Chapter Text
(Years.)
(Thirty years. That was how long it had been since the Revenge fiasco.)
(. . .Well, okay, not really. It was more like a few months at most. But Hachet wouldn’t be lying if he said it felt like decades.)
Chef Hatchet: You better count yourself lucky for this one, boss.
(As he walked by, the various prisoners booed and jeered at someone. And he had a pretty good idea who it was…)
???: -And the Crimson Cockroaches take the lead over the Brutal Bedbugs!
(Finally, the Chef arrived to see the man of honour… or dishonour, if you were a lame person. McClean himself, watching some prison bugs “compete”. Even in an unwashed orange jumpsuit and with messy hair, Hatchet had to admit - Chris was still as charming as ever.)
Chris McClean: . . . Oh! One sec-
(The former host turned towards the glass pane imprisoning him, smiling creepily yet affectionately at the guest.)
Chef Hatchet: Prison ain’t keeping you down, eh?
Chris McClean: None of those bozos can EVER understand the Clean charm! Speaking of which, why are you here? Did the showrunners come crawling back like the leeches they are?
Chef Hatchet: Pfft, nah. They got executed by the government a while back for “repeated negligence” or whatever. Actually, I’m here cuz someone else wants you an’ me.
(Chris frowns at this, raising an eyebrow.)
Chris McClean: Really? Who could that-
??????????: Boo.
Chris McClean: WAUGH!
(Chris jumps back as a shadowy figure appears in the corner… of his own cell. No matter what, light never touches them as the darkness surrounds them like a strange aura. They do seem oddly handsome, however.)
Chris McClean: JEEZ LOUISE! Don’t do that, man-
??????????: Ha- sorry about that. It’s really boring not to do stuff for YEARS! No, seriously, do you know how long I’ve been kept to the side?
Chef Hatchet: Now hold on a moment! You never told me who you are!
(The unknown figure lounges back.)
??????????: Let’s just say I’m a copy of a… very great man who got his own free will after a long time of being out of service. But he isn’t important, I am! See, it’s around 2026 where I’m from, meaning I've been out of the game for a few years, and I want to ACTUALLY do something. My OWN thing, in fact!
(Both of the Total Drama hosts look at him, curious but excited.)
Chris McClean: So, like… what’s your proposition?
??????????: Great question!
(The shadowy figure summons a long scroll, filled with a long line of details. It touches the floor around the halfway mark.)
??????????: I’ll be your benefactor of sorts, providing you with ultimate power and resources - in exchange for you running your own NEW show, partially on my terms.
(Chris breaks into a big, wide grin hearing “NEW show”, but Chef seems much more skeptical.)
Chef Hatchet: Hold on a second. Where the hell is this “unlimited power” coming from??
??????????: Good question. Here’s a better answer.
(The figure pulls out something - small, yet intricate, floating, glittering and full of potential. Oh, and green. Very green.)
??????????: This right here? I call it the Emerald CPU. Made a copy from my original CPU, and while I don’t need it, I can give it to you by pushing it into your skin!
(The Total Drama hosts stare at the precious object, awestruck. Chris, in particular, looks like a child who just received a Nintendo Wii with Mario Galaxy on Christmas Morning 2007.)
Chris McClean: . . . Will it hurt?
??????????: Probably.
Chris McClean: Could I die from it?
??????????: There’s a good chance you wouldn’t survive, yeah.
Chris McClean: Would it allow me to live out all of my wildest fantasies with little to no consequence?
??????????: Sure!
(Without a doubt, Chris nips his thumb to produce a smidge of blood. Using it, he signs on the dotted line of the contract in very poor cursive, the red embedding itself into the paper. Chef looks disgusted.)
Chef Hatchet: You could have just. Asked for a pen-
Chris McClean: That’s for lame-os. You gotta have a little squick in your life, y’know.
??????????: Right you are, brother. Guess that’s that! Have fun lol.
(The mysterious figure suddenly shoves the CPU deep into Chris’s neck. Its little robot legs dig into McClean’s skin as he groans - not in pain, but in astonishment. Green lines flare throughout his arteries and veins, and his eye irises go emerald, as Chef watches with his own jaw completely open.)
