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The show was a success. Truly.
If it weren’t for Sakaki’s constant push, Tsukasa strongly believes it would have ended terribly. That the show wouldn’t have reached the audience. That he could not improve as an actor. That he would have been forgettable.
The exhaustion of his relentless practice weighs over him in a way that fogs up his mind and causes his eyelids to droop. It was so heavy he could feel it etched deeply into his bones, blurring all previous events into one. The only thoughts that were actually comprehensible were the quiet impulses left behind by William and his past self whispering about being forgotten.
He tries really hard to push those unsettling remains away.
Tsukasa had to force his boisterous energy when the troupe interacted with a handful of giddy fans. His inner turmoil wasn’t noticeable to them, thankfully.
He felt like he was being stripped bare before his little audience. Like he used up every last bit of himself for his grand performance and was left with nothing but bland leftovers. He started to wonder if they would remember him the next day. Or the week after. Or a month later. Or—
Tsukasa internally slaps a lid on the growing static as he finishes up the last of his dramatic monologuing and signing.
It’s just exhaustion, he tells himself; I need a good night’s rest.
Once the crowd disperses, the troupe lets out a symphony of sighs.
”That was draining. The moment my head hits my pillow, I’m going to be out for days.” Nene exaggerates wearily.
”Unfortunately, that won’t be possible. We do still have school.” Rui supplies with an apologetic smile at the reminder.
”Ugh. Don’t remind me…”
”Don’t look so glum, Nene-chan! It’s still Friday! You’ve got two days to charge up like Nene-Robo and blast off!” Emu pipes up with ecstatic hand movement. She is still hyper, yes, but it is toned down rather drastically. Anyone who didn’t know Emu wouldn’t notice how tired she actually was.
Tsukasa, usually giving the most motivational, proud speeches after a show, is quiet. He stares off into the distance, mind elsewhere.
Nene, Emu, and Rui share glances.
”Are you not going to say anything…?” Nene asks bluntly, adjusting the duffel bag strapped over her shoulder.
”Hm? Oh, uh… good job, everyone!” Tsukasa practically bellows the last part before returning to whatever he was thinking about.
The trio shares another wary glance in silent communication.
They knew something was wrong.
They just didn’t know how to confront it properly.
Emu did manage to reach him, but she knows it was only temporary. Nene wanted to say something, but she didn’t know how to put it into words. Rui could go on about the emotional turmoil he desperately wanted to let out to reach Tsukasa, yet nothing could get past his throat.
In the end, they were all helpless in the face of their dear troupe leader’s self-destruction, unsure how to approach him without scaring him off.
They walk in silence, away from the now-empty theater, both out of weariness and buzzing thoughts.
Tsukasa really wanted to go home, crash into his comfortable bed, and lie there for the rest of eternity. Surprisingly, the idea of cleansing himself in his usual strict routine before performing those very actions was not appealing. He wonders how his sister or his mother would greet him at the door.
Would they know what he imagined? The scenarios that haunt his vision whenever he closes his eyes? Would they know how angry he feels, or how much he wants to jerk his head away from that ugly version of himself that whispers cruel things into his ears? Would they know the harmful things and urges that twitch at his fingertips and plague his imagination?
What if he went into that house and harmed them? What if he turned a knife towards his sister, bashed his father’s face into the table, or pushed his mother down the—
down the
down
the
sT
Ai
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?
Tsukasa’s abrupt halt in his steps draws everyone from their own pondering. He turns around to face the puzzled others, a tight smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes spreading across his face.
”Say, Emu. You think we can sleep over at your house tonight?” He questions, uncharacteristically quiet.
”Eh?! Oh…! Um… sure! Yes, sure!” Emu’s eyes start shining with more confidence when she realizes how this could benefit her as well, “Let’s have one! It will be so so fun! You guys still have clothes you left behind from last time, so we don’t need to make any stops!”
It was almost as if the dissipating energy was returning to her, who knows where, as she started to jump excitedly while physically vibrating.
Rui’s eyes light up slightly as a small grin forms on his face.
”I do like that idea. It’s like an after-party… without the party.”
Nene makes a face.
”Come on, Nene-chan! Pleaaaase!”
“But… my bed…”
”Pretty please with cherries and gummies and sprinkles and whipped cream—“
”Okay, okay! Fine…”
Emu cheers with a comical spring into the air before launching herself at Tsukasa, busy hesitantly informing his mother of the new plan, knocking the negativity out of him momentarily as he lets out an “oof!”
“H-Hey! Be careful!” The blonde sputters with a stumble, Emu wrapping around him from behind like a koala.
”Carry me, my dear knight!” She declares in a dramatic tone.
Tsukasa can’t stop the soft expression that breaks across his face, tired yet genuine. He lets out a small, breathy laugh.
”As you wish, Your Majesty!” He plays along whilst adjusting the younger girl more comfortably, not minding the added weight as he ensures he’s holding his bag properly.
Rui feels himself grow fond, accompanied by a strange bittersweetness.
He loves his troupe mates.
He wishes he could do more.
