Chapter Text
Universal Man had been given this assignment because everyone else was busy. He knew that, of course and he had said as much to his NSA handler, that spineless fool. It wasn’t something he particularly minded, though because did it really matter that Universal Man had been sent to infiltrate and destroy Baron Von Ruthless’ compound because Meta Man and Dynaguy were busy? No, Universal Man didn’t think it mattered at all. All that mattered was that he was the one doing it instead of someone else. And that achievement, that glory when he came back having done his duty and saved so many lives? That would be worth it. That would be exactly what he needed.
Maybe then the world would finally see that it wasn’t about his ‘secret identity’ or who he was under the mask, they might finally understand that he was Universal Man. He was a hero.
The latest of the egomaniacal supervillain’s not-so-clandestine bases was a sprawling bunker buried deep beneath the Sahara, a place far from hospitable for some of his competition who would certainly struggle to operate in such an environment– especially with the shining sun baking down from above. According to his briefing, the Baron intended to launch some kind of missile-based superweapon to wreak havoc in the atmosphere, so it was of the utmost importance that he sabotaged the base and its weapons systems so the army could dismantle it, boots-on-the-ground. Well, Universal Man mused to himself with a faint smirk, the one thing any underground bunker absolutely required was air vents to the surface to keep oxygen circulating the hallways beneath. A terrible way to gain entry to such a compound, given all of the sensors and security there would doubtless be within such a ventilation system designed by the Baron, but for him? For Universal Man? Not a problem at all.
Sucking in a deep breath, a pleasant focus settled throughout the superhero as the ever-unsettling sensation of his density decreasing rippled through every atom of his body. It was like every part of him was becoming less real, less physical; Universal Man could recall with a faint shiver of sorrow when one of his many ex-girlfriends had described him as ‘like a ghost’. People never thought about their words before they said them. Shaking himself from his reverie to focus on the task at hand, Universal Man’s form almost seemed to shimmer, turning at first from solid to a little like static on a television, to more like a barely-visible cloud of Universal-Man shaped gas.
Satisfied with his change and the results, Universal Man allowed himself to rise higher and higher above the dunes in search of the tell-tale signs of a vent hidden in the sand: a dune that was too flat, the shine of metal in the sun, unnatural colours. It took quite some time but he didn’t particularly mind, there was always something so calming about flight when he was in this state. The wind never blew in his face and chafed like he had heard Stratogale complain of at the last NSA picnic, for his form was dispersed enough for it to simply travel between the atoms that made up his body and mind. Instead he simply flew and floated through the air, a disconnected stream of stuff that could see the world from so far away. And after an hour or so spent in that vantage point, he saw it: just one weakness, a faint shining spot in the sunlight that, as he descended to get a closer look, became clearly the grille of an air vent.
Universal Man scoffed; or at least, he made a noise as close to scoffing as he could manage in this state (a faint whisper of air and wind) at the sight of the vent cover. It had been painted the same colour as the sand but months of abrasion and grit had scratched much of the disguise away, leaving it clear as day where Baron Von Ruthless was hiding. Another victory for Universal Man! Descending through the villainous base’s only weakness, Universal Man’s enthusiasm was quick to falter and fade as realisation of his next step set in: he had nothing ahead of him but a labyrinth of vents, ducts and fans ahead of him until he found an obviously critical system or enough clues to identify and locate one.
On the plus side, he at least knew he was in the right place, given the disembodied and moustachioed top hat that represented Baron Von Ruthless printed on one of the vent walls. Now, Universal Man could not be said to lack the understanding of the importance of branding in his endeavours. There was a reason he took the chance to remind every single person he rescued and protected exactly who their saviour was, after all. But this? This was excessive. Who would even see it besides infiltrating supers?
Oh. Right. It was meant for Universal Man.
After taking a moment to refocus upon his mission, Universal Man began to flit through the massive network of ducts and vents in search of something that mattered.
His first escape from the confined, shiny and vaguely claustrophobic ventilation system interior was a cramped, darkened room full of shelves and mops. It took Universal Man only a mere moment to realise that this was a janitor’s closet. What sort of self-respecting janitor would work for such a scoundrel? Perhaps none at all and the Baron had constructed this room in vain. Perhaps the compound lacked polished floors. He rather hoped so, for he knew from accounts that the Baron was a vain, aesthetics-obsessed man. Such a lack of well-shined tiles would surely demoralise the villain.
