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1. Juhoon is sick.
Martin knows he has a big heart. Too big for his own good. He’s an optimist— or at least that’s how he tries to save himself when things disappoint him. And that big heart definitely beats for none other than his best friend.
Juhoon.
Yeah, you can’t fall in love with your best friend… bla bla bla… it’s going to ruin the bond… bla bla bla. Martin knows. It’s killing him every day trying to keep it together when Juhoon is literally there. Breathtaking. Beautiful. Perfect.
Whatever Juhoon does, it always makes his heart beat faster than all the beats he made in his entire life combined.
He can’t keep his composure. He’s not himself but a lovesick dog that Juhoon has on a leash.
And what does a dog do when their owner is sick? They panic.
“Jju, I swear. You’re not going to get better with all that medicine you’ve been taking. You need rest. Like a normal person.”
It’s been an hour and he still hasn’t convinced Juhoon to lay down. What a stubborn guy.
“And I told you, my plates aren’t going to finish themselves.” Juhoon countered.
“Just lay down for like, four hours. Tops. I promise, you’ll feel better. I hate it when you get sick, Jju.”
Juhoon stops. Looked at his plates and then at Martin. Then back again. And again.
“You hate it when i'm what?” he tried to clarify. Even for someone who’s sick, Juhoon’s mind is still sharp as a tack. Damn, Martin hates that sexy brain of his.
“When you’re sick.” he muttered slowly.
“And why is that?” The shorter one asked.
Without thinking about it, Martin replied.
“Because I love y—” and then the words died in his throat. Frozen. Eyes wide. For one horrifying second, he could actually see his future unfolding in front of him. One without Juhoon.
This is the thing about Martin that people might find bizarre.
To him, Loving Juhoon is second nature. It comes naturally. No need for fancy words or grand gestures, he loves him as much as he needs breathing. That probably explains why saying the forbidden word just rolls off easily through his tongue.
“I mean, I love when you’re healthy.” he tries to save himself.
Juhoon giggled. He looks mischievous? cute? kinda worrying? Martin doesn't know.
“For someone who literally comes home at 3 AM in the morning, you sure are health-conscious.”
Only for you. Idiot.
“I’m trying to fix that problem, you know. It’s just that when i’m—” Juhoon cuts him off.
“When you’re too locked in with your friends at the studio you forget the time.” He finishes it for him.
“Yes. I remember that part, Martin. You say that every time I catch you climbing up your way to our dorm.” He snickered.
“Just get to bed, Jju. I swear i’m going to spill coffee all over your project.” he threatens.
“I can’t believe you’re blackmailing me into taking a rest.”
“Is it working?” the taller asks.
“I’m afraid so. Wake me up in four hours or i’ll cut all the strings on your guitar.” Juhoon threatens back.
“Good night, Jju.”
Juhoon only hummed in response.
Juhoon had already started walking toward his room. He didn't look back.
Martin watched him disappear behind the door.
I love you.
2. Juhoon got stood up by a date
Martin was sleeping when he heard his phone ring. One ring. Two. Three. Who the hell calls at 11 PM in the evening?
With the eyesight of a bat, and a mind of a 20-year-old guy who’s apparently needed at the peak of R.E.M, he answers the call.
“Hello?” he asked, voice groggy.
“Hey…” It was Juhoon. It’s like a button has been pushed in the deep parts of his brain because he sits up from his bed. Faster than he has ever done in his entire life.
“Jju? What happened?” The end of the call was silent. He wasn’t met with words, just sniffling.
“Hey? Hey, Jju? What happened? Are you crying? I’m gonna—”
Juhoon suddenly spoke.
“He stood me up.” His voice was shaky. He was probably crying. Just thinking about Juhoon crying is already kicking Martin in the nuts. What more if it was because of some punk?
“Who stood you up?” Martin tried to probe. “I thought you were meeting some friends?”
“Yeah, well, I lied. I just didn’t want to tell you about this date because I know you would hate the guy.” Juhoon said.
“Can you.. can you go here? I’m at the diner. I don’t think I can—” before Juhoon could even ask, Martin was already putting on his shoes.
“Yeah, I'll go. Wait for me, alright?”
“Mmh..”
Martin saw Juhoon sitting at a curb with ice cream in his hands. Classic Juhoon.
Before he could even get closer, Juhoon already spotted him. He waves his ice cream over, showing Martin.
“So… what happened?" he asked.
“I don’t know, Martin. I don’t even like the guy, I can’t understand why I'm affected by getting stood up by him.” Juhoon trailed off.
