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Zayn never could have imagined that he’d already be here. As Ms. William’s calls up another girl to show off the princess tiara she brought in for “show and tell,” Zayn can only think about Doniya. She was the big kid--the one who always got to do the cool things like play footie in the streets with her friends, and ride the bus to school in the mornings. It wasn’t too long ago that he was sat at the breakfast table, watching his sister run around the house to find something to bring to her own “show and tell”s.
Yet here he is at the end of his first week in kindergarten. He’s seen it all now, all the things that Doniya would talk about all the way home from her footie practice. He’s seen the playground--he’s gone all the way to the top of the shiny, metal slide. He’s made the coolest arts and crafts in the lunchroom. He’s even seen a kid eat the paste!
Here he is. Zayn Malik, the big kid. Zayn Malik, the grown up. Zayn Malik, the--
“Zayn?”
He blinks as Ms. Williams calls his name. She looks concerned from where she sits near the blackboard at the front of the room.
“Feeling okay, love?”
He nods his head quickly, feeling the attention in the room turn to him. Middle children don’t usually get much attention... he’s not sure he’s likes it much.
“I already introduced you, if you’d like to show the class what you brought for show and tell?”
He feels the uneasiness leave him immediately as he smiles and picks up his doll. He’s already changed into his costume--Ms. Williams let him run to change in the bathroom while the other kids were getting their things from their cubbies.
He almost runs over to the front of the classroom, eager to show off his favorite toy. Out of the corner of his eye, Zayn catches the look that Ms. Williams gives him, that one eyebrow raised in warning, but as long as that irritation stays at the top of her head and doesn’t make it to her mouth (like he’s seen her do a couple of times this week when she had to scold Niall, the paste eater) he figures that he’s safe.
He clears his throat once, like he’s seen his father do around the guys from his job, and looks around to make sure everyone’s paying attention. His forehead wrinkles for only a moment as he searches for the right words, then he’s holding his toy high for everyone to see.
“This is Buzz Lightyear, the best superhero ever!” he smiles as he sees eyebrows raise, obviously impressed by the introduction. “He’s my favorite, from Toy Story. Buzz is a galactic ranger, which is like a policeman in space! He keeps the bad guys in line, and saves the day, and--this is the best part--he can fly!”
He pauses to let it sink in, and he hears a boy, Louis, in the corner telling a curly haired boy that maybe they can convince Zayn to go to the top of the school and throw Buzz out of a window to see if he can really fly. Zayn grips Buzz tighter in his hand, the sharp edges digging into his palm, and he’s almost offended when he notices that the curly haired boy nods excitedly as if he really believes that Zayn’s Buzz can fly.
He can’t. Only the real Buzz can do that. Zayn knows, he’s tried three times--that’s why the space helmet is cracked.
“When I get older, I’m going to be just like Buzz Lightyear, but until then I can only be him on Hallow’s Eve. This is my costume from last year, but I’m going to add on to it this year. My mom says that if I keep the same costume, then I can get things to make it better--like a real spaceman helmet!”
He’s never been great at talking, or ending conversations, so he just nods his head once and moves to sit down. It seems to be enough, though, because the class begins clapping and Ms. Williams calls the next person up to speak.
“Liam, would you like to share your toy with the class?”
Zayn absentmindedly plays with the hem of his sleeve, only half-interested in what anyone has to say now that he’s presented. Unless some kid brings in a magic trick, like one of Doniya’s classmate did once, he can’t imagine anything being worth paying attention to. He’s almost got his sleeves completely even when he hears something that makes his ears perk up.
“I think Zayn knows this already,” a boy is saying, and Zayn’s eyes flash to a boy in a cowboy hat standing at the front of the classroom, “but just so the rest of you know, too--Toy Story is the best movie ever.”
That’s when Zayn really starts to pay attention, noticing the Woody doll dangling by his arm from the boy’s right hand, and the matching cowboy cap perched lopsidedly atop his head.
“And the best character ever from Toy Story is Sheriff Woody. He looks out for all the other toys and saves them from all kinds of trouble. He’s the best friend anyone could ever have.”
He smiles so wide that he looks almost like a cartoon character, himself. Not a creepy smile, like the Cheshire Cat in that film that Doniya used to love, but a friendly one. It’s too soft for a hero, though... maybe he has a nice sidekick smile.
Zayn blinks once and opens his eyes to find the boy halfway through a new story.
“...so my mom got me this cowboy hat instead. I love it, though. When we go on holiday to my grandparents’ cottage we get to pass all of the farms. Their neighbor has one right next door, and he lets climb the fence and pretend like I’m a real cowboy!”