Instead of letting himself sink into those rising feelings, he gives Nene a sly look.
”Won’t you give your dear prince a piggyback?”
”Hell no.”
They arrive at the Otori Household, Emu wiggling around in excitement while Tsukasa does his best to keep them balanced with small grunts.
“Sleepover sleepover sleepover sleepover!” She chants.
”I get you’re excited, but please stop shouting that into my ear…” Tsukasa mutters with no malice.
”That’s rich coming from you…” Nene pipes up, drawing a chuckle from Rui as he opens the door. Tsukasa shoots a glare at her before trudging in with a restless Emu.
”We’re home!” Emu practically screams as she jerks both of her hands upwards.
“Gah! Emu!” Tsukasa yelps and topples over. The pair crashes onto the ground with a comical thud, Emu giggling hysterically while Tsukasa wearily sighs.
”Ah! Welcome back E… oh…” Hinata’s smile fades at the sight, giving way to perplexion. She doesn’t question it.
A unison of greetings is drawn from the other three, but that is interrupted when Tsukasa and Emu start squirming around on the floor because the pink-haired teen refuses to get off of him.
Rui tries to act subtly as he slips his phone out and starts recording their little wrestling session.
Nene sighs.
”Don’t mind me…” She weaves past the energetic batch and stops in front of Hinata, “…sorry about that. They were tired moments ago.”
Nene then resumes walking, turning around the corner to the staircase to head to Emu’s room.
Hinata blinks in silence, then a small smile spreads across her face as she leaves the teenagers be.
Eventually, Rui has to pry Emu off of a heaving Tsukasa forcefully. However, it was more of her allowing him to do it. She was scarily strong, and someone as scrawny as Rui couldn’t do as much as push her if he tried.
“Now, now, Emu-kun. Enough of that.” He chides, patting her head lightly.
Tsukasa makes a face.
”Why does she get that treatment…?” he complains between breaths.
“Why, because she’s the most innocent creature you will ever lay your eyes on, of course~!” Rui replies with a cat-like grin, squishing Emu’s cheeks for emphasis.
The blonde rolls his eyes and gathers the scattered belongings.
The other two hastily move to assist, and once they have slipped their shoes off and lined them up neatly, they pad down the hall and up the stairs.
Nene is already lounging around on Emu’s bed in her snug pajamas, playing a rhythm game on her phone. Her hair is wrapped in a seashell-patterned towel.
“Took you guys long enough.” She huffs, not raising her gaze as she rapidly taps away.
”Of course you’re the first one to get changed.” Tsukasa mutters as he sets the bags down.
“No one told you two to have a whole WWE match downstairs.” She retorts, though the sentence is strung with many pauses due to her strained focus.
Emu giggles while she strides to her closet. She grabs the first pajama set she sees and retreats to the bathroom.
”Oh? Is that an AP combo I see?” Rui remarks, looming over her mischievously.
”Rui…”
”It would be a shame if you were to lose it somehow…”
”Don’t you even think about it…”
”Oh, come on. I’m not that cruel.”
Rui leans back, the scheming look never leaving his face once. Nene doesn’t know that, though.
He’s going to get killed… Tsukasa thinks to himself as Rui’s hands hover near Nene’s sides.
Just as the teenager nears the most intense part of the chart, Rui wastes no time with tickling her sides. She practically screeches, spouting foul words as she kicks at him. Rui giggles like a maniac, the kicks barely reaching him until Nene loses her combo, pauses the game, and yanks him downwards to bash him with weak hits.
Rui just laughs and accepts his fate.
Tsukasa lets out an exasperated sigh, feeling like a single mother as he shakes his head and turns to Emu’s closet. She had two—one for her clothes and another one filled with her fellow troupe members’ belongings.
Tsukasa begins to hoist the futons out despite the fog weighing on his mind. Don’t get him wrong; he was enjoying every second of this, but he just felt off. And, oddly enough, the more time he spent around his troupe members, the worse it got. Even if it was supposed to have the opposite effect. The whole point of this sleepover was to get away from his house because if he did go there, he might—
“Need help, Tsukasa-kun?” Rui’s out-of-breath voice cuts through his slipping mind.
He blinks rapidly.
”Ah, no. Don’t worry I…”
“You’ve been glaring at the futons like they cursed your whole bloodline for quite a while, you know.” The taller boy cuts in before an excuse can be given.
Tsukasa blinks once more.
Was he really doing that?
Rui’s expression takes on something unreadable.
“Say, Tsukasa-kun—“
”I’m done!” Emu announces her grand entrance, clearly refreshed from her shower. She then skips her way over to Tsukasa and grabs his hand.
“Your turn! You really, really need it after such a wonderful performance!” She insists with light tugs.
Tsukasa’s gaze shifts between Rui’s blank face and Emu’s shining one.
I feel like I should avoid whatever it is he wants to talk about… He concludes mentally.
”I can’t deny that.” He admits in his usual performing tone, “A star needs to take care of himself to the fullest, after all!” A pause, “Apologies, Rui. I might take a while.”
