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DATE UNKNOWN: SUMMER, MAEVE ROJAS
It was summer, exams were over now, for Bronwyn and the rest of murder club anyway, Maeve begrudgingly still had two weeks left of high school before summer break.
Bronwyn though reluctantly seemed to have forgiven Maeve for what she did, they had talked it out a few weeks ago, after Maeve had strongly refused to miss her graduation. They were still sisters after all and Maeve would be pissed if she willingly had to miss out on any more important milestones, like she had as a kid. Thus, prompting a full-blown shouting match which ended in a more mature conversation which allowed the two to express their side of things and maybe even see each other’s perspectives also.
And maybe Maeve was slightly cracking under school stress, being so behind and all but sometimes she could swear that she could see a glimpse of hatred or resentment in her sisters eyes sometimes, but as quickly as she spotted it, it disappeared.
Maybe she deserved it and yet at the same time she knew she would do the same thing over and over again if given a choice because she would to save them again, to save her sister, save Janae.
Speaking of Janae, the two still hadn’t talked about the ‘boat incident’ as they were calling it, in fact Janae and Maeve hadn’t talked about anything at all, not since seeing her at the hospital, all Maeve had received though was a text:
‘I need some time to think things through.’
That was two weeks ago and ever since- radio silence, and Maeve was sick of it, sick of feeling like a villain. She saved them. She didn’t deserve to be ostracised like this. But she still wanted to fix things, she wanted so badly it hurt, so she had formed a plan.
A simple one. But a plan none the less.
A letter.
One which had taken a hell of a lot of convincing on Maeve’s behalf for Bronwyn to give to Janae, today:
“I don’t think it’s a good idea Maeve” Bronwyn spoke pityingly, as she grabbed her keys from the table, readying to leave.
“Look I get that she wanted space, but it’s been two weeks B, and nothing. This letter has everything I want to say and if she still doesn’t want to say anything back then I guess we’re over. I can take that. But this, the not knowing is killing me and I know I fucked up but I don’t deserve this.” Maeve held the white envelope out to her sister, her eyes unusually pleading.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Bronwyn eventually nodded slowly, giving in, eliciting a sigh of relief from Maeve as she handed over the letter and watched her sister leave. Shutting the door behind her.
Great more waiting she thought, at least I’m good at that.
/-/-/-/-/-/
Okay who was she kidding, over the course of the next hour Maeve had just about finished every task in the house, dishwasher, sweeping, literally anything she could get her hands on to stop herself from picking up her phone, eyes lingering on a contact she knew didn’t want to speak to her.
Groaning internally and clasping both hands around her face she wished her parents were home, that way it might be easier to pretend to act normal, as, of course her parents were none the wiser about her relationship with Janae, just as she wanted to keep it, not sure how they would take it and all.
/-/-/-/-/-/
Eventually Maeve must have fallen asleep on her bed, the room now darker and cooler as an evening breeze hit her bare shoulders.
She looked at her alarm clock 10.14PM.
Getting up she quickly went to check if Bronwyn was back. If she missed her, she was going to be pissed.
Fuck.
Her door was shut, lights off.
Quickly yet silently Maeve crept in to see if she was asleep, and upon finding her sister unconscious underneath her quilt she debated waking her, however their relationship was unstable enough as it is and she didn’t want to risk rocking the boat any more than necessary. That’s when she heard her phone buzz from the bedside cabinet in her room.
Maeve hated the way something inside her lit up in white hot hope.
She scrambled back to her room as calmly as she could and shut her door lightly. Taking a deep breath, she picked up her phone.
Janae: hey, I got your letter.
Janae: we should talk.
Maeve knew it would look desperate if she answered straight away but fuck it who was she kidding. She is desperate.
She thought about what to say, deliberating a moment before deciding-
Maeve: our spot, 20 mins?
Janae simply reacted with a thumbs up. Ouch.
Their spot, technically they didn’t have a spot but in a way it was a test.
A while back when they first started dating they went to the beach, Janae had asked to see her, somewhere away from the chaos, and Maeve figured the beach at night should be calm, and it was. They found a sand dune, one which gave a perfect view of the rest of the beach so they could watch the waves crash down and the last few dog walkers make their way down by the water. After a while of talking, they ended up sitting in silence and just listening, it was nice especially with everything going on around them at the time and Maeve had said “this should be our spot, it’s nice here” and Janae had agreed.
They only went that once because everything got so messy so quickly that there was no more time for juvenile chatting and having fun, no more time for going out at night without feeling watched. Maybe that’s when everything started to go wrong Maeve thought.
Either way Maeve was happy that Janae passed her test.
She remembered and that was enough to bring a small smile to her face.
If she remembered that then perhaps there was still feelings there, maybe the casual thumbs up didn’t mean that Janae no longer cared about her as the weeks of silence suggested, maybe it was just easier to talk in person because everything that had happened was just too difficult to put into words, especially over text.
Trying not to panic Maeve prepared to sneak out, brushing her hair, changing into a decidedly nicer t-shirt, these things didn’t matter, they wouldn’t make a difference to whatever Janae was ready to talk about yet she continued anyway maybe because somewhere deep inside she hoped these things could make a difference, a futile hope.
