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Ever since the boys had left the TARDIS, Ryan’s last words to Yaz had been a constant reminder in the back of her head.
“Make sure she don’t get into any trouble.”
Even then, she hadn’t been able to promise - she’d known it would be difficult, and she’d said as much. But in the months since they’d seen Ryan and Graham, the Doctor had been taking her into increasingly dangerous situations.
Which was how they’d ended up here, in front of a tribunal on an alien planet, being injected with a goddamn truth serum.
The needle was bad enough; Yaz had always had to look away when she’d get her flu shot so she didn’t get woozy.
What scared her most, though, was the loss of control.
All these years, ever since the year from hell… that was how she survived. She took her feelings and she buried them deep inside, never letting anyone get under her skin again. Everything in its place, held tightly, choked to death on the need to be in control. Was it lonely? Yes. But it was safe.
And now, she was about to be left defenseless, with no choice but to answer whatever this Inquisitor they were about to face decided to ask.
She felt the pinch of the needle, closing her eyes as she braced herself for whatever came next. Surprisingly, she didn’t feel much of anything; she’d honestly anticipated some sort of burning or something that indicated the loss of autonomy she was about to experience.
The Inquisitor stepped back, leaving Yaz sitting alone in the front of the room they were in. They’d actually cuffed the Doctor and taken her sonic after she’d tried to escape, but Yaz could see on her face that she was still trying to think of a way to get them out of there.
Unfortunately, Yaz knew that even if she did, it would be too late to stop her questioning.
And so it began.
“What is your name?”
“Yasmin Khan,” Yaz answered, still not feeling any adverse effects from the serum. Of course, her name was an easy enough question to answer.
“And where are you from?”
“Earth.”
The Inquisitor tilted his head. “You’re a long way from home.”
Yaz shrugged. “Guess so.”
“And how did you end up in our President’s office?”
Yaz felt the first twinge of discomfort as she hesitated. “We were searching for something.” She felt a different unease in her stomach, one that didn’t stem from the serum but from a frustration that had been building for months. She wasn’t trying to be evasive with her answer; she genuinely had no idea what the Doctor had been looking for. When she’d asked, the blonde had shrugged her off - like she always did. Always running, always avoiding.
And yet, Yaz had followed. Just like she always did.
“What were you searching for?”
“I don’t know.” Yaz could practically feel the bitterness lacing her words, and she saw a flicker of an expression she couldn’t read cross the Doctor’s face. Clearly, everyone else could hear it, too.
“And that makes you angry.”
Yaz lifted her chin as she stared at the Inquisitor, silent.
“You’ve not answered the question, Miss Khan.”
“I didn’t hear one.” The Doctor wasn’t the only one who knew how to be evasive; Yaz had truly learned from the best.
The Inquisitor’s jaw clenched. “If you didn’t know what you were searching for, why were you there?”
“Because -” Yaz started. She shook her head a little. “Because I was with the Doctor. I travel with her.”
“It seems like quite the leap from travelling to breaking and entering the offices of this planet’s highest power,” the Inquisitor remarked. He clasped his hands together. “Let me rephrase. Why would you help the Doctor commit a criminal act without even knowing the reason why?”
Yaz gritted her teeth together. “I don’t see how that’s relevant,” she bit out.
“As it stands right now, Miss Khan, you are an accomplice to the Doctor’s crimes,” the Inquisitor said. “If there was some sort of underlying reason - perhaps, if you were under duress - we might give you leniency.”
“I wasn’t under duress.” Yaz shifted uncomfortably. The Inquisitor was getting dangerously close to making her reveal information that she hadn’t even fully accepted herself. She didn’t want to think about why she continued to stay with the Doctor, why she continued to put herself in these situations. Why she’d stayed behind when Ryan and Graham had left.
“Money, then? Are you being paid for your assistance?”
“No.”
The Inquisitor looked at the Doctor, then back at Yaz. “Are you in love with her?”
Yaz fought back the nausea threatening to overwhelm her. “Again,” she managed. “I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
“Answer the question, Miss Khan,” the Inquisitor demanded. “Are you in love with her?”
Yaz swallowed the bile rising in her throat, feeling the tears pooling in her eyes. She could feel the Doctor’s gaze on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at the blonde. She didn’t want to answer. She couldn’t answer. She -
“Yes.”
There was a murmur amongst the other members of the tribunal, and Yaz forced herself not to cower.
“Did the Doctor know about your feelings?”
“No.” Yaz swallowed hard. “No. I never told her.”
The Inquisitor nodded. “One last question, then, Miss Khan. You would do anything the Doctor asked you to do, wouldn’t you?”