Yellow eyes watch him so carefully that Tsukasa can see the gears turning behind them.
”No… it’s alright.”
Tsukasa grabs his clothes and tries to walk as normally as he can towards the bathroom, tension threatening to expose his inner thoughts.
He exhales once he shuts the door, a sound that bears surprising heaviness as his face goes slack. The bathroom suddenly sounds deafeningly silent. He moves slowly as he places his change of clothes on the racks, unsure why his chest suddenly feels tight.
When he turns to look at his reflection, a stranger looks back at him. His eyes are blank, bags evident since he hadn’t really bothered to cover them post-show. His hair is a bit duller, weariness evident on his features. His face is so empty. So resentful.
Tsukasa doesn’t really know who he’s looking at.
He has to force his gaze away from his reflection.
Unlike his usual routine, he finds himself merely trudging into the shower and sitting under the head. The water is hotter than usual, but it helps numb the onslaught of thoughts running around in his head.
Tsukasa props his head on his knees and closes his eyes. A part of him wants to stay like this and drown in his mind under stinging water.
He liked the feeling. It soothed him, even if it hurt a little.
He senses himself drift as he wanders through his pondering.
If he was so certain that avoiding his family for the night would clear the ugly torrent within him, why is it getting worse?
Why does he feel suffocating dread around his troupe mates?
Unhelpful enough, his brain supplies him with rather gruesome scenarios, causing him to choke up.
Amelia Nene, strangled by the neck and hung, lifeless. Dull eyes staring right at him. Dried tears stretched down her face.
The Child Divine Messenger Emu, mutilated, in pain, sobbing in her last breath.
The High Divine Messenger Rui, face scrunched into an expression Tsukasa had never seen before (was it fear…?), was succumbing to his slow, torturous death.
They’re all looking at him.
There is blood on William’s Tsukasa’s hands.
…What if he hurts them…?
Hurts his—
Suddenly, his head feels light, like it is floating off into the sky and never coming back. A faint buzz tingles at the back of his mind as he gets lighter. And lighter. And lighter. It was as if cotton was being stuffed into his brain. The harsh water burning his skin turns into nothing more than light droplets of nothingness. His body has dissipated, become one with the air and water.
He is nothing.
He is floating.
Weirdly enough, he likes it.
A loud knock jolts Tsukasa out of his trance, and the blonde doesn’t even register how unsteady his breathing is until now. His vision is slightly blurred to the point that he can barely make out the bloody nips on his legs caused by his nails.
“..kasa! Tsu…!” Someone calls. It’s muffled.
His ears were static, and suddenly this odd sensation wasn’t pleasant anymore.
Right… I’m… in the bathroom… they’re waiting…
Tsukasa doesn’t think he can speak right now; his tongue is pure weight in his mouth.
So instead, he sluggishly pulls himself upwards, almost slipping in the process.
He blindly reaches for the shampoo, doing his best to wash himself as efficiently as he always does.
Yet the feeling doesn’t leave him be.
Everything is a blur.
Tsukasa has no idea how he manages to finish up and leave the shower, or how he dries off and gets dressed.
He would almost believe he was dreaming if not for the throb of the nail indents in his skin. Even then, it wasn’t that strong.
He looms over the sink and squeezes his eyes shut, internally battling this haze.
Unfortunately for him, it is impossible to do so. To compensate for this struggle, Tsukasa resorts to simply pushing down as much as he can. The teenager focuses on the throbbing in his legs in an attempt to ground himself.
It works. Somewhat. He can hear Emu whining as she calls for him on the other side of the door.
Tsukasa raises his head, adjusts his expression the best he can, then unlocks and opens the door.
“Tsukasa-kun! Why did you take so long?! Why didn’t you reply earlier?!” Emu instantly bombards him with a flurry of questions. Nene is peering over her shoulder in evident concern, and Rui stares. Like he knows.
He shouldn’t know.
The blonde lets out a small laugh.
”It was a good shower, if I do say so myself. Guess it made me quite sleepy, though!” Tsukasa declares, mustering as much as he can into his little performance.
He knows they don’t buy it one bit with the silence that accompanies the forcefully lighthearted statement.
The longer the silence stretches, the more the buzz and thoughts begin to peek out again.
”A-Anyway! Sorry for taking so long, Rui! You can shower now!”
Rui only stares. He knows what’s happening. He can instantly recognize it from the light haze in the boy’s eyes.
”Tsukasa-kun…”
”I’m a bit thirsty, now that I think about it! I won’t take too long downstairs, so do not worry, my dear troupe mates.”
Emu frowns. Nene’s brows furrow. Rui chokes up on his own words.
Tsukasa escapes without even trying to hide it this time.
The only sound heard is the fading footsteps padding down the hallway as the blonde flees.
Emu lets out a defeated noise and sags.
”At this rate, we’ll never be able to help him…” She sighs, evidently defeated.
Rui curls his fingers over his chin, expression grave.
“He’s teetering near full dissociation.” He announces without hesitation. There was no point in sugarcoating it at this rate.
