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Raj was in love with a man. He could admit that to himself. It had sort of lingered in the back of his mind for years. But what he was struggling with was being in love with Howard. His best friend Howard.
He'd been almost non stop thinking about this for a few weeks now, with many thoughts of 'are we sure?' in his mind. Because it was absurd, right? They weren't some stereotype "gay man falling in love with his straight best friend." Was he even gay? Bi? He pushed the thought aside when he heard a knock at his door. Howard. Shit, he'd forgotten he was coming over tonight.
He got up to open the door, smiling when he saw his best friend. "Raj!" He said, giving him a hug. Raj hugged him back, but stepped away quickly.
"I, uh have some drinks in the fridge and we can game if you want." He let Howard in, shutting the door behind him. "Sure buddy." Howard grinned, and made himself at home, grabbing them drinks and plopping on the couch.
Raj let himself relax, drinking to ease his mind a little and just let himself hang out with his friend. They were leaning against each other, a few too many drinks in and the game forgotten just talking.
"I just feel like I'm gonna be single forever, you know man?" Raj sighed, laying his head back against the couch.
"I can't imagine why." Howard said, laughing as he took a sip of his drink.
"Oh shut up, I'm being serious." Raj rolled his eyes.
Howard turned to look at him with his whole body, and Raj's heart jumped a little but he swallowed it down.
"Listen, if I could find a woman then there has to be someone out there for you." He said, with much less sarcasm.
Raj sighed again. "But I look at it like if you could find a woman and I still haven't, then is there really anyone for me?"
"First of all, rude," Howard said, but he was smiling. Then softer, he said, "Tell you what, if me and Bernadette don't work out… you and I could give it a go."
Raj had to pause for a second. Did he really just say that? He thought, but it wasn't his first thought. His first thought was how pretty Howard looked right now. How pretty Howard always looked.
Before he knew it, he had leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Howard kissed him back, one of his hands sliding up to the back of his neck. Raj's hands gendtly rested on Howard's hips.
His eyes were closed, so he only felt it when Howard started to cry. A wet tear drop fell on his nose, and he pulled back. Howard's eyes were closed, tears running down his face.
"Hey, hey what's wrong?" Raj asked gently, afraid he'd done something wrong. "Are you okay Howie?"
Howard took a slow breath in.
"I love you." He said with his eyes closed.
Oh.
"But I can't be with you." Howard opened his eyes, but didn't look at Raj, instead staring down at his hands.
Oh.
Raj swallowed. "Why not?" He asked, choking the words out.
"I… I wish you were a girl." Howard's voice broke, and he closed his eyes again, more tears spilling down his cheeks. "Only so I could be with you."
He didn't know what to say to that. So he just hugged his friend.
Howard left his house soon after that. Before he walked out of the door, Raj caught him by the hand to stop him.
"For what it's worth, I love you too." He said softly. Howard paused, then kissed him. Raj kissed him back, probably for the last time ever. This time he was the one on the verge of tears.
Howard gave him a look that belonged in a tragedy, before he turned and left.