This time, Yaz didn’t even try to fight it. “Yes.”
“I see.” The Inquisitor hummed. “You may step down, Miss Khan.”
Yaz went back to her seat, continuing to avoid the Doctor’s insistent gaze. She couldn’t bear to look at her, to see the horror or disgust or - perhaps worst of all - pity that would surely be written all over her face. She sat ramrod straight in her chair, trying to keep blinking back the tears, determined not to let them fall. She would not let these strangers see her weakness.
The Doctor was led up to the front, still cuffed. Yaz’s gaze flickered to her face as the needle went in; the Doctor stared straight ahead, looking like she was trying not to shake. Yaz furrowed her brows - she’d never thought the Doctor would be so anxious around needles.
“State your name for the courtroom, please.”
“The Doctor,” the Doctor said, an almost haunted look in her eyes.
“And what planet are you from?” the Inquisitor asked.
The Doctor pressed her lips together. Yaz frowned; it wasn’t even a difficult question to answer.
“I grew up on the planet Gallifrey,” the Doctor said, lifting her chin. There it was - that defiant mask that Yaz knew so well.“In the constellation of Kasterbourous.”
There were a few whispers from the people sitting around Yaz. The Inquisitor held up a hand, silencing them.
“So you are a Time Lord, then?”
The Doctor shrugged. “Something like that.”
The Inquistor’s eyes narrowed, but he continued on. “Why did you come here?”
“Seeing some sights,” the Doctor said easily. “Wanted to show Yaz the cosmic shower that’s happening tonight.”
“Yaz,” the Inquisitor repeated. “That would be Miss Khan, yes?”
“Yes.” The Doctor still had the same light tone, but Yaz knew her well enough to see how tense she was. Now, it seemed, it was the Doctor’s turn to avoid Yaz’s gaze - not that Yaz minded.
“What is your relationship to Miss Khan?” the Inquisitor asked.
“She’s my best mate,” the Doctor said stiffly. “We travel together.”
“Your best mate.” The Inquisitor tilted his head. “Is that all she is to you?”
“There’s no ‘all’ about it,” the Doctor said, her jaw clenching. “I don’t know how you lot do things here, but in my experience, there’s not necessarily some sort of ranking to different types of relationships. I care about Yaz, and that’s all you need to know.”
“You care about her, and yet you coerce her into illegal activities.” The Inquisitor chuckled. “Tell me, did you know Miss Khan is in love with you?”
If looks could kill, the Inquisitor would have been lying dead on the floor within milliseconds. The Doctor’s eyes were full of a growing fury, one that frightened Yaz. Because truth be told, she wasn’t sure what the Doctor might be capable of if she snapped.
What frightened Yaz even more, though, was what the Doctor’s answer might be. The Doctor couldn’t have known. If she had, she would have surely seen how much Yaz had been suffering. How much more it hurt being pushed away, dragged from one place to the next with no explanations, only an expectation that Yaz would follow.
She couldn’t have known.
“Doctor?”
“I had some idea,” the Doctor muttered.
The air might as well have been zapped from the room for all the breath that Yaz could take. Her chest tightened painfully, and she felt a wave of nausea roll through her.
The Doctor had known. The Doctor had known Yaz was in love with her. She’d known, and she’d still -
The Inquisitor looked at Yaz, then back at the Doctor. “I must say, Doctor, this doesn’t paint a very flattering picture. If there were any cynics among us, they might would think that you used Miss Khan’s feelings to keep her with you, even though you don’t feel the same way.” The Doctor glared at him stonily.
“Unless… you do feel the same way,” the Inquisitor said slowly, looking back at Yaz like he was piecing together a puzzle. “Are you in love with Miss Khan, Doctor?”
The Doctor’s skin, already rather fair, had gone ghostly pale. “I can’t be,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Is that a no?”
Yaz wanted nothing more than to run, to get to the TARDIS and go back in time, to before they’d ever stepped foot on this godforsaken planet. Maybe even further, to before Ryan and Graham had left and things had gotten so weird between her and the Doctor.
“I -” the Doctor looked pained, and Yaz was fighting the bile rising in her throat. “I don’t understand how this line of questioning is relevant.”
“I’m just trying to get a full understanding of the situation,” the Inquisitor said, a dangerous edge underneath the easy tone he adopted. In that moment, Yaz didn’t believe a word he said; to her, it seemed like he was getting some sort of twisted satisfaction in the pain he was causing. “It’s a simple yes or no question, Doctor. Are you or are you not in love with Miss Khan?”
“Please,” the Doctor whispered, a tear falling down her face. “Please don’t make me answer that. Not here. Not like this.”