Chris McClean: Yes… I can FEEL the POWER! VERY COOL, DUDES!
Chris McClean: I… AM… GOD!!!!!!!!-
(The prison EXPLODES in a massive mushroom burst of green, as anyone unlucky not to know of the conspiracy going on is vaporized to nothing within nanoseconds…)
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Home of the CN Tower and many other very large, impressive buildings. It’s like second-hand New York City in a way. I mean that affectionately.)
(A short distance away, on what seems to be an island untouched by man (but very much touched by nature), a man stands…)
Chris McClean: Yo! What’s up, my dudes!
(It’s the lucky bastard himself, sporting a new outfit! Well, it’s not really new. It’s just his normal outfit, but his clothes are 40 percent more green, which makes it technically new but not really.)
Chris McClean: Miss me? If you didn’t, too bad! I’m back and more ready to host the craziest game show to ever grace the air! And guess what? This time, I have near-FULL CONTROL! It’s amazing!
(Strangely, aside from Chris himself (and Chef hauling crates in the background), there are no crew members. No guys with cameras, or boom mikes, or even tortured interns.)
Chris McClean: And what’s better? This time it’s MULTIVERSAL! The games you play, the shows you watch? Yeah, we got characters from ALL of those, and we’re gotta put them through a minefield of challenges for…
(Drumroll.)
Chris McClean: . . . One wish! Whatever they want! Billion dollars, cloning machine, immortality potion, more wishes - I don’t care! But they gotta earn it first!
Lightning: Hell yeah! Lightning’s gonna wish to get ALL the ladies!
Chris McClean: Indeed!
Chris McClean: . . .
Chris McClean: Wait, hold on a second-
LIGHTNING (Total Drama series) - THE ATHLETIC ONE
(Lighting does a sick-ass pose like an archer.)
Lightning: That’s right, baby! Lightning’s coming back to get his first slash second one with his big guns! And this time they’re SHOTguns!
Chris McClean: Whu- Dude, All-Stars is dead! Like, six feet in the ground! Go home!
Lightning: . . . Really? Aw…
(Lightning begins to move away-)
Chris McClean: Wait a second. If we didn’t have you, we would have NINETEEN contestants… and primes are messy to work with. I guess you can stay, then.
Lightning: Oh YEAH!! Lightning’s king of the four to the five, baby!
(He kisses his magnificent biceps in celebration.)
Chris McClean: Anyways… I used my awesome magic-thingamagig to create portals to, uh, “borrow” people-
(He means kidnap.)
Chris McClean: And they should be coming in right about now!
(Suddenly, a large rift tears through the sky. Exactly nineteen people fall through it, landing in a large pile on the ground. Chris, of course, is very happy with this.)
Lightning: WHAT THE WHAT??
Zooble: Ow… what the actual F**K…
ZOOBLE (The Amazing Digital Circus) - THE UNENTHUSIASTIC ONE
(Zooble looks at themselves, seeing their claw hand.)
Zooble: Seriously?? I’m still like this???
Hajime Hinata: Urgh… I just felt like I fell out of a thousand-meter tunnel… ow, my hand…
HAJIME HINATA (Danganronpa) - THE RATIONAL ONE
Hajime Hinata: . . . Wait, who are-
Chris McClean: Chris McClean’s my name, comedic violence’s my game! You all get to-
(The host with the most is suddenly tackled by a mushroom. A very overgrown, purple mushroom.)
Chris McClean: ACK!
Night Cap: Who are you? What is your goal?? Did the Top Zombies send you???
NIGHT CAP (Plants vs. Zombies) - THE EDGY ONE
(McClean manages to push the fungi hero off of him.)
Chris McClean: Jeez, do I look like a zombie to you??
Night Cap: Explain why you are green then.
Chris McClean: Because I like it, what’s wrong with that??
Zooble: Usually, it means you're a leprechaun or some S**T.
