Chapter Text
"Excuse me?" says Hobi. "Sorry, my English..."
"Pregnant," repeats the medic. "Uh --" He looks wildly over to where the translators and the managers and the rest of the band are grouped. "Will you -- ----- ---?"
"No -- no, I know --" Hobi lowers his voice and ignores the words he didn't quite understand. "Pregnant. I know pregnant. Is this true? Real?"
"Yes." Now the medic looks bewildered, and holds out the tablet. Hobi recongizes enough of the english -- some of it's in red, like "Vitamin C" and "Vitamin K" and "Pregnant". Fucking hell what.
"I think -- I think it is wrong," he says, carefully sounding out the words. Whose idea was it to have an English-speaking medic with no Korean? He touches his chest. This one he knows in English. "Carrier negative."
The medic raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "Carrier positive," he insists. "Two tests." He taps the tablet. "Pregnant."
Hobi sucks in a long breath. He puts his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Finally he looks up at the medic.
"Do. Not. Tell," he enunciates. There is no possibility of the medic misunderstanding. Do not tell.
"Uh," says the medic, and looks over to the group of people waiting to find out why Hobi collapsed on stage and had to be carried off and didn't wake up for more than ten minutes and couldn't finish the show. Fuck. He should have known something was wrong when the medic wanted to talk to him alone first.
Hobi glares at him until he wilts.
"I have to," the medic says slowly, also enunciating. "Tour insurance."
Well Hobi also fucking knows those words. The amount of shit they have to disclose for tour insurance that gets passed along to the company (or vice versa) means they have almost no medical privacy. On the other hand it also means that's how they know none of them are carriers -- genetic testing for insurance right from the beginning. Male carriers are only just starting to be allowed into k-pop groups; if Hobi had actually been a carrier back then, he would never have been accepted into Bangtan. Bang PD would have had to find --
He would have had to find another dancer who would and could also rap.
Not that Hobi had been super great at rapping at the beginning, but he also could and would drill the band late into the night until every step was perfect, and work harder than anyone to perfect Bangtan's signature hip-hop style. And nothing proves that so well as when they get on stage on this tour and have to remember the old choreography at the drop of a hat and they all can.
Shit.
Is this why they all are on contraceptives? Not to make sure they don't impregnate anyone else, but because Hobi is a carrier and has been this whole time and Bang PD was hiding it from him? And the insurance company? And their investors? And them?
Hobi'd had his implant taken out before he enlisted, to give himself a break -- he wasn't going to be fucking anyone then, or when he got out and was mostly alone. He's way beyond the point in his life where meaningless hookups are interesting, and hyung --
Fuck, who cares.
He scrubs his hand over his face. "Okay, tell insurance," he says. He waves to get the attention of his members, and points for Joon. Joon and hyung come over, which is... very much not what Hobi wanted. Wants. At least manager-hyung stays back -- he can tell Hobi wants his members, not his manager. He's good at reading Hobi, which is sometimes annoying, but today a relief.
He does not want to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with, just tell Joon right now -- he wants to keep his secret as long as possible, and... and what? Have a baby? What a fucking joke. Joon would tell everyone anyway. Either on purpose or accidentally because he can't keep anything a secret.
The medic is biting his lip when Joon and Yoongi hyung get there. Hobi snaps his fingers, not even feeling bad for being rude, and points to the tablet, and the medic hands it over.
Yoongi touches the tape holding the needle in Hobi's arm for the IV infusion -- just the lightest touch, glide over it, and then puts his hands in his pockets.
Hobi hands the tablet to Joon, and does exactly what the medic did: "Pregnant," he says. But in Korean, a civilized language that everyone speaks. Except the medic.
Yoongi hyung freezes. Hobi only notices because he's watching. Instead of watching Joon, who is looking down at the tablet.
Joon goes through the exact same process Hobi had: But you're not a carrier? But you tested negative as a carrier. You had to test negative to be part... oh... part of Bangtan... oh... shit... What about tour insurance?
Fucking hell. At least he doesn't say, What about the investors? But that's not fair -- Joon would never say that. Hobi's brain is just freaking out like the rest of him.
The whole time, hyung doesn't move. Doesn't tap a foot or a finger, doesn't lick his lips, doesn't raise his eyebrows. Doesn't look away from Hobi. Hobi refuses to look at him; instead, he keeps his eyes on Joon.
Finally, Joon seems to come to an internal decision. He hands the tablet back to the medic, says in English, "Thank you," and then something Hobi doesn't quite understand. English words are sharp and somehow also slur together so much. Then he turns back to Hobi. "With me, I want to talk to you privately."
"I..." Hobi looks over at the IV drip.
"You can go," says the medic, and pulls the tape off, sliding the needle out. Hobi rubs at the spot where it was. It hurts every time, except it shouldn't. It's like a phantom ache. Like the way his stomach feels so heavy right now, even though there's only a cluster of cells sitting in it.
Joon holds up a hand to the whole group of people waiting, and steps away, out the door. Minho hyung joins them, and Joon says, "I need a room," and Minho hyung nods, doesn't ask any questions, just leads them down the hall, speaking English into his phone. Someone meets them at a door around several corners, and unlocks it, lets them in.
"Just us," Joon says to Minho, who nods, and positions himself outside the room. They don't do this often -- just themselves, with the managers and everyone else locked out. Hobi thinks back to notable times: 2012 when Joon, Hobi, Yoongi hyung, and Seokjin hyung had made the pact about Jimin; 2014 when Yoongi hyung finally told them the truth about his shoulder; 2015 when they realized Jeongguk had been hiding that one of the managers was hitting him; 2018 when they were deciding what to do about disbanding; 2020 when Jimin and Jeongguk called them all together to announce they were getting married; 2024 right after hyung was discharged and they had to decide where to go from there.