After cleaning herself up she grabbed her keys from one of her coat pockets and snuck as quietly as she could past her parents’ bedroom door and down the stairs. Yes, Maeve was seventeen but that didn’t mean her parents wanted her sneaking out at ten pm on a random Wednesday when she had school tomorrow, her grades were slipping as It was.
She stopped at the front door, taking a breath and preparing herself for what was to come, she made sure to go lightly with the mascara so that if it ran, she wouldn’t wake up looking like a panda tomorrow.
Everything will be fine!
At least that’s what she would try to convince herself for the twenty-minute bus ride to the beach.
/-/-/-/-/
Maeve stepped off the bus exactly seven minutes late, she really should have given herself a time that was a little less restrictive but whatever, she was here now, she couldn’t go back now, she didn’t want to.
The heels of her black Mary janes crunched on the gravel below before it slowly began turning to sand.
Eventually as she walked along the beach she spotted Janae around thirty feet away, sitting cross legged in the sand, the moonlight reflecting off of her face as she stared up at it, Maeve wasn’t entirely sure that Janae hadn’t seen her coming but if she did she certainly didn’t look her way.
Maeve had to force herself to look away, not allowing her eyes to linger or her mind to notice how much lighter Janae’s hair had gotten because of the summer sun, or the way she looked more ethereal than the last time they had seen each other.
Eventually Maeve arrived at their spot and immediately panicked as Janae turned to meet her eyes, they looked scared, probably as scared as her own did right about now.
“Hey” she received, god she had missed the sound of Janae’s voice.
“Hey” Instinctually she went on the defensive, crossing her arms and trying to look unaffected.
“I got your letter”.
“You said”.
Janae sighed lightly and turned back to look at the sea.
As soon as Janae’s eyes left her Maeve felt herself cool a little, sitting on the sand next to her.
A small bout of silence followed, and Maeve figured She was trying to find a perfect way to express what she wanted to say next, perhaps ‘I hate you’ maybe what you did was wrong on so many levels, I can’t do this anymore’. Probably something which blew Maeve off in a way which made her feel even shittier than she already did, which is totally unfair since she didn’t do anything wrong in the first place! Not to mention the fact that she sav-
“I’m really sorry”
Oh.
Maeve turned to look at the Blonde slightly –no totally shocked but Janae didn’t look back at her.
“I’m really sorry for everything, for ignoring you… not letting you tell me your side of things, being a person that you felt like you couldn’t tell your plan to” Janae continued as Maeve sat silently.
“You would’ve told one of them” Maeve said quietly.
Janae nodded sadly.
“Yeah, I probably would have”. Janae looked down at her hands in her lap.
“Either way,” she continued “we both made mistakes” she turned now to look me in the eyes “it hurt that you lied to me, but I get why you did it, you were trying to protect Bronwyn, protect me, and you pulled it off.”
“I was a shitty girlfriend, and I regret that. I left you out to try and keep you safe without realising that I was actually just pushing you away, and I put Addy first which was super unfair of me. And I know that, but after Simon.” Janae looked toward the moon again “I don’t know I felt like I was on autopilot trying to fix things, to make sure I didn’t lose anyone else without actually having the ability save anyone”.
“We both made mistakes” The brunette agreed.
“But I didn’t deserve the way you all treated me” Maeve continued trying to make sure her voice didn’t break as she looked towards the waves which broke against the sand in noisy crashes. She wrapped her arms around her knees as she brought them up to her chest – bringing her some semblance of comfort.
“You didn’t deserve any of it” Janae turned to look at her and Maeve could see in her periphery that she was tearing up. Instead of looking back she looked down at her hands again.
“I know that what I did was reckless and dangerous, but I don’t regret it, and like I said in the letter I would do it again, if… if there’s any chance of you forgiving me you need to accept that”. Maeve hated the truth as soon as she spoke it.
There was that awful silence again.
There it was that awful feeling, she knew, she knew that Janae didn’t want this anymore, want her, she fucked up and that was it. She closed her eyes tight.
Do not cry, please.
“Okay”
“What?” Maeve’s eyes snapped up instantly, her question almost inaudible in shock.
“I forgive you”.
Maeve was now what one would class as an emotional wreck, a mixture of confusion, tiredness and hope filling every pore of her being.
“Why?” the honest question slipping from her lips before she had time to stop it.
Janae thought a moment before replying.
“Because we were kind of doomed from the beginning anyway, I mean starting a relationship in the middle of a murder investigation and all that crap going on around us with Simon says, we were literally fated to make mistakes. And for lack of a better term we were kind of… stupid” Janae almost seemed to laugh at the last part.
“So, what, I was just a mistake then?” Maeve spat out.
“No- shit, that’s not what I meant, sorry” Janae turned her whole body towards me now on her knees.
“I just mean, everything was too fucked to go smooth sailing, My best friend had just died, I don’t think I was ready for a relationship. But I am now.” Maeve’s eyes snapped up instantly once again from where they had trailed off.