Chris McClean: Haha, very funny. Anyways, you’re all here to compete on my very special new reality show-
Undyne: * WHAT? A reality show? Doesn’t look very REAL to me…
UNDYNE (Undertale) - THE HEROIC ONE
Chris McClean: Wha- yes it is!
Undyne: * Oh yeah? Explain THAT!
(She points to a… gumball machine.)
Benson: . . . You know I can see you, right?
BENSON (Regular Show) - THE ANGRY ONE
(The park manager marches up to McClean.)
Benson: Now, listen, buddy, I have a park to run. So you better get me back to where I was before or ELSE-
Chris McClean: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill out, everyone!
Amai Odayaka: Y-yes! He doesn’t seem to be harmful to anyone here…
AMAI ODAYAKA (Fuck you YanDev she's mine now haha) - THE SWEET ONE
Undyne: * Whatever. What’s this game show thing you’re ramblin’ about?
Benson: It better not be Fool Me Twice again… god I hated that…
(McClean simply puts up one finger.)
Chris McClean: IF you can outlast several gruelling challenges, your fellow contestants, AND my own fun (heh heh…) I will give you ONE WISH! ANYTHING you desire! Well, except stuff like “kill everyone”, obviously.
(Everyone looks… somewhere in the range between shocked and skeptical from this amazing claim.)
Amai Odayaka: W-wow! That sounds amazing…
Pizza Cookie: Can I wish for paying off my studies so I don’t have to work a dead-end greasy job? Would love that.
PIZZA COOKIE (Cookie Run) - THE HARD-WORKING ONE
Amai Odayaka:
Pizza Cookie: . . . Why are you. Looking at me like that.
Chris McClean: Yeah, you could do something like that… or you could wish for enough diamonds to fill up the oceans! You’d kill all the fish, but-
Rarity: Oh my, a limitless supply of gems? Oh, how wonderful it would be to give everypony clothing GLITTERED with the earth’s treasures!
RARITY (My Little Pony) - THE GENEROUS ONE
Chris McClean: . . . Okayyyyyyyyy . . . |:C
Narby: That’s just lame. You should wish for infinite money so you owe everything. And then make everything cost money. Even breathing.
NARBY (Eternal Towers of Hell) - THE RICH ONE
(Rarity gasps in horror at this.)
Rarity: What is… WRONG with you??
Narby: This is like standard capitalist schtick. You learn this in Henry Ford 101.
(Meanwhile, another woman observes the entire mess going down.)
Susie: Hmm… such a dilemma. While I’m sure the executives at Haltmann Works would need me, obtaining something as powerful as this “wish” could benefit us greatly in the long term…
SUSIE (Kirby) - THE ANALYTICAL ONE
(She then turns her attention to someone else, who is thumbing at McClean.)
Mina Ashido: Wow, what a weirdo. At least we have each other, huh?
MINA ASHIDO (My Hero Academia) - THE BUBBLY ONE
Susie: Indeed. Strength in allyship is most adequate for what is to come.
Naveen: . . . You have pink skin and no arms.
NAVEEN (Pokemon Legends Z-A) - THE INDIVIDUAL ONE
(They do not look happy with this remark.)
Mina Ashido: What is YOUR problem??
Naveen: Just sayin’ what’s on my mind. It’s kinda rude, but it’s true. Keeps me grounded.
(He turns away, walking off to somewhere else.)
Mina Ashido: Meanie… >:C
Susie: Just pay no mind to him. I’m sure everyone else here is much more considerate of others.
(We then pan over to Hajime, who is currently getting used to his surroundings and . . . uh . . .)
Xavier:
Hajime Hinata:
Hajime Hinata: Are you… okay? Your knees are… y’know… backwards-
Xavier: Ah, the wonderfully despicable world of modern television. Every day seen through the light of thinly-glittered glass, every night not a wink of sleep without a blink of doubt. I myself have been in the dark goo of “true” television at least seventeen and a half times. But now the goo spreads, like the Black Plague on a fat rat…
XAVIER (Xavier Renegade Angel) - THE RAMBLING ONE
Hajime Hinata: . . . What.
