Work Text:
"Let's not fall in love, okay?"
The words that leave Seunghyun's mouth catches Jiyong by surprise. He nods before his brain can process what he just said. Seunghyun seems satisfied with the response, tugs up his jeans and promptly leaves the room. Jiyong frowns at his departing body. He still laid on the sheets half naked, body still recovering. He knows Seunghyun left the room by the sound of the door clicking shut.
Let's not fall in love
As if it were that simple.
Ever since Jiyong suggested that they could 'help' each other occasionally, he realized that he likes it more than he's supposed to. It was supposed to be purely friends with benefits with no romantic feeling, but everyday Jiyong is falling more and more in love. He can't help it. Seunghyun is so nice, and he makes Jiyong feel so happy, he can't help but fall in love. But Jiyong knows Seunghyun does not like him back. They are friends, and should stay that way. Besides, Jiyong doesn't want to ruin the friendship they have going on.
Jiyong leans against the smooth marble countertop of the bar, sipping on a glass of beer. His mind is fuzzy from alcohol, his movements sluggish. But he likes it. He likes the way he doesn't have to think under the influence of the liquor coursing through his veins.
He must have one many drinks, because seeing a crowd of girls flock around Seunghyun made him ache more than it should have. His heart races and his chest pounds but he tries to ignore it, directing his attention to the beer in his hands. It doesn't matter that Seunghyun is single again. He is his best friend, and he can't afford to lose someone like him.
Jiyong sips his beer and his gaze flits back to where Seunghyun is. There was now a pretty little brunette sitting too close to him, her fingers toying with his shirt buttons and his hand placed too high on her thigh. Jiyong knows he has no right to feel jealous, but jealousy churns in his stomach as he made his way to Seunghyun despite the last sober part of his brain telling him not to.
"You're in my seat," Jiyong says bluntly. The girl looks up and rolls her eyes but doesn't move. Seunghyun frowns at him, a darkness in his eyes Jiyong rarely saw. When he sees none of them made an effort to move or respond, he grabs her slender wrist in his hands and forcefully drags her away. She catches herself and scoffs, flipping her hair in Jiyong's face as she walks away.
Jiyong's a bit annoyed and surprised that she didn't cry or complain, but he's more surprised to get pulled by his collar into Seunghyun's face. But the look on his face was far more than friendly. That pretty face of his was contorted with more annoyance and anger than Jiyong has ever seen, and he forgets what he was going to say.
"You're so selfish," Seunghyun spits out. Jiyong stares, surprised. Seunghyun shakes him with a strong hand still gripped tightly on his collar. "I don't know why you keep doing this. I've tried to ignore you whenever you drive the girls away from me, but this is too much. We aren't dating. Just because we fuck doesn't mean you can control who I want to touch, okay? You're such a fucking brat, Jiyong."
The words stab straight into Jiyong's heart. It bleeds, hurt by the venom laced in the deep voice he loves to hear. The way Seunghyun glares at him makes it obvious he meant it to hurt. Jiyong opens his mouth to retort something back, but closes it. He tears himself out of Seunghyuns grip and goes back onto the dance floor before the tears can catch up to him.
He drinks more and dances more, spending more time at the bar than he would have. He sees Seunghyun a few times, still sitting there flocked by girls. At one point Seunghyun gets up and leave, but Jiyong makes no effort to follow him. What was the point?
Well past midnight, Jiyong drunkenly shows up at Soohyuk's house asking to spend the night. He doesn't want to go back to the apartment and see Seunghyun in the state of his. Thankfully, Soohyuk's kind souls lets him in without questions. Jiyong passes out on his couch without saying much to his host. He feels a soft blanket being draped over him as his eyes close.
Jiyong sleeps a dreamless sleep. It feels good, for once. Except when he woke up.
Being hungover was something he was used to, but it didn't mean he liked it. Jiyong flounders around a flustered Soohyuk in the morning, trying to get his shit together but he couldn't. He spills everything about himself and Seunghyun, and Soohyuk doesn't seem surprised.
"Was I really that obvious?" Jiyong asks miserably.
"You weren't subtle, Jiyong." Soohyuk says. "Honestly, I'm surprised Seunghyun doesn't know."
Jiyong pouts. Soohyuk smiles in apology and makes him more tea.
At nearly noon, Jiyong stumbles back into their apartment with a splitting headache. No one is there except for Seunghyun, sitting at the counter, staring at nothing. It was almost like he was waiting for him.
"Where have you been?" Seunghyun turns to stare at Jiyong. His voice isn't sympathetic or guilty, but harsh and almost judgy.
