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A soft, pink pre-dawn light filtered through the translucent curtains, which fluttered slightly in the breeze—Javier had forgotten to close the window for the night.
He did it again.
His neck was stiff, his shoulders and back ached from the awkward position he'd been in all night, his eyes red from the merciless glow of the screen. And yet, Javier continued to sit, frozen, like an enchanted statue—staring blankly at the screen of his open laptop. No, not at the screen specifically—at the white-clad figure gleaming on it.
The cool of late March wafted through the open window, and the sounds of Madrid slowly awakening, people's voices, and car horns drifted in—but Javier heard none of it, nor noticed. At that moment, the outside world didn't exist for him. Javier was in his own world—a world where only the piano notes of Notte Stellata could be heard.
Look at that lake, what a moon there is
The stars in the sky shine for us
In this enchanted night
My serenade I'll sing for you...
Here Yuzuru throws up his head – his dark eyes sparkle with excitement – he raises his hand and begins to spin in an astonishingly fast rotation...
How much I love you, you don't know
In my thoughts, you are the only one
By your side I will always be
I will search for you among the people...
Here Yuzuru bends in a graceful Biellmann , showing off his amazing flexibility...
How much I love you, now you know
In your thoughts
Always I will be
Look at this starry night
Of love for us
You already love me...
Here Yuzuru jumps a solo axel, as if preparing to fly, and lands gracefully on one foot, sending up ice chips. The crowd applauds in delight, and Javier feels his own breath catch in his throat...
Look at this starry night
Of love for us
I love you, you know you love me
Already...
Yuzuru finishes his performance with another spin, folding his arms gracefully—folded wings, Javier thinks. Yuzuru really does look like a swan... That same beautiful swan into which the evil magician transformed Princess Odette from the ballet "Swan Lake"... And that spell could only be broken by the power of true love... Stop, stop, stop, Javier's thoughts are going off track again.
The camera lens focuses on Yuzuru's parting smile—and its radiance rivals the sparkle of the rhinestones on his suit. Even rivals the rays of sunlight now streaming into Javier's apartment. And Javier feels the tingling in his chest begin again.
Come to think of it, Yuzuru always had that smile. Needless to say, he still has it, as you can easily see by searching online for videos of his recent ice shows (which Javier, of course, has already done). No matter who Yuzuru smiled at, whether it was his fans, pesky journalists, or rivals, his smile always looked genuine. Painfully genuine and kind. Javier remembers it vividly.
The sight of Yuzuru crying and smiling happily at him after his legendary victory at the Pyeongchang Olympics is something Javier will never forget.
Yuzuru Hanyu is truly a sun that will never set.
The laptop suddenly beeps obnoxiously, signaling that the battery is low, and just as suddenly, the screen in front of Javier goes dark, leaving behind only blackness in which Javier can see his own exhausted reflection.
Yes, he was exhausted. Incredibly exhausted over the past few weeks. A normal, self-respecting person wouldn't go without sleep for days on end, but Javier, instead of getting a good night's sleep, chooses to watch the performances of his former... close friend? Rival? Friend and rival. And now, his lover, too.
Javier sighs heavily, throwing his head back against the chair and rubbing his tired eyes with his fingers.
Oh yes, realizing you'd fallen in love with the man you'd spent almost ten years of your life with was, to put it mildly, difficult. It seemed absurd, stupid, and Javier couldn't believe it at first, but it was true.
He was completely and irrevocably, doomedly in love with Yuzuru.
Everything fell into place. This explained why, after retiring from the sport, the last years of Javier's life had become a depressing vortex that was drawing him in deeper and deeper. It also explained why Javier felt no real emotion when he kissed yet another girl in a ridiculous attempt at a serious relationship. He was simply always searching for another eyes. He needed another lips, another delicate hands, he wanted to hear another warm, ringing laugh. Javier wasn't unhappy, no. But he couldn't call himself happy either. This conclusion initially seemed strange to Javier, because his younger self had once dreamed of a similar life. Some kind of fame, a bunch of medals, including an Olympic one, a fairly comfortable, quiet life. Only something was missing. Or rather, someone.
Javier realized this only too late. When nothing could be fixed. When his paths with Yuzuru had already completely diverged.
So now Javier's life has become an endless tape of memories. He and Yuzuru's wonderful past, a past to which neither of them will ever return. Javier opens the Internet and feels like he's reliving it all. He rewatches all of Yuzuru's programs—the daring Parisienne Walkways , where a very young Yuzuru shows the world his talent, sensual Romeo and Juliet , divine Seimei ,Haru Yo , Koi , in which Yuzuru glides across the ice like a swirl of cherry blossom petals, and finally, Notte Stellata...
An endless cycle of self-torture. But Javier can't stop.
Because the beauty of Yuzuru's skating is mesmerizing. Javier watched the recent Olympics in Italy, and there were certainly many capable and talented skaters there, but Javier still subconsciously expected a familiar figure to appear on the ice at any moment. Fragile on the outside, yet incredibly strong on the inside.
