Archive of Our Own

August, 2016

No one at the bar is focused on the TV, chatting away and wiping the alcohol that dribbles on their chins—Shoyo almost zips past, the warm reminder of food on his back, but a view of red uniforms (Japan's National Team, the ones he'd been eyeing before his Brazil plan) and the familiar loud screeching of a whistle stops him in his tracks. He watches the intensity of the serve, a familiar curve and direction, and he isn't surprised to see a close-up of Kageyama's face, pixelated by the screen.

É Ace! Fantástico! Ele só tem 19 anos! (A Service Ace! Only 19 years old!) Tobio Kageyama!!"

The announcer speaks a pinch too fast— Shoyo lags behind to understand, and when he does, he faintly wonders if Oikawa is watching this one, even if he says he doesn't watch Kageyama's games, Shoyo can see straight through him. How does Oikawa do it? Go to a whole different country, not plan on going back to Japan, and beat everyone in a place he's only known for a small fraction of his life. Doesn't he ever miss home?

He stalls for a second, watching as the whistle blows for another serve, he inhales and pushes his leg to continue biking.

It's a splash of cold water in the morning, seeing Kageyama on an official olympic stage while Shoyo's here, across the world from his home and still lacking skill—it feels impossible to near Kageyama's level. If Shoyo's a challenger, Kageyama is already the champion. Kageyama's already making accomplishments that make him seem like a different person than the Kageyama Tobio he knew in high school.

The Kageyama he knew didn't feel so almighty, not like someone you see on screen and think "Wow, wonder what expensive school he went to for this path." or "Is this guy even real?" Shoyo knows Kageyama, watched the way his attitude progressed as the months went by but he kept his same competitive spirit—this is still Kageyama Tobio. The Kageyama who had always gotten the same flavored drink from the vending machines, exact brand too. The Kageyama who'd clam up when the conversation strayed away from volleyball because all he knew was volleyball. The Kageyama who, despite animals not liking him, would always stop and admire stray cats on their way to Sakanoshita. The Kageyama who could never ace a test, but he could always send a perfect set to the ace. The Kageyama who would choke on his food when he'd eat it a smidge too fast.

Shoyo longs to be like him, to have only known a world of volleyball, because then, he'd never fallen behind and he'd be there: next to Kageyama, wearing a red uniform, on the olympic stage.

(How does Kageyama think of Brazil? Is he thinking of Shoyo here? Does the sun feel different compared to Japan—How does Japan feel like these days? He'd left in spring, right when the cherry blossoms were almost done blooming, how's the summer? Kageyama, how different is Brazilian winter to Japanese summer? Kageyama, what sort of things are you doing over there that I don't know about?)

He kicks his bike stand down and rushes to the woman standing outside the apartment complex, he greets her and hands her the pizza as she passes him some cash. "—No need for change, obrigada! (Thank you!) " She calls out as she rushes off inside the building. It takes him a few seconds to sort his money into his bag, double checking that his bag is shut securely, but as soon as he feels the wind rushing against his face, he's biking off.

The streets are more crowded than they had been minutes ago when Shoyo were biking the opposite direction, he watches as people walk down the side walks wearing yellow jerseys, holding up Brazilian flags, and chanting.

Right— Olympics. He'd been so focused on Kageyama being there, that he hadn't really focused on the fact that it's here, not too far away from him. From the way the streets are all beaming smiles and laughing, Brazil must've gotten a good spot, but Shoyo doesn't have time to worry about rankings and such—he's still got pizzas to deliver. At this rate, Kageyama will always be ahead—but still, Shoyo doesn't have time to worry.

When he wakes up the next morning, the bright sunlight filtering into his room through the window behind his bed, he scrolls through his phone and reads the celebration tweets about Brazil's gold medal. He almost feels a small tinge of pride—it feels good to be in a country of winners—but he himself isn't a winner, he's not Brazilian, and he hasn't reached his goal of playing on the olympic level; so he pushes down any feelings he might have for the win and gets up to go brush his teeth.

He's still a loser above it all.

August, 2016

"Com licença (Excuse me,) , do you— uhm— speak Portuguese?"

"Oh! Yes I do!"

"I can tell you're not Brazilian, not in a bad way! Where are you from, handsome?"

"Japan! I'm Japanese!"

"Ooh! That's fun! I've always wanted to visit Japan! I'm Maria!"

"There's really good tourist places! I'm Shoyo."

" Shoyo, can I get your WhatsApp?"

"Eh? My WhatsApp?"

"You're hot, don't you know? You do have one, right?"

"Oh—Yeah, I do, I just, uhm, I'm not looking for anything right now."

"Oh? No? Okay, that's fine, you don't have to give me it! I'm not a pushy girl or anything, haha!"

October 2, 2016
Dear Kageyama,I know we haven't talked in a really long time, and I know that it's mainly my fault. If I hadn't moved across the world, we'd be able to communicate better. I shouldn't expect you to go past your schedule just because I want to talk to you, but sometimes I really do want you to text me.
I saw a cat yesterday, I took a picture of it too, it was so cute! It reminded me of you, it was a black cat and it was wary of me, it wouldn't come near me or my hand, it's okay, though. It'll warm up like you did!
How are you doing? Are you planning on doing something for halloween? I think Heitor is taking me to a party, just something small with his group of friends. Have you been meeting anyone new? This isn't something new but I haven't told you this yet, Brazil is so different to Japan. Do you know that they host pride parades? I know you never explicitly told me you were queer, but somehow I know, and I know that you'd like to see it.
Hinata

November, 2016

The spring breeze is becoming the slightest bit colder, but it's the opposite of how November feels in Japan. It's approaching winter at home but the sun in Brazil has become more hotter and brighter.

He misses hanging out with the others, when Yamaguchi would talk about a place and then the next week they'd be there. Shoyo misses when his mom would straighten his jacket and tell him not to get home late, or when she'd offer to host all four of them over (Shoyo regrets saying no, he would've liked having a sleepover where he and Yamaguchi could draw on Kageyama and Tsukishima's faces. Or maybe, they could play passing drills in his back yard in warm clothing and fumble around because their jackets were so unnecessarily big.)

He really misses his family.

He pushes the thought away—Thinking too hard about Natsu and his absence makes his stomach roll—he feels nauseous with the thought and the alcohol sitting in his gut.

Shoyo wonders if Natsu still idolizes Kageyama like she did in the past, does Kageyama think fondly of her and how she'd always play with his hair. He can remember it clearly: Kageyama sat down on the floor infront of Natsu who'd sit on the couch and grip at his hair at an impossibly tight grip that only kids have and tie colorful hair ties into small ponytails that matched palm trees in Brazil. He's grimace from the pain in his head, but he'd fix his expression when Natsu'd look at the final product. Shoyo remembers the way she'd jump up and down so excited, and the way a small, genuine smile would creep up on his face. It's forever engrained in his brain—the two most important people enjoying each other's company.

He feels his eyes beginning to sting, so he shakes his head quickly and wills everything away—if he thinks about one small thing, it will snowball into him overthinking.

Gripping the handlebars of his bike, he hops onto it and glances at the road signs, internally mapping out his route. It's mainly muscle memory—going to his apartment. Dropping off pizzas daily keeps roads in his head subconsciously so he doesn't have to think about which direction to go.

He slides off his shoes at the door, glancing at the lack of Pedro's. He doesn't go out a lot, so Shoyo isn't quite sure where he would be, but he doesn't lament over it. The silence is eerie; despite the fact that Pedro isn't a loud roommate in the first place, it's scary to know Shoyo is completely alone right now, he can't barge into Pedro's room and talk his ear off.

He shuts his bedroom door behind him and settles down at his desk, he takes his phone out of his pocket and glances down at it. He doesn't use social media, which, even to himself, is surprising—It's 2016, everyone uses their phones and social media. It's not like he doesn't have time, he's sitting right here with nothing better to do, he just doesn't like looking at posts.

If he scrolls through his instagram feed instead of just checking his notifications and occasionally posting something, then he'll have to see what he's missing out on. Yachi posting about the games she goes to (Tsukishima's and Kageyama's), Yamaguchi posting pictures of the food at restaurants Shoyo's been wanting to try but never got to because he left so soon, Natsu posting long photo dumps about her school life, friend group, volleyball journey, their new cat Shoyo hasn't even met in person. Kageyama.

Kageyama doesn't post a lot, once a month really, and it's only a singular image when he does post. But—For some unnameable reason—It hurts to even look at the monthly image. To see the thousands of likes, the comments filled with compliments for Kageyama's appearance when he posts an image with his face in it, the official V League merch that Shoyo wants to feel so badly.

As Shoyo begins scrolling down to the bottom of Kageyama's page, he realizes he'd privated all the posts from at least a year ago. The lack of the selfie of all of them holding their diplomas—Shoyo remembers the post in great detail, the caption of "we graduate d" engrained in his brain, Shoyo fondly remembers the way Tsukishima had laughed at Kageyama for the lack of emotion in the caption. Shoyo stares at the oldest post, which had just been one of a sunset back in July (the Rio Olympics, Shoyo recalls, recognizing the trees as the ones here and not the ones back at home) without a caption.