“If you’ll have me. If you’ll forgive me” Janae’s eyes look almost pleading in this light.
“If you weren’t ready for a relationship then, why did you start one?”
“Because I wanted one, I wanted you, I really like you Maeve; I always have”.
God Janae’s lips look kissable right now, but Maeve needed to focus, if there was any chance in them working out, she needed to be honest too, even if Jana had basically just admitted what Maeve had wanted to hear her whole life.
Finally, a tear made its way down her face mixing into the dark strands of hair that had come loose from her braids but Maeve brushed it away quickly with the back of her hand as she stiffed.
“I just need you to keep telling me the truth” Janae said.
“I can forgive you too Janae, but I need to know that I’m going to be your first choice.”
“God I am so sick of being everybody’s second choice!”
“It feels like crap” Maeve expressed exasperatedly.
“I promise, I will choose you first, always” Janae said, her voice clear in the silence of the night.
Janae, then sealing the deal held out her pinkie, this action, so childish in nature made them feel like perhaps they hadn’t seen things which aged them beyond their years, they could start their relationship fresh. Without the looming threat of Simon says, or being blackmailed, even the judgemental pressures of high school since Janae had already graduated from Balmoral.
Their promise signified their trust in each other; their affection that would soon (if not already) turn to love, it symbolised that they would remake their relationship mutually so that they could avoid the mistakes they had made before. And Maeve who had come out tonight expecting Janae to break her heart wanted nothing more than Janae right now, right here in their spot.
Maeve locked her pinkie finger with Janae’s and locked it in with their thumbs.
Using their interlocked hands as an anchor Maeve pulled Janae closer, closing the distance between them and pressing her lips against the Blonde’s carefully.
She loved the way Janae- as she often does uses her hand to gently caress the side of her face in order to pull her closer all the more, it made her feel treasured, wanted.
Janae leant closer on her knees as Maeve lowers her own and uses her free hand to grab Janaes t-shirt in order to yank her body closer, the relief of the kiss somehow lighting up her insides and making her seem impossibly weightless, all her problems drifting away as she got lost in the taste of the coffee on Janae’s lips.
Carefully but not slowly Maeve moves to sit on her knees, allowing for much better angles with which Janae, who only pulls her closer, can use her to hold her hip over the denim skirt she decided to wear tonight.
Fuck it.
Maeve hooks herself around either side of Janae’s legs, her thighs wrapped around her now once again girlfriend.
Janae upon realising their hands were still interlinked moved her own away so that she could place one on Maeve’s right thigh whilst the other went back up into the black threads of her hair, causing Maeve to elicit a gasp. Both of their breathing became faster, and even though the evening had cooled slightly both started to sweat with the frantic movements between them, Maeve attempted to push her body as close to Janae’s as possible anyway not wanting any space between them as her thoughts became focused on one thing and one thing only.
Things had not been this heated before, this was new territory yet neither pulled away, for as long as they could.
Suddenly Maeve moved away, blinking. Still their body’s stayed pressed together.
“You, okay?” Janae asked eyes wide with worry as she removed her hands slowly.
“Yeah, just- ugh” Maeve fished something out of her pocket, her phone. Which seemed to be consistently buzzing.
“Shit” Maeve read her messages. Her parents realised she was gone, and both of them, including Bronwyn were blowing up her phone asking her where she was.
“My parents realised I’m gone”. She breathed out heavily.
Janae grimaced in response, yet searching Maeve’s face saw that she wasn’t upset, in fact she was smiling,
“What?” Janae asked softly confused.
Maeve laughed, looking back at her then at her phone, locking it again.
“I don’t care” she sighed.
Throwing the phone into the sand beside them she giggled again and pressed her mouth again against Janae’s, pushing Janae fiercely into the sand beneath them so that she was on top of her and not so secretly loving the way that following the surprised gasp Janae’s hands both gripped her waist and pulled her entire body weight down upon herself.
Maeve felt so free kissing Janae, the sound of the ocean behind them, the moonlight above them and the quiet which made the sounds between them louder and more pronounced, Maeve could hear every intake of breath and gasp and shuffle of clothing as she held tightly onto Janae’s black t-shirt, not caring if she stretched it, not caring about the way her skirt rode up from the way she laid, not caring about her worried parents or high school or the ‘boat incident’. She was just Maeve, present in the moment making out with the girl she loved.
And as she heard her phone start to buzz and ring next to them she didn’t care either, pulling back from Janae only to giggle into her neck, Janae laughing too at the absurdity of the situation, the only things she did care about right now was the press of Janae’s hands, her skin, her lips, her amazing humour and witty sarcasm, her forgiveness, her cool rockstar persona which she achieved without even trying, the way her room somehow smelt like coffee and caramel and everything which felt like home even though Maeve didn’t even like coffee. And all of this was enough, enough to get her though the inevitable argument with her parents as soon as she got home and every other problem in the foreseeable future.
“You know I’m really glad this went well because my buses stopped twenty minutes ago and I need you to drive me home” Maeve whispered into Janae’s neck.
And they laughed again into the silence of the night.