He bounces on his feet, excited by simply the thought of his adventures, and Zayn watches as the hat slides a bit further off the left side of his head.
“I don’t think I want to be one when I grow up, though,” the boy admits through pursed lips, and it honestly takes Zayn by surprise. “I just want to be like him. I want to be the best friend somebody’s ever had--I want to look out for people. I don’t want to be somebody’s Sheriff Woody... I just want to be someone’s regular Woody.”
Zayn watches as the boy looks to the teacher for permission before walking over to his seat, clapping along with his classmates as he watches the boy pass by.
“Thank you, Liam. Harry, would you like to go next?”
Zayn is half-aware of the boy walking up to speak next--the curly haired lad from earlier. He tries to pay attention, he really does, but the boy just speaks so slowly and he brought in a “record” that looks kind of like a frisbee and he keeps talking about bugs-- beetles, to be exact. Zayn tries, but the boy’s just not nearly as exciting as the one before him.
He sneaks a peek up to where Liam is sitting now, on the opposite side of the table, twirling his hat around in his hands while still paying complete attention to the curly haired boy. He smiles as if he has the slightest idea what the lad’s talking about, and suddenly Zayn wonders just how much he’s already like Woody, the kind guy who always tried his hardest to put the other toys first.
Zayn doesn’t know how long he just watches the boy, but when Liam begins to turn his head he blinks and goes back to playing with the sleeves of his costume. Mummy always says that it isn’t polite to stare, so he doesn’t risk it by looking back up at all.
“Thank you, Emily,” he hears Ms. Williams say, “Okay, class--why don’t you go wash-up in the bathrooms and meet me back in the dining room?”
Zayn looks at her briefly in silent question and she nods.
“You can change while you’re in there, Zayn. It’s a lovely costume--thank you for sharing it with us.”
When Zayn returns, having gone to his cubby to switch out his costume for his lunch box, he finds himself in the middle of the biggest debate he’s ever witnessed--it’s even worse than when Mummy asks what she should make for lunch and Doniya says something disgusting like “carrots.”
It’s Friday, and Fridays in kindergarten mean that you get to watch a movie during lunch.
There’s a pile of VHS tapes spread across the counter, with kids lunging forward from all sides to grab at one and show it to Ms. Williams.
The boy from earlier is holding up The Land Before Time, shouting over the rest that they should watch a movie about dinosaurs--the boy with the Curly hair seems to be in the middle of picking up The Little Mermaid when he drops everything to help the loud one in getting the teacher’s attention.
Zayn looks around the commotion, finding the only one not rushing around to be Liam who is standing quietly at the head of the table with a tape in hand. He doesn’t seem to be the only one distracted by the stillness amongst the chaos, because not even a minute later Ms. Williams is kneeling beside him to see what he’s chosen.
Zayn remembers what his Mummy says about staring, and purposefully looks away when the pair begin to talk. Instead he swings his lunch box back and forth at his side and wonders what kind of lunch she packed for him today. He’s almost decided whether he’s hoping for soup or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Ms. Williams is calling across the classroom.
“Liam, here, thinks he’s found a movie that we can all agree on,” she smiles, rubbing the boy’s back from where she stands beside him. “Why don’t you tell them, Liam?”
Zayn can see the faintest blush forming in the boy’s cheeks, and for a moment he wishes he could be Buzz and jump in to save him from being put on the spot like this. But just as quickly as it surfaced, it fades away and leaves Zayn confused.
“Well, there were a couple of movies left on the shelf and I found Toy Story in it. It’s actually got dinosaurs for Louis because of Rex, and then I think that Bo Peep is almost a princess like Danielle wanted...”
Zayn watches closely as the boy clears his throat and bravely looks around the room for agreement. When the brown eyes finally meet his own, Zayn finds himself nodding.
“Well, Zayn and I like it, at least... and that makes it the only movie that more than one person wants to see...”
Zayn hears a loud, “Oi!” from the corner of the room and turns to find the loud boy motioning between himself, his VHS tape, and the curly lad, but Ms. Williams doesn’t pay them any mind.
Instead, she rubs Liam’s back once more and takes the tape from his hands.
“I think that Liam has a great point, there. When you get older, you’ll learn about voting--that’s what big kids do when they want to decide things...” she explains as she reaches up to slide the tape into the VHS player, “Because Liam and Zayn both voted for Toy Story, it’s only right that we watch it.”
