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Curiosity is a dangerous, yet rewarding thing. After all, curiosity killed the cat. It hadn’t killed him yet, but he certainly felt like dying from embarrassment whenever he gave in to his… urges. It wasn’t anything bad, per say. Nothing like the demon blood had been, but it still felt wrong somehow, even though he knew that there was nothing wrong with it. It wasn’t hurting anyone. He was an adult, not to mention a hunter. He saved people, got rid of the bad guys! He deserved some good things. Maybe. He’d done some pretty bad things too. But this wasn’t about that. Well, it kind of was. He knew that part of it was about no longer having to make decisions, no longer making mistakes, no longer being Sam Winchester, and everything associated with what that meant. He’d seen and experienced so much pain, grief, and misery in his life. He needed, no deserved, a few hours where all of that went away, and he was just Sammy. Nothing more, nothing less.
It had started so innocently. He’d been at the bunker, having some alone time. He’d been looking though photos of scantily clad women, when he’d come across the image. He didn’t find anything sexually attractive about the image, but it made him feel… weird inside. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was he had felt. At the time, he’d just ignored it and continued looking around at images online. But after that image, he no longer felt any desire to masturbate. He’d ended up just shutting his laptop and gone to bed, without seeking release.
Over the next few weeks, he’d found himself thinking about the image he’d seen. It’s been a woman, nothing special. But what had been special had been the fluffy white diaper taped around her hips. He’d thought about it, a lot. Why was she wearing it? What did it feel like, to wear a diaper? That last question had been the one that had been haunting him the most. It kept him up some nights, wondering what it would be like to have a thick diaper taped to his own hips. Would it be weird? Or would it feel comfortable? He didn’t know. But he had to find out.
It took him a couple weeks before he was alone on a supply run and he had the courage to go to the health and hygiene section of the store. They sat there, innocently on the shelf. Adult diapers. They were for people who had incontinence, but he just wanted to try. It wasn’t going to become a common thing. He was just curious. Nothing more, nothing less. He’d researched how to make his own at home, but they had seemed rather unsanitary to him. Also, Dean would think it was weird if he was going to be putting pee soaked towels in the wash. He grabbed a pack, put it in his cart, and went to check out. Self-check-out of course, he didn’t want anyone, especially Dean to know about his little experiment.
It was hard not to immediately open them and try them on, to see what it was like. He had to wait though, he had to wait until Dean went to bed. Then he’d try them on. It felt like forever before Dean said he was tired and went to his room. Sam went soon after, but he wasn’t going to bed. He didn’t feel tired at all. He quietly closed the door behind him and locked it, and went to the chest by the wall. He opened it, and reached into it and pulled out the adult diapers from their hiding place. He quickly stripped and ripped open the package in his haste to try the diapers on. He pulled one out and stared at it for a bit before putting it on. It felt… It felt so comfortable. It was thick and squishy. He slid his hands over the diaper. He sat down on the floor. He felt somewhat off, somewhat different. He pulled out one of the blankets from the chest, one of the ones that the diapers had been hiding beneath. It was so soft. He brought it to his face and rubbed against it. Sam yawned, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. He pulled the blanket closer, then laid down on the floor. He was so tired. He fell asleep.
Sam woke up slowly. He was a little cold. He blinked and sat up. He was sitting on the floor with a blanket. The memories came flooding back from the previous night. His experiment, the diapers. He looked down, and sure enough, he was wearing a white diaper, and worst of all, he’d peed in it. Mortified, he jumped up and ran to the bathroom. He pulled off the wet and soggy diaper and threw it in the trash. He… He’d gone while he’d been sleeping. He… he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He covered the diaper in the trash with some toilet paper, went back in to his room, grabbed the rest of the diapers and shoved them and the blanket back in to the chest. Out of sight, out of mind. He’d throw those away when he had a chance, when Dean was gone.
The chest weighed on his mind. He’d tried multiple times to open it and throw them away, but every time he opened it, pulled aside the blanket and stared at the package, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t throw them away. He couldn’t bear to do it. After the fifth time this happened, he accepted it. He couldn’t throw them away. He would still open the chest though, and stare at the diapers. He wanted to wear them. He needed to do some research.
Research he did. There was an entire community of people out there who liked to wear diapers. They also did far more than him though. They had giant cribs, pacifiers, stuffed animals, onesies, and printed diapers. He didn’t want to get that far. He wouldn’t get that far. He just liked diapers. That’s it. Nothing else. He also didn’t have a little headspace.
He kept being proven wrong. He’d been with Dean on a supply run, and he’d happened to walk down the toy aisle. There were so cute and soft looking. He’d been drawn to them immediately. He couldn’t help himself and he stroked some of their faces. Then he saw it. It was a soft and floppy looking dog. It reminded him of Bones, the dog that he’d befriended long ago, when he’d ran away.