Yoongi hyung is still with them, hands still balled into fists in the pockets of his jeans. A muscle in his jaw is twitching. Hobi hasn't seen this blank look on his face in years. Years. Especially not now, not when he's finally settling into himself, happier than he's ever been, therapy, meds, running, making music...
And it's Hobi's fault.
The room has three couches positioned in a semi-circle around a table, and bright overhead lights. One of the lights is flickering, and Hobi can already feel a headache brewing from it.
Joon collapses onto one of the couches, legs spread wide, head tilted backward. His throat moves as he swallows. Yoongi hyung stays pressed against the door. Hobi doesn't know where to go, so he's grateful when Joon says, "Sit," in a voice that brooks no argument.
He sits.
"This is real?" demands Joon, still looking up at the ceiling. He sounds so harsh and flat, but Hobi knows he's just... processing. He probably isn't angry yet. He will be, but not yet.
"Yes," says Hobi hoarsely. "I don't know why the medic would lie."
He wants to put a hand over his stomach, but he tucks them under his thighs instead. He's still in his final outfit, which is comfortable enough but smells like stage sweat and fear sweat. He suddenly wants to rip off all his clothes and look at himself in a mirror, even though he knows there's nothing to see.
"We're going to have to tell Bang PD," says Joon, still not looking at Hobi, still in his harsh, figuring things out, leadernim voice. "What are we telling him?"
"Uh," says Hobi. He should have known, though, that for all of Joon's talk of not being in charge of a group of 30-something year old men, he would still take charge in a crisis like this.
Hobi looks over at Yoongi hyung. He can't help it. But hyung's face is blank. His eyes are empty. There's no help from that quarter, and Hobi's stomach twists with guilt for putting that look on hyung's face. Even though hyung...
When he looks back at Joon, Joon is still staring at the ceiling, arms stretched over the back of the couch, legs spread wide. He's already wearing his post-show clothes, sweatpants and a Bulbasaur shirt that Hobi is 90% sure is Jin hyung's and slides. They finished the show without Hobi, the last hour, and now they're on a time limit; they need to get finished and go so the arena can be shut down and the workers can go home.
This situation is holding up everyone, making trouble. Hobi fucking prides himself on not making trouble -- he's always holding the line, making sure everyone's on time and has all their stuff. He's never late, he's never a mess, he always hits his mark. He's a professional.
Except today.
"I -- I don't want --" Hobi falters. Yoongi hyung's still wearing stage makeup and is one of the palest people Hobi knows, but his face very visibly pales. His lips go white.
Joon sits up and leans forward, elbows on knees, and looks at Hobi seriously. "You don't want it?"
"I found out two seconds before you," Hobi manages to get out. "I haven't processed, I don't know, I don't know how to make this decision. I just don't want..."
"We have to tell Bang PD," Joon repeats carefully. "Tour insurance will know at the latest by tomorrow morning, There are people we need to tell before that so this doesn't get sprung on them. I don't want to pressure you, but whether you want to keep it or... not..."
Hobi is so grateful Joon didn't say "get rid of it".
"It's something you need to decide," he finishes. Then he adds, "If you decide... there's no reason anyone else would ever need to know besides us and a few people at Hybe and the insurance."
Hobi can't look away from Yoongi hyung and his drawn face. Going grey. Mouth in a thin line. Not blank anymore, but Hobi has no idea what he's thinking.
"What if I want to keep it?" he asks. Ostensibly he's asking Joon, but he's looking at Yoongi hyung. "What if I say fuck Bangtan and fuck our tour and fuck our next comeback and fuck all of you and fuck me, fuck my career, I want this baby, I'm already 32, I want to have this baby. What then?"
Hobi's looking so closely at Yoongi hyung that he doesn't miss the way hyung's nostrils flare. But hyung can be so hard to read when he isn't deliberately making expressions -- disapproval? Approval? Desire? Disgust?
"Hobah..." Joon is talking but Hobi can't hear him. His head is all static and the way Yoongi hyung is clenching his jaw.
"Hyung," Hobi says -- tries to. He doesn't think he makes a sound, just the shape of the word with his mouth.
Yoongi hyung pushes off the door and comes over and crouches down in front of Hobi, takes his hands. Hobi's heart swells. Is this --
"Hobah, if you want to keep this child, you can keep this child," says hyung, and Hobi can't help it. Tears spring to his eyes. He blinks them away. Tries to. This isn't exactly what he'd hoped hyung would say to him, but it's not not a thing he apparently wants to hear. It's just not all of what he wants to hear.
"Hyung," he says unsteadily, and Yoongi hyung squeezes his hands.
"I promise, Hoseok ah. Hyung promises that nothing will be fucked if you want to keep o -- this baby."
Keep our baby, Hobi knows hyung almost says. He wishes he had. He's so glad he hadn't.
"Everything will be fucked," Hobi says, throat tight. "Everything. Everyone's careers, and -- you know what it's still like for carriers in Korea, and -- my parents --"
He feels like he's choking. He can't breathe. The only thing he can feel is hyung squeezing his hands. Then hyung lets go and Hobi almost panics -- feels like he's about to have a panic attack for the first time since 2012.
But hyung is just moving one hand to Hobi's abdomen, where a little cluster of cells that is half j-hope and half SUGA are growing. Half Hoseok and half Yoongi. All them.
"Hoseok ah. Hyung promises," Yoongi stresses. "If you want more time to think, hyung will get you more time. If you want to -- to -- be done with it, hyung will help you." He presses his lips together for a moment at that, takes a deep breath. "And if you want to keep it, hyung will make it happen for you. And nothing will be fucked."
Yoongi hyung twists and looks over his shoulder.