“…What…? That doesn’t sound like a good thing!” Emu exclaims. She had a vague idea, but not the full image.
Nene, on the other hand, having seen how Rui acted in middle school, is quiet, a serious expression taking over her face.
“I’ll go talk to him.” She declares, drawing the pair’s worry towards her.
Both try to object in unison, but are silenced by the green-haired girl.
“He’d freak out less if it were me. Emu’s too direct and Rui’s scarily precise. Plus, you stink, Rui. Go shower.” Nene deadpans.
Emu and Rui mull over it, the boy pouting after finally processing the insult, before begrudgingly obeying.
With that resolved… Nene thinks, with a slight shift. Let’s see if I can get to him…
Tsukasa’s movements are poorly coordinated and sluggish as he navigates around the kitchen. The buzz at the back of his head is persistent, his fingers numb when he curls them around the cup.
When he turns to fill it with water, he catches a glimpse of the knives snug in their knife block.
A wave of nausea hits him as his mind screams, static banging at his ears. He squeezes his eyes shut and does his best to suppress the shiver striking down his spine harshly.
He shouldn’t be thinking about these things. He should be feeling better. But he can barely feel his body as his mind fogs up, swirling with the suffocating whispers.
He shouldn’t be thinking about these things.
He should be feeling better.
He shouldn’t be thinking about these things.
He avoided going home for a reason.
He should be feeling better.
He avoided going home for a reason.
…wouldn’t that make you more forgettable to them, William Tsukasa?
The unbearable emotions that had been drawn from him during their show began to resurface within Tsukasa, his chest heaving slightly.
The static gets louder.
And louder.
And lou—
“T…suk…asa.”
He blinks out of his inner turmoil in an instant.
“You… kind of spilled the water you were about to drink.” The girl remarks as she moves closer. She gingerly pries the cup from his hands and moves to refill it herself.”
Such a shame…
The girl shuffles near the knife block to stand more comfortably.
Such a shame you have to endure such a fate soon…
“Quit staring and take the cup.”
...but it’s inevitable…
”…ka…sa…? Hey… you there?”
…I’m doing this for your sake…
“Tsu…sa…! Hey!”
He blinks. Smiles.
”Sorry for that. Just thinking.” The boy accepts the cup humbly: “Thank you, Amelia.”
Nene Amelia freezes.
”…what…?” She breathes out shakily.
Tsukasa William blinks.
“Did I say something wrong? You look spooked.”
His daughter continues to stare at him in bewilderment.
Don’t tell me she found out… Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me. Don't forget me.
“Um… it’s…” Nene Amelia’s eyes flit, voice wavering, “Uh…”
All the confidence she carried with her instantly dissipated the moment he called her that. Sure, when she walked into the kitchen and saw Tsukasa muttering to himself shakily, it also unnerved her slightly, but this is too much.
Nene doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to snap him out of it or confront him when he is looking at her with such dead eyes.
Before she can even pinpoint a solution, Tsukasa lets out a startling noise. Nene jerks her head back up, coming face to face with a strained, clouded expression.
“Um… sorry about that! You know how it is… post-acting and all! I was just messing with you, you know? Your reaction was rather amusing! Though sorry if it was too much, my bad!” Tsukasa laughs loudly, but he looks like he’s in so much pain, and Nene can’t do anything but gape and stammer.
“T-Tsukasa… you…”
The blonde sighs, his face growing into a vulnerable expression that can only be seen on a child, one that makes Nene’s heart ache.
“Just… drop it, okay? It’ll pass eventually. You’re just wasting your breath.”
The young girl swallows audibly, then nods.
Tsukasa downs his water, rinses the cup, places it on the rack, and leaves the kitchen without another word.
And Nene feels hopeless, just as she always has. Ever since this whole thing started, she has just felt hopeless.
Tsukasa doesn’t say anything when he enters the room, met with two curious glances. He merely trudges to his designated futon with a lowered head and hunched shoulders, flops downwards, and rolls himself up under the blanket.
He’s tired. Really tired. The buzz is persistent, and his thoughts are in a frenzy. Tsukasa doesn’t think he can look anyone in the eye. Weird, unwanted images kept popping into his mind and blinding his vision with their gruesomeness, and he felt disgusted with himself.
He even called Nene Amelia. What level did he have to stoop to achieve such a thing? He subconsciously scratches at his neck, gaze shifting.
Tsukasa is appalled by his actions. Anxious. Angry. Angry. Hateful, actually. He feels so irritated that it scares him.
It reminds him too much of the past.
The blonde forces his eyes shut inside his blanket burrito, the fuzz and thoughts blocking out any whispering going on around him. Tsukasa knows they are worried. That they are talking about him.
He doesn’t want to bother them.
He is a rising star, after all! A big brother! A role model!
These feelings don’t matter.
These feelings will pass.
Scratch that: they should pass. If anything remains, Tsukasa will need to clean it all up. Forget it all.
He wishes he could do that now. He keeps on remembering and remembering, even after their show, to the point that it’s just dominating his coherence.