Shoyo realizes that all of the posts that Kageyama had in high school, of random stuff, like cats from afar, the view from the buses they would take to practice matches, the snow durng nationals, have been deleted. He had completely removed them from his page—Shoyo remembers seeing his face all over the instagram page when he'd scrolled through Kageyama's phone in their third year, he had laughed loudly and questioned Kageyama Why did you post all the pictures I took on your phone? And why do you keeo posting these ugly, off-guard pictures of me?

Kageyama deleted all evidence of Shoyo on his page.

Shoyo shouldn't have expected Kageyama to still think about him after high school, it wasn't like they were fated to go against each other or to even see each other again. It's a professional account, having pictures of Shoyo with his mouth wide open while he was sleeping would not be a good look but— but Shoyo kind of expected Kageyama to private this account and make a new one, not delete everything.

He swipes off the instagram tab and hesitates as his thumb goes twitter icon. It's not like Kageyama would know, or care, that Shoyo is looking through his socials.

I had the great oppurtunity to be interviewed by Mako-chan. Please go read the article below. Thank you again, Mako-chan!

He's really popular now, isn't he?

Shoyo remembers in high school, when some girls would fawn over him—Shoyo never really understood it then, Kageyama is mean, selfish, and careless—and when Kageyama would do something stupid and embarrassing, they'd go find someone else to fawn over. Kageyama hadn't cared about how girls perceived him, he'd never join conversations about dating or what girls were cute, he only cared for volleyball (he only really wanted to be seen as a great setter, that's all.)

Back then, Shoyo had been jealous: wanting girls to be looking at him instead of looking at Kageyama. And while he eventually got more attention, being vice captain and all, he still felt a pit of jealousy over how many girls liked Kageyama. Even now, that hasn't changed. Girls don't really look his way.

He sort of expected girls to lose interest in Kageyama, he's not sociable really and can't properly interact with girls nor boys in a romantic manner. Somehow, even when they only saw Kageyama's mean and tough exterior, they still liked him. Shoyo wonders if they would like him more if they saw the parts only he saw. Like the moments where Kageyama became shy when he'd discuss his abilities (more specifically, when he'd talk about what he wanted to improve on), or when Shoyo would introduce him to a friend and he'd become awkward, or even the small, insignificant detail, that Kageyama had a big sweet tooth, bigger than Shoyo's, but he never indulged because of his strict diet he made himself (but Shoyo always convinced him to have a little leinency, what's being a high schooler if you don't break some rules.) Shoyo immediately has the feeling that these girls would like him even more, and Shoyo has the selfish desire to keep these moments to himself—no one should see this side of Kageyama.

Thanks so much Kageyama-kun! It was truly an honor to interview you! Lets go get drinks with the whole crew again!!! wwww you're such an sleepy drunk wwwwww

Shoyo shuts off his phone, reaches over to his charger and plugs it in before sighing to himself. Nowadays, people get to see a side of Kageyama he hasn't gotten to see yet.

Spring in Japan was this:
- Unneccessary volleyball practice when nationals was past and graduation was near, Kageyama glancing at him and grinning, then sending a ball his way
- Senpai's buying him popsicles to cool them down in the rising temperatures, and Noya somehow always getting a free one and rushing away
- The short burst of cherry blossoms, and picnics Yachi planned and how cute Kageyama looked when the petals would land in his hair and he'd glance up in confusion when Shoyo would giggle

Spring in Brazil is different, a good different, a season without Kageyama.

A man at one of the courts at night told him this: "Go to the beach during the spring, not the summer, everyone goes during the summer, it'll be impossible to have fun, if you go early, you can still have fun and see it better." That's where Shoyo is: the beach.

Since coming to Brazil, Shoyo hasn't properly sat on the beach, always doing something else to occupy himself. He wishes he had done this sooner, it feels nice. Brazil's known for their beaches, it's the reason why Shoyo came here in the first place, but he's been so occupied with playing on the sand or meditating that he's never actually spent time with the ocean. The wet sand is warm from the sun, and it melts like a left out chocolate bar under his feet.

The crashing waves of the ocean against the shore sounds similar, and it clicks in his head when he pauses to think about it. It's like the passing cars outside nationals in Tokyo, when the cold was bitter and harsh against his face and the anxiety of wanting to become the champions pooled low in his gut. An image of Kageyama's red face flashes through his mind: his head tucked into the top of his jacket, but the flush on the top of his cheeks apparent. It was cute.

Kageyama had never done well with the cold—It had been both confusing and saddening. For his birthday being in December, he couldn't handle the season he was meant to celebrate (Shoyo always loved summer, Tsukishima was the most content with autumn, Yamaguchi trilled in the cold months of winter) Shoyo could never fathom not liking when he was born. Kageyama never really seemed to particularly enjoy a specific season, he could never choose a favorite (but immediately, winter was his least.) He never really seemed to like anything but volleyball.

Shoyo had tried to get him to like something else, showed him different genres of mangas, different movies within the DVD case his mom kept in the closet, the different types of girls in the fashion magazines Tanaka had borrowed from Saeko. He never raised an eyebrow at anything. He was always solemn— besides when he was playing volleyball.

He'd always smile, eyes crinkling up as he looked at Shoyo. It had been weird at first—stone cold Kageyama smiling so fondly at him. He never even smiled at Shoyo's jokes, so him smiling at Shoyo standing, waiting for a set, was strange.

The water rushing over his ankles is cool—not cold, but less warmer than the sand—it kicks him out of his brain and off memory lane.

True to his word, the beach is decently empty, only a few people around. It's surprising, the beach is usually packed. It feels nice like this, though, the peace of only hearing the crashing waves and the singing birds. He has the fleeting thought of: I want to bring Kageyama here, hang out again like we did back then, but this time, without us speaking, just listening to this.

Shoyo inhales, breathing in the warm, salty air, and feels his body relax. He shuts his eyes, lets the feeling of water encompass his feet and imagines a life where Kageyama is here; not only to play volleyball, but to relax.

When he pushes away that mental image, deeming it impossible, he begins to walk forward, letting the water overtake more of his body—he'd worn some cargo shorts he didn't mind getting wet, he should've worn swim trunks—and more of his body gets wet. It reaches up to his chest, swaying and pushing against his skin, he lets it, watches it. Push and push against his skin, the blue a significant contrast to his orange skin.

December 31, 2016
Dear Kageyama,
Did you ever get my text? I know you keep your read receipts off, so I can't tell if you read it, but I had sent you a birthday message. You also haven't sent me a New Year's message, and I am too much of a coward to send one to you. I shouldn't be such a coward, I should just go to the post office and send these letters, I should just send a simple text message to you but I can't.
I haven't seen the black cat in a while, I'm a little worried, I even left out some cat food in his regular spot, but it's still full.
I watched an old Karasuno game, the Kamomedai one. I started laughing, of course I'd get a fever in that game! What an idiot, I was am! I definitely want to beat Hoshiumi.
Are you excited for the new year? 2017 will be my year! Have you made any resolutions? Knowing you, it'd all be volleyball related.
Shoyo

February 2017

The video on his phone is blocky and glitchy for a couple of seconds, before it actually smoothens out and Oikawa's smiling face is clear. He's smiling way bigger than Shoyo's ever seen, even when he was having fun here, like when they ate with the "Buy me a drink" brothers.

"Why are you smiling like that, Oikawa?" Shoyo asks. He's not really sure why Oikawa asked to video call, Shoyo doesn't like keeping up with the Adlers much, rather sticking to the V-League as a whole, and he knows Oikawa would never admit to being caught up to the Adlers. There's nothing really for them to talk.

"Am I smiling strangely?" Oikawa questions, his face dropping quickly into a pout as he thinks.

Shoyo quickly answers so Oikawa doesn't go bald from thinking, "It's just bright like— the sun! I've never seen you smile like that!"

"Oh! It may have sommething to do with what I wanna tell you!" Oikawa exclaims, perking up over the phone.

Shoyo tilts his head to the side, "What is it?"

"Me and Iwaizumi are dating!" he announces proudly, smiling wide and looking at Shoyo expectantly.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi? —Weren't they already dating? Shoyo thinks back to his first year, when they were playing against Shiratorizawa. He was on the sideline, supposed to be watching the court but his eyes drifted to the crowd—he'd always look up there, watching the reactions of the crowd, it was a bad habit and Coach Ukai told him so—he'd noticed Iwaizumi and Oikawa up there. They were on the upmost seats, but Shoyo still could see them, the way Oikawa leaned onto Iwaizumi's side, and the way Iwaizumi would turn his head to just stare at Oikawa. He'd only snapped out of it when Nishinoya clapped him on the shoulder.

"Just now?"

"Huh?" Oikawa questions, furrowing his eyebrows. "What do you mean by 'just now?'"