"Isn't that right, Joon?" he demands.
When Hobi looks over at Namjoon, too, he's got a dumbstruck look on his face.
"Joon," says Yoongi hyung sternly.
"What?" yelps Namjoon, strategic planner leadernim gone and Joonie in his place. "Hyung, of course." He looks right at Hobi and says, "Hobi, of course. We're your brothers. That's never going to change! We're always going to be seven! You know -- you know we'll all be right beside you. Whatever you decide. We love you. We, uh, the baby, there's..." He gives up on whatever he was going to say. "I just need to know what to tell hyungnim."
Yoongi hyung squeezes Hobi's hand, and turns to Joon. "He needs more time to think about it. We can tell --"
"No," Hobi interrupts. He didn't realize he was going to say that until it was out of his mouth, but there's something bubbling inside him. Something he'll need to take out and examine, but at a later date. Much later. Maybe not until a few years after this baby is born.. "I don't need more time, I don't, I want it. I want it, please, I want this baby, I want --"
He swallows hard around the lump in his throat. Yoongi hyung is squeezing his hand so tightly. He looks away from Joon to look at hyung, and he's not having a problem reading his expression now. His eyes are shining, teary, and his cheeks are pink.
Softly, so quietly, so Joon can't hear, he says, "Hyung, I want our baby. Is that okay?"
"That's okay, Hobah," says hyung just as softly. Then, so Joon can hear: "It's better than okay. It's -- it's amazing. But you don't have to decide now. You can take more time."
"I don't need more time," Hobi says in his regular voice. There's still a pit in his stomach, because fine -- Joon is okay, or at least pretending to be. Hyung is -- no, Hobi can't think about that. But what about the others? What if they don't want their careers fucked up by more of Bang PD's lies and Hobi's mistake and... "But I think we should have a band meeting so everyone --"
"No band meeting," says Joon. He slaps his hands on his thighs and stands up. "Just like Jeonggukie and Jiminah, this is not a band decision. This is a you decision, and we'll support you and just work around it."
Suddenly Joon is beaming, dimples and all his teeth showing. "Our first baby!" He claps his hands together. "You know hyung is going to be so mad it's not his! I can't wait to tell him."
"Hobi is going to tell him," says Yoongi hyung. He stands up and tugs Hobi up too. "Hobi will tell everyone what he wants them to know."
He meets Hobi's eyes significantly, like it's not significant just to make eye contact, and then leads Hobi out of the room.
"Let's get you changed," he says, "and let everyone see that you're okay."
Joon follows, bouncing a little, like Hobi blowing up all their lives is the best thing to happen to him since they finalized the track list for Arirang. Joon takes care of everyone else, telling them that Hobi is fine and they'll talk more about his health back at the hotel; Yoongi hyung takes care of Hobi. Helps him undress, helps him take off his makeup. He's sweaty and disgusting, but he'll shower back at the hotel.
They'd planned to do a full band live, but Hobi doesn't think that's going to happen.
He feels weirdly numb, like he's not entirely there. But that doesn't mean he isn't captivated by Yoongi hyung -- the way he keeps smiling, then trying to suppress it, but then smiling again like he can't help it. His dark eyes are so bright, and his face is flushed the way he gets when he's happy or excited -- or really angry or drunk, but not when he's sad or upset.
Hobi lets hyung take off his clothes and hand them to the costume noonas, and then dress him again in soft loungewear. The noonas let him; they do this sometimes, take care of each other like this. It's not unprecedented, although hyung has never done it for Hobi before. First because they just didn't take care of each other like that, and then because... they didn't...
They weren't hiding it exactly. But they didn't tell anyone.
Hyung had clearly not wanted to tell anyone. Hobi kind of got the feeling hyung was embarrassed. He can't say why, can't put his finger on it, on a specific thing hyung did or said that made Hobi feel that way. But there was something, something had been just not quite right.
And then it had been over anyway, so what was the difference?
But hyung just walked down a hallway holding his hand, and is carefully using makeup wipes to take off the first several layers of his stage makeup, leaning in and squinting without his glasses.
They're the last ones out, in the last car, and they hold hands the whole time. Hobi can't believe Joon was in that room with them and hadn't realized... Or maybe he had realized. After all, he hadn't asked Hobi who the other parent is. Wouldn't that be the first question? Or the second. (1) How was your carrier test wrong? (2) Who knocked you up?
Three: How could you be so irresponsible to have unprotected sex after all this? What if you'd gotten an STI!
Hobi's actually never had unprotected sex with a stranger. Only once with Tae, years ago, before they even flew first class when they traveled; then with hyung. And who cared? Neither of them had anything -- they were tested constantly for all kinds of things -- and neither of them were carriers.
Fucking Bang PD.
Hobi can't be too mad at him, but still -- he should have told Hobi. Hobi can keep a fucking secret, he doesn't need Bang PD deciding what he should and shouldn't know about his own health.
He pushes away the thought that they were both supposed to have a birth control implant. Hyung had taken his out, too. Why?
None of Hobi's business anymore, anyway.
He slumps against hyung, and hyung puts an arm around his shoulders and tugs him even closer. This is the first time they've been so close since... Since. His smallest hyung, who is nevertheless so strong with such broad shoulders. He could carry the weight of the world -- has carried the weight of the world. And now Hobi is one more weight for him.
"Come on, Hobi," hyung says, and shakes him a little. "Wake up, baby -- wake up, Hobah."
Baby? Was he talking to their baby?
Hobi rubs his eyes. "I'm not asleep," he grumbles, even though he's pretty sure he was. He's also starving -- he missed post-show snack, and feels like his muscles are eating themselves. "Do I get food?"