"Why does it matter?" Jiyong snorts. "It didn't seem like you cared about me last night. Why care now? Was fucking that brunette whore not exciting enough? Did her pussy not feel as good as mine? Do you not get hard seeing her like you do seeing me?"
Jiyong would normally never dare to be this bold, but Seunghyun really hurt him last night and he was hungover and in a sour mood. Seunghyun stiffens, gets up, and stands right in front of Jiyong, his tall body looming over Jiyong's. Jiyong doesn't falter, just stares right back at him.
"When did you become so arrogant, Jiyong?" He tsks. His voice lost some of its anger, instead gets replaced by some sort of sarcastic curiosity. His eyes look Jiyong up and down. He feels naked under Seunghyun's gaze. "You're not like the person I know at all."
"Maybe you just don't know me," Jiyong folds and crosses his arms. "I'm sorry we've spent so much time fucking that we haven't even had a proper conversation."
"You know plenty well that I know you just as well as you know me."
"Do I really know you?" Jiyong murmurs, half to himself. If he really knew Seunghyun, would he still have such strong feelings anchored in him?
Seunghyun rubs his temple with his fingers and turns around. "Go shower and go to bed. You're a fucking mess right now."
Jiyong scoffs and storms to the bathroom. His head is pounding, but that doesn't compare to the pain in his chest from Seunghyun's scoldings. His best friend hates him. All because he couldn't control his dumb feelings.
He gets into the cold shower, not bothering to turn the heat up. He doesn't care. The freezing water is nothing compared to losing Seunghyun. He stays there for longer than normal, allowing the tears that had been held back flow. He cries his heart out for Seunghyun.
Jiyong finally drags himself out of the shower and trudges to his room. He can feel Seunghyun staring at him, but he ignores him and slams the door shut. His bed seems to calling his name, so soft and warm and definitely won't lash out on him. Jiyong sighs and dives under the blankets. It's okay if Seunghyun doesn't want him. He already expected that. The only thing left he wanted was to keep Seunghyun as a friend.
Some sad song plays quietly in the background as Jiyong lays on his back and stares at the ceiling. It had only been a couple days after Seunghyun lashed out at him, and his world felt like it had feel apart since then. He does nothing but mope around all day, listening to depressing songs and sleep.
He's still there at practice, doing the bare minimum, hitting his marks, singing but with half the passion. His spark that usually fills the air disappears. He stops moving around and yelling at everyone. He stops improvising and stops caring. He does what he's told and eats what in front of him and stops when it feels pointless.
The others notice. They always do. But no one dared to step into his zone. Where ever he walks, a thunderstorm follows. They were all too scared of him. But also they were all worried for their leader who seemed to had gotten into a depressed trance.
"What has gotten into him?" Daesung asks Seunghyun worriedly one day. Jiyong turns his head towards the two from where he was on the couch.
Seunghyun shrugs. His eyes flicks over to Jiyong for a split second, and he swears he sees guilt and concern. But Seunghyun turns away and Jiyong assumes it's a trick of the light.
But there are small gestures Jiyong is aware of that they start doing. Daesung talks louder and cracks jokes in hopes of riling him in. Youngbae gives Jiyong his extra food and make sure he eats well. He is grateful for them, but this is a battle he needs to fight himself.
Seunghyun notices the most. Jiyong doesn't need Seunghyun to say it. He knows it. He sees the way Seunghyun hesitates when Jiyong is near, the way his footsteps stop at his door before going away again. Nothing ever happens, though. It isn't like he expects anything, anyways.
Jiyong turns his head and sees the closed door to Seunghyun's room. It's closed more often than not nowadays. If only he waited.
What was he even waiting for? For Seunghyun to apologize for yelling? For him to build up the courage to just tell Seunghyun how he felt?
Probably for Seunghyun to look at him the way he used to when nothing else mattered. For when they could be friends even with the benefits. Jiyong let out a slow breath as the outro to the song fades.
Youngbae eventually drags Jiyong up for breakfast. He sits there, watching Daesung cook. The pan sizzles and the steam rises from the rice cooker, and Jiyong lets himself relax in the familiarity of it all.
Suddenly, a bowl of his favorite soup is placed in front of Jiyong. He knows it's Seunghyun without the need to look up. Their fingers brush briefly as Seunghyun moves his hand away and Jiyong involuntarily flinches.
"Jiyong," He says softly.
Jiyong stares into the bowl of soup. He doesn't feel hungry anymore. A sour feeling gnaws at his stomach. "I'm not hungry."