Doniya makes fun of Zayn for running when he gets excited, all the time. She says that there are things that someone should always run for--like ice cream trucks, or lightning bugs, or Christmas morning--but never anything that Zayn runs for. She scoffs at Zayn and ducks her head as he passes by her en route to some childish delight.
He doesn’t care, though--not now, as he passes by all the other students to grab the table closest to the TV. He sits on the edge, sets his Buzz Lightyear lunch box in front of him on the table, and breathes deep. Honestly, he never imagined that kindergarten could ever get any better than having recess time to play outside and “show and tell” to bring in the best toys. Getting to watch his favorite movie during his first week of school is something that Doniya would never believe--it’s something he can hardly even believe, himself!
She also tells him not to sing in public--it’s not cool unless you’re doing it with a group of friends--but he doesn’t pay that any mind, either.
Instead he sits there, sandwich in hand, singing along with You’ve Got a Friend in Me just because. He’s so immersed in the film that he doesn’t notice how long he’s been staring at the screen, how the rest of the class has sat down as well and has begun eating, while more of his sandwich has dripped onto the table than has made it to his mouth. That is--he doesn’t notice until he hears a chair squeak beside him and he turns to find Liam squirming excitedly about his seat.
He flashes a big smile at Zayn, so big that Zayn can spy where he’s already lost one of his teeth. Zayn tries his best to return the same face, but it just feels awkward... so instead he just says, “hi,” and lets his feet tumble one over the other like his stomach seems to be doing, folding over itself again and again.
His eyes drop to his food for a moment, comparing the mess he’s already made on his napkin to the clean arrangement of food spread out in front of the other boy, looking like the way Mummy might arrange his food if he were at home.
When he looks back up, Liam is no longer looking at him, but rather at the screen. Zayn looks him over carefully--the hat that’s no longer on his head but rather tied around his neck, the biggest smile across his face, and even wider eyes. He feels himself jump when the boy begins to speak again, hurrying to busy himself with arranging his juice and crips on the table.
“Cowboys are the best, you know?” the boy says dreamily, reminding Zayn of when Soniya talks about princesses and safaris.
Zayn’s mouth is half-way open to put up his usual defense that, “Nuh-uh! Spacemen are better!” along with how they’re like the even cooler version of policemen with lasers and spaceships. He’s half-way into his typical argument, when the glimmer in Liam’s eyes catches his attention and he knows he can’t do it.
“Spacemen are cool, too,” he mumbles, instead, finally taking a bite of his sandwich.
In between bites of his food, he manages to sneak a peek at both the screen and the boy beside him. It’s actually pretty nice to watch movies during lunch (not to say Zayn’s paying much attention to the film--the only “pretty” thing he sees is that sparkle in Liam’s brown eyes that shines so bright it makes him wonder if that’s what the stars look like close-up.)
Things get confusing, especially when he looks down and notices that he’s finished his lunch, then looks up to see that they’ve finished the movie as well. It’s the final scene, and Ms. Williams is going around making sure that they’ve disposed of their trash and put their containers back in their lunchboxes.
He doesn’t know how it happened, because he’s been watching the movie and paying attention all along. He’d only taken a few minutes to watch Liam and the little happy dance he does each time he takes a bite of his biscuit, wondering how happy he must make his friends just by being around them.
"Alright, now if you all put your lunchboxes away and form a line outside the classroom, we can still have a bit of recess before we come finish up your class work."
Of course, it doesn't take much to send the kids running. They've all seen the movie at least one and know how it ends, but Zayn and Liam still have to make sure that Buzz and Woody make it back to Andy safely.
Ms. Williams doesn't say anything, but waits for them to finish the film before she turns off the TV and begins rewinding the tape.
Zayn smiles at her as he picks up his lunchbox and runs off to his cubby. He doesn't turn around, but he hears Liam thanking her before he makes it to the door.
He doesn't bother making sure that his lunch box is standing up straight, that its not fallen on its side hiding the galaxy pattern it had taken his mother and him all summer to find.
It's not as if he does much at recess... The loud boy usually organizes footy games between the lads, but he never cared much for footy, anyway (maybe because no one ever taught him to play and the boys on his team get mad at him when he doesn't so what he's supposed to). He isn't nearly loud enough to cheer them on either, like the curly haired boy and some of the girls do. But usually he can find a nice space in the grass or an empty swing if Ms. Williams lets them on the big kids' playground, and it's kind of a nice change from following Doniya around all day, with his mother around town or with his puppy around the house.