“Then why’d you even say yes?”
Juhoon rested his head on Martin’s shoulder, pushing a spoonful of ice cream in Martin’s mouth.
“Because I thought I could finally shake this off.” The former replied.
“Shake what off?” smoke is probably coming out of Martin’s ears because he doesn’t understand. He’s furious, and he doesn’t have a clue as to why Juhoon agreed to go on a date.
His best friend who prioritized nothing but his academic performance. The same guy who said he’s not interested in having a romantic partner.
The silence broke.
“The insecurities.”
Martin frowned. Something is not adding up.
“What insecurities?”
Juhoon scooped another spoonful of ice cream, though it was obvious he wasn't eating because he wanted to.
He was eating because he needed something to do with his hands. Something to focus on other than whatever was making his voice shake.
“The ones i’ve always had.” Juhoon knows it’s not a proper answer, but the way he said it was already enough for Martin to put the pieces together.
“Jju…” Martin was still trying to wrap his head around the thought of Juhoon not feeling enough. He can’t form words. No. He wanted to punch a nearby wall.
Juhoon sighed.
“When he asked me out…” Juhoon continued quietly. “I thought maybe if someone liked me enough to ask, then maybe I wasn't as difficult to love as I thought.”
“Because all they ever see is the guy who’s dependable. The smart guy. No one ever truly sees me as I am…”
Martin’s heart ached. That wasn’t true because he’s there.
He doesn’t see Juhoon like that.
All he sees is the guy who eats ice cream when he’s sad.
The guy who paints his nails depending on his mood.
The same kid he grew up with.
The one who cries at cheesy movies with boring plotlines while he holds his stuffed bear close.
That’s not the guy from university. It’s Juhoon. Martin knew all of Juhoon.
Juhoon’s words hit harder than they should have.
Juhoon? Difficult to love?
Juhoon? Impossible.
Martin wanted to grab him by the shoulders. He wanted to shake him. Wanted to ask if he'd lost his damn mind.
Instead, he swallowed.
“Now all that’s left is the ugly feeling of being stood up. I feel stupid”
Juhoon's laugh came out broken.
“You are stupid.” Martin mumbled.
Juhoon looked at him.
“For thinking that.” Martin's voice came out sharper than intended.
"You really think one loser not showing up means you're difficult to love?"
I love you.
"Martin—"
"No. I'm serious."
The words kept coming. Fast. Too fast. He’s not leaving a space for his mind to think.
"You pretend you don't care, but you care about literally everything."
Juhoon blinked.
Martin couldn't stop.
"You're smart." I love you.
"You're funny." I love you.
"You're annoying.” I love you.
“And I love y—” Martin stopped. He came back to his senses. He can’t do this now, not while Juhoon is emotional.
Insted he says, “I love that part of you.” Steady. Safe.
The silence that followed felt strange. Heavy.
Juhoon stared at him. Not speaking. Just staring.
Finally, Juhoon smiled.
“You’re biased.” He laughed.
Of course that was his takeaway.
"Yeah."
"Very biased."
"Extremely."
Juhoon hummed.
Then he rested his head more comfortably against Martin's shoulder. For the first time that night, he looked relaxed.
"I still feel awful."
"I know."
"I kinda want to cry again."
"Then do.”
“Will you make me ramen at the dorms?” he asked, looking up.
“Sure. Just don’t make me finish it when you’re full already.”
“Hey! not fair!” Juhoon argued.
They both laughed. The kind that lingers outside. The one that sits heavy in Martin's heart.
“Wanna go home?” Martin asked.
“Yeah…”
I love you, Jju.
3. When he made a song about Juhoon
You’d think making a love song for your best friend, and sneaking in the L word could get through. Luckily for Martin, it kinda works.
They’re lying in Martin’s bed while he plays his guitar. Juhoon’s head resting in Martin’s lap while the taller guy rests his head on the headboard.
Juhoon was reading a book but he’s humming along.
Then a thought came to his mind.
“Hey, I realize you never really let me listen to the songs you write.” he looked up at Martin. “Why is that?”
“I just never really thought about it, I guess…” Martin replied.
Wrong.
He’s thought about it countless times. When he sleeps, when he’s at the studio, when he’s writing…
He thinks about it all the time. He thinks about how Juhoon will react to every strum, to his every word.
“Well then, play one for me right now.” Juhoon says excitedly, sitting up from his position.
He looked at Martin expectantly.