"You guys just started dating? I thought you both have been together for years?"

Oikawa blinks at Shoyo before laughing loudly. "What?" He laughs harder when he watches Shoyo pout. "What are you talking about? I think if I knew he liked me then I would've asked him out! And it wasn't just now, we got together last month!"

"What? He definitely did— You can ask him. I know he liked you back then, Oikawa!" Shoyo exclaims, "You're just oblivious! I'm willing to bet to he was the one who confessed."

Based on Oikawa's reddening face, Shoyo concludes he's right. "Okay! But what does that have to do with anything! It doesn't mean he's actually liked— hey… Wait… Aren't you being a little hypocritical?"

"Eh? What?"

"You and Tobio-chan aren't together, right?"

Shoyo sputters, feeling heat rise to his face—everytime someone's made a comment about him and another person romantically, he's always become flustered, it's embarassing but only because: "I don't like him like that!"

Oikawa clicks his tongue. "That's what you want to believe— Shoyo, long distance isn't that bad! There's definitely some ups and downs but if you really love him, you both will make it work out!"

"I'm— We're not gonna do that! Why would I like Kageyama?"

Oikawa laughs and sets his phone down on a surface and grabs a nail file. "That's what I'm wondering, but I guess I like Iwaizumi sooo, but Tobio-chan is definitely weird. You really don't like him like that?"

Shoyo insistently shakes his head. "No, I don't! Really, I don't! If I did, I definitely would know!" he exclaims.

Oikawa huffs, "Whatever! Just make sure I'm your best man, okay?!"

"Not happening, Oikawa— Oh shit! I have to go to the beach— Hey! Don't forget about Valentine's Day coming up!"

"Oh shit!" Oikawa yelps as the line cuts.

Stupid Oikawa. Why would he and Kageyama be dating? It's such a strange thought, Shoyo huffs. It's been so long since he stalked Kageyama's socials, three months to be specific. He can't go through them—He has practice to do.

---

March 22, 2017
Dear Kageyama,
Sometimes I get overwhelmingly homesick. I don't puke about it anymore, but I still get sick to my stomach. I think about everyone at home and then I'm overcome with sickness and dread. I don't know why I feel like this, it's so dumb, I'm surrounded by great people and great players, people who've changed my life are here and people who love me. I want you to tell me it wasn't the worst decision of my life to come here, I know you'd be honest about it.
I know I shouldn't seek validation from someone else that isn't myself, but I can't help it. Do you think people are upset that I left? Are you upset about me leaving? Or is that a completely self-centered way of thinking?
Estou sentindo tua falta (I'm feeling your absence)
Sometimes I think I've messed up so gravely that Heaven just tortures me like this. It has to do with my selfishness or something, or does Heaven still not accept queer people?
Good night, Shoyo

May 13, 2017
Kageyama,
I have no one else to say this to, so I guess I'll tell you. I had a dream last night, it was a strange dream. I dreamed about kissing someone, but there wasn't a face on the person. It was so surprisng because I don't have anyone right now, I'm not looking for someone, but when we kissed it felt complete, like a kiss was all I needed in that moment.
I don't think that can actually be true, right?
I saw the cat again, he was completely fine! Haha! I freaked out for no reason. He still won't come up to me, but he was watching me, it was adorable. Cat in portuguese is gato! It's the same in spanish, haha! Do you think you'll message me someday?
Shoyo

June, 2017

"Ayy! Shoyo, how's 21 feel?" Heitor exclaims, wrapping an arm around Shoyo's shoulders. Just a few minutes prior they had done the countdown to twelve—and some of Shoyo's friends from Japan wished him a happy birthday at 12, which was nice, since they waited a whole day for his time.

"Feels the same, I think!" Shoyo yells back, the party is overwhelmingly loud (Heitor threw the party at his place, since Shoyo knew Pedro wouldn't like if he hosted a party at their place.) Half of the party are people Shoyo doesn't know, he hasn't been here long anyway; Heitor invited some of his own friends and people had brought their friends. Heitor had said "Most brazilians like to party, all the Brazilians I know do." Which, Shoyo can't really say if it's true or not, he hasn't been here long enough, and this is his first party here.

Heitor pushes a cup into Shoyo's hand, "It's not alcohol, don't worry! I remember you said you don't like to drink a lot, it's just water!"

He feels the corners of his lips quirk up as he nods. "Thanks! Yup, gotta keep myself in great condition!" He takes the cup and begins sipping on it, Heitor grins at him, flashing him a thumbs up as he rushes past into the crowd.

Shoyo walks around the house, glancing around at the groups hanging around. Some people greet him, in quick portuguese and a clap on his shoulder. He feels floaty, he's never celebrated his birthday like this. In the past, it was always a small hang out, a cupcake with a candle and a small group singing him happy birthday. Even when he turned 20, the legal drinking age in Japan, he was already in Brazil, and he already had a shot by then. He's never drank in Japan, he wonders how it would've been if he celebrated his 20th with Kageyama and his other friends. Would it feel different than watching around fifty people enjoy themselves, singing iconic songs (iconic to Brazil that is), and chanting praises for Shoyo?

How did Kageyama celebrate his 20th?

(He has the idea that there may be a post on instagram about it, whether it be from Kageyama himself, Hoshiumi, or another one of his teammates.

Shoyo can't help but think; How is Kageyama when he's drunk? Is he an emotional-drunk? A sleepy-drunk? He can't imagine Kageyama drunk, as much as he wants to, he can't envision what type he would be.)

He should answer the texts his friends sent, before he forgets—they should be awake at this time anyway, it's two pm over there. He walks past a group of people dancing and to the backyard, he settles down on a wooden bench and grabs his phone out of his pocket.

All the messages make him smile, they're pretty simple, never exceeding three sentences, some of them send old pictures from highschool. Tanaka sends a picture of Shoyo and Noya scarfing down food and Yachi sends multiple blurry photos of Shoyo in different scenarios. Shoyo attempts to ignore the pang in his heart when some of the photos have Kageyama in them—Shoyo hanging off of Kageyama's shoulder in a blurry image, Shoyo sticking his tongue out in the background of a selfie of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, Shoyo wrapping his arms around Kageyama's waist in one—

Shoyo's calling Yamaguchi before he processes it. He freaks out for a second—Why is he even calling him? But when Yamaguchi quickly picks up, he doesn't have time to worry.

"Hinata? You're still awake— isn't it, like, two in the morning over there?" Yamaguchi says softly, the faint sound of typing in the background.

"Oh— Yeah. I'm still at my party, it's really going on late! —Are you busy right now?"

Yamaguchi laughs. "Nope, I'm just here with Tanaka-san and he's writing a passionate email to some company! Tanaka-san! Do you wanna say 'Hi' to Hinata?"

With some shuffling, which is aggressively loud to Shoyo's ear, Tanaka's booming voice replaces Yamaguchi's. "Hinata! I haven't heard your voice in a long time! Are you enjoying the big 21? —Hey, I'll put you on speaker so Yamaguchi can hear you too!" Tanaka exclaims.

Shoyo finds himself laughing, despite the fact that Tanaka hasn't made a joke. "Yeah, 21 is pretty good so far! My teammate hosted a party for me, there's a lot of people here!"

"You drinking?" Tanaka asks with a singing tone.

"No," he answers simply. "I don't like to drink a lot. Hey— Is anything interesting going on in your lives?"

Yamaguchi gasps, "Hinata! —Oh my gosh, I actually need to tell you something later! Like— Hopefully you remember our conversation from high school or else it'll be awkward but—"

"What are you revealing, Yamaguchi? Can I know?" Tanaka questions, a teasing tone evident in his voice.

"I'll tell you uhm—"

Shoyo notices that someone's texted him, Kageyama. He freezes. "Hey— Guys, I've gotta go! Let's talk soon, okay?!" He feels bad for wrapping up the call abruptly, but Kageyama hasn't texted him in months.

"Oh— Yeah! Of course! Bye, Hinata! Happy birthday!" Yamaguchi quickly spews out before Shoyo presses the red button.

He presses on Kageyama's message: happy birthday hinata, don't slack off too much, i want to win fairly. It's not a usual birthday message normal people would sent, but Kageyama's never been normal—this is such a Kageyama answer. Shoyo feels a smile creep on his face and he huffs out a laugh. Of course Kageyama would send something like this when they haven't even spoken in a long time (eleven months to be precise.) He sends an over eager response.

Kageyama still wants to beat him.

Even when Shoyo has been gone, far away from Kageyama—He hadn't expected Kageyama to still want to beat him. He assumed he'd fallen too far back for Kageyama to still consider him a worthy opponent. It feels good to still be wanted, but Shoyo can't help but think— Does Kageyama not have good opponents right now? What does he find so special about Shoyo?

He can't help it—He has a whole party celebrating him inside but, he goes to a volleyball Youtube channel and searches for Schweiden Alders. The first one he sees, he clicks on and skipping through the video, and he notices this: Kageyama doesn't seem to be having fun.