Today he follows the line outside and makes himself comfortable in front of a nice patch of clover. His cousins told him that it's lucky if you find a clover with four leaves, they told him it means something really nice is getting ready to happen for you. Maybe if he finds a four leaf clover he can be the first boy astronaut, living life as a superhero in outer space, defending the world from aliens and asteroids.
He looks up when he hears the loud boy yelling for Liam, who is making his way past the pitch.
He can only make out bits and pieces of it.
"Where are you going?" "But we won't have enough..." "You are leaving us for..."
"Calm down, Lou!" Liam calls over his shoulder, "You're being dramatic again. Harry can play for me and one of the girls can take his spot as head cheerleader."
The boy turns to look at him, then. His brown eyes are much more intimidating in the daylight, Zayn thinks, less like the stars and more like the sun with there'd glow that's burning in them. It’s so bright it almost hurts his eyes.
With a second thought, he returns his attention to the patch of clover at his feet, dragging his fingertips through the little leaves. They fold over and lean this way and that. He wonders for a moment if clover can grow on the moon. He’s sure spacemen need luck to, sometimes.
He’s counting leaves on each stalk. One, two, three. One, two, three. Ek, do, tīn. One, two--
Suddenly, the leaves he had been counting are gone, lost beneath a brown shoe. He shoots the brown shoe a quick glare before looking up at it’s owner... Liam.
“Sorry if I’m interrupting something,” he says right away, not even giving Zayn enough time to get properly mad at him. “It’s just... the boys over there can be real jerks sometimes and, well, you seem nicer.”
His foot scuffs the ground, knocking over a few more clovers, but Zayn doesn’t think he cares much about them anymore.
“Too nice to be playing by yourself, anyway.”
If the red glow in his eyes weren’t enough, then the glow of his cheeks makes it clear--Liam really is the sun.
“You can sit with me,” Zayn finds himself saying before he has time to think twice, “if you want to...”
He’s grateful when the boy shuffles around a bit, dropping to the ground beside him.
“What are we doing?” he asks right away, fixing his legs so that he’s sat criss-cross-applesauce and smiling when Zayn turns to watch him.
Just like the sun, Zayn can’t look for too long. Instead, he smooths a leaf between his thumb and his fingers.
“Looking for a four leaf clover,” he says to the ground.
“What for?”
Before the question is even hanging in the air between them, another hand is searching beside his.
“For good luck,” he whispers, because it’s too important for anyone else to hear, “for our dreams to come true.”
He pauses for a moment, excited to have found one, but it turns out only to be two clovers curled around each other.
“For me to be a spaceman,” he sighs, leaning back on his hand and watching the clouds as they roll by, “and for you to be like Woody.”
It’s quiet for a minute, just the sounds of the other lads shouting in the distance and the gentle blow of the wind.
Zayn wonders how quiet it is in space, or the desert. He’s never thought much about it before, but suddenly he wonders how lonely it must be there--without anyone around you for kilometers in either direction. It’s not something anyone usually mentions when they talk about the job.
It could never feel much like home, he thinks, not with all the empty space around and no one to fill some of it up. Sunrises and sunsets have to be equally sad when there’s nothing waiting for you when it comes back around.
To be a spaceman or a cowboy, someone would have to have such awful luck.
“Is this is?”
Zayns pulled from dark deserts and empty space back to the busy schoolyard, to the sight of a four-leafed clover dangling from two fingers.
“That’s exactly it!” he cheers, unable to help himself, “How did you find it?”
“It was just in there...” he mutters with a confused expression as he points to the patch of clover.
Zayn can’t help but to run his fingers through the patch of clover, once again coming up empty.
He sighs to himself, for only a moment, before looking up at Liam and letting the genuine excitement shine through his face.
“That’s great, Liam! Now you have all the luck in the world on your side.”
He watches Liam’s eyebrows furrow as he inspects the clover more closely. He twirls the stem between his fingertips and tilts his head to inspect it from another angle.
“Is that so?”
Zayn nods once, licking his lips.
“My cousins, their grandparents always taught them these magical little things--like that if you find a horseshoe shaped like a ‘U’ it’s good luck and that you should never walk under a ladder. They told me all about them. And my sister, Doniya, says it’s good luck, too. Some kid in another class found one during recess once and his team won their footie matches for a week straight!”
He leans in just a little bit closer at that, counting the leaves once again, just to be sure. One, two, three four... definitely good luck.
“You really wanted to find one, too, huh?”
Zayn’s caught off guard by the question, by the fact that this boy was worried about him when he had just found the luckiest thing on Earth.
