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Things with Stolas were better now that the bird was getting settled in at IMP and the flat. Plus on his meds again – Blitzø had made sure Stolas had started taking them again (+ a steady supply), after his stunt of not telling anyone (deffo not him) that he was on a fucking prescription! Still not good, but better. And that was a start.
But they did that weird dance around each other. Like, was there something between them? For sure. What? Nobody fucking knew! Blitzø had said they were not doing words. They were definitely not doing emotions. Apart from horny maybe. Big-ass-fucking-candle-horny was supposed to be the only emotion. And then the whole giving-my-life-for yours and you’re-my-heart stuff had happened. And somehow the horny was on hold. Maybe. Hopefully. Or something. Blitzø wanted to give the bird the time he needed. But the dance was driving him fucking nuts sometimes.
Why were words so fucking difficult? Because he was Blitzø fucking Buckzo of course. And everything had to be difficult with him. He had not visited Stolas in the hospital. He had basically ghosted him – and not in the good ghostfucking kinda way – for months before the fatal full-moon. He had completely fucked up that full-moon so fucking bad he didn’t even want to think about it. And still Stolas had been ready to take the hit of that headman’s axe for him.
“So, Blitzø … I’ve been thinking.” Stolas began, picking with his fork at the rat that was today’s breakfast but not really eating.
“Yeah?” Blitzø pushed a big spoonful of egg into his mouth. Stolas thinking. No news here, somehow the owl seemed to always be thinking. But there was something ominous about his tone that made Blitzø squint his eyes in suspicion. Was it the feelings/relationship-talk?
“I am very grateful that you have given me a place to stay and a job in these past few months. I know I have not been at my best but thanks to you – and all of IMP really – I feel I’m in a much stabler place now.”
It was the feelings-talk, was it? It sooooo was the feelings-talk. Blitzø shoved in more eggs, completely fixated on Stolas sitting across from him, all elegant and serious. The bird would confess his love again. And this time Blitzø wouldn’t fuck up. (Christ on a stick, he wished! He. Would. NOT. Fuck. Up.)
“I have been thinking about looking for a place of my own.”
The egg sprayed out of Blitzøs mouth like a fucking fountain, straight at Stolas.
“What?!” Blitzø slammed down the spoon. “You want to move out?”
WHAT was happening? What had he done wrong? Was the apartment too small? The food too shit? His company unbearable over periods longer than a single night (haha, yes)? Why now? Unless-
The owl blinked slowly, seemingly unfazed, and took to cleaning off the scraps of egg from his face.
“And where the fuck to?” Blitzø climbed onto the table, kicking his plate off in the process and stomping towards the bird, actually the same height for a change. “Don’t tell me that bird-thieving loser from that party offered you a place to stay?!”
“I beg your pardon?” The bird had the gall to actually look confused. “Who?”
“The fucking impcubus guy at Verosika’s party! You danced, you slobbered, you fucked, remember?!”
Stolas still seemed somewhat lost. “I hazily remember dancing and kissing. I don’t remember any ‘fucking’ that night. I would think I should, had any taken place.”
Oh. Ohhhh.
“Why are you smiling?” Stolas asked.
Yeah, why was he smiling? He shook his head and went back to glaring at the owl. (In the back of his head a tiny Verosika-like voice guilt-tripped him with “hope he gets laid”, well there had been no hoping on his part. And there certainly was none now.)
“Someone else then?”
“No?” Stolas sighed. “Blitzø, this is not about moving in with someone else. This is about Loona and you not needing to share your space anymore. I have burdened you two long enough.”
Blitzø barked a laugh. “Well that’s some bullshit.”
He plopped down on his chair again, very much done with this talk, but the owl did not seem like he was about to let it go. Stolas took a breath, interlacing his long fingers and crossing one leg over the other, looking like he steeled himself.
“I fear you might have taken me in out of a misguided feeling of obligation.” Stolas finally said. “Or mayhaps pity. And I assure you there is no need for any of that.”
“What?” Blitzø sputtered. “I mean yeah, you were fucking badass when you saved my life. And I don’t only say that because your bad feathery ass was all over my face.” He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively in the hopes of lightening the mood. Didn’t work of course. Stupid. More words then: “But I was also fucking badass when I rescued you from that ice dragon, yeah?”
A small smile appeared in Stolas eyes at the reminder. “You were very dashing.”
Blitzø grinned, very much pleased with himself. This was going well. “So: You rescued me, I rescued you. We’re pretty much even.”
The owl cocked his head, clearly not understanding what Blitzø was trying to say. Shit. That was why he was not doing words! How hard could this be?!
He threw up his hands. “You should have read more books about taking a hint instead of the fucking differences between frogs and toads!”
“I-” Stolas blinked slowly. “You remember that?”
Blitzø ignored him and instead plowed forward. “I have not taken you in out of any obligation bullshit. I take care of you because I fucking care for you!”
There was a moment of shocked silence. It had not been the l-word. It had so not been the l-word. Still the owl looked liked he was about to cry a fucking river.
“You can’t believe how happy that makes me,” Stolas said with watery eyes. “You know already, of course, that I care for you. Very much so. So will you allow me to also take care of you in return?”
“Pffft. Like what would you wanna do?” Blitzø cackled. “Cook? Do laundry? Nahhh.”
Stolas blinked away the tears. “I want to learn doing all that. But I could also … listen. When there is something on your heart.”
