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Rosie held her father’s hand tightly as the shuttle they were on carried them and eight other new colonists down through Mars’ atmosphere.
Her father turned to look at her, sending her a reassuring smile and squeezing her hand tightly.
She was only six years old– or three, she supposed, if she was supposed to count in Martian years, now –one of the youngest in the first group of civilians sent to colonize Mars.
Many people (mainly her grandparents) had fought hard against her father bringing her along with him. Rosie didn’t blame them; as much as she’d wanted to come, even she wasn’t naive to the dangers of space travel and, for the first time in human history, colonising another planet. The moon was one thing, Mars was another beast entirely. It had been years since the very first biodome team touched down, and they’d only given the all-clear for non-astronauts to join them a few months ago.
To Rosie, it felt incredibly rushed, but she supposed the scientists knew what they were doing.
The shuttle shook with turbulence, shooting an arrow of fear through the little girl’s heart. “Appa?!”
“It’s alright, Rosie,” Her father reassured, though he had to yell to be heard over the horrible noise. “Just the planet saying hello!”
Well that was stupid. Planets can’t talk!
The noise gradually settled down, and Rosie stretched up as tall as she could to try and see out the porthole window in the shuttle’s bay door:
Orange. Dusty, rusty orange for as far as the eye could see. Rosie’d never understood why Mars was called the red planet when it was clearly orange; maybe the man who’d first discovered it was colourblind.
This would be her home for the next week or so, until another shuttle would carry her and her father up into orbit for his new job: helping to build Mars’ first space station.
This was her new life, 54.6 million kilometres away from where it began.
~~~
Rose (just Rose now; “Rosie” sounded too babyish) groaned in frustration, dropping her pencil and face-planting on the table.
Her father chuckled from where he was reading over yet another report. “That bad?”
“Why can’t I read, Appa?” Rose asked, her voice muffled by her paper.
“Aw, Rosie-” Appa hadn’t gotten the memo about the nickname; she’d told him, he’d just elected to ignore her. “-you can read, it just takes a bit.”
“It shouldn’t!” Rose slammed her hands down on the table, her frustration boiling over. “Lillie said this took her ten minutes!”
“That’s Lillie, not you. You’re different people.” Appa put down his tablet, turning to face her fully. “Has she been picking on you again?”
Rose didn’t answer. Sure, Lillie liked to tease her for getting lower reading scores than her, but… she was the only friend Rose had.
“Rosie-” Appa took her hand in both of his, leaning down to press a kiss to it. “-you know, your mother had trouble with reading, too.”
She finally looked up at him, her eyes widening in surprise; Appa almost never talked about Umma. “Really?”
Appa nodded, a sad smile spreading across his face. “Really. But she worked with her brain instead of trying to force it to do what she wanted. Used a laptop instead of paper most of the time so she could switch fonts or use screen readers. I can talk to Ianto about digital worksheets for you, if you want.”
Rose deflated slightly. “So I can’t… fix my brain?”
“There’s nothing to fix, Rosie. Your brain isn’t broken, it’s just different.”
Rose’s eyes slid back to her paper and she nodded, smiling slightly as Appa kissed her temple and went back to work.
In all honesty, that wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear. Coming from someone who’d never had to deal with failing at something everyone else found easy, the reassurance felt empty.
But the knowledge that her mother– a literal rocket scientist before her death when Rose was a baby –would understand? That helped a little.
She’d see if digital worksheets were easier, she supposed.
~~~
Rose ran home from school, kicking up rusty-orange dust as she turned into Appa’s rock garden. “Appa! Appa!”
“Whoa!” Her father laughed, putting down his book and catching her in a hug. “Coming in hot there, Rosie!”
She’d long since given up trying to make him call her Rose; Rosie would just be his special name for her.
Rose pulled back, beaming and reaching into her backpack, pulling out the gold medal Mr. Kraemer had presented her with an hour ago. “I won first!”
She’d spent over two weeks building and testing her astral water collection/filtration system for the middle school science fair; the theme was “Progress for the Colony”, so her mind had immediately gone to “how can we get more clean water faster?” and had locked herself in her room for days researching.
Appa matched her grin with one of his own, standing to pick her up in a hug. “That’s my girl! My little genius!”
Rose laughed, hugging him back around his neck as he spun her around.
~~~
“Rose Lang,” The dean read out over the mic. “Environmental Engineering, Honours.”