“Enough, Inquisitor,” one of the other council members spoke up. “We need to know what they were looking for.”
The Inquisitor looked like he wanted to argue, but eventually let out a heavy exhale as he nodded. “Very well.”
The Doctor nearly fell forward a bit in relief, and Yaz wasn’t sure how to feel about it. On the one hand, she never wanted the Doctor to feel forced to reveal anything she didn’t want to. On the other hand… well. A small, shameful part of her wanted to know the answer - and wondered if she’d just lost her only chance.
The Inquisitor began again. “Why were you in the President’s library?”
The Doctor licked her lips, swallowing hard as she steeled herself. Yaz wondered if the Doctor’s throat was as dry as her own. “I was looking for something.”
“What were you looking for?”
“Information.” Yaz had always known the Doctor was good at being evasive, and she knew that the Inquisitor had figured that out by now as well. She could also see the growing impatience in the Inquisitor’s demeanor; he was clearly getting more hostile.
“What were you looking for information about?”
“Division,” the Doctor said through gritted teeth.
The room went silent, and Yaz frowned. If she wasn’t mistaken, these people knew more about what the Doctor was talking about than she did.
“What do you know of Division?” the Inquisitor asked, the tension in the room suffocating.
“Not much, clearly, otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to find information, would I?”
“Enough games, Doctor,” the Inquisitor snapped. “How do you know about Division? What is your relationship to that organisation?”
“An old friend told me about them.” The Doctor let out a shaky breath. “I was an agent of theirs, a long time ago. They took my memories. I want them back.”
“From what we understand, no one simply leaves Division,” the Inquisitor said, his eyes narrowing.
“You know about them?” A spark lit up in the Doctor’s eyes. “How?”
“You first, Doctor,” the Inquisitor said sharply. “How did you escape?”
“I told you, I don’t know. They took my memories. All I know is that I became a fugitive. They must have found me, somehow, and…” The Doctor looked pained. “I remember being a child, millennia ago. I remember growing up, and I remember every lifetime and every face since then. I didn’t know there was anything else until recently.”
“What do you hope to accomplish, once you find Division?”
“I want to get some answers.” It was like a dam had broken, and the Doctor kept going. “I want to know what they made me do. I want to know how the woman I called Mother could kill me over and over again. I want to know everything that they took from me, and I want to make them pay for it.”
Yaz flinched at the venom in the Doctor’s words, and she fought the urge to shrink further when the Doctor finally met her eyes. A million emotions swirled around in those hazel eyes - regret, fear, desperation, so many others that Yaz could never hope to name.
“It would appear,” the Inquisitor said, looking between the other council members. “That we have much to discuss, Doctor.”
***
Yaz had never felt so tense stepping back into the TARDIS. Usually, it was home, her safe space.
Now, it felt more like a prison.
Now, she was trapped. Just her, the Doctor, and the weight of both things come to light and everything still unsaid.
Yaz started to go up the stairs to her room, but she froze when she heard the Doctor’s voice behind her.
“Yaz.”
Yaz steeled herself before turning around, silently waiting for the Doctor to continue. After a few moments, she did.
“I’m sorry,” the Doctor said quietly. “About… everything.”
“Stop.” Yaz fought back the tears that immediately sprang to her eyes, her throat tightening. “Not now. Please. I don’t… I don’t want you to say anything because a serum is forcing you to.”
The Doctor shook her head. “The serum has already dissolved into our bloodstreams. Anything that I say to you now is because I want to. I promise.”
The Doctor was looking at her so earnestly that it made Yaz’s stomach twist in knots with so many conflicting emotions. Part of her didn’t want to believe the Doctor, but she knew that it had to be true. If the Doctor had still been under the serum, she wouldn’t be able to lie and say that she wasn’t. Which meant that the Doctor did want to talk. And before approximately eight hours ago, that was all Yaz had ever wanted.
Now, though, she couldn’t help but feel like everything was some sick, cosmic joke.
“Fine,” Yaz said, crossing her arms in front of her. “If you have something to say, say it.”
She felt a flicker of regret at the flash of hurt on the Doctor’s face, but the hurt was quickly replaced by acceptance.
“Okay. Right. Um, first…I should have told you about Division,” the Doctor said, shifting anxiously. “About what I was looking for.”
“Yeah,” Yaz agreed. “You should’ve.” She shook her head. “Why didn’t you? If I’d known, maybe I could have been more helpful. I could have…” She trailed off, thinking about the things the Doctor had said at the tribunal. What could she have done, if she’d known about what the Doctor had learned back on Gallifrey? It wasn’t like the Doctor had ever let herself be comforted before.
The Doctor sighed. “I thought you were better off not knowing.”