Hyung rolls his eyes, but squeezes Hobi's hand. "I ordered us all steak and one of the runners is getting spicy ramen. You know hyung will feed you well, Hoba. Doesn't he always?"
"Yes, hyung," says Hobi obediently. Because it's true, hyung does always feed him well. Both his hyungs do, but Yoongi hyung takes particular care. Or he did until... well... he did. He had. And now he will again, apparently.
Everyone is in the big suite; Yoongi hyung drops Hobi's hand before they walk in. Hobi doesn't know what he had been expecting.
"Hyung," says Jeongguk worriedly, from where he's sprawled over Jimin's lap.
"I'm fine," says Hobi with as much authority as he can muster. Which isn't much, he knows, since he probably still looks like warmed-over shit. "Really, Jeonggukah, hyung is fine. Hyung just needs a shower desperately."
Joon makes a little noise and movement and Hobi looks over. Joon lobs a pile at him. "Clean clothes," he says. "I knew you'd want a shower."
Hobi beams at him. He doesn't even care that Joon took perfectly folded clothes out of his suitcase and somehow crumpled them all up into a wrinkled ball. Joon picked the perfect change: pink fleece pajama pants and a matching pink t-shirt, one of the soft ones. No underwear, but that's Joon up and down. Thoughtful and forgetful in one.
He keeps his eyes closed in the shower, and his back to the mirror while he's drying off. It's so nice to be clean, all the old sweat and residue from the makeup removal scrubbed off. He's usually much more careful with his skin, but he feels like there is an entire layer of grime on him that needed to be forcibly peeled away.
There is a moment, he can't help it, he has to touch his stomach. He's worked hard for this body, works hard every day to make sure it can do all the things he needs it to, from running to dancing to looking beautiful and appealing. What's he going to look like when that's all gone and the baby is there? What's he going to look like after the baby? His mom to this day complains that she's never been able to lose the baby weight she gained with Hobi, that her thighs have never been the same, that she can't get rid of the stomach flab.
Hobi shuts his eyes and tries to picture his mom's body. He can't, though -- he doesn't think he's ever even noticed the belly flab. She's just his mom. She just looks like his mom all the time. She'd complained that he hadn't noticed that she'd gotten grey while he was enlisted, but... he hadn't noticed. She was his mom, that was truly all he saw when he looked at her.
ARMY isn't going to feel that way about him, though. If he ends up with some kind of belly flab from this? They will never let him forget it. Probably some people will think he should be fired from the band for it, if they aren't already calling for his execution because he had a baby with no husband. And no... No baby's other parent, right?
Because Hobi is keeping the baby, Hobi has to tell people, but Yoongi hyung didn't say anything about telling people the baby is also his.
Fuck.
When he realizes someone is knocking on the door, it is also when he realizes that he's tucked himself all the way in the corner of the bathroom, on the floor, under the counter with the sink. He can't get out in time -- the door opens and someone's feet come in, and they crouch down.
It's Jimin.
"I got sent to come get you, hyung," he says solemnly. "Do you need a hug?"
"No," Hobi chokes out, but Jiminie crawls under the sink with him anyway. Everything in America is so big. Two people of their size shouldn't be able to fit under a sink. There's probably room for Jeongguk too. Well, maybe half of Jeongguk.
Jiminie knocks their shoulders together, but can't squeeze his arm around Hobi.
"Whatever is wrong, hyung, we're going to deal with it together," he says. "It's not like before. We're going to do everything together for the rest of our lives and nothing is going to stop us."
"Don't say that until you know," says Hobi miserably.
"I don't need to know," Jiminie says. It's comforting how solid he is, how sure he is in their relationship. "Whatever it is, we're going to deal with it, and we're going to be together until we die, and then we'll probably be together after we die, too."
"We'll haunt the shit out of each other," jokes Hobi weakly, but Jiminie nods.
"I fucking will," he says.
Hobi bonks his forehead onto Jiminie's shoulder.
"Hyung is fine," he says, even though he's definitely not fine and Jimin can probably tell. "Let's go eat. Hyung said he ordered steak?"
Jiminie grins at him, cheeks like perfect rice cakes. "Yoongi hyung ordered like a whole cow, you would not believe the amount of steak out there." He slides out and helps Hobi slide out, and slings an arm around his shoulders to guide him out of the bathroom.
When they get to where the others are sitting, empty plates scattered around, and cups full of alcohol, bottles of beer all over, Jiminie, the traitor, announces, "Hyung didn't fold his dirty clothes," and pushes him toward Seokjin hyung, who opens his arms. Hobi falls into them, and is immediately pulled onto hyung's lap, and squeezed.
"The last time hyung didn't fold his dirty clothes, he had pneumonia," says Tae. "Hyung, is it pneumonia?"
"Hyung would be wearing a mask if he had pneumonia," Jeongguk says, the only one still eating. The steak he's making his way through is as big as his head, so Hobi doesn't want to know what size it started at. He's also got three baked potatoes on his plate. He must have skipped his post-show workout to be eating like this. Hobi fucked up everyone's routines.
"Maybe he doesn't know he has pneumonia," points out Jimin. The hand he has on Jeongguk's thigh is rubbing the denim, but not in a way that makes Hobi want to lock them in a bedroom. In a sweet way. No one rubs Hobi's thigh like that.
"Hyung does not have pneumonia," Hobi says firmly. "It's.... something else. And -- and you might be -- you might be mad and that's okay. Hyung can take it, okay? If you're --"
"No one is mad!" says Joon a little too loudly. "Fuck, Hoba..."
"Everyone's going to be mad, Joon. Just because you aren't doesn't mean that everyone else is going to be okay."
"It can't be that bad if Nyamjoonie hyung isn't mad," points out Jeongguk.
Hobi settles closer to Seokjin, who whispers, "Bet I can guess."