"That's not what I—"
"I've got stuff to do." Jiyong stands up abruptly and leaves to his room. He quickly changes, grabs his stuff and leaves the room.
"Where are you—" Seunghyun is still there when Jiyong heads towards the apartment door.
"No where you'd be interested in." Jiyong puts his hand on the door handle. His heart aches, but he pushes it away. He is strong enough to do push through this.
"Jiyong, listen to me, please?"
He almost thinks of staying and letting Seunghyun say what he wants to say. Letting himself hear the truth come from Seunghyun's mouth.
Then he remembered the words that Seunghyun said that started all of this, and leaves the apartment without another word.
Jiyong spends the rest of the day cooped up in a studio. He does what he always does when he's stressed and tired and happy and bored and energetic. He writes music.
It starts with the words that started this whole thing.
Let's not fall in love
He can hear Seunghyun's voice clearly in his head. Jiyong laughs bitterly and adds more.
We don't know each other very well yet.
Honestly, I'm a little afraid, I'm sorry
The melody forms in Jiyong's head. It sings a soft chord in his head, broken but hopeful.
Let's not make any promises,
We don't know what tomorrow holds.
Jiyong stops, swallows, than picks up his pencil again.
Either way, I really do love you.
He crosses that line out. It's too blunt, too straightforward. Jiyong frowns and wipes a small tear forming on his eye.
But I really mean it when I say "I like you"
Jiyong's chest tightens.
By the time he picks up his phone, its already nearing midnight. The song is mostly finished. He feels like he had settled a little bit of that hurt building up in his chest.
"Let's not fall in love," Jiyong breathes out, closing the lights. Seunghyun's words, not his.
Seunghyun knocks on his door three days later. Jiyong know's it's him. He always does. The way he pauses at the door before knocking, the way his knocks are always the softest out of any of them, the soft rhythm he always creates. His chest tightens a little at the thought of it.
"What do you want, hyung?" Jiyong asks flatly. He's laying on his back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
"Can I come in?"
Jiyong exhales. He'd have to face this sooner or later. "Sure."
The door slowly creaks open and Seunghyun steps him. He looks around nervously, standing there quietly, hands in his pocket. For a second Jiyong just wants to run up to him and hug him and kiss him breathless and run his hands up and down his sides, but he has no energy. He has had no energy since the day Seunghyun yelled at him.
"Jiyong..." Seunghyun starts. "You've been acting weird. You haven't been talking to anyone and you're so lifeless. What's going on with you?"
Jiyong laughs quietly. "You really don't know."
"That's why I'm asking." Seunghyun frowns. Jiyong sighs. He sits up and faces Seunghyun. Jiyong's eyes are red and puffy, his hoodie stained and unwashed. He knows he looks like shit in front of him. Seunghyun's eyes soften at the sight of him. Jiyong imagines switching spots with Seunghyun. If he'd seen Seunghyun all depressed and messed up, would he feel sorry?
"You yelled at me." Jiyong says softly. His chest hurts at the thought of it again. "It sounded like you hated me. I was so fucking hurt."
"I know I overstepped a bit there," Seunghyun says. "I shouldn't have. But you know we aren't—"
"I know." Jiyong interrupts. "You don't have to say it again."
Silence stretched on for a few seconds.
"Then why are you acting like this?" Seunghyun asked, almost desperately.
"You wouldn't understand," Jiyong voice cracks and he hates how it makes him sound. Small and scared and insecure like a fucking baby. How could he lead his group if he couldn't even hold a conversation with Seunghyun? His best friend?
"Just tell me. Maybe I will," Seunghyun insists. He's always been stubborn. Jiyong's heart aches even more at the sight of him. "I'm sorry if its about me yelling at you, it was a mistake and I won't do that ever again, but I hate this and I just want for us to be friends again."
"What if I want something more than that?" Jiyong whispers before he can stop himself. There it is. The bottle of feelings and emotions and whatnot has been uncapped and tipped over and spilled. There's no more chance of collecting it back. He has to tell him now. Seunghyun's eyes widen and he goes still. Jiyong flinches and curls his knees up to his chest.
"W-what...?"
Jiyong laughs, wet and breathless. Tears are already falling out of his eyes and he wipes at them with the sleeve of his shirt. "You said not to fall in love. Like I could just stop. Like I hadn't already fallen."
