean: He’s in one of the bedrooms. he’s free to walk around, but his hands are cuffed with iron handcuffs. And they have protection symbols. He’s powerless.
Me: Good.
Dean: How are you, Cas? Are you hurt?
I had a hard time deciding what to tell him. I wasn’t hurt physically, no. But What I had to endure definitely changed me. I couldn’t have Dean worry about me though. I’m the one who’s supposed to look after him. I decided that I shouldn’t worry him.
Me: No, i’m fine.
Dean: Ok. If anything happens, just tell me. Just ask.
I understood that for a while, the Winchesters thought I was gone, but Dean was worrying about me a little more than I expected he would. I thought it was strange. While I appreciated his hospitality, it was strangely out of character.
Me: Okay. How far away are you?
Dean: I’m in Kansas. Almost on the other side of the country.
Me: Why don’t you just use an airplane?
I felt like Dean was hiding something from me. Even when it was me, Dean, and Sam, we never flew anywhere. I always wondered why, but never bothered to ask. This time, though, I was curious enough to ask.
Dean: I hadn’t really thought of that...
Me: Are there no airplane stations around you?
Dean: They’re called airports, Cas.
Crap. I thought. He thinks i’m an idiot now. Although I didn’t want Dean thinking less of me now that I was human, I knew that I couldn’t worry about that yet. I stumbled upon what looked like a hotel. I had never personally stayed in one before, but I knew what they looked like because Sam and Dean had stayed in them loads of times.
I walked up to the lady at the front desk and explained my situation.
“I’m Castiel. I do not have a home or any money. Is there any way I could stay here until I get picked up?”
“Sure,” the woman said. “I’m Teresa. I’d love to help you out.”
“Thank you,” I nodded. She smiled and giggled a little. Then, she did something I swear Dean has done before. She seemed to blink at me with one eye.
“You can stay on the main level floor, room eight,” she said. “Here’s your key.”
She grabbed my hand slightly as I grabbed the key. I pulled away rather quickly and looked down.
“Thanks,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say. I also didn’t know why she was being so nice to me. But at this point, caring was beyond me. I just needed a place to sleep or Dean would worry. I realized I had forgotten to text Dean back. But I thought it was rude to text in front of someone, so I had to get rid of her, at least for a moment.
“Would you mind grabbing me a cup of water? I haven’t drank anything in a very long time.”
“Of course!”
She left and I sighed from relief. She made me a little bit uncomfortable.
Me: Whatever. I found a hotel. The lady at the front desk said she would help me.
Dean: Is she letting you stay for free?
Me: Yes. She said I could only stay for the night, but that she will give me food and water. Then she blinked at me with one eye. It was odd.
Dean: Oh. You might want to be careful with her.
I looked up at the woman, through a window to the kitchen, who was still brewing the fresh pot of coffee. She didn’t notice me looking at her, so I went back to my phone.
Me: Why?
Dean: She winked at you. That’s what it’s called when someone blinks with one eye. She’s flirting with you. She thinks you’re going to spend the night with her.
I looked up at her again. Just in time, too. She stuck her head out of the kitchen door and asked me if I wanted cream and sugar. I nodded, and looked back at my phone.
Me: Well, I am going to spend the night with her.
Dean: Do I have to spell everything out for you? She wants to have sex with you, Cas. Jesus...
His response made me feel uncomfortable for a few reasons. First of all, the realization of this women's’ intentions hadn’t occurred to me until just now. Second of all, he said “Jesus.” My half-brother did not need to be a part of this. Sometimes, Dean didn’t know what was acceptable versus unacceptable.
Me: Why are you bringing my half-brother into this?
Dean: I’m not. Just... Never mind. It’s not important. Just don’t sleep with her.
I wasn’t planning on it either way, but why was Dean getting so defensive? It was almost as if he was protecting me from something. Or maybe he was protecting himself. But in order for Dean to care about this personally, he would have had to be jealous, right? Envy was common among human kind. But that would mean that Dean loved me. And I knew for a fact that Dean was not gay. Either way, I decided to press the issue.
Me: Why does it matter if I do?
Dean: Just don’t do it, Cas!
That’s definitely weird. I thought. But if Dean thinks it’s a bad idea, it probably is.
Me: Fine. I won’t.
Dean: Ok. Good.
I decided to leave it at that. Replying to Dean while he was driving could cause a wreck. I did not want Dean to wreck the car. The car... was his baby. He loved his car more than any woman he’d ever met. And frankly, I was a bit envious.
I walked to the back, where the woman said my room was, thinking that it was possible she could bring my coffee to the room. I really just wanted to relax. I had had a rough day.