“That’s my daughter!” Appa’s voice rang out from the audience, prompting some polite laughter from the rest of the crowd and a tearful chuckle from Rose as she crossed the stage and accepted her diploma.
Nine years of sleepless nights and her screen-reader’s voice droning on and on while she took colour-coded notes had finally paid off. She was now Doctor Rose Lang, PhD in Environmental Engineering.
The hug Appa gave her after the ceremony was so tight, she was certain Umma was hugging her, too, through his arms. “I am so proud of you, my girl.”
“Thank you, Appa,” Rose pulled back just long enough to kiss his cheek. “For everything.”
She felt his tears hitting the shoulder of her gown, but she didn’t call him on it; Rose was a lot of things, but a hypocrite was not one of them.
~~~
Appa’s eyes looked up at Rose in curiosity, set into a still red, brand new face.
The original sat on the bed beside her, his arm around her shoulders as he pressed soft kisses into her hair. “You did so well, Rosie.”
Rose wasn’t sure what she was feeling: terrified, elated, missing her mother, grateful that her father was there, exhausted, wide awake.
They all merged together and surfaced as a tearful smile as she stared down at her baby.
“She’s perfect, Appa,” She muttered, stroking her baby’s cheek with her thumb.
Her baby smiled; any onlookers probably wouldn’t have called it that, babies technically don’t start smiling until six weeks or so, but Rose knew better. That was the most beautiful smile she’d ever seen.
“She absolutely is,” Appa agreed, gently taking the baby’s hand and chuckling as a tiny fist closed around his finger. “Does she look like her father?”
In any other state of mind, Rose would have rolled her eyes. Appa’d been trying to figure out who her baby’s father was since she told him she was pregnant, and she’d shut it down every time.
He didn’t want anything to do with them anyway, she didn’t owe the man a thought.
And he would certainly never see their perfect baby.
"She looks like her Grandad," She replied, hoping that would put an end to the questions.
The tears in her father's eyes made her optimistic.
~~~
“Come on, baby! Say ‘Mama’!”
“Ba!”
Rose laughed, laying on the floor with her ten-month old sitting on her stomach and laughing.
“Mama!” Rose repeated, lifting her baby above her head and pressing rapid kisses to tiny, chubby cheeks. “Mama!”
“Bababa!” Her baby replied, shriek-laughing as Rose attacked with more kisses. “Mamamama!!”
“I’m not taking no for an answer, sweetie!” She kissed her baby’s nose and returned the tiny human to her stomach. “Mama!”
A look of almost concentration crossed the baby’s tiny features. “...Mama.”
Rose cheered, rewarding her baby with even more kisses. “Mama! You did it, baby! I’m Mama!”
“Mamamama!”
The tears in Rose’s eyes should have surprised her, but post-partum hormones are powerful and long-lasting. She’d been very weepy for the past ten months.
“Who’s my smart girl?” She asked, pecking her baby’s forehead. “You are! It’s you!”
“Mama!”
Rose gathered her baby to her chest, sighing and closing her eyes.
Her heart had never felt so full.
~~~
“Momma?”
Rose looked up from her tablet, pausing her screenreader and pulling her headphones down to rest around her neck. “Yes, baby?”
Her baby– not such a baby anymore, nearly three Martian years, five and a half Earth years –looked a bit nervous about whatever the question was.
“Why… why do I have to be a girl?”
Rose blinked, but she wasn’t surprised. She was almost surprised that she wasn’t surprised, but a part of her had been anticipating this question.
She put her tablet down, reaching out and taking her Kindergartener’s hands. “Well, you don’t, but that was our best guess when you were born based on your body. Why?”
Her little one huffed, eyes glued to their joined hands. “...can I be a boy instead?”
“Do you think you are one?”
After a moment, her little one nodded.
Her little boy nodded.
Rose squeezed his hands. “You can be whoever you are, baby. Grandad and I will love you just the same.”
He smiled wider than she’d ever seen him smile before, bouncing a bit in excitement. “I’m a boy!”
“Thank you for telling me!” Rose replied with a laugh, pulling her son into her lap to hug him tight. “I love you!”
“I love you, too,” He mumbled into her shoulder, before quickly pulling back. “Can I have a different name, too? A boy name?”
That stung a bit, but Rose swallowed it. She’d worked so hard to pick out the name she’d given him, but she’d known it might not stick. It wasn’t her baby’s fault that he’d been mislabelled.
“Absolutely,” She nodded. “Do you have any ideas?”
He thought for a long moment, then shrugged.