Retreating back into the grille he had entered from, Universal Man spent what felt like hours surrounded by cold metal and the constant, grating thrumming sound of fans and pumps working at top speed to deliver cooled air to the compound. Why was the system so extensive? It simply didn’t make sense to him. After all, much air needed to be delivered but based on the seismographic readings his handler had shown to him it was simply surplus to requirement. At the very least, that incessant logo was plastered in every spot it could be.
They were, however, yet more reminders of the importance of Universal Man’s task and the acclaim he would surely, finally receive upon having completed it.
It was as he was continuing to flit through those incessantly endless, maze-like vents that something struck Universal Man: they were getting wider. And as Universal Man had long ago learned about evil masterminds, wider meant more important. Or bigger did, anyway. Were wider and bigger equivalent? Probably, Universal Man wasn’t one to consider the minutiae of words and definitions, that was more the territory of smug irritations like Stormicide. Oh, you’re so impressive, with your expulsion of gases, we’re all so impressed by your ability to give off oxygen to some trapped and air-deprived cavers so they don’t suffocate, yes please do take potential assignments and missions away from Universal Man. It’s not like he doesn’t need them or anything!
Banishing the memories of one of his less-favoured peers to one side, Universal Man would have rubbed his hands together with glee if they were actually tangible enough to do so, for now he had come upon something that truly was important. A great big metal tube, hideously tall and extremely large with dozens and dozens of ducts going off of it in various directions. This had to be the central air compressor for the whole base, and destroying it would wreak havoc, if not put a hard time limit on how long Baron Von Ruthless and his evil underlings could occupy it before they had to retreat for fresh air.
And to destroy such a fragile thing was a matter of ease. All it would take was the opposite extreme.
Descending to the very bottom of the compressor, Universal Man felt as every molecule in his body, every atom, began to draw gradually closer and closer together. It took a while, something his handler described as a ‘weakness’. Pah! As if Universal Man had any true weaknesses, he was indestructible! Before too long had passed, the body of the super had reformed into its typical state, but now it was growing denser and denser, heavier and heavier. Visually, it looked no different, but he knew already from experience that there was very little out there that could hurt him now; Universal Man’s skin was stronger than steel and more durable than the very greatest of mountains.
And he kept going, and going. In tests, this was about the point that small objects like pencils and such would be attracted to the gravity well being created around him. Universal Man loved this aspect of his power most; that stuck-up super in The Thrilling Three, Apogee. Hah! She may have been able to create gravitational waves, but they were so weak in comparison and she was solar powered. Whoever had heard of a superhero needing solar power? Certainly not Universal Man! He was unstoppable!
The very first sign that something was wrong was the sound of groaning from the metal skin of the compressor, which was being drawn towards the rapidly-growing gravitational force of the man sat at its very bottom. The process of gaining density was exponential, for though he required his powers to begin the process (and survive it), the density itself helped compress him further and further. Before long, the entire structure of the compressor was creaking and groaning, letting out the noise of distress that came from metal under immense strain. Outside, Universal Man could faintly hear the beeping of an alarm system and the barked orders of some nefarious managerial type.
Let them do their worst, for there was no defeating Universal Man. He was inevitable! He was unstoppable! He was invincible! He was Universal! Getting to his feet (with a loud clanging noise), Universal Man struck a pose ready for the moment that the evil machine gave way around him.
And that moment came just a few seconds later, when the delicate machine reached its breaking point. A single bolt, the weakest place in the whole structure, that singular load-bearing point that stitched two sheets of the surface together. Under the growing force of what was nearing the gravity of a relatively dense planet or moon, that bolt finally gave way with the clatter of metal, striking Universal Man and sticking to him as if magnetically attracted. For lesser supers, such a thing would be painful but Universal Man felt no pain! His skin was stronger than diamonds and not even a tank shell could scratch him! He was unstoppable!
With that load-bearing bolt gone, the failure of the compressor’s structure was inevitable and a mere moment or two later the steel tore itself free of the constraints of order and shape with a resounding clang and snap, alarms buzzing and red lights flashing in the brief glimpse of the room that Universal Man got before the metal had obscured his vision. Shouting out loud in his booming, resounding tone, Universal Man struck a pose he had ‘adapted’ from Dynaguy. “Cower in awe and terror before the indestructible might of… Universal Man!”