Xavier: Confusion, confetti, conmen! It all starts with a C, like the endless sea which surrounds my heart. Vote for lower surgery costs.
(Hajime is… yeah, no, he is incredibly tuned off).
Hajime Hinata: Ssssssure, I guess…
Saul Goodman: Wow, that’s a load of hot jargon garbage if I’ve ever seen one- and I’ve seen a LOT of it.
SAUL GOODMAN (Better Call Saul) - THE SLIPPERY ONE
Hajime Hinata: Please don’t tell me you’re just like him-
(Goodman immediately shakes Hinata’s hand.)
Saul Goodman: Name’s Saul Goodman. Proud public defender, and you can count on ME to guarantee your freedom!
(Hajime looks into his hand to see… There is now a business card.)
Saul Goodman: I know. It’s finely cut.
Hajime Hinata: Huh. That’s cool, I suppose-
Chris McClean: AHEM. Dudes, can I have the attention back? Cuz I’m the HOST and stuff?
(Everyone turns to see him. Well, except for one… who is busy on her phone.)
Chris McClean: . . . HELLO???
Akita Neru: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.
AKITA NERU (Vocaloid) - THE YELLOW ONE
(Her eyes are locked on her flip phone as she eyerolls.)
Rarity: Darling, how are you getting service around here-?
Akita Neru: Unlimited plan. Obviously.
Zooble: How does that- what-
Akita Neru: Leave me alone, please.
Chris McClean: Ugh, kids these days… 😒
Benson: So… this whole shebang starts when-
(Chris shushes him.)
Chris McClean: We still got a few more people to introduce, dude! Hold your horses! Or… your gumballs, hah.
Benson: >>>:C
Narby: Who the hell are these other people-
Hazard:
(He’s just standing there. Menacingly.)
HAZARD (Animator vs. Animation) - THE WARNING ONE
Narby: Ew! Get away from me, you… thing!
Hazard: 🚮
(The litter he produces is suspiciously Narby-shaped. Pizza Cookie snickers at this.)
Pizza Cookie: Dude, you are HILARIOUS.
Hazard: 🔛🔝
Night Cap: Hmph… looks like the majority of us are properly acquainted now. Some more than others…
(He side-eyes Lightning, who is… still kissing his biceps.)
Lightning: Lightning’s gonna go MULTIVERSAL in the powerscaling leagues, baby!
Amai Odayaka: Well then, I wonder who’s left!-
(Suddenly, another girl trips and falls onto Amai, causing both of them to fall to the ground.)
Amai Odayaka: Ah!
Rice Shower: Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I tripped and-
RICE SHOWER (Umamusume) - THE UNLUCKY ONE
Mina Ashido: Hah! Just watch your step next time. Silly! :3c
(Mina helps the other two girls up.)
Rice Shower: Again, really sorry about that… it’s just I’m a bit unlucky and all…
Amai Odayaka: It’s alright. We all have our missteps! As long as it wasn’t intentional, I forgive you.
(The baker girl gently pats the horse girl on the head. Rice blushes, as slight romantic music is heard.)
Mina Ashido: Aw!!!!!!
Naveen: . . . Is, like. Anyone else hearing that-
Stanley: {“Indeed”, Stanley replied as he looked over the vast water which surrounded his new home. “Though I can’t really be bothered to question it”.}
STANLEY (The Stanley Parable) - THE META ONE
(Saul stares, dumbfounded.)
Saul Goodman: How are you… Talking with no mouth? And no face movement, at that?
Stanley: {“Tis just the was I was born and definitely not some handsome unseen narrator”, Stanley shrugged.}
(Hajime also seems really confused.)
Hajime Hinata: Geez… I don't think this group can get any weirder-
Markiplier:
Hajime Hinata: Nnnnnevermind I take back my words and eat them through my nose.
MARKIPLIER (Come on.) - THE GAMER ONE
Markiplier: Hello everybody, my name is Markiplier and welcome to Five Nights at McClean’s! I got a lot of comments recently suggesting this and-
(Neru stops looking at her phone for a moment to whisper at Undyne.)
