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The last few weeks were quite an eventful time for Louis. He’s just had two days of the AFH festival in America which sold really poorly as they were announced quite late. So his team hoped to sell more tickets by promising surprises. Louis sang No control and his new song Palaces on the same night. To be honest, his management team’s methods of marketing weren't that great lately and had to be questioned, people seemed to be frustrated… Something needs to be changed about that probably.
Right now Louis is sitting in a hotel room on the bed. A room similar to hundreds of others around the world, with the same disturbing decorative cushions that Louis, of course, has pushed off the bed (because they've been touched by many people, that's not hygienic, mind you), an opened suitcase on the floor - it’s the most typical afternoon in an american hotel. Louis is drinking his tea while some TV show is playing on the TV. His plane to London is tomorrow, but for today he has some time for himself. The start of a new era always means being busy and anxious more than usual (even more anxiety there is only at the start of a tour), so he deserves a few hours of doing nothing, Louis thinks.
Just as the climax of the show’s episode has started, he sees a new message on his phone. It’s Niall and the text just says “wow”. “What.” Louis thinks absentmindedly. Niall is that kind of a person who sends many short messages when a thought is still in the process of forming and jumps from one to another with no logic whatsoever, so of course he would just say “wow” and only then explain what he meant. It is probably nothing, anyway.
“remember dan and phil?” The next message says.
Dan and Phil. Louis pulls his eyebrows together. They are YouTubers. YouTubers who used to be quite popular around 2016 if he's not mistaken. Before that, Louis vaguely remembers them being interviewers from the BBC. They met Dan and Phil as One Direction, yeah. But why does Niall bring these two up now? They aren't as popular as they used to be, they kind of have fallen off the radar. Louis is sure he hasn’t heard of Dan and Phil for years. Last time definitely was 2019, when they both came out as gay which was quite a big deal. Louis remembers reading details about Dan’s video and feeling sorry for all this man has been through and also admiring him for having the courage to make that video. Yeah, it was a big deal. He remembers that.
He is waiting for Niall to deliberate this thought, but to his surprise he doesn't. A little frustrated, Louis types “what?”
“Google them,” Niall says.
Louis’ distrust and confusion creeps even deeper. He does as asked though. That doesn’t make any sense, so Louis chuckles in disbelief at the absurdness of the situation.
He presses search and the next moment he doesn’t want to laugh anymore.
“Dan and Phil have confirmed they've been in a relationship for 16 years since 2009,” the headline says. And this…This is not what Louis expected to see today. Not at all.
Sure, coming out is one thing, but that? Collaboratively coming out, saying you are together with the person you’ve been shipped for years? Shipping which made your life insufferable at some point? (despite not knowing a lot about Dan and Phil, he’s seen, of course, how popular Phan was. He couldn't not see, being himself a part of a similar conspiracy).
The thing is - this? Has this ever happened before? Has the queer shipping conspiracy about real people ever been confirmed? Been addressed and the truth was shown to the world? Yeah, sure, there are a lot of closeted queer couples in the industry, Louis knows, but he never thought he would see one talking about it like this. Explaining. Confirming. Being real for everyone to know.
This is fucking crazy. He needs to see the video. To hear what they said and how they did it, now. The messages from Niall appear at the top of his screen but Louis swipes them off. He’ll answer him later. Now he needs to watch the fucking video.
It's the 10th minute when he starts crying. They talk about something called the Vday video, which is not the point, the point is something pure and nice was taken by people and was ripped apart, became dirty and used, that's when Louis has felt his eyes become wet. The fuck. He knows what they mean. Maybe he knows it a little bit better than others. Better than anyone. Dan says that when he looked at Phil he saw all those judging and prying eyes of other people. Louis understands.
What he and Harry had- have – is complicated. Not ideal. With ups and downs and break ups and coming back together. They still don't know how to navigate this relationship – or is it a relationship at all? It looks like a fucked up story of fighting and never truly being able to get over the young love you had when you were 18.
Dan and Phil – at what age did they meet? Louis pauses the video and goes to google. Dan is the same age as him, okay. And he met Phil when he was… also 18. Wow, fine. What is it with the end of 00s and the start of 10s that they all met then? Phil was older though, Louis finds out. 22 to be exact. Which is much different from starting a relationship at 16 and 18.