Rose smiled, picking her tablet up again and minimizing her email to use her browser. “How about we look for some, huh?”
Her little boy beamed, nodding excitedly.
The next hour was spent on various baby name archives; reading, testing, looking up meanings, until her baby’s eyes sparkled at one in particular.
Her little boy, Simon.
~~~
Rose’s heart hurt inexplicably as she watched Appa swing Simon up into his arms and hug him, just the way he used to do with her. The tears in her little boy’s eyes brought a stab of guilt to her heart, but she knew this was for the best.
“I’ll be up to visit for your birthday, Star,” Appa said softly, using the nickname he’d used for her baby since the day he was born (he had asked after the name change if it was still okay, and Simon had emphatically replied that if Grandad ever stopped calling him Star, he’d cry on purpose). “Can’t keep me away from my boy for long.”
“I’m gonna miss you,” Simon whimpered, squeezing Appa tightly.
“I’ll miss you, too,” He kissed the little boy’s temple, before leaning his cheek against it. “I’ll call you all the time, alright?”
“Okay…”
Rose hated to separate them, but her father had made his decision: after the years they spent living on Eden while he helped to build it, he wanted to live out the rest of his days on solid ground. Now that she was going up there to work, that meant being away from him for the first time in her, or Simon’s lives.
Tears filled her eyes, and of course Appa noticed, shifting Simon so he could hold him with one arm and holding the other out to his daughter. “Come here, Rosie.”
Rose didn’t even hesitate, joining the hug and kissing each of her boys cheeks. Appa returned the gesture, then also kissed her forehead. “My girl…”
“I love you, Appa,” Rose said quietly, not trusting her voice to stay steady if she spoke any louder.
“I love you, too–” He pulled back, but Simon kept his face hidden in his Grandad’s shoulder; Appa chuckled, kissing the side of his head. “–both of you.”
He handed Simon to Rose, the boy the picture of sadness with silent tears running down his cheeks as he tried to hide behind his hair. The little boy’s name change had come with a haircut, but he’d insisted on keeping it at least chin-length; he just preferred it that way.
Rose tucked Simon’s hair behind his ear. “Say goodbye to Grandad, Si.”
“Bye, Grandad…” Simon mumbled, his eyes glued to his grandfather’s shirt instead of his face.
“This isn’t goodbye, Star,” Appa replied, gently tilting the boy’s face up by the chin to lock their matching eyes. “It’s see you later.”
A small smile appeared on Simon’s damp face. “See you later.”
Appa returned his smile, before turning to his daughter. “See you later, Rosie.”
Rose sniffed, hugging him one more time. “See you later, Appa.”
She pulled away and, not giving herself time to second-guess it anymore, turned around to board the shuttle, feeling her son wave at her father over her shoulder.
~~~
Rose was completely absorbed in her audiobook, laying on the couch to relax after a long shift… until her son stormed into their quarters in a huff (if the doors could slam, she was positive he would have slammed it).
“Si?” She asked, sitting up and pulling her headphones off.
“I don’t wanna talk about it!” He snapped before she could ask what was wrong, going straight to his room and shutting the door behind him.
Rose sighed.
Alright, one of those days.
Simon had been getting very moody lately. It was probably about time to talk to Dr. Garson about starting him on blockers.
Taking a breath and bracing herself for a nearly five-year-old’s (just past nine Earth years) emotions, she set her tablet aside and walked over to her son’s bedroom door, knocking. “Si, baby–”
“I’m not a baby!” The boy called through the door.
God, give me patience.
Rose had never been religious, but parenting had been making her reconsider. “Honey, can you please talk to me?”
“I said I don’t wanna talk!”
“Watch your tone, mister!” Rose warned, crossing her arms and leaning against his doorway. “I’m not the one you’re upset with.”
Silence settled behind the door, followed by a mumbled “Sorry.”
Okay, that was progress.
“Can I come in?” Rose asked, taking this one step at a time.
Silence again.
“...okay.”
Thank you, Lord.
Rose tapped the panel beside the door and it slid open, revealing her son laying face-down on his bed, hiding his face in his pillow.
“Oh sweetie,” She sighed, sitting on the bed beside him and running a hand through his dark hair. “Did something happen at school?”
“‘M not stupid!” Simon responded, his harshness startling his mother.
Of all the things she’d expected him to say– a frustrating assignment, kids teasing him, hurting himself during Phys Ed –that was not one of them.