It was a shame that the worthless henchmen probably couldn’t hear him over the sound of their gunshots resounding uselessly off metal and flesh.
Then it was back to the age-old problem he’d encountered in training. The laws of physics were on his side just a few mere moments ago, but now Universal Man had to fight them. That gravity sought to pull everything in, including him. And the denser he got, the stronger that force would become. According to the eggheads back at the NSA who had done some practical tests, apparently Universal Man had the capability of destroying the whole planet if he let those forces do as they wished: he would simply collapse into a black hole, taking the whole planet with him. This was, of course, far from Universal Man’s favourite idea, which left him using his power to fight the force of gravity and maintain his current density.
As if this were a mere stroll through Municiburg’s many parks, Universal Man began to walk along the floor, the metal skin of the compressor riddled with bulletholes where it clung to him. It was useless as armour, but Universal Man had no need for armour when his skin was denser than… well, skin. Each footstep sent cracks spiderwebbing across what were (to his dismay) rather well-shined tiles. So, Baron Von Ruthless had a heinous janitor or two in his employ after all. No matter, this bunker would be nothing at all by the time Universal Man was finished with it!
He was quickly, however, met with the first obstacle to his mission: the floor of the room was sunken and set lower than the entrance and the stairs up were hollow metal. They would surely buckle and break beneath him and with the Baron’s dastardly henchmen firing upon him, Universal Man could not afford to decrease his density one bit.
It was then that an idea struck him: surely the bunker would have some foundations and structural features to ensure it did not collapse under the weight of soil and sand. Perhaps, then, Universal Man could do something to compromise the integrity of that structure. Letting go of the reins on his powers, he let out something resembling a battlecry, his rapidly-densifying body now able to become increasingly more compact without him stopping it. It was not long until even a single footstep would shatter the strongest materials anyone had, which was exactly what he needed.
“I hope your Baron does not think of this place fondly, for Universal Man will bring it down!” He exclaimed, lifting up one leg and then slamming it down upon the floor in an almighty stomp. The force alone sent cracks spiralling outwards, and into some of the concrete walls of the drably-decorated room. Yes, that was it, Universal Man would have the whole bunker crashing down before long. He paused for a moment, watching as the henchpeople scrambled to escape the room, perhaps fleeing for their lives. Good. They ought to.
Universal Man stomped again, the cracks spreading further up the walls of the room and letting free greyish dust from the ceiling.
Again.
Another stomp.
Another.
A chunk of concrete fell loose from the ceiling of the room, breaking into pieces when it landed. An alarm had begun to wail and whine. Good! Let the Baron panic at Universal Man’s might and power.
With a cry, Universal Man leapt into the air, landing with a thud that sent shockwaves echoing through the structure, ones which did not subside as he stopped moving. The ceiling above him bowed, before giving way entirely, what surely had to be a thousand tons of concrete falling atop him, yet breaking apart where he stood. There was no crushing Universal Man, not now!
With the basement room’s ceiling gone, the various nefarious hallways and side-rooms of the upper floors began to buckle, their own support compromised. Universal Man could even see sand beginning to seep in through growing cracks in the complex’s walls around him. His work here was done!
“Run in terror, Baron Von Ruthless!” Universal Man roared. “Universal Man will come for you, wherever you run, across the whole universe!” With that parting blow that he was certain would be noticed by the supervillain, he set about reducing his density as quickly as he could to that gaseous, cloud-like state once more. It was time to make his escape!
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Twelve hours later, in the cramped and paperwork-filled office of his much-maligned NSA handler, Universal Man stared, agape through his mask, at the mousy pencil pusher before him. “Your goal, Universal Man, was to knock out weapons systems and allow our soldiers to gain entry safely. Your goal was not to collapse the entire complex.” The disappointment was evident in his tone.
Universal Man scoffed. “Just you wait. One day, you will come crawling back to Universal Man, begging him: ‘Oh, Universal Man! We need you to destroy Baron Von Ruthless’ latest evil base and thwart his scheme!’ And when you do, do you know what Universal Man will say to you? He will say no!” Universal Man would, of course, never say no to such an opportunity.
He would never receive such an opportunity, thanks to the likes of Hypershock, Blazestone, Gamma Jack and worst of all: Mr. Incredible. Universal Man had no secret identity to retreat to when superheroes were made illegal, but he had no NSA sanction either.
Gone were the glory days, for Universal Man.