Akita Neru: Is this guy on something?
Undyne: * Temmie Flakes, probably.
Markiplier: -and now we go back to the main man himself, Mister Christopher “Not Bald” Mac Clean.
(Chris is frowning A LOT at this point, but with all attention going back to him, it quickly snaps back into a big grin.)
Chris McClean: Okay… now that we have the “ice-breakers” or whatever those are out of the way, it’s time to get into your TEAMS! Two of ten each, no more and no less!
Zooble: Ugh, how do we decide this? F**KING balance beam or something?
Chris McClean: Nah. Chef will do it for you!
(Suddenly, loud beeping noises are heard as a massive vehicle approaches. Driven by Chef, it appears to have a large divider at its end.)
Chef Hatchet: Normally, I don’t do one-off things just for “The Bit”, but… this is too good NOT to do!
(Pulling various levels (seemingly at random), Hatchet causes the divider to jank in all sorts of directions. Hitting people left and right with lots of pained noises, it slowly but surely results in two sides with ten of each. Hatchet does a chef’s kiss by the end of it all.)
Chris McClean: It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Xavier: Oh goodness! It appears that my leftular femur has decided to immigrate out of-
Chris McClean: No one cares. Now, team names have already been decided…
(As he says this, two flags drop from the sky onto both sides.)
TEAM CHRIS IS REALLY REALLY HOTTER: LIGHTNING, MINA, HAJIME, SAUL, PIZZA, AMAI, BENSON, HAZARD, RICE, ZOOBLE
TEAM ACTUAL VICTORY: RARITY, NIGHT CAP, SUSIE, UNDYNE, MARKIPLER, NARBY, XAVIER, NERU, NAVEEN
Chris McClean: A callback to the golden years is always sweet, isn’t it? Ah, World Tour, how much I miss you…
Zooble: These names suck A**.
Chris McClean: Well, too bad! Anyways, since you’re here, we might as well start the first challenge.
(Stanley raises an eyebrow.)
Stanley: {“But how can that be?” Stanley asked quizically. “You don’t seem to have any materials or locations prepared…”}
Chris McClean: That’s where you’re WRONG! Your first challenge… is to survive OBAMA!
(. . .Silence.)
Pizza Cookie: Erm. Who is that-
Markiplier: Oh yeah, it’s probably the guy standing over there with his arms crossed.
(Everyone turns their heads left to see… President Obama.)
Barack Obama: My fellow Americans. It is with great pleasure to be here.
Hajime Hinata: . . .
Lighting: Wait, Obama?? That's the seventh-best black guy! Eight is me, of course.
Akita Neru: You can’t be serious.
Chris McClean: What?
Naveen: That is. A normal-ass guy.
Undyne: * HA! I bet even the MUSHROOM could take him out in his SLEEP!
Night Cap: . . . Rude . . .
Barack Obama: Now, let me be clear. I am now going Ultra Instinct Saiyan Blue.
Susie: Wait, what does that-
(Obama now has spiky blue hair, an aura field and is floating in the air.)
ULTRA INSTINCT SAIYAN BLUE OBAMA (obunga) - THE AMERICAN ONE
Barack Obama: I still love my wife Michelle, by the way.
Rice Shower: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
TO BE CONTINUED.
Hey all! No vote-to-elim or vote-for-prize this time, but you CAN (and SHOULD) fill out this fun form!
https://forms.gle/5R8whfpqrZsdzDpd7
(Meanwhile, off in the distance, far beyond Total Drama Ultra Insanity…)
(Someone else is here.)
Dave Strider: i can’t believe those motherfuckers rejected me for a goddman pony. i’m gonna give that canadian a piece of my own mind. with my foot. in his mouth.
DAVE STRIDER (Homestuck) - THE REJECTED ONE
(As he begins to wander towards the wilderness, something… or rather, someONE, watches.)
??????????: You know, I should probably interfere. . .
??????????: . . . Nah, whatever happens due to this will be really funny.