I decided to sit down and try to work the television. I had seen Dean and Sam turn on the television a few times at the other hotels. I pressed the big button on the television and sat down. I hadn't known how to even attempt on changing the channel, so I settled on what was on. I didn’t know the name, but my guess is that it was an old-fashioned soap opera. Not five minutes later, there was a knock on my room door. I opened it and saw the woman standing there, with a hot cup of coffee. But she was different than when I saw her last.
She was no longer wearing the hotel uniform that she had on earlier. She was wearing a thin, see-through, short dress made of black lace. Lingerie? Are you serious? I thought. I looked down and hoped she couldn’t see the erection I had developed just by looking at her. She was very pretty, no doubt, but Dean told me no. He said it was a bad idea, and I intended on listening to him. I trusted Dean more than anyone. I took the coffee from her hands, took a sip, and set it on the table next to the bed. She took that as an invitation. She glided in the room, almost flying, and shoved me down on the bed. My erection only grew stronger with the closer she got to me. She was laying on top of me, kissing my neck. I wanted her to stop, for Dean’s sake, but I couldn’t find the words. I was speechless. This had never happened to me before. I knew where this was headed, but I’d always been terrified of this. My eyes were huge and I knew I looked scared. finally, I was able to put sounds together.
“I’m -” I said, trying to find the right words. “In- in a re- relationship,” I said, stuttering. It worked, though, she backed off, angry.
“What?!”
“I’m sorry, but I am faithful to Dean,” I said, spitting out the first name that popped into my head. I knew that if Dean found out, he would be very angry. But that was the only option, other than succuming to her.
“You’re GAY?!” She exclaimed, louder this time. I flinched a bit at the word ‘gay’ because it had never been used to describe me before.
“I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. But I am currently with someone. So if you could please respect my wishes and leave the premises, I would be very thankful to you.”
She stomped the entire walk to the door. I was glad we were on the ground floor, otherwise the people below us would have been upset. Right before she went out the door, She said, “You leave tomorrow morning.”
I sighed as she left. I sat down in the bed and looked down. I still had an erection. I knew that Dean was good at getting rid of them, but I didn’t want to bother him, so I layed back down on the bed. The soap opera was still playing.
About seven minutes later, I still had the erection. Without Dean, There was no way I could get rid of this. So, I decided to text him.
Me: Dean, there is a problem.
Dean: What? What happened? Are you ok?
I realized that I probably could have phrased the text in a different way. Or at least one that wouldn’t scare him so badly.
Me: I seem to have an erection.
He didn’t reply as quickly as he usually did, which worried me a bit. I started to worry that maybe I had shared too much with him. I sighed, still staring at the phone. That was when the text came in.
Dean: Ok... I don’t really know how to help you with this... How exactly did this happen?
I wasn’t sure how much to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him that the entire hotel thought we were in a homosexual relationship. That would offend him. I didn’t want to tell him that she had layed on top of me, that would make him angry. I decided to stick to the bare minimum.
Me: The woman. She came up wearing lingerie.
Dean: Uh... Is she still there?
Me: No, I told her I was not single.
Dean: Ok... well. You could try a cold shower, or you could just... handle it yourself.
I debated texting back saying something like: If I thought I could handle it myself, do you think I’d still be telling you? But instead, I took the nicer approach.
Me: How do I do that?
I hated having to ask, especially considering that this was probably an uncomfortable topic for him, but I wanted to know. Actually, I needed to know.
Dean: Um... Jerk off...?
Jerk... off...? Jerk. Why was he insulting me at a time like this? That was not nice of him to say. I sighed, frustrated, and looked down again. I was desperate.
Me: Are you insulting me?
Dean: Just go take a cold shower.
I sighed, realizing that Dean was starting to sound very upset with me. I went to the shower, took off my coat and laid it down on the bathroom counter. I took off the rest of my clothes and set them on the bed, neatly folded. I went to the knob that I knew turned on the water and looked at it, confused. How do I deal with this?
Me: Okay. How do I get the water to come out?
Dean: Depends on the type of shower. There should be a knob thing at one end of the shower. Try pulling or twisting it. Water should start to come out.
I looked at the knob again. It looked like I was supposed to turn it. I turned it slightly, assuming that the blue color meant cold.
Me: It worked. I must go now.
Dean: Ok.
I sighed again and stepped into the shower. The water felt really cold on my back, so I turned around. I felt it dripping down onto my extreme erection. The water was nearly freezing, but it didn’t seem to be working. I decided to distract myself from it by washing my hair and body.
I stepped out and grabbed the towel. Sadly enough, you could still see the erection through the towel. I sat down, embarrassed, and texted Dean.
Me: It didn’t work.
Dean: Was the water cold?
I hadn’t thought about whether the water was cold enough or not, but it was as cold as it could get, so I had assumed so.
Me: Yes.
Dean: Shit. Ok, you have to handle it yourself, then.
Me: How?
Dean: Masturbate, Cas.