Martin is hesitant. Yeah he has countless songs he could play for Juhoon but there’s this one song that’s made for Juhoon and Juhoon only. The one he wrote at the ripe age of fifteen.
He cleared his throat. Maybe it won’t hurt to play it for him… after all, he won’t know it’s for him.
“Okay, listen..”
And then he strummed his guitar.
He poured his heart out, ripping his soul open for Juhoon to linger as he sang.
“My love only amounts to this
But my feelings will never change, for you baby”
Strum. While his fingers strum the guitar, his heart was thrumming even faster.
“Even if my love only amounts to this
I'll be your umbrella in the rain
I'll protect you on all your days”
Before he knew it, the song ended.
He looked at Juhoon, waiting for something. Anything.
Meanwhile Juhoon…
Juhoon was astonished. He can’t breathe. Doesn’t know how to.
He’s sitting there, wide-eyed.
“You wrote that?” he asked. Still can’t comprehend how Martin could write something like that.
“Yeah… The boys polished it though, so it's kinda like a team effort.”
Nope. That’s all him. He just doesn’t want to take all the credit, afraid that Juhoon might piece things together.
“Woah… you guys really do cool stuff like that, huh?” he said.
He looked at Martin before asking,
“Can I come to your studio one of these days?” he asked.
“Yeah…? But why? You’ve never taken any interest in whatever I do with music, though.” Martin replied back.
“Hey! What do you mean I don’t have any interest? Do you remember who bought your first guitar? Me!” Juhoon pointed at himself.
And oh… yeah, he suddenly remembered.
Martin smiled at the memory. It was his 13th birthday, and he has been talking nonstop about how he wants the world to know his name.
Juhoon didn’t understand it at the time, but he knew enough not to question Martin. With a boy who shines with bright passion like that? Juhoon doesn’t want to dim his lights.
So when Martin’s 13th birthday came, he came over with a guitar in his hands. One he’d manage to haggle from a surplus shop.
Martin was so happy with the guitar, he kissed Juhoon’s cheek. He doesn’t know if the shorter boy still remembers that part of the memory, but in Martin’s mind? that moment will never be forgotten. It’s engraved in his heart.
“Okay, you can come to the studio. Just don’t break our things.” he joked.
“You’re clumsier than I am.” Juhoon retorted.
After their playful banter, a comforting silence took over the room.
“You know…” Juhoon continued, “It must be fun to have a song written for you, huh?”
“It just feels… soft. Because there’s a whole song out there for you. Made for you. Made with the thought of you.”
Juhoon giggled.
“I hope I find someone who’ll do that for me..” he said mindlessly.
You have me, Juhoon. I love you.
Of course Martin can’t say that, so he settled with a hum.
Martin looked down at the guitar in his hands. The one Juhoon bought.
The one he'd used to write dozens of songs about him.
The one he'd just used to sing one.
"Yeah," Martin said softly.
"I hope you do too.”
The lie tasted bitter, and it bit harder than he wanted them to.
4. When his friends set Martin up on a date
It’s been months since his friends have decided that enough is enough. No more pining. Either Martin gathers the courage to confess, or they set him up with someone.
Martin doesn’t want to confess, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to be set up to a random stranger. He likes how things are.
He’s hopelessly in love with Juhoon, still, but he’s happy and thriving. That’s enough for him.
For his friends though? Nope. This clownery has got to stop.
So they tried to talk to Juhoon, asking if he could try to convince Martin to go on a blind date.
“C’mon, Martin. It’s just one date. I’ve heard from your friends that the girl is really pretty too.” Juhoon tried to convince.
Martin was in his room, trying to complete his unfinished task when Juhoon came knocking. Apparently, he said yes to his friends, he would help them.
“No, Jju. If I wanted to go on a date, I would’ve set it up myself.” he reasoned.
“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that? you’ve been single your whole life, don’t you wanna go out there a little more?”
Martin scoffed as he looked at Juhoon.
“Says the guy who hasn’t even touched a girl or a boy his whole life. We’re the same here.”
That made Juhoon laugh because, well, he agrees.
“Okay, okay, I quit. I’m not going to help your friends anymore. Please tell them I tried, though.”
Martin snorted.
"Trust me, they already know."
Juhoon smiled before letting himself fall backward onto Martin's bed.
Without permission, as always.
Martin didn't even bother complaining anymore. His bed had been unofficially claimed by Juhoon years ago.
"They're really worried about you, you know.”
Martin groaned.
"Don't start."
"I'm serious."
Juhoon rolled onto his side, propping his head up with his hand.