When he blocks an opponent's spike, he doesn't celebrate. When he gets a service ace, he doesn't celebrate, only returning a high-five to their libero. When he does a risky setter dump, he doesn't even crack a grin.

Shoyo knows that if he were on a Division 1 team like Schweiden Alders, he'd always be happy to play—It's D1. The common pit in his gut of envy grows, growing from the small, pea-sized void it had been (he had taught himself to shrink it down aas small as possible, to keep the envy down so he doesn't overwork himself again.)

He so desperately wants to be the one on the other side of the net from Kageyama, to spike through his block, to receive his serve, to bump his setter dump.

He really wants to win over Kageyama.

He shuts his phone off and walks back into the house. Maybe a shot wouldn't hurt, he won't drink enough for Kageyama to consider "slacking off".

When he wakes up, without a headache because he sticked to only a shot, he notices that Yamaguchi has sent him a voice message.

"Okay—So, you're like the second person we've told—'cause Yachi somehow knew the exact day. But me and Tsukki officially got together. And, if you remember, uhm, our conversation in first year after studying at Kageyama's; I told you that I would want to confess to Tsukki first, but he actually confessed a few days ago and told me that he wanted to wait for me 'cause he over heard that and—I don't know! I was freaking out so much! I didn't think he heard that—let alone remember it! It feels so—surreal to me. I never really imagined he'd feel the same way. We've been friends for so long and I wanted to keep our friendship safe if anything—Hey, when you get time, you should call Kageyama! He's been sort of— oh, Tsukki!— Talk to you later Hinata!"

Shoya furrows his eyebrows. He's been sort of? Sort of what? He's seemed a little off his game, but what would Shoyo calling him do? Wouldn't it make him more off his game? Knowing that across the world, Shoyo is still watching him and reading through him? Kageyama wouldn't appreciate knowing that his sputtering is seen all the way in Brazil, he'd probably end up yelling at Shoyo for it.

He did remember that conversation they had years ago, it had stuck into his mind because he couldn't fathom someone actually liking Tsukishima (he can admit Tsukishima isn't terrible, but he's not sure about dating material, maybe that's something he needs to see for his own eyes—ehh, but seeing Tsukishima like that feels disturbing—)

He has the sudden urge to win; he can't lose.

(He's not sure what the competition is, but he can't lose nonetheless.)

---

August 5, 2017
Kageyama,
Do you ever feel like your falling behind? The Great King told me how he and Iwaizumi got together, Tadashi told me how he and Tsukishima got together and I can't help but feel like I've slipped so behind. I should be focusing on volleyball, I know you'd say something like that, but I can't help it! Even in high school I was behind! I only had one girlfriend in the whole three years, and we only dated for a week! I know you didn't date, but surely you noticed the girls who'd watch you from across the room. I can't describe how I'm feeling exactly. Envious, jealous, weak?
I just want to fall in love, I think. And I think that it's not a hard thing, possibly right infront of my eyes.
Shoyo

September, 2017

The warmth of spring's arrival is nice—He didn't really expect it when he wrote down some dates on his calendar, the seasons being opposite of Japan is still messing with his brain. He didn't expect the heat in the middle of September.

It seems that Pedro has taken notice of Shoyo's lack of experience with the heat. He places a plate of food and a water infront of Shoyo, the ice clinking against the bright colored plastic in the quiet room.

"Pedro, you seriously don't know how grateful I am that you cooked tonight 'cause it was so hot today, if I cooked, I think I would've died—"

Pedro sits down in front of him and huffs. "It's not that big of a deal to cook on your day. I'm barely outside anyways."

Shoyo nods quickly. "How's your classes so far? Anyone cool?"

He doesn't expect it—but Pedro's face flushes as he turns his head. "There's— There's this guy in my class, he's nice and stuff, we've been hanging out a little."

Shoyo laughs loudly, "Pedro! You can just say you like him! You don't have to pretend it's some simple friendship! What's his name?"

"…Theo."

Shoyo smiles widely, feeling the stretch on his lips, "So what? Do you think you two could become something?! Hey— You should introduce me to him!"

"Let's talk about something else for now!" Pedro quickly sputters, before shoving a spoonful of food into his mouth. Shoyo copies him, right after saying thanks.

"Hey—" Shoyo swallows his food completely so he doesn't choke, "—Did you see that new Shonen Jump Magazine that came out? The one with One Piece on it!"

Pedro nods, "Yeah— I need to go and get it later."

"Another? How do you have all the money to get them?" Shoyo wonders aloud, "Does your restaurant job really pay that much?"

Pedro shrugs, "I don't spend it on volleyball stuff, only this type of stuff."

"Right! You prioritize Otaku stuff!"

Pedro squints, "I wouldn't word it like that?"

The continue eating with the soft hum of the house, Pedro doesn't really like speaking when he's eating, he prefers watching videos on his phone, some new anime episode everyday. Shoyo doesn't mind the silence, he can hear the cars on the street, people speaking, and the occasional cat fight.

Shoyo glances down at his empty plate and speaks up, "I have to go shower, I'm really sweaty— I'll wash the dishes after, okay?" Pedro hums in acknowledgement. Its still a little hard to get used to Pedro's silence, it's not like Shoyo's friends in the past who never used their phones besides texting and calling.

The plate and cup clatters loudly at the bottom of the sink, Shoyo blinks at it then shakes his head. A noisy nuisance in the silence.

As he's pulling out a shirt from his dresser he pauses.

"Kageyama! Look, should I buy this?" Shoyo holds up the newest issue of Shonen Jump to Kageyama's face. He furrows his eyebrows.

"What's in this?"

"I dunno! I didn't read it yet, genuis!" Shoyo chirps, "Hey— Are you gonna buy a magazine? I saw you looking!"

Kageyama scrunches up his face and shakes his head, "Probably not."

Shoyo tilts his head and glances at the magazine rack, there's a lot of new ones, ones he doesn't recognize from last time he was here (which was before Daichi graduated.)

"What about this one? With these pretty girls on it? It's not weird or anything—It's a fashion thing, I think, but Noya always gets it to see the pretty girls. Hey— Do you remember when he was showing Asahi the magazine and instead of focusing on the girls, Asahi started to read out the fabrics and stuff?" Shoyo begins laughing but stops when Kageyama doesn't spare at glance at him.

He connects Kageyama's glaring (that isn't at him for once) to the volleyball magazine with someone from a foreign team on it. "Hey! If you want that one, why not get it?"

Kageyama blinks out of his volleyball-daze and shakes his head. "I'll get it next time, I left my wallet at home."

Shoyo blinks. "Eh? So you didn't get your daily milk, either? Don't worry, Kageyama! I'll buy you the volleyball magazine—And you don't have to pay me back!" He announces into the nearly empty store. He leans in closer to Kageyama and whispers: "But I'm not buying you milk."

Kageyama huffs and pushes him away, "Do whatever you want with your money, idiot." He turns away, seemingly going to the doors, and even with his grown out hair, Shoyo can see the red that colors his ears.

When he hands Kageyama the bag with the magazine in it and a six pack of those milk cartons he likes, he just laughs. Kageyama doesn't say anything either, just blinks as he peers inside the bag and scowls—Shoyo can read right through him; confusion and appreciation.

He turns the knob of the shower, watching the water fall down from the showerhead and patter onto the floor.

The dim lighting of only the lamp illuminates half of Kageyama's face with a warm, orange tone. The black out curtains Kageyama likes keeps the Tokyo lights away, but the soft sounds of the city night-life is still ever present.

"Shoyo…" he murmurs, his lips barely move with the syllables and he says it like it's natural—like he's always said Shoyo and not Hinata.

Shoyo feels his hair tickle at the back of his neck, gravity weighing it down, he should get a hair cut again but he doesn't pay it much mind, instead he focuses on the man under him.

His gaze stuck astray from Shoyo's face. His hair is messy and halos around his head against the pillow. Kageyama's hands squeeze at his forearms, it's dizzying to see that his fingers don't touch—Shoyo doesn't feel small anymore, even if he's still shorter than Kageyama, he feels on the same level as him strength wise. He watches as Kageyama's gaze goes down to his hands on Shoyo's forearms and he hears a soft gasp. He almost teases—almost—if he didn't feel weak in his knees from that gasp. Kageyama lifts his eyes to Shoyo's, his blue eyes seem filled with desperation, glassy and tear-brimmed.

"I know," Shoyo pants, he's not sure what he knows, he can't really think straight with Kageyama under him. "I'll take care of you, Tobio."

He watches as Kageyama's eyes flutter and he nods. "Okay," he whispers, his eyes shut fully as his hands travel to Shoyo's face and pull him closer, and closer, and closer until he's right there pressing his face—

Shoyo shoots up from his bed. His whole body is covered in sweat and the room is hotter than usual. He blinks his bleary eyes awake and glances around his room, the dark and dim light of a Tokyo bedroom is gone, now it's the bright light of early morning.