Tsukasa wants it to go away. He wants everything to go away and for him to be left alone. Yet the idea of being alone made him shiver and feel dreadful.
He’s so pathetic. He’s eighteen, for crying out loud. Eighteen and acting like a helpless kid.
Tsukasa stifles a heavy sigh and squeezes his eyes shut. If only sleep could come to him easily.
The muffled voices come to a halt at some point. He doesn’t know when. The slight light visible behind his closed eyes dissipates with a faint flick somewhere.
Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. To avoid these feelings. To avoid myself. Tsukasa thinks, lashes fluttering with closed eyes.
…
The blonde isn’t sure when the fog takes over and evens his breathing into a faint lull as he dozes off amidst the rampaging inner turmoil.
”Aw… Tsukasa-kun looks like a little burrito.” Emu whispers. A faint click follows from her phone as she takes a picture—a clear attempt to lighten the mood.
Rui hums.
”He looks peaceful. Less frustrated. His face isn’t pinched.” The teen makes a brief remark and adjusts the blanket that is flopping over the said boy’s face.
Nene’s knees are curled to her chest as she watches. Her neck tingles, and she can’t help but cradle it slightly. Green strands fall over her flickering eyes.
“Nene-chan looks like a sad, wet cat.” Emu points out bluntly.
“Wh— huh?!”
“I do see the resemblance…” Rui chuckles.
Nene shoots him a forced glare. Emphasis on forced, because it falls apart as soon as it surfaces.
Yellow eyes soften evidently.
“Don’t blame yourself, Nene. We’re all worried. We all feel helpless. But we can’t just pressure him. As much as he is stubborn, he will cave eventually…” His voice trails off as he glances at the sleeping boy, his own regrets shining in his eyes, just for a small moment.
If only I hadn’t come up with such a role for him. If only I hadn’t introduced him to method acting. If only—
Emu silently watches them, eyes unreadable and sharp. She didn’t like seeing her friends, her special people, upset. Yet here they were, devastated and drowning in guilt, exhaustion weighing their features. Don’t get her wrong; she was just as worried. But the fact that it was affecting everyone else just as much makes her heart grow heavy.
She really hopes this can all be resolved soon.
“Everyone seems tired. And upset. We should probably sleep.” Emu declares without hesitation.
The pair’s attention snaps to Emu before they nod and begrudgingly mumble in agreement. It has been a long day. A long week. A long month.
Rest was most definitely desirable in this current predicament.
And after getting comfortable in their futons and mumbling their goodnights, each of them slipped into their own minds and dreams.
A piano.
A piano with missing keys.
That is what Tsukasa comes face-to-face with before the world around him comes to life.
A piano with missing keys on a rundown stage and a blurry-faced audience.
He puts on a smile. Puts on a show as he introduces himself. He then plays the piece set before him. Despite missing keys that left the piece flawed, he makes up for it as best he can. He sings and plays with all his heart.
And when he finishes, the audience applauses and cheers. He can’t help but smile and beam, the spotlight making him shine more than he ever can.
Some people whisper that it's rather forgettable, but that’s okay!
That’s okay!
That’s okay!
That’s okay!
It repeats.
More keys are missing.
More people complain.
“You aren’t putting enough effort.” A voice eerily similar to Sakaki’s whispers to him backstage.
He was sure he had been. But if he truly lacks, he must do more.
It repeats.
More keys are missing.
It repeats.
The piano is almost empty.
The audience complains.
The audience complains.
The audience complains.
The audience forgets.
Forgets.
Forgets.
It repeats.
The piano isn’t there anymore.
So he sings.
He sings and dances.
But the audience isn’t pleased.
They mock him.
“Who is he?”
“What is he doing?”
”He really thinks he’s something, huh?”
”Who is he?”
”Who is he?”
”Who is he?”
Tsukasa finishes his performance, his smile strained.
He bows in pitch silence.
No one bats an eye.
When he flees backstage, he feels nauseous. His hands tremble. His chest stutters and heaves.
You’re not putting enough effort. You’re so forgettable. You’re not putting enough effort. You’re so forgettable. You’re so disgustingly forgettable—
“Come on…”
Tsukasa jolts from his distorting panic, his blurring gaze focusing on the female before him.
Saki.
She looks troubled as she stares right at him. The boy instantly pushes down any signs of panic and makes sure he appears as calm as possible.
“I can’t seem to get this right…” She sighs.
”Oh? Do you need any help? Your dear brother is quite knowledgeable in many fields!” Tsukasa declares with a boisterous laugh.
Saki doesn’t reply. She gives Tsukasa a rather distant look before walking straight through him.
The blonde sucks in a sharp breath as a choked noise leaves him. His eyes grow wide, and suddenly he feels small. Really small. His chest tightens as Saki continues toward their mother, pouting and asking questions.
Shaken and terrified, Tsukasa slowly approaches them once more.
“Mom…” He whispers like a child. A lost, scared child.
He reaches forward.
His hand goes straight through her.
The static grows louder as he watches his mother and sister converse, shifting from Saki’s troubles to laughter.