“Yeah...” he breathes, returning from kneeling in front of the boy to his spot on the ground, “But who wouldn’t, though? Everybody needs a bit of luck.”
It’s silent for a moment and Liam nods, still looking over the little plant.
“What would you have used the luck for?”
Zayn’s still curious as to why the boy cares so much, but he doesn’t spend as long rejecting the question this time.
“To be a spaceman, just like Buzz. To fly around the stars, fighting off space scum and saving the world.”
He must sound more excited than he means to, because Liam’s turned to look up at him now and is positively beaming.
“Zayn, are you my friend?”
Now, that’s one that he wasn’t prepared for. He’s never really had a friend before... well, he’s got his cousins and Doniya, but he’s never had anyone who wanted to be around him because they liked him, not just because he’s family.
He looks Liam up and down for a moment, shining-sun eyes and sunset cheeks to the careful fingers spinning the clover. Zayn thinks Liam looks like a friend ought to, someone nice who you can trust and not have to be “normal” around.
“Not yet,” are the words that finally break the silence.
“But what about next week?” Liam asks, dropping the hand with the clover to his lap so that it’s no longer standing between them, “Would you want to be my friend, then?”
Zayn wants to say that he can’t think of a single boy who wouldn’t want to be Liam’s friend, in a week or a month or tomorrow. He wants to say that it’s silly that someone like Liam, someone who looks out for other people and stands up for himself, too, would even ask someone like Zayn if he wants to be friends.
Instead, he nods, because that’s what his Mummy always tells him to do when he can’t exactly find the words.
“Here,” Liam says suddenly, offering the clover in his hands to Zayn.
His heart leaps at the offer, but he knows he can’t take it. It’s Liam’s. It’s his luck and he found it fair and square--if he’s not going to protect himself then Zayn will.
“Liam, it’s yours.”
“But I want you to have it.”
Zayn’s about to refuse again, but suddenly the sun eyes melt into those of his puppy.
“Li--”
“Zayn, I’ve already used all the luck I wanted from it. I’ve got a friend, the nicest friend who’s afraid to even take a gift away from someone. It’s already been lucky for me.”
Zayn looks over the little plant once more, thinking that maybe if they grew on the moon they could be used as peace offerings to all of the travelling aliens--everyone could be friends and they’d have no reason for spacemen in the first place. Instead, they could travel down to Earth and keep the cowboys company while they fight off tumbleweeds.
Zayn doesn’t think that’s how luck works, though, not really. He doesn’t remember his cousins or Doniya ever telling him that it was something you could just give to people. You have to be the one who finds it in order to use it’s luck.
Zayn doesn’t tell Liam that, though. He never could, with those wide eyes looking up at him, full of hope and sunbeams.
“Thanks, Liam,” he says, accepting the clover and feeling just how fragile it is in his hands.
It’s quiet for a moment, and Zayn knows that Liam’s watching him so he doesn’t let go of that grateful sparkle in his eyes. Instead, he pushes the plant around in his palm as softly as he can, making sure to look at it as if it’s the greatest thing in the world--because it is; Liam gave him it.
“What kind of luck do you want it for?”
Sure enough, when Zayn looks up Liam is looking at him like he’s a mirage in a desert, like there’s nothing better to look at. Liam must be a good friend like that, always making his friends feel like the most important people in the room.
Zayn thinks that’s exactly what he’ll use it for, to keep the best boy in the world right there by his side, looking at him like that. He’ll use it to have Liam talk to him and listen, too, without Zayn having to yell to be heard over the older kids like Doniya and his cousins. With his luck, Liam will think that’s he’s important enough how he is right now, not a big, exciting spaceman, but a boy with big dreams and a lot of things to say.
He can’t say that, though, so he only tells a half-truth.
“I want it to make me a spaceman and you a cowboy.”
Liam seems pleased by the answer, as his eyes grow impossibly brighter and he draws a bit closer. He looks from Zayn to the clover and back again before shutting his hand over Zayn’s, trapping the clover beneath their two warm palms. Zayn’s still not sure if luck and magic work this way, but he figures that the tingles pulsing up his arm must mean something special.
Without missing a beat, Liam locates the half-truth in the hope.
“Does that mean we’ll be best friends,” he whispers, like it’s a secret to be kept, and maybe that’s the feeling that brings the sunset glow back to his cheeks, “just like Buzz and Woody?”
Zayn nods once, and doesn’t think before he speaks, because Liam likes him even with all the things he probably shouldn’t say.
“To infinity and beyond.”