What the fuck.

His body feels like it's on fire, adrenaline rushing as he reels himself back from his imagination. It feels wrong to dream of Kageyama like that, but for some reason, he can't help but wonder: Why did the dream have to end there?

---

October 13, 2017
Tobio,
The cat let me pet him! I didn't even expect it! I was putting down some food and he rubbed against my leg and dropped his body down onto my foot. He was so soft, I should've taken a photo of him! He was so cute! He reminds me of you so much.
I saw you had seen my story, the one I reposted from a girl who took pictures of me playing. I'm not sure if you cared, you didn't like it or anything. Did you look at me? Or did you just press by really quick?
I'll show you a picture of the cat when I take one of him!
Shoyo

November, 2017

Shoyo rushes to the beach. He's grateful he woke up at a good time, he had forgotten to put on his alarm and he would've felt bad to keep Heitor waiting. The white sand is warm against his feet, and he greets Heitor with a too-loud voice.

"Shoyo! Hey, wanna just sit for a little— I just ate a few minutes ago and if I already start jumping around then…" Heitor trails off, scrunching up his nose.

Shoyo laughs, "I get it! I ran here right after eating so we should definitely wait!"

Heitor chuckles as he sits down at a spot with a towel already there, as Shoyo settles down beside him, Heitor speaks up.

"Shoyo, do you wanna find someone here?"

Shoyo turns his head to him and tilts, "Huh? What do you mean?"

"Like— A lover. Do you want to find someone here or are you planning on waiting for Brazil again?" Heitor leans back and looks up at the sky.

"Hmm." He hasn't thought about what would happen if he met someone here. He's not sure he would be able to commit. He's already planning to leave in a couple months, he couldn't let himself hurt someone like that by leaving. He voices this to Heitor, who sits there for a couple seconds with thinned lips.

"But," he pauses, "But haven't you already hurt people back in Japan by coming here? —Actually, I think it's different. You already planned to go back, but here, you haven't planned on even coming back, falou? (right?) "

Shoyo pauses, for some reason, some self-counscious reason, he hadn't assumed people could've cared if he left. With some messed up part of his brain, he assumed Natsu and Mom cried only because that was the appropiate reaction. With the same, messed up part, he had left without thinking of Kageyama. Did Kageyama care? When he told Kageyama that he was planning on going to Brazil to train after highschool, the same day the five of them discussed the roles for their final year, Kageyama had answered simply: "Do whatever you think will make you up to par with me. I'll still come out the winner."

Even if he didn't care back then, did he care when Shoyo officially left? Natsu hadn't cared much until she was saying goodbye to him at the airport.

Would Kageyama have wanted to send him off? To see his face for the last time in two years? Shoyo regrets not giving him the date to his send off—he should've seen if Kageyama would've shown up. Even if he didn't, he'd still leave knowing that he gave him the chance to say goodbye.

"Do you have someone at Japan waiting for you?"

Shoyo nods slowly, "I think so,"

December, 2017

Heitor had invited Shoyo to a New Year's party—he almost went, it would've been fun to go. But he felt as if—he simply couldn't. Like there was an obligation to stay at home for the countdown, a pit in his stomach when he considered just going to the party. It's shitty to send New Year's on his own, to watch the countdown in his room while Pedro is off at Theo's house probably cuddling or something dumb.

Shoyo blinks at his list— He could get a start on this. There's still a couple hours until the night and he doesn't want to stay in the whole day.

The neighboring book store is bigger than he thought. He only saw the entrance as he rushed to the beach or set down cat food infront of their house, never took the time to go inside. Shit. He really should've explored Brazil more, not only the popular places, but the places that are in reach that won't be when he goes back home.

The air conditioning is a relief from the hot summer air. He sighs as he walks through the store and yells out a "Tchau! (Bye!) " when he leaves.

As he's walking back, he glances inside his bag and feels his face flush when he notices the magazine with Kageyama's face on the cover.

He impulsively bought the magazine, he had seen the familiar face and grabbed it, it was a copy imported from Japan or something that sounded fancy. Grabbing it felt similar to grabbing Kageyama’s attention. When Kageyama would glance over at him, grin, and immediately set the ball to him. It's light in comparison to the other books his bought (the types of books for self care, novels to further improve his reading in portuguese), but it’s the only one that really makes him think; the only one that he wants to open and trace his finger on every picture of Kageyama.

Shoyo hadn't really paid attention to what the magazine could be about—usually the person on the magazine has something big happening. The last volleyball magazine he saw from Japan had Romero on it because he had joined the Adlers.

He only opens it when he sits down on the floor. Kageyama's face on the cover is stiff, he stares directly into the camera as he palms the volleyball. "Kageyama Tobio Takes #1 Spot of Best Server in Japan" it spells out in Japanese characters, and under it "Atsumu Miya Drops Down to 2nd Place"

He stares at the cover, the way Kageyama's bangs aren't choppy anymore. Back in their second year, on a random day, he had chopped them himself. Shoyo remembers how he teased him relentessly, but really, he liked it. He was able to see more of Kageyama's face, hair didn't cover parts of his face anymore. The middle part he has now is cute.

He shoves the magazine away, watches it slide across the hard wood floor.

The countdown is nothing special, he only watches the numbers and listens to the fireworks outside as it becomes 2018.

Something in him is expecting to be flooded with texts from people in Japan wishing him a Happy New Year, since no one sent him any messages yesterday, but with the minutes that pass, no new messages are sent to him.

He blinks and sighs, he should go to bed.

February, 2018

His nerves are on fire. Events like this always do that.

He watches as Heitor blinks his tears away as Nice walks down the isle, and he watches as her bottom lip quivers with ever step closer. The distance between them minimizes and Shoyo feels some sort of stupid spite. It's so irrational and disrespectful that he pushes it aside quick and makes himself focus onto the vows.

Heitor takes Nice's hands in his and speaks: "I'm a selfish man, Nice, and I think you know this more than anyone here, I'm not motivated in anything but you. I only want you, my only motivation and wanting is you. Even when I'm playing on the sand, I'm only thinking about winning so I can come home to you with good. Nice, my whole life changed when you first stepped into it in high school, when I first saw you in math class and when you first spoke to me. I loved seeing you grow, and I want to continue growing. So allow me to be selfish again and again."

Shoyo remembers his mom telling him that love is selfless, that you give a lot in a relationship, but she never spoke about the parts you take. He personally thinks love is both selfless and selfish at the same time—a good balance of both, like volleyball: a good balance of playing and work with self care. Kageyama was always the best at it, he'd practice hard, really hard, focusing on everything, then he'd eat good food, get good rest, and decompress with his journal. Now, while Shoyo doesn't have a journal, he's tried really hard to get onto Kageyama's level.

He's let his selfishness take over the part of himself that would just give—like the time in second year he practiced for so long with the new first years just so they could practice their receives (and with the small, selfish part of him, he wanted to spike better), their first year setter had been too occupied with setting to him that he didn't read Shoyo well. Kageyama would've been able to tell when Shoyo's arm began getting sore, and when his jumps began landing wrong. The next day of practice, he'd been told to rest instead of playing. "Why did you overwork yourself, dumbass. We're supposed to practice together."

Kageyama's facial expression was impossible to forget. Behind the scowl and furrowed brows, he could read the concern. It was one of the first, and one of the only, times that he's ever seen Kageyama worried for him. Usually he was mad and annoyed at Shoyo (and Shoyo couldn't really blame him, he loved provoking him) so seeing him care felt good for a second, and then he realized that he made Kageyama worry for him and he swore to himself to never overwork himself so Kageyama wouldn't be concerned for him.

It was selfish—to make a deal with himself for the sole reason to keep Kageyama calm. Even if it sounded selfless, he wanted to keep the version of Kageyama that was uncaring.

If his motivation to go forward changed, then he would change too and he couldn't go forward. Kageyama's always been his reason to get better, hasn't he? Since middle school, becoming the better one has always plagued his mind.

Even when he gets drunk at the celebration part, even when tears stream down his face as he watched Heitor and Nice dance together, even when his momentarily loses his shoe in the bathroom, he can't stop thinking about Kageyama.

What if Kageyama was here? As his plus one? What if he was on Shoyo's side, snoring like the sleepy drunk Mako-chan claims he is? (It's incredibly hard to imagine, he's never seen Kageyama drunk, he's never seen him unbashedly sleep; he's like a cat, he turns and curls away when he sleeps.) What if Kageyama was here, and they could dance to the music without care of how they look. If Shoyo could look into Kageyama's eyes and kiss him with alcohol on their breaths and label it something simple and something both of them would want.

March, 2018

He has a terrible headache and his stomach hurts. He feels like he hasn't gotten good sleep even if he slept the majority of the plane ride and the airport food sits weird in his gut, but he pushes all of that aside as he spots the familiar faces of his friends.