For the fraction of a second the circus burned before Blitzøs eyes. He gulped then let out a hysterical laugh. “Whatever! Why would there be-” He interrupted himself and forced himself to look at Stolas, all expectant and loving and beautiful. He did not want to fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. Not again.
It took Blitzø all he had to battle down the instinct to deflect. “I mean. Thank you. I don’t think I’m ready yet. But thank you.”
Stolas beak curved into an earnest smile. “I will be there when you are.”
“Anywaaay…” Blitzø gestured towards Stolas’ green notebook lying below the sofa, untouched since some days. “Why did you stop writing sexy stories about us, hm? Don’t tell me that cunt of a client got into your head. She had shit taste.”
“Ah. It’s stupid.” A self-deprecating chuckle. “Ridiculous, really. Don’t worry about it.”
So there was more to unpack there. But he didn’t press. Bird was not ready to talk about everything. Blitzø was not ready. Fair. They had all the time in hell. One step after the other.
“So. If I understand correctly, you’d prefer me to keep living here, then?”, Stolas asked. “You are absolutely sure?”
“YES!”
“I just needed it to be clear.” Stolas sounded apologetic. “To avoid further … misunderstandings. There have already been enough of those between us.”
Ha! As if those could be avoided with Blitzø.
Stolas sighed and pushed away the still untouched rat. “I fear there is no way around this,” he muttered to himself and then looked up again, beak trembling a little. “On the topic of misunderstandings. We need to finally talk about the very first one. Did you only sleep with me out of pity? Or coercion? Please be honest with me. It’s fine. I can take it.”
The bird looked so serious Blitzø aborted his suggestive eyebrow wriggling and gulped down a comment about the bird damn sure being able to take it.
“Did you only talk dirty to me because you thought I enjoyed it?” Blitzø asked instead of answering.
“Well … did you?” So that was a yes then. Fuck that fucking demon-pleasing bird.
“Heeeell no. It was cringe as fuck.” At least that was what he had tried to convince himself of for the longest time. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth though. Shit. Obviously should NOT have told Stolas that.
The bird withered visibly with shame, his crest deflating. “Oh. I see. I am so very sorry then that I presumed-”
“Satan’s taint!” Blitzø burst out. “I don’t spend the whole fucking night with someone if I don’t enjoy myself! Most of the time I didn’t, even then! So while we’re at it, also quit that pity/coercion stuff and that self-loathing crap about the whole transactional thing, yeah?!”
Stolas eyes were little round disks, but he obviously still didn’t get it.
“Do I have to spell it out for you?! I fucking suck at spelling!”
“We practiced the alphabet though-”
“Not the point, Stols!”
“That means you …” He cocked his head. “You did like it?”
Sometimes that fucking bird really was trying his nerves. And the little happy hoot sound he made should be illegal.
A sly smile crept onto the owls face, his upper eyes barely more than slits. “Careful Blitzyyy”, he cooed sweetly. “I might just take that as an invitation to ***** my whole ***** into your ****** and **** while you *****.”
The owl had way too much fun with this.
“Careful yourself big bird”, Blitzø growled and showed a toothy grin. “Or I’ll rrrrravage you right there.” (And he was so ready to. Not the bird though...)
“Hoo”, Stolas chuckled wryly. “It was that bad, wasn’t it?”
“It worked, yeah? We fucked.”
Somehow the owl managed to look sad again. Who looked sad at a nice fuck?!
“Because you were desperate for the grimoire. For a way to run your business and secure your family’s livelihood. You told me yourself you would have done anything to get it. I took advantage of your need to abuse-”
“Woah, woah! I already told you to quit that load of bullshit. You never forced me into anything. Alright?”
Stolas nodded, but did not look convinced somehow. Still all self-blaming and sad. That meant he needed even more words?! He had known the owl was greedy, but this?! He was like a bottomless hole (hehe cloaca) for words!
“It was just like...” Blitzø racked his stupid little brain for more FUCKING WORDS. “I don’t know. I always thought of you like… sooo fucking far out of my league like...”
Four round eyes stared at him. And were those fucking tears starting to form? Again?!
Say something Blitzø... Say something so the featherbrain doesn’t start crying for real!
“idk the fucking stars or something.”
Satan, that sounded like some sappy rom-com bs. And of course the tears started flowing. Blitzø had opened the fucking waterworks of that bird. He scrambled to the other side of the table and started gently patting Stolas’ back.
“There, there.” Blitzø murmured. “No need to cry.”
“It’s just …” Stolas sniffed. “I always thought of you as the moon. Illuminating the darkness in my heart, yet unreachable, only to be yearned for. You taught me what it meant to be free. And that even I could be. You-”
Before the sap infected him any more Blitzø launched himself face-first at the dramatic bird, who let out a little surprised squawk, both of them tumbling towards the sofa and over the backrest into the cushions. Blitzø held onto the thin body in a death-grip and after what felt like an eternity the owl returned the embrace, soft fingers slowly stroking his back and trailing the spikes.
“You’re my light,” Stolas sighed contentedly.
Blitzø buried his face further in the chest feathers. “SO not saying it.”
“I don’t expect you to.” A little peck on his head followed, right between his horns.
“You’re my heart.” Blitzø mumbled into the feathers, barely audible. So softly it could have been any words, really.
Stolas hugged him even closer. “I love you, Blitzø” he whispered, the smile obvious in his voice.
Fuck goetia hearing.