See, there is this thing about being a part of a huge industry, music industry, in Louis’ case. It gives you money and fame and fans, but it also takes. And it takes so much. Since the beginning, since 2011, the massive success they suddenly got – it felt like parts of their lives weren’t theirs anymore. They were doing what they were told to do, they acted, they were taught and trained and, yes, it was fun, it was amazing, something that no one else but other 4 people he used to be in a boyband with would understand – but that quickly became so much. Maybe a little too much. None of them expected this, no one was prepared for the things they had to face.
And being in love with one of your bandmates – mutually in love – it was something fond and absolutely amazing at first, but in 2011 the first seeds of poison began to take root, as you can't just do it. Can't just be in a worldwide popular boyband with millions of fans and have a relationship inside of a band. A gay relationship on top of it all.
Louis may not know the story of Dan and Phil. They were really huge and popular, yes. But. They are Youtubers. They didn't sign a contract with Syco. They weren't formed under Simon Cowell. They were exposed and disrespected and people invaded their privacy, just like what Louis experienced too, but – they didn't have that pressure and sick unreal schedule, and media training – their life mostly was still theirs. Louis’ – wasn't.
2014 – it was hard. It’s been just 4 years, but god it felt like a million. They were tired, their mental and physical health was ruined, and well, everything that came after came after.
After One Direction the bad didn't stop,no, apparently it intensified and everything painful and terrible continued to permeate Louis’ life. As if he is the magnet for the worst tragedies a person can experience. He lost people. He didn't feel like himself. He struggled through his career, he struggled through his personal life, he felt stuck.
But the thing is when your brain decides you can't move forward, life doesn't care. The world doesn't care. And no matter what your brain feels like, life is rushing forward. It never, ever stops and it's the most terrifying and reassuring thing in the universe. The sun goes up and it comes back up, the world it turns no matter what, yep, he’s thinking of his own lyrics, what a narcissist.
And Dan and Phil – their lives are so different from his, sure, but it also feels oddly similar in some ways. Louis googles Phan timeline, cause he is in that one stupid mood when you have an urge to find parallels and consequences to things that don't necessarily connect at all.
He looks. In 2016 they had their first world tour. And One Direction was already gone. Despite Dan and Phil meeting each other a year earlier than when Louis went to the X Factor auditions. Which is not surprising, but- they were really short, weren't they? One Direction was short. Just a spark engulfing the whole planet for a moment, blinding people, but gone before they really had time to think about what happened.
Sometimes Louis forgets it was just 5 years, because, yet again, it felt like half of his life, with how much they did, how many places they visited, how many faces they saw. You could live a hundred years in peace and quiet after that and it still wouldn't feel like enough.
Louis reads more of the info on Wiki and he has a thought which strikes him: Dan and Phil, in the first place they are friends. They are best friends. They are partners and love each other not platonically, yeah, but- they are also really really great friends. And that's what so many people nowadays don't have in relationships. People are looking for a partner, for a romantic relationship, and so many people get married, have kids, while actually not being real friends with their partners. And hence come so many misunderstandings and divorces and tragic stories. People often just underestimate what power does friendship hold in this world. Real friendship. It's probably even stronger than romantic love. Friendship love may be stronger than romantic one, and, yes, he really thinks that crazy thought, because in some way it does make sense to him.
Louis and Harry- they were teenagers, and they were teenagers in love. Who 2 years later were forced to do everything in order not to show any of this love to the world. But could they call themselves good friends? Have they ever developed a friendship bond strong enough to hold them together despite everything? The kind of bond he figured Dan and Phil could have.
Louis doesn't know, of course, but he thinks about it anyway. He really thinks about it. What if they could be like Dan and Phil? Could they overcome the obstacles and come out (no pun intended) much happier on the other side? What if they could win?
What if, what if, what if… Louis’ life is built on what ifs. There is not a day where he doesn't wonder how different everything could be. Not a day when he doesn't ask himself: would it be different in another life?
He’s not complaining. He got lucky in this life and he’s grateful for being able to live like he does and experience incredible things most people never do. Louis will forever cherish 2010-2012 as the most exciting years of his life. The years when it was still early for everything to start hurting and crazy felt good, genuinely good. The years he hasn't learnt what it's like to hide yet, to be mortally exhausted, always self-conscious, never allowing yourself a minute of freedom.