"Shoyo!" Yamaguchi exclaims, waving his hands wide as if the sign Yachi holds saying "HINATA!!! WELCOME BACK!!!" isn't obvious enough.

Shoyo rushes to them, his lips already hurt from smiling. "Tsukishima! Yamaguchi! Yachi! I didn't expect you guys here! How'd you know my gate?"

"We messaged your friend, Heitor!" Yachi exclaims, which makes Shoyo hesitate before laughing.

"That's a bit stalkerish, isn't it?"

Yachi doesn't answer and instead pushes the sign aside and hugs him, she's already sniffling. "How was Brazil? I was sooo worried for you, Hinata! It's across the whole freaking world!"

Yamaguchi laughs wetly, wiping at his glassy eyes. "You should've seen her! She bawled like a baby when you left!"

Shoyo barely realizes there's droplets running down his face until he wipes at his face. "I almost did too," he admits quietly, thankfully none of them notice as Yachi's sobbing is louder than him. He watches as Tsukishima hesitantly hands her tissues out of his bag, and it really dawns on him that he's missed out on watching his friends grow, Yachi wipes at her face insistently.

"Dang it! I told myself I wasn't going to cry!" she curses, laughing softly as Shoyo does.

"Hey, Hinata." Tsukishima speaks up, "What are you planning on doing?"

Shoyo cries when he comes home and sees how tall Natsu has gotten, and he sobs when she shows him pictures of her tournaments and hangouts with her friends. He doesn't stop crying in the first hour, holding onto his mom and soaking her shirt with tears. When he snaps out of it, he almost starts again when he sees Natsu helping mom prep for dinner (she's finally old enough to help, or did she have to start helping when I left?)

When he sits in his empty room and searches up teams, he sees Kageyama's profile on the Adlers. He hasn't seen Kageyama in person, not in years. At this point, it felt like he was forgetting his voice. He only remembers it from videos in his phone (and even then, he knows it sounds different from the real thing.)

Why wasn't Kageyama there to greet him? He knows that it may be in an inconvient spot, but Yachi came from Tokyo, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi from Sendai. Why couldn't Kageyama have come? Did he simply not care enough for Shoyo to come? There's no big major games happening right now, at least, not to his knowledge. Surely Tsukishima would be there, then. What is it?

He almost digs himself into a hole of overthinking, but as he scrolls onto MSBY's page,and grins at his screen.

---

April 3, 2018
Tobio,I'm back. Why weren't you there?

July 17, 2018
Querido (Dear) , Tobio,
I feel like I'm overflowing with emotion. Something about being here makes me feel like a child, I'm not sure why, I didn't spend significant years in Brazil, but there's a special sense of nostalgia here. Like the Brazilian word "saudade" in a way. I searched it up so I could understand it better, "a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia" or "grief that knows it will never fully resolve", it's a hard word. I know the way I lived before I left is permanently gone, rather, it's changed. The sidewalks I walked, the routine I had, the clothes I wore, it's all changed. I'm changed. Everything I did before will never come back to me, even if I walked the same paths, set alarms, bought matching clothes, it will be different.
I've learned so many new things, it's so far from the Shoyo you met. I know more languages than just Japanese, I am more than the scrawny, short kid, I've spoken to people with more insight—I know there's people with more insight than me now.
I will continue to learn; and that's the only constant.
I celebrated my birthday last month with my team, and I began bawling. I'm not an emotional drunk, I'm sure of that! But it dawned on me that it was my first time getting drunk in Japan, and I couldn't help thinking that I wanted you to be there too. It was so selfish of me, surrounded by a team who loves me but I only wanted you there.
Shoyo

September 27, 2018
Querido (Dear) , Tobio,
I love you.
Você me completa (You make me feel complete)
I've never said it before, I hadn't thought to say it, but now that I think about it, I should. Who knows when I'll be able to say it next, we haven't talked in a bit. Tsukishima said you seemed off lately, so, take care of yourself.
Shoyo

October, 2018

"What's that, Shoyo?" Bokuto chirps from behind him.

Shoyo shuts his notebook and turns to look at Bokuto. "Are we going now?"

"Yeah! What are you writing about?"

Shoyo just shakes his head, "Nothing important. Where's Atsumu-san?"

Bokuto glances back and shrugs. "Dunno, he was right behind me. Hey! This time Sakusa's coming with us! I can't wait to see how he is when he's drunk!"

"We're just goin' out for dinner." Atsumu sighs as he somehow appears beside Bokuto.

"Hey, Tsum-Tsum!"

Atsumu glances down at the notebook Shoyo's stuffing into his bag. "What's that? A diary?"

Shoyo glances away from Atsumu's gaze, and it lands onto Sakusa who's also staring at his bag.

"Where are we eating at?"

Bokuto hums loudly. "It's popular! I heard their Sake is cheaper than some other places too!"

"Stop tryin' get off topic! What the fuck could be in that journal? You've gotta let us see, Shoyo-kun!" Atsumu exclaims, squatting down infront of Shoyo.

"Yeah! I'm curious!"

Shoyo huffs. "I'll pay the bill just—"

Atsumy groans loudly, "Ya know I can't let ya do that! I guess I'll let you off!"

"For once you have some humanity."

"Shut up, Omi-kun!"

Shoyo zips up his bag and stands up. "Let's go! I'm ready!"

The cold October air makes the hairs on his body stand up. It's so differing from Brazil, at this time of year, it would be hot and sunny. "So, Sho-kun, you've got secrets you can't tell?"

Shoyo glances at him and smiles. "Sure! We all do! I mean— Bokuto told me about you and Sakusa fu—"

"Okay! Okay!" Atsumu shushes Shoyo quickly, anxiously glances at Bokuto and Sakusa walking ahead of them. "I won't ask just— don't bring that up around him. He's still pissed that Bokuto knows."

Shoyo just laughs and rushes forward to listen to the two's conversation. At least Atsumu's making steps forward and not writing crappy love poems and letters that will never leave his journal.

November, 2018

Since finally meeting Kageyama at the beginning of the game (and infront of the bathroom), he's been overflowing with adrenaline. It felt exhilerating to finally see him. He feels restless all over, even after the intense five sets, his body overcome with tremors.

And even if he didn't get the final point, it felt so good to decoy his opponents (he is trying to be the greatest decoy, after all. (And it's impossible to think of the title without remembering little 15 year old Kageyama saying it)) —But furthermore, he feels so giddy after talking to Kageyama, like a teenager. It felt so good to know that Kageyama still remembers their scores from high school. He's not even completely sure what he said to Kageyama, only thinking about the fact that Kageyama was infront of him again.

"How'd you enjoy your debut on the starting roster, Hinata?" Bokuto exclaims, wrapping an arm around him, the droplets of water on the tips of his hair from the shower drip onto Shoyo's bare back.

"It was fun! I'm so happy that we won! Your final point was so cool, Bokuto-san!" Shoyo praises, watching Bokuto perk up and smile widely.

"Thanks!" he practically yells, "But if it wasn't for your decoy, I wouldn't have been able to make the point! So that last point was ours!"

Atsumu grins and joins on Bokuto's side. "It was the point of us three!"

Bokuto glances at him and thins his lips. "I don't know about that, Tsum-Tsum."

"The points my spikers make are mine!" Atsumu declares, "Hey! Are any of ya coming to drink tonight? I tried to convince Omi-Omi, but y'know how he is 'I'd rather kill myself than go drinking with this team'."

"Sorry, I'm meeting up with Keiji after this, he's staying at my hotel room for the night."

Atsumu blinks. "Wait, in our room— where is he going? Yer not kicking me out, right?"

Bokuto furrows his eyebrows. "I told you this—I told you to find a new room. I think Omi has an extra bed or something? He said you could stay with him." Shoyo attempts to ignore Atsumu's red face, but it's so vibrant it's hard to not look at it,

"I'm going to bed early, Atsumu! So I can't go drinking today." Shoyo interrupts as he zips up his jacket to the top and stays as Atsumu hums in acknowledgement before going back to sputtering to Bokuto. They can deal with that, Shoyo will enjoy his stay at his mom's place.

When he walks out, into the quiet hallways, he spots Hoshiumi and some other of the Adlers talking, but Kageyama's familiar head of hair is gone. When he sits down in the back of an uber, he thinks about that hair, about running his hand through it and watching it become more dishevelled than what it had looked like post-game.

"Dumbass! Stop staring at me so much!" Kageyama exclaims, scowling at him.

Shoyo just laughs and moves his hand so he can push Kageyama's bangs up. Like this is he see his face better.

"Kageyama! You should cut your bangs! This looks better! I can see more of your face and you don't look as scary and mean and pissy!"

His eyebrows furrow, "I don't look scary, mean, or pissy! And— Get off my hair! Why would I listen to you?!"

Shoyo's laughter becomes stronger as Kageyama shoves him. He almost points out how red Kageyama's ears and neck are getting, but Daichi's yelling at Nishinoya and Tanaka distract him.

"Uhm— Excuse me? Sir? Wake up…?"

