Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Ah… ne, ne eomma. Of course not! I’m fine, promise--No, there’s no need to stop by! Everything is going well, I’ll come down soon, ne… goodbye eomma.” Joon Jae ended the call rather forcefully, chest rising and falling as if he’d just run a mile. He loved his mother, he really did, but sometimes she could be a bit… too much. He understood her worry; it always appeared around that time of year, when the city was covered in white and alight with the glow of Christmas. Ever since he’d moved out of the house and into the apartment complex, his phone buzzed with messages and calls from her during the holidays. He was a loner, and she knew that; Christmas wasn’t meant to be spent alone. Joon Jae trudged into the kitchen and pulled out hot cocoa mix, frown etched deep into his features. He’d never felt lonely during the Christmas season, or any season really, but for some reason, this year was different. A cold loneliness seeped deep into his bones and settled there, aching for human contact, and as much as he tried to ignore it, Joon Jae knew the cause.
Takuya. It had been months since his former roommate had left to return to Japan, but the gaping hole he left behind was still fresh as ever. Joon Jae felt it every time he turned to say something and no one was there, every time he pulled out a jersey and remembered Takuya’s strange Korean mistakes, whenever he went to sleep and there was no one beside him whispering good night. It hurt, though he tried to deny it, being stuck inside the quiet apartment after the months with Takuya warming the place. His presence had lit up the place like the sun, both warm and bright, and without him Joon Jae found himself more aware of his own loneliness than he ever had before.
Dear god he sounded dramatic. Joon Jae shook his head and focused back on his hot cocoa, left sitting there while he was lost in his thoughts.
Christmas was tomorrow, he mused as he poured hot water into the mug and stirred. Tomorrow people around the world would be waking up to presents and spending time with family and loved ones. Realistically, Joon Jae knew he could be too, if he went down to stay with his parents, but part of him knew he would be even lonelier if he tried. The apartment may have been near empty save for himself and the furniture, but it was still the closest connection he had to Takuya. Though in the back of his mind he chided him for being so pathetic, it didn’t stop him from sulking within the walls of his home.
It was bare of Christmas cheer, not a single decoration to be found. He had an old fake tree that his first roommate had left behind years before, but it felt useless to pull out. Who really cared about decorating anyway?

Joon Jae’s stomach gurgled, aching for food, and mindlessly he reached for a cup of ramen from the top cupboard. Takuya would have complained and made food for Joon Jae himself if he saw what Joon Jae was living off of again.

Or maybe he wouldn’t care. It had been weeks since he last heard from the other man anyway; though Joon Jae knew knew he should have expected it, it still hurt being forgotten. He’d vainly hoped there was more between them, that Takuya would still have interest in Joon Jae once he left back for Japan, but as the calls and texts went from several times a week to once a month if lucky, he’d come to terms with the truth.

With ramen and cocoa in either hand, Joon Jae padded into the living room and plopped down on the couch, grunting quietly. Almost robotically, he picked up the TV remote and flicked to a random channel, some hospital drama filling up the screen.  

Times passed without any notice as Joon Jae ate his food and let his mind wander, vision blurring. The noodles were a bit overcooked, soggy and slightly deteriorated when they hit his tongue, but he paid no mind. Food was food. Without realizing it, hours passed by, and when Joon Jae next looked up, it was mere minutes from midnight.

The city had quieter just a bit, as if everything was holding its breath, waiting for Christmas to come.

The clock flicked to midnight and Joon Jae sighed, pulling his blanket back around his shoulders.

“Merry Christmas to me.” He murmured into the empty room, chin resting on his knees. There’s no reply, not that he expected, but still it hurt.

With the TV on just low enough to be a constant hum, the lights turned off around him, Joon Jae found his eyes slipping closed, breath evening out as sleep came over him. He blinked slowly, trying to fight it off, but moments later he drifted off, eyes fluttering close as unconsciousness took over.

A knock on his door roused Joon Jae, jolting him from his dreams. His head turning just slightly to glance in its direction, hand on his chest to calm his racing heart. He listened for a moment, waiting for another knock, but it was silent. Probably just the landlord come to bother him again for something or another. A quick glance at the clock told him it was a quarter to three, and Joon Jae sunk back into the couch, wrapping the blanket further around himself. Nope, it was too late for that shit. A moment later the knocking picked up again, slightly sharper. Joon Jae groaned and sat up, glaring tiredly at the door. Who the hell was so intent on bothering him?
“Go away!” He half-yelled, pulling the blanket over his head. The knocking paused, then began once more, even louder and more insistent. Joon Jae swore under his breath and pulled himself up from the couch, blinking away the spots of light that came from standing up too quick.
“Coming, I’m coming.” He grumbled, making his way towards the door with the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders. The knocking continued, growing louder with each step. Anger flared up and Joon Jae wrenched the door open, eyes narrowed.
“Fucking hell what do you wa-” Joon Jae paused, heart catching in his throat, hand reflexively tightening on the door knob. The man on the other side smiled and dropped his hand to wave shyly.
“Hi hyung.” His voice was light and sweet, just as Joon Jae remembered it. “Merry Christmas.”
Joon Jae blinked, still trying to process that what he was seeing in front of him was really, truly there.

“Joon Jae?” Takuya’s soft smile fell a bit, shoulders dropping. “Sorry, I know it's a bit late,my-”

Without a word, Joon Jae’s hand shot out and caught Takuya’s coat, dragging him inside with enough force to send Takuya tumbling forward. Before he could fall though, Joon Jae was catching him and pinning him to the wall, hands on either side to prevent escape. The door slammed shut beside them, but neither paid any mind to it, eyes locked on each other and breathing heavily.
“Joon Jae…” Takuya whispered breathlessly, hands clutching at the front of Joon Jae’s thin t-shirt.
“Takuya…” Joon Jae rasped, leaning in closer.
“Is there a nail..?” Takuya tried to joke, lips quivering. The memory has Joon Jae quirking his lips, eyes glittering with laughter.
“Not this time.”