“Of course you’re not.” Rose carefully turned Simon over to look at her, grateful that he didn’t resist but devastated by the frustrated tears in his eyes. “Why would you say that?”
Simon growled, aggressively rubbing his eyes. “Mr. Jadin said I was! He said I should be able to read by now and if I can’t then I’m too stupid for his class. And everyone laughed at me, Mom, even Tommy and Clay!”
Rose saw red. Mr. Jadin, the station school’s newest teacher, had given her a bad vibe from day one, but now he had actually called her genius little boy stupid? In front of his classmates?!
She swallowed it down, though; Mr. Jadin would definitely be having words with her, of course, but her anger wouldn’t help her son right now.
“Oh, Si,” She pulled him into a hug, relieved that he melted into it even if all his fight draining out of him made her heart hurt. “You are not stupid, he shouldn’t have said that.”
Simon sniffed, wiping his face with his sleeve. “...but I can’t read.”
Okay, this asshole was going to have more than words with her; she’d probably have to bring Gia with her to stop her from killing the man.
“You can read,” She corrected, pulling back and pushing his hair out of his face with both of her hands. “It’s just a bit harder for you. I’m the same way, you know.”
A familiar look of surprise crossed his face; not familiar on him, but Rose knew she’d worn it herself before. “...really?”
Rose nodded, gesturing to the headphones around her neck. “Why do you think I wear these when I’m working? My tablet reads things out to me so I can absorb it faster.”
Simon’s eyes widened even more, curiosity swimming through them. “...can I do that?”
Rose nodded, drying some stray teartracks with her thumbs. “Absolutely, I’ll talk to Mr. Bevan about it.”
Ianto had always been good about accommodating her when he was the station tutor; she didn’t see why he’d be any different as the school’s head teacher.
Finally, that perfect, small smile appeared on her perfect boy’s face and he nodded. “Okay.”
Rose returned the smile, kissing Simon’s forehead and repositioning herself behind him, separating his hair into three sections to start braiding it together for him. The little sigh that escaped her son every time she did this, all the tension leaving his shoulders, was what kept her doing it, even as he got older and stopped wanting his hair done in public.
“How about we make some dinner and watch a movie, huh?” Rose offered, using the hair tie around her wrist to tie the braid off. “I’ll let you pick.”
Simon looked at her over his shoulder, his small smile just as beautiful as the one he’d given her on the day he was born. “Okay.”
~~~
Rose stared out the window in horrified disbelief.
Mars was gone. Just fully gone. She pulled the sleeves of her sweater down her arms as a chill ran over her, and not just from the cold terror brewing in her gut: the air of the station was genuinely growing colder.
Appa was down there.
“Mom!”
Rose turned her head so quickly it cracked, but she could barely feel the pain as she saw Simon run toward her. “Simon! You should be in class!”
He stared at her like she had three heads. “The planet is fucking gone, no one’s in class anymore!”
“Language,” She half-heartedly scolded, pulling him to her in a hug that he quickly returned.
He was only a head shorter than her, now; even on his blockers, he was growing like a weed.
“The planet is gone,” Her six-year-old (eleven Earth years) reiterated. “You’re not seriously gonna wash my mouth out for this one?”
Rose sighed shakily, “No,” before pulling back and brushing his hair aside to see his face clearly.
“What’s going on?” Her son asked, his face mostly calm but Rose could plainly see fear behind his eyes. “Is Grandad okay?”
“I don’t know,” She replied, kissing his forehead and pulling him flush against her again to try and keep him warm as the temperature continued to drop. “I don’t know, Si, I-”
“Rose!”
Rose looked up, seeing her closest coworker rushing down the hall toward them. “Gia! What’s going on?”
“I have no idea,” Gia replied breathlessly, jerking her thumb over her shoulder in the direction she’d come from. “We need your help, we need to up the heaters to compensate.”
“Compensate for what, what happened?!”
“The sun is gone, Rose!”
Rose froze.
The… the sun was gone? How was that even possible?!
How was all of Mars vanishing out of nowhere possible?
Rose felt Simon grip her sleeve, dragging her out of her stupor as her brain recalibrated.
Step one: get her son somewhere safe.
“Simon,” She took him by the shoulders, turning him to face her. “Go to our quarters, okay? Feed the dog, get some blankets, wait for me there, okay?”
“Should I try to call Grandad?”
“No–” Absolutely not; she knew her son, if his grandfather didn’t answer he would just start panicking more. “–we’ll try later, just go put a movie on, okay?”