"Ji—"
"You're the person I trust the most," Jiyong sniffs. "You're the person I can tell everything to, you're the person I love being with the most, you're the person I've spent the last God knows how long pining over. Yes, we fuck and shit, but I like you outside of that. I love how you touch me and listen to me and laugh and smoke and do stupid shit with me even when we're not in bed. So forgive if I think we had something together."
Seunghyun stares at him dumbly. He opens his mouth, then closes it again.
"I tried so hard to pretend to be normal about it," Jiyong continues. "I tried to act like I was just your best friend who wasn't completely in love with you, but I couldn't. I want you, Seunghyun. I have for so long, but I can't lose a friendship like ours, so I kept all my feelings away. But I can't do this anymore, Seunghyun. Please don't make me."
"I...I don't..."
"Look, I'm not asking anything from you okay? I know you don't feel the same way as me, so leave me if you want. You don't have to keep sleeping with me anymore, now you know how I feel about you. You don't even have to be my friend anymore." Jiyong looks away. He knows that's a lie. If Seunghyun stopped being his friend altogether, Jiyong would fucking lose it.
"How do you know I don't feel the same?" Seunghyun finally says quietly. Jiyong looks at him, apathetic. He doesn't mean what Jiyong thinks he means, right?
"What do you mean?"
"You think it didn't hurt me to say that?" Seunghyun runs a hand through his hair. He looks like he's about to explode. "To tell you not to fall in love when—"
Jiyong thinks he won't finish that sentence, that he would chicken out or say something else, but it comes anyways.
" —I already had?"
Jiyong blinks.
"I just didn't say anything because I thought it was going to ruin us. It could end so badly, and I didn't want that to happen, so I thought being friends was the best choice."
Jiyong let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "Sometimes I really don't get you, Seunghyun. What was all of this for? The friends with benefits? I don't even know what to think."
"What do you want me to say?" He says it almost exasperatedly, like Jiyong is in the wrong.
"Everything. The entire story. You owe me that much, at least." Jiyong pats the area of bed next to him. A small smile appears on Seunghyun's face and Jiyong's heart aches a bit more.
"How do I start this?" Seunghyun murmurs, sitting down.
"When did you realize you liked me?" Jiyong asks.
"A bit after we started fucking. A month, maybe." Seunghyun answers without hesitation. That was more than a year ago. He kept his feelings away for a year? Jiyong's somehow amazed neither of them caught onto the other.
"And you didn't say anything?" Jiyong says painfully. Seunghyun looks at him with a sort of sadness in his eyes, but it's more like reminiscence.
"I thought that you didn't like me back." Seunghyun says. "There are so many wonderful people out there, why would you choose me?"
"You idiot." Jiyong sniffs. "I would choose you over any guy out there."
Seunghyun laughs nervously. Jiyong smiles and impulsively climbs into Seunghyun's lap, nuzzling his face into his neck. Seunghyun's arms immediately wrap around him, one hand carding through his hair.
"We're both kind of stupid, aren't we?" Jiyong mumbles into Seunghyun's neck. He smells so good, so Seunghyun, he can't help but pepper kisses along his neck, sucking hickeys here and there.
"We are," Seunghyun sighs, letting out a soft moan at Jiyong nipping at his throat. "I can't—fuck—believe it took us this long to get here."
Jiyong looks up and holy shit Seunghyun looks so good, his hair all tussled up and lips red and wet from licking and biting. He wants nothing more than to kiss him breathless, but he has one more question on his mind.
"Why were you so mad at me that night at the club if you wanted me so badly?" Jiyong asks softly. Seunghyun's face is filled with guilt but he answers.
"I was trying to move on from you." He says. "I gave up trying to have you, so I went after the girls at the club. Then you came and took them away from me, and I guess I got so mad, that you would be my boyfriend, but you won't let me have other girls, that I just lashed out. I know I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Jiyong murmurs and holds Seunghyuns face in his hands. "You can be my boyfriend now, if you like."
"I would love to be yours," Seunghyun says, and then soft lips are on his, and they fall backwards on the bed, Jiyong climbing on top of Seunghyun. He tastes better like this, knowing that they're together now, like honey and wine and cigarettes. Jiyong licks into his mouth, desperate to get more.
"Someone's desperate, huh?" Seunghyun pants. Jiyong glares at him.
"Just fuck me already."
"If you say so, princess."
Jiyong wakes up the next morning, a warm body pressed against his back. This is the first time Seunghyun has stayed after sex, and it makes Jiyong so happy. He smiles as strong arms pull him closer towards the warmth.
"Good morning, hyung," He whispers.
"Morning, princess," Seunghyun's voice is deep with sleep.
Yeah, he could get used to this.