But when Hobi looks up to see if hyung actually wants to guess, hyung is already off in his own world again. Probably building a new MapleStory character in his head.
"It's really bad," mutters Hobi, back to feeling like he's made a bad decision, a wrong decision, and needs to walk it back.
"Are you... sick?" asks Jeongguk worriedly. "Hyung... If you're sick, you should tell us."
"I'm not sick. Kind of," says Hobi. "I'm... uh..." He looks around the room. Jiminie and Jeongguk are wide-eyed and look nervous. Tae is leaning on Jimin, on the other side from Jeongguk, and is watching Hobi calmly, patiently. He can't see hyung, but Joon is smiling, all dimples and teeth again.
And Yoongi hyung...
He's got his arms wrapped around his knees, an empty plate in front of him, and he nods at Hobi.
"I..." Hobi starts again.
Yoongi makes the tiniest movement -- he's giving Hobi finger hearts. His hand is low, by his knee, but Yoongi hyung is making finger hearts. Without anyone from the band or staff to tell him he has to.
"I'm having a baby," he blurts out.
Dead silence.
Then Jiminie clears his throat and says carefully, "Hobi hyung, I don't think any of us knew you were seeing someone."
He startles, looks around. Jiminie and Tae look grim, Jeongguk has that look on his face that means his feelings are hurt and he's trying desperately to hide it so no one thinks he's not an adult.
"I -- what. No," he says blankly. "I'm not, I'm not seeing --" He can't look at Yoongi hyung, he can't look at Yoongi hyung. He's not seeing Yoongi hyung. Not anymore. "It's not someone else, it's me. I'm -- I have the carrier gene. I stopped -- I --" He breaks off, wanting to cry again. Can he possibly blame all this crying on hormones he didn't know he had until a few hours ago?
No, it's because... he hasn't disappointed his members like this since he left in 2012. And then he'd come back and all had been forgiven. There is no way to come back from this -- not unless he... stops it.
Joon had put him on the spot, asking what he wanted to do. He'd had to make a split second decision, and he went with his gut. His brain is pretty sure that his churning gut made the wrong choice.
Everyone is still quiet.
"I didn't know," he says, "I promise I didn't know, I'd have been more careful if I had known, I swear, I didn't -- I didn't do it on purpose, I wouldn't, especially not now, not without talking to you first, I would never, I couldn't, but then it happened, and I -- I --"
He can't breathe again.
Jinnie hyung starts rubbing up and down his back and Hobi turns into him in a way he hasn't in so long. Puts his head into hyung's neck and shuts his eyes. He thinks he might be cried out but a few tears squeeze through.
Everything is quiet until everyone starts talking at once. Hobi wants to tune it out, but he knows he needs to pay attention.
But when he tries to twist around to see, hyung's arms tighten, keep him where he is. Hyung couldn't really keep him where he is if Hobi wanted to get away, but Hobi doesn't want to get away. He doesn't want to get away and he doesn't want to listen to his brothers say they hate him and he's a disappointment and he's ruining their lives. He knows, he knows he's ruining everything. They've only just started this tour; they've already started talking about the next comeback; LV and AP and Samsung are going to drop him -- Samsung might drop the whole band.
They might disband and his brothers will never talk to him again. His brothers and Yoongi. Who hasn't been his brother for a while now. But they're nothing anymore, are they. Just band mates.
And parents.
He keeps his face in Seokjin's neck and lets the talk float around him without listening. Just thinking. What's their baby going to be like? Yoongi's pale skin and Hobi's nose? Yoongi's hair that curls and Hobi's too-small ears that stick out? He hopes the baby has Yoongi's pouty mouth.
Finally, Seokjin lets him sit up, tugs his hair, holds his face, uncharacteristically serious. "Hobah," he says seriously, "Hoseok ah. We're all very happy for you. And for us. A Bantang baby, Hobah, it's going to be amazing." And then his face changes back into Jin hyung, and he adds, "I can't believe you're having a baby before me! The disrespect! Your child better be raised right to respect his samcheon, Jung Hoseok, or I'll have words for you!"
"I don't know how my baby could be raised right with you around, hyung," Hobi sasses, and then ruins it by sniffling. He tries to save it by adding, "At least Jeonggukie will be a good influence."
Everyone laughs, and he turns, slides off hyung's lap, then down to the floor.
"I'm sorry," he says, and drops into a bow, touching his forehead to the carpet.
There are cries of no, and stop, and hyung! But he stays there until he feels someone lifting him up.
Yoongi hyung.
"Hoseok ah," he says, voice so gentle, like three o'clock in the morning when Hobi would wake up and crawl in with him and he would say, Yes, come to hyung, stay here.
He lets Yoongi push him to sit back on his heels.
"We are all happy," he says, and then stresses: "All of us. Every single one of us."
But Hobi can see Tae's frown out of the corner of his eye so he knows that's not true. He lets Yoongi hyung say it though. He wishes it were true. He wishes he were happy, but he's just apprehensive and almost numb. And excited, he's excited, how can he be excited without happiness?
Maybe it's just overshadowed by the sadness that it's not perfect.
But, he reminds himself, it doesn't have to be perfect. Life can just be life. It can just be okay. It can have ups and downs without being ruined. That is hard learned wisdom and he can't allow himself to let go of it.
"Hyung, what are we going to do, though?" he whispers. But he knows everyone can hear him.
"We'll do what we always do," says Yoongi hyung authoritatively. Min Suga PD talking, not Yoongi hyung who can't even decide what color socks to buy. "We'll make a plan, we'll support each other, and we'll get through it in the way that we decide we will as a band."
