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"Good morning, we are conducting a survey today and are hoping you could help us make your experience with our services better."
Sengoku stared at the snail in confusion. He hadn't signed up for any services and definitely didn't do so with his personal snail, he only used that for emergencies, which is why he even picked up in that moment! "Who is this and how did you get this number?"
"Well, sir, you clearly gave us this number. There would be no other way for us to get it, wouldn't there?"
"Do you even know who you are calling right now?"
"Certainly! You are our most appreciated customer here at Bed-Time-Piracy weekly!" what??
"I did not subscribe to any magazines!"
"Oh of course not, we aren't a magazine. We offer weekly visits from some of the best pirate-themed escorts on these seas! You know this!"
He felt his face heat up in embarrassment as someone in the meeting coughed. Of course this happened in the middle of the weekly officers meeting!
"As I was saying, we would have some questions regarding your last service, did the Big Mom impersonator do a good job? See, she lost some weight and we have had complaints about accuracy lately… we simply want to make sure our customers have the best experience they can."
"All the babes in the world, and you choose big mom?" Kuzan asked lazily, making his eyes twitch.
"I DID NOT ORDER THIS SERVICE!"
"Now, now, Fleet Admiral," Borsalino drawled. "There is no shame in getting some love, even at your age."
Sengoku ignored him. "WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!"
"As for the next question, we saw that you have requested a subscription to our Marine 'Navy-feels' catalogue as well-"
"Wait, that exists?" Kuzan asked, earning himself scathing glares from the female officers present.
"Someone track this already!"
"Yessir!"
"-Does this include both the male and female package or just one of them?"
"It includes none of them because I never made that subscription!"
"I got it!" the snail technician said before going completely pale. "It's uhh… It's coming from your snail, sir. The one in your office."
Sengoku rushed out of the room, hearing several people follow him. They reached his office in no time but no one was to be seen. The snail was still connected, however and it was clear that his office was searched. There were reports strewn about and stacks of paper missing entirely.
On his desk sat a neatly folded note next to a single rice cracker. Something in his stomach twisted at the sight and he had a suspicion about who this was.
This was Garp's family, no doubt about it, likely that brother of Luffy's the reports mentioned.
He picked up the note. The writing was skillful and neat in a way that had to be practiced.
"We are sad to inform you that due to missed payments, we will have to cancel your subscription. Of course, we did take the payments you missed from your office, as stated in our contract."
Sure enough, his safe was entirely empty when he opened it.
The culprit was not found that day.
Kuzan was woken up by his snail.
He had been taking a well-deserved nap on deck after being sent out to a mission somewhere in the West Blue when it rang, rudely waking him up.
Sengoku usually knew that he took naps before missions, and since Garp is unfortunately no longer in the picture (not that he could blame him, he probably would've done the same), this call was likely urgent and/or important.
"Hello?" he said to the snail.
"116.45 west, 75.89 south," the snail said, a sly grin forming on its features.
He frowned, glancing to his navigator who immediately checked his maps before pausing, staring blankly at the charts. "What's that?" he asked the snail, voice steady.
"Your current position."
A knot formed in his stomach. He focused on his haki, hoping to find whoever was watching him, but other than a few birds that were flying by from a nearby island, there was no one but his crew, all familiar presences he had felt for days at this point.
Observation wasn't his specialty, but he wasn't completely incompetent, so if he felt no one, there was no one.
Unless the person had been on board since the start.
"Who are you?"
"Someone with eyes everywhere."
"And what do you want?"
The snail's smile widened. "I just wanted you to know." The connection dropped.
He stood and looked at the captain tensely. "Gather every man, I have reason to believe there might be a spy among us."
As the men rushed to comply, Kuzan swore he heard the crows above him laugh.
Borsalino was on a walk through the courtyards of Marineford.
It had been a strange week. Tensions were high since the break-in to Sengoku's office. Kuzan had also started to act strange, constantly looking over his shoulder, muttering about how the birds knew. What they supposedly knew, he didn't know, but the poor bloke had been losing sleep over it.
It was then that his snail rang.
"Yes? Is this thing on?" He had never really gotten the hang over the slimy little things everyone seemed so fond of these days.
"It's not, I'm afraid, you need to turn it around first," someone said. He did but the snail was still ringing.
"Turn it like this?"
"Yes, yes, now tickle its bottom."
He did, it was still ringing. "And now?"
"Now all you need to do is type your security code into the numbers on the shell since it's a high security call."
"Oh, those exist nowadays?"
"Yes, they are brand new."
"I see," he typed the numbers in and finally, it stopped. "Ah, wonderful."
But the snail didn't speak. "Hello?" still nothing "Hello!" the snail seemed asleep. "Did I take too long to answer?"
But the Person that had helped him was gone, leaving no trace but the memory of a smooth voice that seemed weirdly familiar.
What a strange week indeed.
Sakazuki was pissed.
Not only did someone play them for a fool, they stole valuable information. Twice! Not to mention that that idiot Kuzan still hadn't slept a full night because he had apparently gone mad!
Now, he knew that Borsalino was a fool, but he had expected better from Sengoku.
If that bastard dared to call him even once, he will find him and melt his face off.
Purupurupuru
Speak of the devil ad he shall appear.
He picked up, ready to tear this bastard a new one-
"You're a bitch." Gacha.
He gaped at the sleeping snail, face heating up in rage. How dare he!
The soldiers that were giving him a report fled his office as the temperature increased, magma burning away at his desk.
He will find that bastard.
Rob Lucci was finally cleared for physical activity and immediately went back to training.
He would return to his previous mission as soon as the last bruises healed. He was not to face repercussions since he fulfilled his part of the mission perfectly. It would have been a complete success had it not been for that filthy traitor.
"Sir," an agent spoke from the doorway. "We have a call for you, clearance code Kizaru.
Now what did that old monkey want from him?
"Admiral," he spoke to the snail, ushering the agent out.
"Rob Lucci," a voice that was definitely not admiral Borsalino answered.
"Who is this?"
"I merely have a question regarding your last mission." Was he sent by the admiral?
"What?" he growled.
"Is it true you were sent to the hospital by a 70 year old man?"
He ground his teeth. Was this so important that he had to call for it.
"Yes," he he managed to say through his clenched jaw.
The person chuckled. "Imagine getting beat up by your target's grandfather," he laughed.
"Who is this?!"
The caller continued to laugh, mocking him.
"Answer me!"
Finally, the laughing stopped and the person sighed. "I'm the one you were looking for."
He felt his tail fluff up in irritation. This was him, then? the little demon spawn's brother?
"Who are you, really?"
"Wouldn't you like to know, kitty," he said before hanging up.
He threw the snail against the wall, shattering its shell. He would find them. Both of them.
Sabo looked up from his desk, still chucking, to meet Koala's raised brow.
"Yes?"
"Okay, I got the call you used to distract Sengoku while breaking into his office. I understood making Aokiji paranoid before the mission so he would miss our men there. Getting Borsalino's code was admittedly genius, especially since the still haven't noticed the leak and haven't changed it."
"Gotta love their incompetence," he said.
"I don't get the last two."
"Akainu was getting a report about our activity in the south while I called. Now the only copy of their intel melted into magma. Not to mention the six other times I called with similar results. That, and I enjoy fucking with him."
"Love that. And this one?"
"That was just for fun. Gotta make the guy suffer a little, don't I?"
"Alright, fair."