The world around him begins to gray and darken. Warp into something ugly as two voices chant into his ears.
You’re pathetic. They forgot you. You’re so forgettable. You’re useless. Was it all really worth it? Kill them. Was it worth it? Kill them. You’re a fool. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them.
“I don’t want to…”
Kill them.
”…but…”
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sakaki. Propped up against the kitchen table.
”It’s all for the performance, Tsukasa-kun.”
Kill them.
Tsukasa’s expression grows slack and his vision blurs when he reaches for the nearby knife.
”Big brother? Hey, what are you doing?”
”I’m sorry…”
”Tsukasa, dear. Are you—?”
The world goes black the moment the disoriented boy with dull eyes plunges the knife straight through his mother’s chest in a manic, tight expression.
Everything blurs.
Goes to static.
He can make out the gory squelches and sobs and scent of blood. It’s everywhere. He can taste it.
The static gets louder. Louder. Louder. LoUdErrrrrrrRRrR.
When he comes to, his breathing is ragged. He can feel everything all at once, and it hurts. He processes the fact that Amelia Nene’s neck is gripped tightly between his hands. Her eyes are bloodshot and glazed over, face pale and dotted with—
Tsukasa stumbles away from her in an instant, eyes wide in horror as a wave of nausea hits him.
His family, his friends, all dead in sickening ways that make him want to vomit. There is blood on his clothes. Blood on the floor. Blood on his hands. On his skin. Tainted forever. Forever. Forever.
“You did great, Tsukasa-kun.” The warped figure behind him whispers into his ears as he cradles himself closely. “You did wonderfully.”
Fingers gently hover over his neck in a way that makes him tense.
“But it’s still not enough.”
They cut off his airway without missing a second, drawing a startled noise out of him.
He struggles and squirms, and when he finally catches sight of the culprit that shifts its appearance, it is none other than his younger self.
His younger self, brimming with self-hatred, stares Tsukasa down. Tears roll down his cheeks as his fingers tighten.
“Why did you forget me?! Why?! Why did you ignore me?! I hate you! You’re no different from them! I hate you! I hate you so much!” Younger Tsukasa shouts, “You’re better off dead!”
Before Tsukasa can react, the ground underneath him disappears as his younger self pushes him.
Pushes him as everyone mocks him with their dead faces.
Pushes him
Pushes him down
the
s
T
a
i
R
r
R
s
S
s
S
….
A sharp pain that strikes the back of his head paints his vision white as Miles Torpe Rio Nakayama Heihachi Bless William Tsukasa succumbs to his fate.
Tsukasa jolts awake in a strangled gasp, unable to breathe. It feels like something has wrapped around his neck and refuses to let go. He stifles his heaves, tears pricking in his blurring eyes as the buzz at the back of his head spreads throughout his body.
He needs to calm down before he wakes the others up.
Yet even though his vision is glazed over, the sight of their silhouettes sprawled on the ground nearby reminds him too much of his dream. So much that a wave of nausea washes over him and mixes with the uprising disaster.
Shakily, Tsukasa stumbles to his feet as quietly as he can, unable to handle the pressure suffocating him.
He staggers, blindly feeling his way to the bathroom. He can barely hear his own heartbeat anymore, breathing strained. He doesn’t register whatever he bumps into as he fumbles harshly with the doorknob and barges into the bathroom.
“You’re better off dead.” The younger version of him mocks in the mirror from the corner of his fuzzy gaze.
Tsukasa squeezes his eyes shut and drops to his knees, nearly slamming his head into the toilet seat in the process. He heaves and coughs, doing his best to fight the buzzing that threatens to spread.
What was wrong with him?
So forgettable.
Why was this happening?
You’re so detestable.
His stomach churns. He thinks he can taste salt. He doesn’t know. Everything feels surreal.
I don’t want this. Just… let me forget…!
Something lightly touches his back, triggering a wave of buzzing to spread throughout him in response. He hiccups and shivers. The static makes it hard to register whatever is happening around him.
”Shh… i… kay… breathe…”
His numb hand is pressed up against something. It’s moving. In. Out. In. Out.
“..st… breathe…”
Tsukasa(?) poorly mimics the action, hiccuping and coughing. He can’t breathe. He’s trying, but he can’t. Just like everything else. He can’t do anything right. He. Can’t. Do. Anything. Right—
Warm hands cup over his ears, suddenly silencing all noise bombarding his ears. Dull, glazed eyes widen as they begin to focus on the outline of purple and turquoise hair slightly.
“Hey. You’ll be alright. Don’t listen to those voices. Just focus on breathing, dear star.” A gentle, careful voice murmurs.
The blonde lets out a shaky, heaving exhale and nods weakly, the buzz tingling at the tips of his ears while he falls into rhythm with his guide.
Once his breathing is steady yet shaky, worn-out eyes meet soft, yellow ones. The hands around his head are the only thing grounding him.
”Are you feeling a bit better, dear Tsukasa?” Rui murmurs, carefully brushing away the remaining tears and dampness. The action draws a faint buzz against his skin. Tsukasa’s(?) eyes flicker with cloudiness.