Shoyo shoots up from his sleep and glances at the driver. "Ah! Sorry, sorry! Thank you!" he spews out as he grabs all of his stuff and scuffles out the car.

November 17, 2018
Tobio-kun,
I don't think I've referred to you with "-kun" in so long, I never thought of it really, and when I would talk about you to a stranger in Japanese, I'd always say "san" or "senshu", Tobio-kun is a cute sounding name, isn't it? Or does it sound to close to what Atsumu would call you?
Anyway! It was so fun to play you, I wish that was what I told you. It was so fun to look across the court and see you grin, you looked so happy playing, you have no idea how that made me feel. And god, when did you get so hot, Tobio?
Shoyo-senshu!!!

November, 2018

It's a little strange to see Kageyama not in athletic clothing.

Back in high school, he had never seen Kageyama in normal, casual clothes, even those small times where they'd go out as a team for lunch or something for "team bonding", he'd always come from a run or something. If he did come with casual clothes, Shoyo just didn't realize (he was an oblivious idiot back then, but surely he'd notice, right?)

It's also a little strange to see Kageyama drunk.

Shoyo hadn't been there when Kageyama turned twenty, honestly, he's not sure if Kageyama drank on his 20th, he doesn't seem the type to. But right now, his face is a faint pink hue, which is unfamiliar to Shoyo, whenever he'd become flustered, it was always only his ears and neck, never his face. But even if he looks a little stupid, it's still endearing—

"Did you kiss anyone in Brazil?" Kageyama asks bluntly.

Shoyo blinks. Kageyama's always been blunt, but he's never been blunt enough to ask questions like these. Shoyo can't really comprehend why he's asking these types of questions, it feels like questions someone who's interested in him would ask but— Kageyama's not interested in him.

Before he can contemplate on it, Kageyama huffs and makes a whiny, discontent noise, like Shoyo's neglecting him.

"No—" He answers quickly and has to clear his throat, "No actual kisses. Why? Did you?"

(He tries to rack his brain if they ever made a no kissing pact, or a challenge to have kissed someone before meeting again but he comes blank.)

Kageyama shakes his head and then settles his chin onto the wooden table. "Nope." Shoyo feels his brain go empty for a second when Kageyama looks up—He's never looked up at Shoyo, at least not that he can remember, and he looks so pretty. "Have you had your first kiss yet?"

"What is this? 21 questions?" Shoyo huffs before leaning back, "But, yeah. Back in our second year there was this girl, I forgot her name but we just dated for like a week."

Kageyama furrows his eyebrows, "I never knew this." (It seems he doesn't scowl as much now, not at normal things, only volleyball.)

"Well—I didn't tell you. You didn't seem interested."

"But, I am, I was." Kageyama huffs, averting his gaze. "Why didn't you think I was interested?"

Shoyo coughs at the wording and looks down at his nails. "At my one-week-girlfriend?" He corrects, "'Cause you never cared for girlfriends. You told Tanaka that."

"Yeah— Well— I don't care when it comes to me. I'm not really into that… It's different when…" He trails off, Shoyo glances up and blinks at the sight of Kageyama sleeping. His cheek is pressed onto the cold, wooden table, his long, wiry eyelashes graze his alcohol-flushed cheeks, and his mouth is slightly agape.

Wow, he really is a sleepy drunk.

Shoyo finds himself staring in awe. He's seen Kageyama sleep before, he had a strict sleeping schedule even in high school, but Shoyo never really looked, and Kageyama had always been turned away so he never got to see what Kageyama looked like. Right now, he looks cute, face smoothened of any tension, completely at peace. (He recalls reading a poem that had the lines "I would like to watch you, / sleeping. I would like to sleep / with you, to enter / your sleep as its smooth dark wave / slides over my head" and it makes sense now, the softness of it all, the vulnerability of sleep.)

This is the lost time he's wanted to have, isn't it? Seeing Kageyama drunk, seeing him sleep, hearing him speak, hanging out. It's everything he wanted when they were younger, to learn the new parts of Kageyama.

Kageyama's never been the type to cling onto Shoyo. It had always been the other way around. So it makes an unfamiliar fire burn through his body when Kageyama draps an arm around Shoyo's shoulders and leans towards him.

His clinginess isn't like Shoyo's in high school, instead of jumping and hugging, he's more so just constantly touching Shoyo with one part of his body. He sways a little as they walk, and the faint smell of alcohol is apparent on his breath, and sleep in the way he moves.

"Do you wanna stay over? My mom and Natsu are out of town right now, something to do with volleyball, I think?" Shoyo blurts out, he looks over at Kageyama, but his face is inconveniently turned away. When Kageyama doesn't speak in the minutes Shoyo waits, he speaks again: "Uhm, if you don't want to, that's fine. I just—I know your house is kind of far from here— Not that I mind walking you over or anything!"

"I can call my sister to come pick me up. She's visiting right now."

For some reason, it feels like Kageyama's avoiding him, like switch had just switched or something. Shoyo attempts to rack his brain on why Kageyama chnaged his opinion now and not at the restaurant, but he can't really think of anything besides He found out I like him.

"Miwa's visiting? Let's go over to that bus stop, so she can find us better."

Kageyama nods before turning his head to Shoyo. "You know her name? I told you about her?"

"Yeah!" Shoyo exclaims, sitting down at the bus stop, it hasn't been used in a long time, buses don't really run here, too empty and in a weird position. "You talked about her studying in Tokyo when we were at Nationals, you said like, 'I wonder if Miwa would be able to come' but she didn't 'cause she couldn't miss class."

Kageyama furrows his eyebrows. "I said that— You remembered that?"

"Sure! Siblings are important, right?"

Kageyama looks down at the concrete and nods slowly. "Yeah, sure."

They don't really speak while they wait. Something in the air had shifted from the walk from the restaurant. It fills Shoyo with a sense of dread that he tries to mentally shake off. He can't think of anything besides the fear that Kageyama knows about his crush.

"Bye, Hinata." Kageyama speaks up, and only then does Shoyo realize there's a rumbling of a car infront of them.

"Oh! Bye, Kageyama! Drink some water before bed!" It's said in a rush as he processes all that's happening, brain lagging behind.

Kageyama nods and as he opens the passenger door, he can hear Miwa, "Tobio! I didn't know Hinata came back, how come you didn't tell me? Considering how much you talked about him—" and then the door promptly shuts.

He can deal with this later.

(Shoyo takes these things on his own. To burden someone with this feels shitty, why make someone clean his messes. So, if his journal has two new pages filled out with every sentence being contridicting, it's his own business. If he almost calls Atsumu, that's his own business, if he almost texts Kageyama a "what did miwa mean when she said u talked abt me??? did u actually??? why do u not talk abt me anymore ???")

December, 2018

Two years is undoubtably too short of a time to become used to something.

But, not really.

The pure bitterness of winter serves as a shock to him. It shouldn't be, he's lived in Japan for way long than he had Brazil. When he opens his apartment window, he flinches at the cold that enters. Brazil had been hot at this time of year, he had almost associated summer with December, it had made sense; Kageyama favored summer because the training camps helped him improve a lot, while December was Nationals and they could never reach that number one spot.

So, two years isn't really a long time to get used to something.

He had gotten used to the absence of Kageyama, and how there was a permanent hole in his chest, that he had assumed only time could fill (and, okay, thinking of the topic of the absence had made this hole swell into a bigger thing, it hadn't clicked then, again, he's an idiot.)

Osaka's not all that different, to Sendai it is, but to Tokyo not really. It's familiar, the cold of a big city and the feeling of wanting to win.

The hole in his chest swells and he decides to go inside of a ramen shop, it's not a part of his meal plan, but what's a singular bowl of ramen going to do?

Kageyamaa (10:09) did u only want me for *what did u want me fir ?

(Shoyo can be dramatic on purpose, but he's gotten PR Trained, he knows that he needs to dial it down and that doing unnecessary things in public may ruin his image but—)

He spits out the water he had been sipping on and begins coughing and a woman beside him begins patting his back harshly.

The bullet train to Tokyo was still long, he had expected it, he knows it's far, but he also didn't expect to spend his free day like this.

When Kageyama opens his apartment door, he seems ready to go on a run, wearing a tracksuit and his hair is pushed back the certain way he does when he goes to exercise.

"Hinata?"

Shoyo swallows, he hadn't planned what he was going to say when he got here, he had been so stuck on what Kageyama's text could mean. Kageyama blinks at him, for some reason, he isn't yelling at Shoyo for taking up his time that could be used for exercising.

"Hinata. Are you going to say something or just stand there like an idiot?"

"I thought of you everyday in Brazil!"

Kageyama's eyebrows pinch together, and his head slowly tilts to the side. "What? What are you talking about? Is— Is this about the text? Ignore it, it was nothing. I don't do casual hook-ups."

Shoyo chokes. "What?" He feels himself falter under Kageyama's intense gaze. "No one said that. —I didn't mean it like that…? I meant like— I love you."