“What are you doing? There’s nothing for hunting over here.”
“I-uh, I was just…” Sam stuttered. Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam.
“It looks like Bones.” Sam said eventually. Dean walked over, grabbed the stuffed dog from Sam and looked at it.
“Hmm. You’re right, it kinda does. It’s a golden yellow and a dog. But that’s really it.” Dean continued to stare at it. He then turned and looked and looked at Sam and asked, “Do you want to get it or something?”
“What- A stuffed animal? I don’t need a stuffed animal. It just reminded me of Bones, that’s all.”
“Alright.” Dean said after a brief pause, giving Sam a suspicious look. “Well, let’s go. We have salt and food to get.” Dean turned and walked away. With one last glance at the stuffed dog, Sam left as well. He’d have to come back some other time and get the dog.
Bones later joined the diapers in the chest. Unlike the diapers, he would actually take Bones out and cuddle him to his chest. Cuddling and liking Bones was easier to accept than the diapers. Bones sometimes got to spend the night in his bed and not in the chest. He vowed not to get anything else. He wasn’t a baby. He was an adult!
He needed to stop going on supply runs. He kept getting tempted. Sometimes he would resist. Other times, he would give in. He had a nice little collection now. He had some more stuffed animals. Bones was still his favorite though. He had some blankets now too. Baby blankets. He also had some toys now. He had some wooden blocks, some stacking rings, and a few picture books. He also had some bath toys. His favorites were the boats. He had yet to use them. He just liked looking at them for now. He didn’t think he could use them. Not yet. He might eventually. But not now.
He held out a little longer before he tried on the diapers again. He’d been collecting all of this stuff, and he desperately wanted to use it instead of just stare at it longingly. Not long after he’d put them on, he felt himself relax. He’d then dragged Bones towards him and played with his wooden blocks. He felt so good, so at peace. He hadn’t been at peace in such a long time. All of his worried just melted away. He had fallen asleep sometime while he was playing. When he woke up, his diaper was wet. Once again, Sam panicked. He’d somewhat expected it, especially after the last time, but it still shocked him. He hastily put everything away, and it stayed away for a long time. He struggled with the temptation to wear the diapers and let all of his worries and guilt melt away. But he never lasted too long, and all of his supplies and toys came out again when he finally gave in.
Sam had started to accept it at this point. He was an adult baby. He would never admit it to anyone or ever say it out loud, but in the corners of his mind, it was okay to accept who he was. What he was. It became much easier once he’d begun to accept it. He still had the urges and the longing to be a baby, but with him willingly giving in to his urges, it was becoming easier to manage. He only needed to become a little about once a week. He’d allowed himself to add more to his collection, and he added different items too. He’d ordered some pacifiers and onesies. He also ordered some diapers that were specifically made for adult babies. They were... so much better than the other ones. They were much thicker than the others, and they had different babyish prints on them. He definitely wasn’t going back.
Due to his researched, he knew that it would appear eventually. His little headspace. It had still surprised him though. Sammy was… Sammy was so carefree compared to him. He was a little worried that they were split somehow, that he and Sammy were different personalities. But they were the same in basically everything but age. Sammy made being an adult baby much easier. But Sammy was a bit younger than he’d expected. He’d expected Sammy to be four or five, not two. Sammy was also more open about what he wants. And Sammy, Sammy wanted to play with Dean. Sammy also wanted someone else to change his diapers and put him in onesies. He didn’t want to worry about that sort of stuff, Sammy just wanted to play. Sammy would grumpily change his own diapers and put himself in his onesies. He was an adult though. He shouldn’t need this. He shouldn’t want this. But he did. Sammy proved that he wasn’t as grown up as he’d like.
Sam still resisted sometimes, before he became Sammy. He knew he’d become Sammy eventually. He was just delaying it. It was only a matter of time before Sam went away and Sammy came out to play. He stared at the chest against the wall. It contained a false bottom, which he had put in himself one afternoon when he had some free time, in order to make his collection more discrete.
Dean had left the bunker an hour or two ago to go to a bar. He was probably picking up women, and would be gone all night. He couldn’t exactly bring his one night stands to the bunker. Sammy didn’t really like being alone, being without Dean. But Sam, he refused to even consider ever telling Dean about being little and being Sammy. Such thoughts were immediately rejected and shoved in to the back of his mind, no matter how much Sammy wanted a playmate, or wanted to be picked up and cuddled, he couldn’t get it. Sam refused to give that to him. He had given Sammy so much already, far more than he had been comfortable giving. Yes, he’d become more accepting of it, but that didn’t mean he still wasn’t uncomfortable with it sometimes. Give a kid an inch and they’ll take a mile.
