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“I hope that she looks at me and thinks ‘shit he’s so pretty’”
Regulus layed in his bed in his slytherin dorm, alone. He liked the quiet of it.
However, he did not like the fact that his brain would fill up with loud, unwanted thoughts when it was quiet.
“you’re just like your mother”
“No one will see you as anything more than sirius’s sister”
“you’re never gonna be a real boy.”
Ugh.
Barty and Evan walked in just as his mind was wandering, but they were too caught up in their own disgusting flirtation to notice regulus.
As they both plopped on Barty’s bed and drew the curtains, Regulus took that as his cue to leave.
He sat in the common room for a bit, trying to read. There wasn’t many people there at this point in the day, most either in a class or at quidditch practice. A few 7th years here and there, and one or two younger slytherins as well, but it was mostly quiet still. Unfortunately his mind just wouldn’t shut up.
He stood again, leaving the dungeon all together. He wasn’t really sure where he was going to go, but he felt like he needed the walk.
He made it to the library eventually, trying once more to read.
Unfortunately, now he had a new distraction.
“Right, and if Wormtail secures the goods, we can set them off tonight and not have to worry about tomorrow’s potions lesson!”
Sirius’ voice, even when whispering, was loud. Sirius had always been the loud one, to be fair.
But right now Regulus just wanted to focus on his book, for Merlin’s sake!
He got up one last time and walked out of the library.
Regulus eventually found himself in the one place no one ever went, except maybe him. Myrtle usually left him alone, which he appreciated.
But sitting in the floor of a girls bathroom got those awful thoughts going in his mind again.
“You don’t even look like a real boy”
“Who would ever want a transgender guy as a boyfriend?”
“You can do all these things to change your appearance but you’ll always be a disappointment to the Black name”
He hated this feeling honestly. Sometimes it was so overwhelming he didn’t know what to do.
He was there for hours, just sitting. Pretending to read, when in reality he was trying to convince his mind to just leave him alone.
Eventually, he heard the door the his hiding place open, and in walked a certain James Potter.
Regulus stood instantly, startling James a bit.
“Regulus! I didn’t know you were in here.” James spoke fast, clearly he really thought no one would be here.
“It’s fine. I was just leaving.” Regulus made for the door, but james caught his wrist.
“Reg, wait, what’s wrong? You look sad.”
“It’s none of your business.” Regulus pulled his arm. James didn’t let go.
“Cmon Reggie. You know i’ll listen.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. He did know that. James listened even when he wasn’t supposed to.
“You wouldn’t get it.” Regulus was frustrated now.
“Try me.”
Regulus looked up.
“Okay. Tell me, do you understand what it’s like to be a disappointment to your own family even though you’ve tried so hard to be their perfect child? Have you ever felt like you were unlovable just because of one aspect of who you are, something that can’t be changed? Do you understand what it’s like to think about yourself and only see the child you used to be? Do you ever think about how that child would see you now?”
James was quiet. Because, no, he usually didn’t think about those things. And no, he didn’t fully understand. but he tried.
After a bit, regulus was able to free himself from james’ grip. He looked down.
“Sorry, Jamie. It’s been a long day.”
James nodded, reaching out again, this time waiting for Regulus’ approval.
Regulus stepped a bit closer.
James gave him a soft hug, one he could easily free himself from if he wanted.
He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he appreciated that.
After a while like that, Regulus spoke again.
“I just…I want that kid to see me and think ‘we did it’.. i want that kid to think ‘he’s so pretty’… but i can’t even think those things now.”
James looked down at him.
“You are pretty Reg. The prettiest boy i know. And for what it’s worth, Reg, you’re more of a man than some of the men i know.”
Regulus let out a sarcastic laugh but didn’t counter it. He just existed there for a bit, finally letting his brain have a moment to slow down.
James was always so kind to him.
“You aren’t unlovable, either. I love you. Even if we can’t tell people yet, i still love you reg. And so does Sirius, and your friends..”
Regulus nodded. He knew all of that. It just sometimes felt like he was doomed to a life of loneliness and isolation.
“I know i know..”
James nodded.
They stayed like that for a few more minutes, before Regulus finally pulled away.
“Well..It’s past curfew so..I better..”
“yea, yea you go.”
Regulus nodded, staring at James for a moment longer before turning and leaving that bathroom.
Regulus knew he may always live with this sour voice in his head. But at least he had someone who could make his mind feel less mean sometimes.