Hobi doesn't ask about the stockholders of Hybe, but Joon must know what he's thinking because he says, "No one is going to tell you not to have this baby, Hobi. This is our band, we make the final decisions. If we have to postpone some tour dates, we will, and no one gets to tell us we can't."
Joon looks around and makes eye contact with each of them. Except Yoongi hyung, who is staring at their hands clasped together.
"This is our baby," Joon says firmly, and Hobi isn't sure who he's talking to, which of them wants him to get rid -- to -- to not have a baby. He thinks he shouldn't have a baby.
But he wants it so desperately. Wants it in a way he had never realized he wanted a child. Wants Yoongi's child. Would he want it like this if the other parent was someone else?
"... And that's it," Joon finishes, and Hobi feels guilty he missed part of what was surely a supportive speech. "Hobi needs to eat now."
Yoongi hyung passes a bowl of spicy ramen over. When Jeongguk hands it to Hobi, he realizes there is already medium rare steak cut into the bowl and mixed with the noodles, exactly the way he likes it.
And he's fucking ravenous again. He finishes the food in record time, and when he looks up, Yoongi hyung already has another plate of steak for him, kimchi cut up on the side. Hobi isn't sure he can finish another plate, but he ends up inhaling the food while he listens to his band chatter around him. It's second nature to hand over his phone so he can pause for pictures, give a peace sign, hold out his chopsticks to the camera to offer a bite of his meal to ARMY.
The Big Hit press release saying he had just underestimated his heat tolerance and would be fine for the next shows is already out there, and before he can even click his phone screen off, the comments are filling up with well-wishes and caring messages from ARMY telling him to take care of himself and drink enough water and that they love him. He sees at least five different languages before he reapplies himself to his food.
No one talks about the baby; Tae is quiet, frowning; Jeonggukie is arguing with Jiminie about what they should be doing on their off day tomorrow besides resting. Hyung and Joon are talking quietly about a problem with the stage, except somehow it's also an argument about Pokemon Go.
Yoongi hyung watches him. Arms around his knees again, on the other side of the room, but watching him. Not his face, though, because he doesn't notice when Hobi starts watching him back.
When he stops watching hyung to glance around, Tae is still frowning, but now he's frowning at Hobi. Suddenly Hobi is so tired, he can't sit up anymore.
Fuck, is this cluster of cells the reason why he's been knocking out at random times the past few weeks? Just sits down and falls asleep when he's supposed to be making notes on staging and costumes and the exact red he wants his lips? He slept almost the entire way from Tokyo to the US, didn't even get to read the paper on the effects of dance on self esteem he'd been saving for an uninterrupted few hours... He'd thought it was just, like, maybe depression? But he only just now realizes that he hasn't actually had to try very hard to fill up the time he's been without -- without -- the time he's alone these days, because he's been sleeping for most of it.
"I have to go to bed," he announces abruptly, pushing away the empty plate and two empty water bottles. Joon had put liquid iv into them and he fucking hates the taste of stevia but he'd drank it down and annoyingly felt better after, despite the hydration infusion earlier. "If anyone really is mad at me and wants to yell, just message me. I won't tell Joon."
Joon scowls at him, but Hobi ignores him to escape the room and hyung's stare and Jimin's glower.
He's not sharing a room, just alone in a single, no one to leave clothing on the floor or squeeze his toothpaste from the middle. All by himself.
But... He's never going to be alone ever again, is he? Not for years and years. He's growing a person inside him and that person will be there starting -- he doesn't know. If he counts 40 weeks from his last time with Yoongi, that's... December, maybe. They'll be back in Asia, Thailand, Singapore, someplace. Then six weeks off for projects and brand collabs and resting. Hobi won't have any projects or brand collabs, not by then. He'll be alone with a baby who will look just like Yoongi, right down to his little nose.
Will his parents drop him like his brands?
He falls asleep thinking about that, crying a little. He doesn't expect anyone to come hold him through the night, but he's still disappointed when he wakes up without hyung.
They have a free day that they were supposed to use to go out, all kinds of things to do, ways to enjoy their free time. They had promised each other: each stop they would take at least one day to do something fun, something not tour-related. A driving range, an amusement park, a museum. He'd had plans. But...
He rolls over and touches his stomach. Bang PD is going to want to yell at him. He'd left it to Joon to tell, but any moment he's going to --
When he checks his phone, he sees that he already has several missed calls. Many. A lot. But he hadn't scrolled on his phone at all last night, hadn't turned the volume up for anything, hadn't turned it off do not disturb after the concert. Not just Bang PD, but... a lot. People he doesn't even have in his phone, but they have the HYBE prefix, so they're calling to yell. To tell him he can't do this, to tell him he's irresponsible and behaving like a child, to tell him he literally can't, that it will destroy the band, the company, the stock price. He'll be fined, he'll be fired, he'll...
He hasn't even been thinking about this, he just knows what they'll say, the same things they said when hyung rapped about fucking both men and women, when Jeonggukie got his tattoos. Even just a few months ago when Jiminie said he was going to grow out his hair and put the extensions into it. They're in their thirties, they're a huge success, they're BTS, and their company thinks they get to dictate the decisions they make like this, even though...
Maybe they have been giving into the company too much. Letting them have too much leeway when there was stuff that didn't really matter. Maybe they shouldn't have signed again, they should have held off to see where they were after discharge.
Maybe Taehyung had been right when he'd whispered one night while they were in LA that they should have started their own label so they wouldn't have to follow the dictates of shareholders.
Hobi rolls over and pulls a pillow over his head. He wants to get up and wash his face and brush his teeth and take another shower, but he also wants to lie here for the whole day and never look at the outside world even once.
He grabs up his phone again and texts Namjoon: "Leadernim, do you want to be there when I talk to BH?"