Wearing a mask. That's what they all had to learn how to do. To put on a show. To pretend. And the feeling hasn't let go for a decade. Once you learn how to pretend it's hard to stop. Maybe most people in life are pretending. They go to the office work, they learn subjects they're not interested in, they build lives with people they don't trust, they say they’re fine. They convince themself they’re fine and that's enough. It should be. Because really, how many people are truly, genuinely happy?
Well, for what he sees, Louis would say that Dan and Phil are. After everything, they really seem happy. Nervous in this video, of course, but he hopes they will be happy. After all, they do deserve it for being this brave.
Bravery takes up a lot of you. To be brave, to speak up, to stand up – it's frightening. It feels like you’ll fail and all you ever will be is what you are now. But doesn't everyone have something to hold on to? Close people, memories, dreams, responsibility. Fear is strong but it's important to remember it can be defeated. It will come up over and over again and again and again. But don't let it swallow you, don't let it defeat you. Fight back.
That's what Louis learnt from his life. To fight back. He holds onto the good memories. He holds onto his family and friends. He holds onto his fans. He does everything not to hold onto heartache.
Dan and Phil hold onto each other. They hold onto the bond they have. The one Louis doesn't think he ever truly experienced. Because hiding is scary. But being open doesn't feel like an option. Not in their case. Maybe for Dan and Phil it is an option. Louis knows he couldn't have done this. They couldn't.
Maybe that's cowardice. Maybe that's just the circumstances. But he knows he and Harry couldn't have just normally dated for all these 15 years. Gosh, there is nothing normal about them. The amount of miscommunication they have is absolutely insane. The number of fights, of moving back and forward just to move back again. It felt right once. First two years. And under any other circumstances who knows what could've been. But life has broken them. And in the sequence of repairing things and trying to pick up the pieces of his life again – somewhere in this sequence they have lost each other. Lost the rightness they had. Two broken hearts with broken lives and never ending problems. Or two ghosts, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, as Harry accurately said.
So he knows they couldn't just have normally dated. And he definitely knows they couldn't say this to the world. The people will never know. This will forever stay a conspiracy people either like or dislike. Forever etched into moments and glances, hints and fake denies, but never real words. Never will they say like Dan and Phil did “Are Harry and Louis in a relationship? Yes”.
Because the truth is Louis knows the answer to a question he asks himself everyday. He knows they are not Dan and Phil.
He knows that it wouldn't be different in another life. Not for them.
The incoming call on his phone takes Louis out of his long thinking process. It's Niall. Louis answers.
“Hey,” he starts.
“Hi, whatchu you doing? You haven't really answered my messages after I said about Dan and Phil.”
Louis sadly chuckles. “Yeah. I watched the video actually.”
“Uh-huh. And what do you think?” Niall asks cautiously.
He wants to laugh it off like he always does. To make a joke, to use his sarcasm. Instead he finds himself saying “It's beautiful. It's cool they are living this life.”
“Ever wondered of hard launching too? Imagine two 2010s ships between real people confirmed in one year,” Niall laughs.
“Very funny. Yeah, sure, I’ll be a guest to their podcast and announce Larry is real right there,” Louis rolls his eyes.
“That would literally break the world. Everyone would explode. The end.”
“Exactly. That's why we're gonna be the losers who're not like Dan and Phil and keep everything hidden forever, to keep balance,” Louis states.
“‘F course,” Niall falls silent. “You’re alright though?” He knows. He always knows, but laughs and jokes first before carefully asking because it's Niall and he’s the best person in the world.
Louis sighs. “I’m fine.”
He’s fine. He thinks to himself. Because he gets a grip on his life and he has an amazing family and job and everything he’s ever dreamed of. He’ll be fine.
Even if the blue and green of Phil’s sweater and his side of the symbolic bed will be forever etched in his mind. Even if the way Dan looks at Phil will never leave Louis’ brain.
He’s fine. He tells himself. Because that's what he chose. Because that's the sacrifice they made. And it wouldn't change in any other universes. He knows that.
At least Dan and Phil have a life where it is different. That's their answer. They’ve chosen to fight for it. They’ve chosen each other.
And Louis’s happy for them.