Rui catches on immediately.
“It’s okay to succumb to it. We’ll be here for you throughout the whole episode. And when it’s done, we can talk.”
“Don’t… want…” he croaks as his eyes drop. Looking at Rui made him feel sick all over again.
“Fighting it will make it worse. It’s not a fun process, but I swear we’ll take care of you. Just… don’t do this to yourself, my star.” The teenager whispers with gentle brushes to the darkened undersides of Tsukasa’s eyes.
My star…
A star…
I… am no star.
I
am
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
.
Rui watches, painfully so, as the blonde before him grows distant and slack.
There it is…
He calls for Emu, and the worried girl enters the bathroom to help hoist Tsukasa out.
“He looks so…” Nene’s voice trails off. She had ensured a comfy place for Tsukasa to rest, even going as far as to place whatever she could find in the closet that belonged to him for comfort.
“I know…” Rui mumbles once he and Emu carefully set him down. The pink-haired girl tries so hard to keep her composure, not too far from bursting into tears.
Tsukasa had been mumbling in his sleep, but no one really grew alarmed until he knocked over Emu’s stack of toys and books on his way to the bathroom in a concerning manner.
Rui ignores the ache in his chest at the sight. Never would he have thought he would see Tsukasa in such a state, he was all too familiar with himself.
“What do we do now?” Emu inquires weakly.
“Provide a safe space until he comes to.” The boy supplies as he settles down next to the blonde. Emu and Nene follow his actions.
The green-haired girl pulls out her phone in search of something, while the other hovers near Tsukasa’s head.
“Can I… play with his hair…? He usually lets me do it when he sleeps sometimes…” Emu offers hesitantly.
Rui nods.
”Anything that makes him comfortable is preferred.”
The girl nods sharply and maneuvers the dissociated blonde’s head into her lap, hands hovering momentarily before they carefully card through his hair. With a saddened expression, she murmurs reassurances and sweet nothings to him.
Nene plays a musical. Tsukasa had been bugging her about it a few weeks back, when they were at her house. It was his favorite. He played it almost every sleepover, and despite having it memorizes, he always got emotional near the end. She makes sure the volume is low enough not to cause any discomfort.
“Should we tell the VOCALOID…?” She inquires in a whisper as she watches Rui fiddle with Tsukasa’s hand, putting light pressure on the boy’s fingers now and then.
“Not sure… they might freak out and make it worse. I would tell MEIKO or KAITO, but it’s hard to tell them without alerting the rest.” Rui states after a pause to ponder. His wary eyes drift to the boy.
So dull. So distant. So empty.
The sight is far from pleasant.
Tension and worry hang in the air as they wait. And wait. And wait.
Nene sings along softly with the musical numbers she memorized. Emu aimlessly fiddles and combs through Tsukasa’s hair. Rui switches between messing with the boy’s fingers and tracing patterns on his palms.
Abruptly, the blonde stirs ever so slightly with a small noise. Emu stiffens.
“Wh- what do I do?!” She squeaks quietly as the blonde blinks ever so slowly.
”Nene. Get some cold water. Emu just—“ Rui cuts himself off as he shuffles over to handle the situation, “Support him, okay?”
Tsukasa’s expressions move rather slowly as his eyebrows furrow.
“Hey. Are you here with us?”
The blonde blinks sluggishly. Mumbles something unintelligible as he stares at nothing.
“Stay with us, Tsukasa-kun,” Emu whispers and resumes carding through his hair. Rui gingerly squeezes his hand.
“Can you hear me, ‘kasa?” The teen prompts gently.
Tsukasa’s gaze shifts after a long beat of silence. The glossiness in his dull eyes wavers as he squints in an attempt to focus. His fingers twitch slightly in Rui’s grasp
Responsive. Good.
”Good. That’s good.” The purple-haired teenager shifts, “I know it’s a bit too much to ask for, but… can you name five things you can make out at the moment?”
Tsukasa blinks once. Twice.
Lets out a small noise.
“…Rui…” He says carefully, pronunciation a bit strained, “…Emu…”
His eyes trail.
”…a screen…”
His hand quivers in Rui’s hand. The teenager lightly squeezes it in return.
“…plushies… and… Ame—“
A sharp inhale is drawn from him as he catches himself. Emu quickly reassures him in a motherly tone, one she learned from Hinata, and resumes brushing his hair behind his ear.
Tsukasa swallows loudly.
”…Nene.”
Nene’s face is pinched into evident sorrow as she places the cup down whilst sitting.
”Good. You’re doing a very good job, dear. Now, what are four things you can feel? Take your time.”
The blonde’s lashes flutter slightly.
“Your… hand…” a pause, “fingers in… my hair… a… pillow… and a blanket…” The pace at which he speaks picks up slightly, his eyes less foggy.
“You’re doing super super well, Tsukasa-kun,” praises Emu with a more hopeful smile.
His fingers curl a bit more into Rui’s. Rui returns it wordlessly.
“You think you can name me three things you can hear next, ‘kasa?” He urges after a small pause of silence.
