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The battlefield was silent as Hector, the great warrior of Troy, made his way towards Achilles/Patroclus, his sword scraping on the ground.
“So, this is the greatest warrior Greece has to offer, huh?’ Hector said, his voice laced with genuine curiosity. He held up his hands, surrendering before the fight even began. “I don’t want to hurt you, but trust me, I’ve come prepared.”
Achilles/Patroclus gulped, but held his ground. “Aww, is the little Trojan prince scared?”
Hector bared his teeth. “You wish. You’ll have run out of bones to break when I’m through with you.”
Welp, Patroclus was fucked. He should have never stolen his boyfriend’s armor and pretended to be him. But it didn’t matter. He was going to die, and his gravestone/cremation vase would read:
Here lies Patroclus,
Died of his own stupidity. At least he died a badass, defending his honor and home. He is survived by his boyfriend best friend, Achilles, who he totally didn’t hook up with.
Then he heard a voice.
“Heyyyyy, I’ll help you beat this bitch but you’ve got to listen to me,” a drunk voice muttered in his ear.
“What the fuck?” Patroclus whispered. “Who are you?”
“Nahhhh, how the fuck do you not know who I am?” The voice drawled. Suddenly, the world seemed to stop, and a figure appeared before him. “Public education these days must have really gone downhill.”
Hermes, the god of thieves, travelers, mischief, and thousands of other cool shit that the author can’t name.
“Whoahhhh, this is so sick!” Patroclus exclaimed. “A god has never appeared before me before!”
“Yeah, well, you’re not exactly hot shit, and you’re mostly an NPC until this point in the original myth.”
“What?”
“Anyways, take this thingaling.” Hermes tossed him what seemed to be a weapon, but Patroclus couldn’t name it. It was heavy, some parts were made out of wood, and on the side read ‘Ak-47’.
“What is this?” Patroclus asked.
”It’s a gun. Some neat invention that the future humans made or some shit.”
”Neat!” Patroclus exclaimed, turning the weapon around in his hands. “By the way, I need to ask you something. Are you high?”
”Totally.”
”Okay.” Patroclus looked up, but the god of cool shit (other than Athena and Apollo) was already gone. Time started moving normally again.
Hector charged towards him, but Patroclus was prepared. For some reason, he knew exactly what this weapon was and how to use it.
He pulled the trigger and a row of what looked like tiny iron pellets fired at Hector, embedding themselves in his abdomen.
“Holy shit!” Patroclus exclaimed, staring at the weapon in his hand. “This is awesome!”
But since Hector is a gigachad, even after being hit by a row of bullets, he gets back up and charges at Patroclus again.
“Oh, SHIT!” Patroclus cried out, sure he was as good as dead. (you could say he was a…dead man walking? No? Okay, I’ll just see myself out)
But then, before Hector’s sword stabbed itself into Patroclus’ heart, a yellow blur flashed past and blocked Hector’s attack.
Achilles, the greatest warrior of their time, and Patroclus’ boyfriend.
“Senpai!” Patroclus exclaimed. (Dear lord that was cringe but this is a crackfic so I’m allowed to be cringe😜✌️)
Achilles looked down at his boyfriend, eyes glimmering and sparkling pink with fierce anime senpai love. You know, like when the love interest swoops in before the incompetent mc gets killed by a gigachad, hot villain.
“Dw babygirl, I’ll protect you,” the blond man said. “I’m a gigachad!” (Nope Hector is the ultimate gigachad but I’ll allow it for the sake of this fic) Achilles, Patroclus, and the others of the Greek Army channeled the ultimate power of friendship, and a sparkling rainbow beam emitted from their chests and burned the city of Troy to the ground.
“Wow, all we really needed was the power of friendship!” Odysseus exclaimed from behind them. “Yall are my besties forever! Okay, time to go back to Penelope and give Telemachus some new siblings!” He then proceeded to cartoon wobble back to his ships before any more crazy shit went down and before he had to deal with the other’s bullshit any longer.
Helen went back to her senpai, everyone went home, and Patroclus and Achilles went back to Phthia, hooked up, and then became the kings. Patroclus got mpreg by the power of Apollo’s blessing and then had children.
“And that, my dears,” I said, closing the story book I had been reading to my grandchildren, “is why you should always ship yaoi.”