Unexpectedly, an answer comes right away: "Yes. Come to the big suite and we'll strategize over breakfast."
Hobi doesn't want to take off the soft pink pajamas, but he drags himself to the shower and washes his hair, then dresses in j-hope clothes. J-hope is branded and slightly more fashionable than Hobi himself, even though Hobi does love clothes and fashion. But for this he needs to be wearing serious fashion, to remind anyone who will be on the video calls who he is. It's what Joon will be doing too, he knows it.
And he's right. When he gets to the big suite, Joon is in his RM Leadernim clothes. What he's not expecting is that everyone else is there too. And they've all dressed themselves like they're about to step into a board meeting, serious business clothes and jewelry. Hobi is the only one not in makeup. Yoongi hyung's face is contoured to hide all his softness; Jimin's hair is loose and flowing and he's wearing dangling earrings and five Tiffany lock bracelets; Tae's face is drawn, mouth flat, and he hasn't whitened his skin with makeup at all the way the company keeps saying they want but he has put in his green contacts and given himself a smoky eye and his shirt is silk with a wild animal print; Jinnie hyung is wearing hundreds of thousands of dollars in Fred diamonds around his throat and on his fingers, and he has his incredibly snide face on, the one that tells people he knows he's better than them, richer, more handsome; and Jeongguk... He's not their round baby with round eyes, not the guy who's kind to everyone and always remembers the coordi noonas' birthdays -- he's sharp and hard and his eyes are as glittery as Seokjinnie's diamonds.
They're not just his band and comrades in this moment; they're his brothers, and they have his back, and they're going to fight for him.
Fuck, they shouldn't have to fight for him.
He looks at them and feels himself slump. The weight of his clothes and jewelry and leather jacket feel like they are dragging him down, all the way underground to the middle of the earth to burn him up.
They stay quiet while they all look at each other, and then Seokjin nods his head and says, in his real mathyung voice, not his joking one, "No one can tell us what to do. No one can make us do anything. We make our own choices now, and this is our choice. As seven. As one."
They crowd close like they do before a show, but Hobi can't -- he's frozen still. They shouldn't have to do this for him. Because he made a mistake. Because he wants something he shouldn't have, that shouldn't be his. Because he can't stop himself from being selfish. He takes a step back from them before he can think twice about it.
"What the fuck are you doing," hisses Taehyung, and grabs him roughly by the arm to jerk him forward, into the circle.
"We shouldn't do this," he chokes out. "I shouldn't make you do this."
"You're not making anyone do anything," says Jinnie hyung evenly. "Each of us has chosen and this is our choice. You're our brother, Hoseok, and we are choosing you. So put your hand in, and then eat your soup, and then we'll make the call."
He puts his hand in.
When they step back, it registers what hyung said: "Soup?" asks Hobi, and he's led to the table full of breakfast foods.
"Hyung made you miyeok guk," says Yoongi hyung gruffly, taking the cover off a bowl. He pushes it over to the chair Hobi has pulled out for himself.
"I..." He looks down at the steaming bowl. "How?"
"Just eat it," snaps Yoongi hyung, and sits down and pulls rice and kimchi over to himself immediately.
When Hobi looks around the table, Joon's got a soft look on his face while he looks at Yoongi hyung, and Jinnie hyung is smirking right at Hobi. The maknae are serving themselves eggs and American bacon and have already started talking loudly.
They're all going to need to reapply their lipstick after this.
He blocks everything out of his mind except for how delicious the soup is. How perfectly seasoned. It tastes like everything Yoongi hyung has ever made for him -- rich and wonderful and traditional.
"Hyung, it's amazing," he murmurs, and doesn't let himself think about how Yoongi hyung is taking care of him, of their baby. Doesn't let himself feel a warmth that has nothing to do with the hot soup. Doesn't... doesn't anything. Just applies himself to eating every delicious spoonful.
And he doesn't look over to where Tae is frowning and whispering to Jiminie, so clearly unhappy.
The call with Bang PD-nim... happens. Hobi sits between Joon and Jin hyung, the other members clustered behind them, standing behind the couch. Even Joon calls him Bang PD-nim instead of hyungnim, and they're all quiet while he gets his fury out. He's always had to do it this way: holler and throw shit before he can sit down to have a conversation.
So he yells at them, calls them ungrateful, wants to know how Hobi can be such a stupid slut, threatens their careers and their stock in Hybe, on and on. Hobi tunes it out, focusing on Joon's hand heavy on his knee, and Jin hyung's fingers intertwined tightly with his.
Joon loosens his grip when Bang PD-nim slumps into his desk chair and puts his head in his hands and moans, "I should have known you kids would destroy this company and be the death of me."
Hobi is suddenly furious. Who kept his carrier status a secret? Who lied about it to the insurance company, the investors, Hobi himself? And whose decisions have nearly brought down Big Hit and Hybe multiple times? Not fucking Hobi, that's for sure.
He opens his mouth to say so, but Joon's hand squeezes tightly on Hobi's thigh again.
"Bang PD-nim," begins Joon in his arctic leadernim voice, but before he can continue, Bang PD sighs and waves a hand.
"Don't bother, Namjoon ah," he says, and groans. "Okay, all right, fine, a little Jung baby. It'll come out singing and dancing with two brand deals already secured, I'm sure." He looks up and right into the camera. "Which of you is the other father?"
Jeongguk and Jimin hiss in breaths at the same time, Tae snorts, and Jin hyung squeezes Hobi's hand. Hobi doesn't think hyung, standing right behind him, does anything at all.
"What we're focused on right now is planning for the future of Bangtan and Hoseok's child," says Joon calmly.
"The future of Bangtan?" Bang PD snorts. "What do you think is the future? We're going to need to refund all the tour dates around whenever the kid is going to come --"
"December," says Hobi under his breath.