Tsukasa lets out a shuddery exhale.
”A video… is playing… and… the bathroom fan… and… a dog… barking.”
His voice is small. However, more comprehensible.
Rui smiles softly.
“How about two things you can smell?”
The teen’s eyes begin to focus further as he mulls it over.
“Shampoo… and… candy…”
Emu lets out a noise of approval.
”Tsukasa-kun is so good at this!” She singsongs.
Said boy’s face tugs into a tiny, weak smile.
His hand grows firmer in ٍRui’s. It brings along a string of relief.
”Lastly, my dear starlight, what is one thing you can taste?”
The blonde blinks.
“Um… saliva?”
“I guess that counts, yes.”
Emu giggles.
Nene watches. Unable to do anything to help.
She grows bitter at the sight before her.
“I’m glad you’re okay, Tsukasa-kun! How are you feeling?” Emu inquires, voice quieted for his sake.
“M’dunno… I feel so… fuzzy…” He replies hoarsely.
“That’s quite alright. Just try to take it easy.” Rui suggests.
Nene eyes the cup of water, then Tsukasa’s recovering self. She wiggles over, unsure how to approach this situation.
A part of her envies how easily it came to Emu and Rui. Even when they were younger, Rui would always assist her whenever she had a panic attack, yet always hid his own episodes from her.
She wishes she wasn’t so emotionally awkward.
“Water.” She states when the blonde’s attention is drawn to her. “You… need it…”
Tsukasa’s eyes flick between the cup and her face.
“And… don’t beat yourself up over… that thing… it’s okay, really.”
The teenager’s expression crumbles slightly. Emu and Rui maneuver him upwards and rest his back against Emu’s actual bed.
Unsteady fingers take the cold cup, and he offers a grateful smile.
“Thank you, Nene…”
Her cheeks color, feeling somewhat better now that she contributed somehow.
“Just drink… idiot.” She manages with a huff.
Tsukasa does as he’s told, his body relaxing as the cool liquid travels down his throat.
They all fall into silent anticipation as he finishes the water in a few more sips.
The blonde knows what they’re waiting for—an explanation. But the idea of recalling out loud made him uneasy.
They will hate him. Surely they will. They will hate him, leave him, and forget him.
His breath hitches, startling the other three teenagers in the room.
He squeezes his stinging eyes shut. The last thing he should do is cry after all the trouble he has already caused.
Yet as hard as he tried- he’s an actor, for god’s sake- they pool out anyway.
“M’so stupid! So stupidly cowardly and selfish! I… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I-I keep remembering ‘nd I… I hate it! I want this pain to go away… I don’t want to remember any of this…! F-For some reason, I can’t differentiate anymore…! And I keep having impulsive, murderous thoughts about the people I care about and I…I’m so— I’m so tired and lost and— I should be more responsible than this…! But I can’t keep it in anymore a-and I don’t… I don’t want to be forgotten! I don’t want to be forgotten, and yet I forgot everything about myself…!” He sobs.
“Oh, Tsukasa…” Emu frowns.
Blinded by his tears, he only feels himself being engulfed in warmth all around him as he cries. He cries so hard he can feel it wrenching in his chest.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
The sweet reassurances surrounding him and the warmth that emanates from his beloved troupe mates clash with the pain and emptiness.
“We’ll never forget you, Tsukasa-kun. Never. I was serious when I said it the first time.” The pink-haired girl states purely.
“We’re gonna help you through this. Together. Like we always do.” Nene adds with sweetness she rarely uses.
“You don’t have to carry this pain alone. WonderShow has been through many things, and this is no different. You matter—more than you will ever believe. And you have changed many, many lives. We are a major example of that.” Rui murmurs oh so gently.
Tsukasa sniffles and hiccups, feeling cherished in this embrace.
“You guys… I’m so, so grateful for you guys…” He whispers between quiet sobs.
”And we’re just as grateful for you too, idiot. So don’t let those bad thoughts get to you.” Nene says firmly with no malice.
A wet laugh escapes the blonde as he squeezes the three others around him into a tighter hug.
Eventually, his cries subside, and Rui, Nene, and Emu refuse to let go of him.
“But I’m tired…” he grumbles.
“That’s fine! We can cuddle!” Emu beams.
Before he can protest, he’s tackled into the futons with a yelp. Rui and Nene watch in amusement before joining, wrapping the weary boy in soft, cozy warmth. Drowsiness washes over Tsukasa almost instantly.
A small part of him is terrified that he might get another nightmare. However, with such love surrounding him, he feels safer. More reassured that if it were to happen, they would be there for him.
It would take a while for him to overcome the truth he subconsciously buried away in the back of his mind, as well as the lingering remains of his performance. He knows that very well. Even if there were negative thoughts still doubting his troupemates’ words, he instinctively feels the need to trust them.
Because their warmth made him feel so… happy.
That is what he concludes when his eyelids begin to droop.
”Goodnight, Tsukasa-kun.”
Tsukasa drifts off into a fuzzy, comfortable sleep, a small smile resting on his peaceful face.