"You— what? Are you playing a prank?—"

"Oi, Kageyama!"

"—I'm not sure what Hoshiumi told you but it was a lie—"

"Kageyama."

"—Y'know how he is. Seriously, don't take what he says to heart, he's a chronic liar—"

"Tobio!"

Kageyama halts, face tensing. He goes to speak, but Shoyo's grabbing the front of his jacket and it seems to knock every word out of his head.

"I seriously like you, Tobio! I love you! I know it took me a really long time to realize, 'cause I know I loved you way longer than I knew but I don't want you to assume I'm lying!"

Kageyama is frozen, a wide-eye expression as Shoyo breathes heavily. (It's a little surprising that Kageyama hadn't began yelling back at him, he'd assumed that was Kageyama's reflexive reaction, but like this is nice too, Kageyama's changed, but so has Shoyo. Neither of them are the same as who they were in high school.)

"Let's go inside before Ushijima walks out and hears us." he says but it more so comes out as a whisper.

When Kageyama eventually settles down on the spot next to Shoyo after placing down cups of water for them both, he finally says something. "I thought you wanted to do a friends-with-benefits thing, sorry."

Shoyo begins laughing before Kageyama finishes his sentence. "How? Why would you think that?"

"I don't know! The other day you had invited me to your place and mentioned your mom and Natsu being out of the house. It sounded like you wanted to fuck."

"…Damn," Shoyo curses after a few seconds, "That does sound like that. Look—I didn't mean it like that, I meant in the way that like, we had sleepovers as teens and when Natsu and mom were out of the house we could like, talk as loud as we wanted. I just felt nostalgic when both of us were there."

"You like me."

Shoyo scrunches up his nose at the way, Kageyama announces it (he still has yet to know if Kageyama feels the same, his nerves are on fire.)

"You only figured out— when?"

He thins his lips. "Uhm, in Brazil. There wasn't like, a specific time, I think. It was like different puzzle pieces that had clicked together but I never actually saw them click in place, I had just realized it. I know I liked you back in high school, but I was oblivious so I never noticed!"

Kageyama blinks at him, before sighing and muttering a "Dumbass".

"Hey!" Shoyo exclaims, "You never said anything! Do you like me back or no?!"

"Of course I—!" Kageyama turns his face away, the same habit he had back in high school when he got flustered, still his red ears are on full display. "I just didn't realize you liked me. How did it take you that long?"

Shoyo sputters, "I'm an idiot! I thought you knew this! —Besides, when did you realize you liked me?"

"In the beginning of our second year, when you bought me the volleyball magazine I wanted with a complementary six-pack of milk. I realized that— that you really cared for me, more than you showed. I knew that you worked hard for your money with that summer job, so you buying that even though you know that I could afford it—it just— made me realize I liked you."

When Shoyo's silent for a couple seconds, Kageyama scowls. "Do you even remember that?"

"I do," he responds almost instantly, "I do, I remember how your face looked and everything, is that what made you realize? Me being nice?"

Kageyama pouts and tilts his head, "Not exactly. I like you no matter what, even if you liked to rile me up. It was just, I was so used to you riling me up, when I saw a new version of you, it was like everything made sense, I wanted to know and see everything of you— not in a sexual way."

Shoyo bursts out laughing at the last part. "You didn't need to say that! I knew what you meant! And you knew I liked riling you up?!"

"Shut up! And you weren't secretive about it! You always smiled in a dumb way when you were going to argue back with me or something, and you…" He trails off when Shoyo grabs at the collar of his shirt, and they're face to face. "Hinata,"

"Shoyo." He corrects.

"Shoyo," Kageyama breathes, warm against Shoyo's lips. He seems hesitant, his hands stiff where they grase Shoyo's shoulders.

Shoyo pushes first and instantly, it feels like his world has finally done it's complete spin, this is what he needed. It's not a perfect first kiss, he can tell even with his inexperience, Kageyama is tense and unmoving—so much that Shoyo pulls away quick.

"Was it too much? Should I stop?"

Kageyama's ears are a strong red, as he shakes his head. "It's fine— good— I just… Don't really know how to…"

"Was this your first kiss?!"

Kageyama yelps and barks out a "Just kiss me, dumbass!"

Shoyo feels like his heart may explode, it feels so full of love and adoration. Kageyama's so cute, especially when he's not trying to be. "Okay! Just! Try to relax into it, okay? It's awkward 'cause you're as stiff as a stick!"

The second time is better, way better, even though the first awkward one was cute, Shoyo wants to actually feel Kageyama. He's so warm and soft all over, it's intoxicating, he could get drunk on the feel of Kageyama's pouty lips.

This feels right, like this is what faith has written into the world. Perfect, like the way the water and the sand meet and intertwine together, the way they leave a small part of themselves in eachother when they leave (sand being picked up by the waves and the wet imprint left by the water.)

December 6, 2018
Caríssimo (Dearest) , Tobio,
I never knew that my teenage trait of being dramatic had stayed. When we kissed, I think I died and went to heaven. You know, it felt nice feeling superior than you in something else other than volleyball, and it was so cute having to teach you how to kiss. Tobio, do you know how cute you are? I know you know you're handsome, everyone knows that, but what about how endearing you are?
Shoyo

"I'm back, Tobio." Shoyo sings as he walks into their home, he grins to himself when he spots Tobio napping on the couch.

He's curled onto himself, a fluffy, yellow blanket sits atop of him as he sleeps. Shoyo thinks he might see a little dribble of drool on the side of his mouth, and it makes his heart swell. He drops the bags onto the coffee table (being extra careful with the framed picture of Kazuyo) and steps closer to him. His hair is short, Tobio had asked Shoyo to trim it earlier in the week, in it's current, messed up manner, Shoyo can see the slight choppiness to it (but when has Tobio cared about how his hair looked?)

Tobio's skin is soft against the pads of his fingers that rub soft circles on his face. He stirs in his sleep, making incoherent noises as he blinks his eyes open. "Welcome back." he murmurs.

Shoyo smiles as he bends down to press a quick peck on Tobio's cheek. "I bought a cake, since it's your birthday tomorrow and I won't be here in the morning to celebrate it."

Tobio perks up, sitting up and glancing at the grocery bags. "Really? Should we have it now? Before lunch?" His sweet tooth is insatiable.

"Do you want to have it before lunch? It's for your birthday, you call the shots."

Tobio squints as he thinks, before nodding. "Yeah, you have to catch your train soon anyway, so I want to at least have some cake together before you go."

Shoyo frowns, "I wish you could've come stay with me, mom, and Natsu."

"Yeah, but I wanna visit Miwa a little, who knows, maybe I'll be able to come, though. You're staying there for a week."

Shoyo tilts his head, "You're thinking of coming? I know I want you there but—You don't have to come if you still want to spend Christmas with Miwa."

Tobio shrugs as he gets up, sliding on his slippers, "Miwa won't be able to host me for a whole week, she's busy and besides, I have to drop off some flowers for grandpa for Christmas, you should come meet him."

"Really? You're gonna come too?! —Wait— I can come too?! Seriously?!"

Tobio nods softly. "If you want." He places his head on Shoyo's shoulder, rubbing his face against the side of his face like a cat.

"Of course I want to! Let's go eat the cake!"

January, 2019

"You have a volleyball journal now? Even though you told me it was stupid?" Tobio questions from the other side of the hotel room. Shoyo's head snaps up from pulling his shorts on to where Tobio is standing.

Kageyama almost opens it wrong, like it were a journal Shoyo bought in Japan, but glances at the front and sees the obvious front cover and opens it correctly. If it were his volleyball journal, it would open like a normal Japanese journal, but this one opens like the ones he bought in Brazil—

"Wait— That's not my volleyball journal." Shoyo speaks up but his voice trails off as he watches Kageyama's ears begin turning red.

"Is— Is this a love poem? In English?" he asks, turning his head towards Shoyo. "Who's this for?"

Shoyo tilts his head. "What do you mean who is it for? Isn't it obvious?"

Kageyama flips to the next page and quickly shuts it. "What the hell, Shoyo? Why are you writing letters to me in here— is this from Brazil?" He settles it down on the bed softly.

Shoyo shrugs, "Didn't I say I thought about you everyday in Brazil?"

Kageyama blinks and pouts his bottom lip. "Yeah, but, you really thought of me everyday? Even when you didn't even know you loved me?"

"Hey! Don't say it like your undeserving of it! I got homesick. Of course I thought of you! I missed you!"

"So you wrote me unsent letters?"

Shoyo laughs, "Well, not necessarily. You can read them now!"

"When did you even start journaling, dumbass." He switches the topic, his face spelling out his embarassment of being the product of Shoyo's direct attention.

"I just decided I should! The day before I left to go to Brazil, I bought a journal so I could start a volleyball journal and then I had fun journaling in general so I continued it." Shoyo rambles as he walks up behind Kageyama. "You should read my Tobio-Journal!"