He slowly sat up and walked toward the chest. He was starting to fall in to his headspace, in to Sammy. After being Sammy for a few hours, he felt so relaxed and it took his guilt a long time to return. He knelt down and opened the chest. It has some sweaters on top, and beneath that, some blankets for winter. He carefully pulled them out, and felt along the back right hand corner till he felt the small hole he could fit a finger in. He put his finger in, curled it, and then pulled. The false wooden bottom slid up with his hand, until it was no longer in the chest. Inside were his treasures. Sammy’s treasures. Bones grinned up him, his ears all over the place. He smiled at how happy and cute Bones looked. Sam gently took the Bones out of the chest. Bones was still so soft and cute, even after all the abuse Sammy had put it through. He stroked the fur of its face, mesmerized by soft feeling. He cuddled Bones against his chest and leaned down to give him a soft kiss on his head. He reached in and pulled out a bag of blocks. The blocks would have to be for later. He wasn’t deep enough yet. He wasn’t Sammy yet, but he wasn’t Sam either. The next bag had bath toys. Some ducks and fish, along with two toy boats. One for him and one for Dean. But Dean wasn’t here. His brother wasn’t here, and couldn’t be here. Never for this. Sam felt his eye pricking with fresh tears. Sam shook his head and moved on. He pulled out the diapers next. He quickly grabbed a pair of footy pajamas out of the chest. Sighing, he stood up and placed Bones on the bed, giving him another kiss before he put the dog down. He gathered everything Sammy would need for a bath and went in to the bathroom. He was a little too large for the tub, but installing a bigger tub was not possible at the moment. It might never be possible, as neither Sam nor Dean were plumbers.
He started the bath, making sure the water was warm and putting plenty of bubbles in the tub. He then began to take his clothes off, struggling to get the shirt over his head. He tossed it on the floor and began to take of his jeans. He fumbled with the belt and the zipper, but eventually managed to open them and remove his pants. His boxers came off next. Sammy had trouble getting clothes on and off.
The tub was nearly full at this point. He climbed in and sunk down as much as he could due to his large frame. The warm water felt so nice and relaxing. But he needed to be big just a little longer. Just long enough to wash his hair, and then he had to be big enough in order to put his diaper and pajamas on by himself. Then he could be Sammy without any interruptions. Just a little longer before he could play and immerse himself in his little headspace, in to Sammy.
After he washed his hair, he grabbed his toy bag and dumped it in the water with him. The fishies fell in and began hiding from the fishing boats. Sammy giggled. He’d have to help the fish stay away from the boats. The ducks meandered around, searching for bread to eat among all of the bubbles. Who to help first? The fishies or the duckies? Sammy hummed thoughtfully. He’d help the fishies first. They couldn’t be caught by the fishermen! Then they’d be eaten!
Sammy continued to play in the water till it started to get cold. He hated this part. Becoming a little bit bigger, just long enough get out, dry off, and dress himself. Why did he have to? He wanted to stay being Sammy! It wasn’t fair! He hardly ever go to be Sammy! Why couldn’t someone else be big for him? Why couldn’t De be here and be big for him? Sammy started to sniffle and tears fell down his cheeks. He slowly stood up and got out of the tub, wobbling a few times as he did so. He pulled to towel down off the rack and wrapped himself up. He sat down on his butt and rubbed the towel along his skin to dry off. He grumbled to himself as he dragged the diaper off of the counter and pulled it towards him. He opened it up, then lifted himself and sat down in it. He pawed at the cabinet, in order to get the baby power. He put some on himself and couldn’t help but giggle at the little white clouds that came from dusting himself in the powder.
He taped himself securely in to his diaper and hummed. The padding felt so nice and squishy. He pulled the footy pajamas off the counter and tried to put it on. It took him multiple tries and some tears of frustration before he finally got them on. Sammy grinned then crawled out the door to his room. Sam had left the blocks out for him to play with! He’d leave everything in the bathroom for Sam to clean up tomorrow. It was playtime!
Sammy began playing with the blocks, stacking them and making towers. Maybe if he made a really good one, Sam would show it to De! He’d be so proud of Sammy. Maybe he’d show Sammy how to make bigger and better towers! De was good at that sort of stuff. De was good at everything! Sammy continued playing, building and rebuilding towers until he fell asleep on the floor. He’d had a good night. He’d gotten to play. Tomorrow, he would be Sam again. He’d have responsibilities and lots of things to do. He’d continue to have the weight of the world on his shoulders till the next time he became Sammy. And while Sam still struggled with his love of diapers and being little, he’d secretly look forward to the next chance to be Sammy. His next chance at being free for a few hours.