The fear in Simon’s eyes grew, but he nodded all the same. “Okay.”
“That’s my boy,” She kissed his forehead again and patted his shoulders. “Go.”
Her perfect baby took off down the hall, and Rose had to trust that he’d listen to her as she put her mind on step two: fix the heat.
~~~
Rose’s chest was killing her.
About a week ago, she’d been performing routine maintenance in one of the medical labs when a piece of debris had hit the station, sending her flying into a fridge holding disease samples.
Long story short, she’d been exposed to tuberculosis.
A lack of resources and medical officers made treatment difficult, so she’d been confined to quarters and had a quarantine bubble built around her bed.
She felt helpless.
“Alright,” Simon said, sitting in the chair he’d put beside her bubble and pulling up a mask before opening the small window, a syringe in his hand. “One for you–”
A wave of pride washed over Rose as her baby expertly inserted her IV and pushed her antibiotics, before closing up the window and throwing away his gloves and mask. He then opened a packaged syringe and stabbed it into his own thigh.
“–and one for me,” He finished, grimacing a bit as he finsihed his shot and pulled it out. “God, I hate that.”
“You’re strong, Si,” Rose told him breathlessly, raising her hand and touching it to the wall of her bubble. “You can handle it.”
Simon gave her that small smile, raising his hand to meet hers on the other side. “You’re strong, too. You’re gonna get better.”
She could tell he was trying to convince himself more than anything; that he was ignoring her lack of progress to keep himself going.
She decided to let him.
She dropped her hand from the wall, pointing to her dresser. “Top drawer, under the bras.”
Simon’s nose wrinkled. “Gross.”
“It’s just fabric, Si, just go look.”
Groaning and rolling his eyes, Simon stood and crossed the room, opening the dresser drawer and pushing the clothes aside before pausing.
Rose smiled as he pulled out the small, wrapped box she’d had Gia drop off for her while Simon was in… “class”. Or, what they were calling class since the Quiet Rapture; teaching the kids self-defence and espionage. The only reason Rose was still sending him was because it was mandatory.
“Mom, come on–”
“Happy birthday!” She cheered, only to end up coughing as she’d accidentally pushed her throat too hard.
Simon sighed, bringing the box back to his seat and dropping himself into it. “It’s not even my birthday, yet.”
Rose waved him off. “What’s a week or two? You’re practically seven now!”
He’d be off blockers and starting testosterone within the next year, if everything went according to plan. Colton had reassured her that despite their lack of resources, they had plenty of long shelf-life hormones stashed away. Before the Quiet Rapture, it had been seen as a medical necessity, and there wasn’t much else to utilize them for than their intended purpose.
Simon turned the small box over in his hands, studying it before looking up at her.
“I’ll open it on my birthday,” He said flatly.
It was a test; Rose knew he would read into whatever she responded with. Her boy was the smartest person she knew.
“Open it now,” She told him. She wanted to see him open it.
She saw her son’s eyes well up, but he just huffed out a sigh and nodded, tearing the plain white paper.
She knew he’d understood her meaning. He wasn't going to acknowledge it, but he knew.
She probably wasn’t making it to his birthday.
Simon tossed the paper aside and Rose decided not to scold him; she decided right then that she was never going to scold him again.
He opened the box and pulled out his gift: a utility knife, in a handmade leather holster.
“Mom…” He said softly, seemingly at a loss for words.
“You’re so strong, Si,” Rose told him softly, her heart clenching as just how young he was; too young for any of this. “But this is a different world than the one I grew up in. I’m so sorry you have to grow up through this, but I want you to have everything you need to survive.”
This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair, none of this was how his life was supposed to go.
Her perfect baby was never meant to be a soldier.
Tears dripped down Simon’s face and Rose wanted more than anything to hold him; to wipe his tears away and braid his hair.
Using all of her strength, she pushed herself up to press her forehead against her bubble, her own tears starting to fall as her son immediately mirrored her on the outside.
“I love you, Mom,” He choked, showing more emotion than she’d seen from him in years; surly adolescents didn’t typically like crying to their Mommies.
“I love you, too, baby,” She replied, opening her eyes to just look at him.
Appa’s eyes stared right back at her through the plastic barrier.
Rose took a shuddering breath and uselessly swallowed the mucus and blood in her throat. “You’re going to be okay, Simon.”
Her baby just nodded, closing his eyes as his tears continued to fall.
Rose prayed to a God that had abandoned them that she was right.