"They think you're waiting for someone."
Martin nearly dropped his pen.
Dangerous. Dangerous topic.
"That's ridiculous."
"Is it?" Juhoon arched an eyebrow.
"Yes.”
Juhoon narrowed his eyes, suspicious.
“You know you’re easy to read, right?” he asked.
“No, I'm not.” Martin argued.
“And that expression tells me that…” Juhoon gasped. “You’re planning to be a priest!” he pointed a finger at Martin accusingly.
No. I love you.
“No, I'm not going to be a priest, Jju. Stop reading into things.” he replied.
Juhoon became silent.
“You really don’t want to date anyone? like, anyone at all?” he asked.
Martin stayed silent. Words are trying so hard to claw their way out of his chest but he held it in.
“I don’t know, Jju. It still hasn’t crossed my mind.”
It’s true, though. He’s never thought about a future where Juhoon was not there. There was no version in his mind that imagined another person’s face. It’s all Juhoon.
“But when you do get to that point, let me meet them, alright?” Juhoon held out his pinky.
“Promise me.”
Martin swallowed hard. He doesn’t want to make a promise like this, he’d rather get locked up than promise something like that. The cruel thing is that Juhoon had already met him. Years ago.
But even so, he still slid his pinky and intertwined it with Juhoon.
“Why do you want that?” he asked.
“Because who knows…” Juhoon trailed off, and then he mumbled something that Martin couldn’t understand.
“What?” Martin asked.
“Nah, it’s nothing.” Juhoon said before standing up.
He went to Martin’s door, opening it before looking back.
“I’ll call you when dinner’s ready, okay?”
And then he walked out. Unbeknownst to Martin, Juhoon feels the same heavy feeling in his chest too. One that Juhoon could name, but is too afraid to do so.
If Martin doesn’t act on it, neither will he.
+1 when he finally said it to Juhoon
Martin doesn’t know how he got here. All he knows is that he and Juhoon were bored so they played a movie.
But then Juhoon’s stares lingered more than they should have.
His hands started inching closer and closer to Martin’s hands.
The last thing Martin remembers is their hands interlocking before Juhoon straddled him.
Now here they are, Juhoon on top of Martin as their tongues dance in a rhythmic pattern.
“Mmph.. Jju—” Martin tried to talk but Juhoon was too busy devouring his mouth.
“Fuck, you have no idea how long i’ve wanted this.” Juhoon mumbled as he left traces of love bites in Martin’s neck.
“Nngh.. jj-jju..! wait..” Martin tried to push Juhoon.
Juhoon looked back. Face flushed.
“Do you really want this? I don’t want to force you—” Martin was cut off again by Juhoon’s mouth.
“I’m literally laying myself bare here, Martin. Don’t try to act like a priest now.” Juhoon replied.
After getting Juhoon’s go-signal, Martin flipped their position. Now Juhoon is lying on their couch, looking up at Martin.
Martin dived down, capturing Juhoon’s lips. The kiss was hot, heavy, bearing all the weight of how much Martin yearned for this moment to happen.
Martin licks the bottom of Juhoon’s lips before he pushes his tongue in.
“Nnghh.. Tin.. Please..” Juhoon looked at him with doe eyes. Trying to get what he wants
“What do you want, baby?” Martin asked.
“Kiss me more. Harder.” That reels Martin in.
“Fuck, I love you so much, Jju, you don’t—” and then their movements stopped.
Martin stopped. Juhoon looked.
“Do you— do you mean that, Martin?” Juhoon asked carefully.
Martin sat up. He tried to regain composure before looking at Juhoon again and fuck. Juhoon looks perfect.
Like a wreck. Too good.
“Jju, I really didn’t want to say that while we grind on each other but I don’t know when I'll be able to say it if not now…” Martin heaved a sigh.
“I love you, Jju. Since fifteen. Before I even learned how to shave my mustache.” He said.
“I probably spoiled whatever this is but I want it to be true—” and then Juhoon’s lips came crashing against his again.
“God, you’re such a dork, do you know what?” Juhoon giggled.
He got on top of Martin who was sitting up, straddling his lap once again.
He angled his lips in front of Martin’s ear before whispering,
“I love you too.”
Martin looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights.
Juhoon grinds in Martin’s lap.
“Now do the thing you’re about to do before I leave you here.” Juhoon demanded.
And then he’s back again. Claiming Juhoon’s lips, swallowing every moan he lets out.
“I love you, Jju.” He mutters again before roaming his hands under Juhoon’s shirt.