Yuzuru has penetrated too deeply into his heart - Javier is looking for him everywhere.
For Javier, Yuzuru will always be the only one. He loves him not only for his skating, not only for his stunning looks... He loves his soul.
His kindness, patience, compassion for other people and respect for everyone without exception, even for his opponents who beat him, sincerity and modesty.
Javier sighs and finally gets up, goes to the open window, but does not close it, instead leaning his face against the glass, allowing the cool wind to touch his cheeks.
He misses Yuzuru more than he has any right to.
And it's strange, because Yuzuru himself seems to be doing well. He's alive and healthy (as far as his body, worn down by years of skating, allows), still deeply loved and popular in Japan and beyond, putting on his own ice shows, doing what he loves, and perhaps even happier than during his competitive years. Javier might see him, might even call him and hear his voice. But what would their conversation be like? "Hey, listen, I just realized that I'm madly in love with you, cool, huh?"
Javier closes his eyes.
Everyone—his family and friends—says he's been looking bad lately. Well, that's to be expected when you're not sleeping for several nights in a row and walking around with a constant ache in your heart.
But for Javier, not sleeping is actually better than sleeping. Because when he lies down and falls asleep, he has... dreams. Different dreams. Some of them are like the delirium of a madman—in them, Yuzuru and Javier are doing... different things. Yuzuru kisses Javier, whispering happily against his lips, and Javier holds his naked body tightly, kissing his thin, pale fingers. Javier places his hands on his waist, caresses his hips, and Yuzuru arches back, allowing more kisses, offering himself entirely... Javier wants to make him his—and then wakes up, aroused and sweating, his heart pounding.
After such dreams, Javier usually goes to the bathroom to wash away the consequences of the dreams, hating himself.
Because the real Yuzuru would never do such a thing.
And he's not yours, the treacherous voice in Javier's head cruelly reminds him.
Some dreams are more normal. In them, Javier imagines their life together—or rather, what it could have been. In them, Javier and Yuzuru are somehow magically living together. Javier can never quite figure out where exactly, but they are definitely together. In some parallel reality, they live the lives of ordinary people, not world-famous figure skaters. They make breakfast together, lie in bed until noon, watch stupid movies, and dance in the kitchen at night. And after these dreams, Javier feels much worse than after the ones in which they have sex.
Perhaps their versions from some parallel universe really do live like this. This thought still doesn't help Javier.
But more often than not, when he closes his eyes, it's not a dream that appears before him, but a memory. Javier has probably replayed it in his head a million times. And it's not a figment of his mind—it all happened, Javier is absolutely certain.
They stumble into Yuzuru's room together after some championship, which Yuzuru undoubtedly won. Javier can't remember exactly when it happened, but it definitely happened, he remembers.
Yuzuru giggles, pulling Javier by the hand into the room, slamming the door behind him, not caring about the other hotel guests. Today, he's too happy and satisfied with himself to pay attention to such things. Javier doesn't remember if he won any prizes that time, but it doesn't matter—looking at Yuzuru's dazzling smile, he feels happy himself, so happy, as if he'd won every medal in the world.
Still laughing, Yuzuru lifts the gold medal from his neck and pulls the ribbon around Javier's neck, connecting them. Pleased with his prank, he steps back and leads Javier, who is desperately tangling, behind him. It doesn't last long—Yuzuru trips over something on the floor and, with a surprised oops, collapses onto the bed, with Javier landing on top of him.
"Sorry, sorry," Javier mumbles haltingly, trying to hide his embarrassment at their sudden closeness behind an awkward smile as he carefully removes Yuzuru's medal from his neck. He himself doesn't understand why he suddenly feels so embarrassed.
"It's okay, Javi, it's okay," Yuzuru laughs. His fluffy, tousled bangs tickle Javier's chin. Swallowing, he turns over and flops down on the bed next to Yuzuru. They lie there in silence for a while. It's the dead of night outside, everyone in the hotel is asleep, and Javier can only hear Yuzuru's ragged breathing next to him.
“You know, you were amazing today,” Javier finally says, smiling at the ceiling.
"Really?" Yuzuru, beside him, props himself up on his elbow, as if he doesn't believe Javier's words. Javier feels his gaze on him.
"Really, and don't act like you don't know it," Javier snorts. "Basically, you were great, as always, but, you know, I never get tired of looking at you." Javier turns his head and looks at Yuzuru.
"Oh. Thank you," Yuzuru smiles and scratches his head sheepishly. How cute. "Since I'm such a good boy, maybe you could stay the night at my place?"
Yuzuru's voice takes on a slightly sly tone, and Javier knows what it means. He rolls his eyes helplessly and wrinkles his nose.
"Yuzu, you know I can't, it's not very convenient, especially since we have an early flight tomorrow... "
And it really is inconvenient, Javier isn't lying. And it's not just because of their early flight tomorrow, but because Brian generally disapproved of their overnight stays at each other's houses, a habit they had both developed, after which both skaters usually showed up to their coach sleep-deprived and exhausted...
"Javi, please? Por favor, Javi?"