I had heard of masturbation before, but I had never seen it before because it was frowned upon in heaven. I had to face facts: I am not a very good human.
Me: How do I do that?
Dean: ...You don’t know how?
Me: My father frowns upon masturbation. Angels are forbidden from it. So no, I don’t know how.
Dean: Ok. Just... Pull down your pants and boxers and just... touch yourself. Do whatever feels good.
Me: That’s a strange way of doing things. But okay.
I didn’t bother to tell Dean that after the shower, I wasn’t wearing clothes still. I dropped the towel that was wrapped around me and layed down. I stared at my penis, wondering why it wouldn’t just go down. I started to try to force it down. I pushed down on it with both hands, but every time I did that, it popped right back up. Then I tried to poke it. I watched it move whenever I poked at it, but it was still very hard. I wrapped my hand around it, and realized that felt really good. I started to go up and down with my hand. It was helping a little, but how long was I supposed to do this? I let out a little noise when I felt something white rush out. It was almost like urinating, but it felt a lot better.
Me: How long am I supposed to do this?
Dean: Until you come.
Me: Come? Um, well, is this supposed to make you urinate in white?
Dean: Until you have an orgasm. And yes. And don’t fucking text me while you’re jerking off.
Oh.
Me: Is that what the insult was?
Dean: Yes. Please stop texting me while you’re... you know. It’s weird.
I looked at the bed, which was covered in the white urine, and looked down. The erection was gone, thank goodness for that. I made a mental note to thank Dean later.
Me: Fine. I’m done.
Dean: Better?
Me: Much, thanks.
I sighed and laid back down on the bed, deciding that I should probably put some clothes on. As soon as I put on the boxers, I saw I had a text from Dean.
Dean: Lets not ever talk about this again, ok?
Me: About what?
Dean: About me fucking teaching you how to masturbate.
Me: Okay Dean, please don’t be angry with me.
I sighed to myself realizing that once again, I have upset Dean. Every time I feel like he is angry with me, I feel like I should fix it, but i’m never sure how. All I ever want to do is to ensure his happiness.
Dean: I’m not angry at you, Cas. It’s fine. Just get some sleep.
Me: Okay. What do I sleep in?
Dean: It doesn’t really matter. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Me: Okay. I don’t have any other clothes though.
Dean: You could take your clothes off or borrow some from that woman.
After everything I had just done, I wasn’t planning on staying naked - or even slightly naked - for much longer. I threw on my clothes and my coat and went out to the woman. I was afraid to see her again, after the little incident, but I had no other option. She was in her uniform again and she looked up at me, almost disgusted.
“How can I help you?” She asked through clenched teeth.
“I need some clothes,” I told her. I doubted she would help me.
“Let’s see if I can get some for you.”
She left the front desk for a while, and came back after about two minutes, hand full of a few different shirts.
“We don’t have any clothes for men,” she said. I could tell she was lying, but at this point, I just wanted to convince Dean that I was okay. I needed him to calm down for me. So I decided to take one of the women’s shirts. The one I took was a soft yellow, and had a kitten on it. It seemed to be the only one that would fit me, even in the slightest.
“Here, let me have your old shirt. I’ll wash it for you,” she said. I nodded and took off my shirt in the middle of the lobby without thinking about who would stare. I put on the other shirt right away, not realizing or caring about how I looked. I mumbled something to her that sounded similar to “thanks” and walked back into my room to tell Dean I was going to bed.
Me: This shirt is made for women. But it’s comfortable.
Dean: She didn’t have anything for guys?
Me: I don’t know. I didn’t bother to ask.
Dean: So you’re just wearing chick clothes?
Me: Yes, I seem to have given her the impression that I was homosexual.
Dean: Cross-dressing usually gives off that impression.
No, Dean. I told her I was dating you. I wasn’t going to tell Dean that, though. It would make him uncomfortable. So I decided to once again explain with a lot of hidden details.
Me: I mean before then. When I told her I wasn’t single.
Dean: What exactly did you tell her?
Did he really want to know that badly? I still refused to let him know that this town knows us as the couple that will soon reunite.
Me: I was dating someone.
Dean: Oh whatever. Just get some sleep and text me later, k?
Me: Okay.
I was very happy that he didn’t push the issue any further. I just wanted to get out of that situation before I was in it.
Ding.
Another text from Dean.
Dean: I’m going to keep driving. Night.
Me: Be careful. Please do not fall asleep at the wheel.
Dean: I’ll be fine, Cas. Don’t worry about me.
Me: I always worry about you, Dean. Always. Just be careful. Goodnight.
At first, I wondered if I’d said too much. Dean didn’t reply, and honestly, that freaked me out a lot. But I decided that I needed to sleep, so I put the phone down on the table next to the coffee cup and went to sleep.