"-- and investors will start to pull out, our stock price will plummet, and by the time you're ready to finish your sold out world tour," he says pointedly, "we might not even be able to afford to send you."
"Perhaps we'll be able to fund it by suing the testing company that provided the inaccurate results regarding Hoseok's genetics," says Joon. The smile on his face is chilling. "That's a one in a million error, Sihyuk hyungnim, and when the tests are done three times per medical protocol, it becomes a one in twelve million error. But don't worry; I'll pay for the lawyers personally. Hybe won't need to front that money."
"Hah," huffs Jimin, and Hobi feels a tug on the back of his hair.
Bang PD scowls at Namjoon, and something about that makes Hobi feel... comforted. Bang PD is off his stride -- has been off his stride. Joon is winning whatever game they're playing. Whatever game they've been playing since the FSS started investigating the IPO; whatever game Joon has doubled down on since Bang PD was called out of song camp to go back to Korea and forbidden from traveling internationally.
Hobi isn't in on the plan, if there is a plan that anyone is in on except Joon; all he knows is that Joon is looking very evenly at the camera, and Bang PD is backing down, apologizing, and regrouping to sit down and give actually useful notes to Joon on the approach they should be taking when the executive team comes in and what Bang PD himself will say.
"They're going to want to talk to Hobi alone," Bang PD cautions, and Hobi can't help but freeze. He can adovcate for his music, he can advocate for his dance, he can advocate for his fashion; he's never had to advocate for his career in this way.
But Joon's hand is loose on his thigh, just resting there unworried, and Jin hyung's hand is steady and tight in his, and a hand comes down on his shoulder and squeezes.
Hyung.
Hobi knows he shouldn't, but he puts his free hand up and covers Yoongi hyung's fingers with his own, and takes his first deep breath since the call connected.
"They will be sorely disappointed," says Joon coldly, and the conversation moves on.
Hyung doesn't move his hand off Hobi's shoulder, and Hobi doesn't move his hand off hyung's. If he can have it, he wants to take it, no matter how lonely he's going to be tonight when it's just him in bed, and no one holding him at three am.
Hobi is exhausted by the end of the conversation with Bang PD, and they're not even halfway done. Everyone had to cancel their plans for this, no one gets to go on a roller coaster or golfing or swimming with dolphins. Jin hyung keeps plying him with hydration liquid; Jeongguk makes sure there's fruit and crackers. Hobi would kill for a cup of coffee, he's so tired; when he says so out loud, Jiminie says, sounding incredibly pompous, that "caffeine is bad for our baby, Hobi hyung!"
Hobi thinks Jiminie is taking unholy glee in denying him caffeine. What a fucking gremlin; this is Jin hyung's fault, he raised the maknaes this way on purpose.
Yoongi hyung moves with him, always a hand touching him. Hobi wants it to mean something, but Jin hyung moves with him too, even waits outside the bathroom for him to make sure he doesn't faint while he's in there.
He does not feel like he's going to faint. He feels like he wants to nap all day but also like he could lift Jeonggukie over his head and throw him across the room. He's starving, he could eat his way through all the leftover steak from last night (although he thinks Jeonggukie and Tae ate it all) -- but when he gets close to the leftover eggs from breakfast, his stomach turns over.
"Do you think it's psychosomatic?" he mutters to Jin hyung, pressing a hand to his stomach briefly. Hyung is holding the tea bag of mint tea from the coffee station under his nose to help his stomach settle, an arm around his shoulders.
Did he feel nauseated before he knew there was a baby in there? He can't remember; this tour has been a riot of excitement and happiness during the day, and his sadness about hyung at night once he's alone. His body has alternated dancing with numbness; if he's had pregnancy symptoms before now, he just... hasn't noticed.
"Deep breath," hyung encourages.
"Hyung," groans Hobi. His stomach is still churning, but it's probably just nerves around planning out what's going to happen, not a bunch of cells trying to hijack his body.
Is it hijacking if Hobi is ultimately offering?
"I looked up our baby," Jin hyung says placidly. "It's the size of a kidney bean, so it's very funny that it's bullying you like this. I think Jeonggukie has all the symptoms and recommended food written down, so he'll corner you later today. And Yoongi yah bought enough ingredients that you'll be eating miyeok guk for breakfast every day for the next month at least."
Hobi swallows hard, not just because his mouth is full of saliva from nausea.
"Joon stayed up all night making some kind of presentation for you," hyung continues, "and I'm pretty sure it gives examples of how big the baby will be every week based on Pokemon."
Hobi can't stifle his giggles, and then suddenly he's crying and he can't stop the crying, he can't get a hold of himself, he doesn't even know why he's crying.
"I've got him," someone murmurs, and Jin hyung is stepping aside. The scent of clove and tangerine wafts around Hobi: hyung.
"Yoongiyah," he mumbles, and then he's being pulled into Yoongi's body, his neck. He's wearing layers and layers of pearls and diamonds wrapped around his throat, hanging down, and the leather jacket that Hobi loves -- Yoongi's leather jacket, not BTS Suga, so it's buttery soft and smells like hyung. The scent of makeup, expertly put on this morning to give hyung a sharp, angled jaw and cheekbones instead of the mandu cheeks Hobi hopes their baby has...
"Hyung is here," Yoongi says quietly, and lets Hobi cry into his neck, make his collar wet. At least hyung's real leather jacket doesn't have a fancy lining that Hobi would ruin with his tears.
Someone gives him handfuls of tissues to blow his nose into, and someone else has an actual cup of mint tea, and someone is sitting next to where he's awkwardly perched on Yoongi's lap, rubbing his feet, and and and
And he is surrounded by his brothers. His brothers and Yoongi.