Javier sighs resignedly. It's incredibly difficult for him to refuse Yuzuru, and Yuzuru knows it very well.
"Okay, just promise me that we'll go to bed right now, okay?"
"Hooray!" Yuzuru claps his hands joyfully.
And they really do go to bed soon – together on a large double bed , just on opposite sides of it.
“Good night, Yuzu,” Javier murmurs tenderly, and, patting Yuzuru, who was pretending to be displeased, turns away, preparing to get a good night’s sleep.
"Good night, Javi... " comes the reply.
Javier falls into a deep sleep for a while, lulled by the fatigue of a difficult day of competition.
And suddenly he wakes up – someone is touching him. Javier feels someone’s touch. Someone is tracing the features of his face. Touching his lips.
Startled by the surprise, Javier is about to open his eyes wide, but he doesn't have time. Because he hears a voice. Yuzuru's voice. Right, there can't be anyone else here, Javier reminds himself.
Yuzuru's voice sounds weak and quiet, even trembling , as if Yuzuru is... crying? And sure enough, Javier feels the body next to him tremble... Yuzuru mumbles something in Japanese, and Javier understands nothing but the words "I," "Javi," and, it seems, "we"...
Even more scared and worried, Javier is about to open his mouth and ask if everything is okay, but Yuzuru's next words – spoken in English for some reason – make his blood run cold.
"Javi... I love you so much... If you only knew how much I love you, oh, Javi..." Yuzuru sounds like he's crying and laughing bitterly at the same time. The sound of his broken voice makes Javier feel like his heart is being squeezed by an icy vice.
"I want to kiss you so much... To hold you without fear of anything – not the cameras, not the judgment of others..." Yuzuru whispers. He moves closer, and Javier feels his warm breath on his lips, as if they were about to... And yes, Yuzuru kisses him – for a second , fleetingly, almost imperceptibly, but Javier will remember the touch of his lips forever. As if he was touched by a soft feather. He kisses quickly – and then pulls away. He himself was frightened by his actions, Javier realizes. "Forgive me, Javi, I'm such a hopeless fool... I know you're asleep and can't hear anything, but I still want to tell you this..."
Javier wants to wake up—or rather, to show Yuzuru he's not asleep—but his body refuses to listen, frozen as if someone has paused it. Javier feels terrible, but continues to feign deep sleep.
"If only everything were simpler... If only we could be together... I would be so happy, Javi, happier than ever. "
"But I understand everything, Javi. I understand that we're tied to our sport, I understand that it's not for you, that you love girls... And I would never dare to interfere with you... But I will always love you alone, you know? So..." Javier feels Yuzuru gently tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. His voice drops to a barely audible whisper. "Thank you for allowing me this little prank. This kiss. And forgive me for being so selfish. Goodnight, Javi..."
Today's Javier thinks about that night almost every day. And almost every day he curses his former self—an indecisive, inattentive idiot, thinking only of his own peace of mind. After all, Yuzuru's expressions of affection for him weren't so subtle... All their exchanges of glances, their joint training sessions. The way Yuzuru always looked at him, always acting a little more freely with him than with other skaters. Those tears of happiness in his eyes when he won the Olympics in Pyeongchang , and Javier took third place... Yuzuru cried tears of joy not only for himself. Just think of the tons of fan videos about them online...
But nothing like that night ever happened again. Yuzuru never said those words again, and acted as usual. And yet, that doesn't excuse Javier's inaction. Because Javier knew.
He knew – and did nothing, living through those years – still theirs together – pretending not to know that Yuzuru was in love with him.
It's that simple – Javier chose peace, a happy, comfortable, and secure life, as he thought then, in ignorance. Without any explanations or problems. At the time, Javier thought it would be better for both of them. Now Javier realizes he was simply shamefully afraid.
And everything would be fine if the life he'd chosen made him happy, but it didn't. Feelings for Yuzuru burst into Javier's heart like an uncontrollable torrent—or perhaps they'd always been quietly there, but Javier preferred to suppress and ignore them.
And what does he have now? A maddening crush on his former rival and friend. Who now has his own life. And who—now, almost ten years later—most likely no longer needs Javier's love. And deep down, Javier knows this. That's why his mind consoles him with pitiful dreams and illusions, why he rewatches Yuzuru's performances over and over again, wishing he could once again be in that unreachable past.
"But I will always love only you, you know?"
Javier often wonders if things could have turned out differently if he'd opened his eyes that night and reciprocated Yuzuru's feelings. Most likely, yes, they could have. They could have been happy together. After all, Javier was always willing to do anything for Yuzuru—and if they'd become a couple, Javier would have carried him in his arms...
But all this will never happen.
So Javier moves away from the window and wanders into the bedroom. He needs to sleep. At least a little. Yeah, right.
You know, Yuzuru, you were wrong – I don't like girls. My heart is forever occupied with you.
Thinking about this, Javier closes his tired eyes. He wishes for only one thing: to dream of his beloved silhouette in sparkling white... And may this silhouette make Javier truly happy – even if only for a short time. Even if it’s a delusion.