Yaz breathed a bitter laugh. “Me? Or you?”
The Doctor pressed her lips together. “Both,” she muttered. She sighed. “Yaz… I don’t expect you to understand, or to believe me. But I was - I am - trying to protect you.”
“I didn’t ask for that,” Yaz hissed, hating the venom she could taste in her words. The Doctor flinched, and Yaz immediately felt a flicker of regret. She pressed her lips together, exhaling softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“Would have been understandable even if you did,” the Doctor mumbled. “S’probably the least I deserve.”
Yaz took a deep breath, bracing herself. “No,” she said, soft but firm. “No one deserves that.”
I don’t deserve that, she didn’t say aloud. Please, tell me you recognise that.
The Doctor looked at her, all sadness and something that looked a lot like regret. “No,” she murmured. “You don’t.”
Yaz felt something inside of her break; she hadn’t even realised how much she’d needed the Doctor to just bloody acknowledge the pain that she’d inflicted.
“I really am sorry, Yaz,” the Doctor said again, chewing nervously on her lower lip. “Especially about…”
Yaz let out a shaky breath, trembling. She’d known the Doctor long enough now; she didn’t even need for her to finish her sentence. “How long have you known?” she finally asked, so quietly she wasn’t sure the Doctor could even hear.
The Doctor looked down at her feet, shifting uncomfortably. Yaz fought the urge to take back her question, to let it go and save the Doctor from the distress she was clearly in. That was what she’d always done, after all. She hated to admit it to herself, but she’d always been afraid of pushing the Doctor too far - afraid that if she did, she’d lose the Doctor forever.
She’d had a taste of a life after the Doctor already, and it had been the most miserable ten months of her existence. She wouldn’t - couldn’t - lose her again. Chasing the Doctor around the universe, always on the outside looking in - it hurt, yes.
But being with the Doctor… well. When she did look at Yaz with those bright hazel eyes, when she occasionally took her hand as she led her into danger…
Yaz already had a history of hurting herself, and the Doctor made suffering infinitely sweeter.
“I didn’t know, not exactly,” the Doctor finally said. “I… suspected. But I didn’t want to know, not really.”
“Why not?” Truly, if Yaz hadn’t been trying not to throw up, she’d be impressed with how she was managing to keep pressing.
“Because if I acknowledged it, that meant I’d have to face it.” The Doctor looked at Yaz, biting her lip. “You know, I - I told myself, in my last body. ‘Never be cruel, never be cowardly.’” She scoffed. “Done a bang up job of that.”
“You weren’t -”
“I was, Yaz.” The Doctor took in a deep breath. “I was too cowardly to face this…whatever this is, and I was cruel for letting you stay while knowing that.”
“Whatever this is,” Yaz repeated, breathing out a sardonic laugh. “You mean the fact that I’m in love with you.”
Hearing those words seemed to affect the Doctor as much as they did Yaz to say them. No serum, no Inquisitor dragging confessions from her.
Just the vulnerable, honest truth.
“I’m in love with you, Doctor,” Yaz said again, letting out a shaky breath. “I love you.”
The Doctor swallowed hard. “Yaz…”
“Yeah, I know,” Yaz interrupted, blinking back tears. “I heard you back with the Inquisitor. I know you’re not in love with me. And that’s okay. You’re still my best friend, Doctor. Please, just… just let me be your friend.”
“No.”
Yaz felt her heart drop into her stomach, her blood running cold in her veins as her worst nightmare became reality.
She wanted to run, but it felt like her boots were stuck to the TARDIS floor as she stared at the Doctor, frozen.
The Doctor’s brows furrowed as she looked at Yaz before her eyes widened. “No, wait, I - that’s not what I -” She rubbed her face in her hands, letting out a frustrated noise. “Yaz…”
Before Yaz could register what was happening, the Doctor had grabbed her by the collar of her jacket, pulling her into a searing kiss.
For a moment, Yaz could do nothing but stand there in shock at the unexpected feeling of the Doctor’s chapped lips on hers. When the Doctor started to pull back, though, something snapped in Yaz, and she followed her.
She’d purposely tried not to imagine what it might be like to kiss the Doctor, although her subconscious had betrayed her more than once in her dreams. In that moment, though, she knew that nothing - and no one - could ever compare.
Yaz wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the Doctor’s kiss forever, to live suspended in this moment where the Doctor wanted her. But when she finally pulled back for air, she put a hand on the Doctor’s chest.
“I don’t understand,” Yaz said, swallowing hard as she tried to steady her breathing. “You said…”
“I said I couldn’t be,” the Doctor said quietly. “Not that I wasn’t.”
Yaz let out a frustrated huff, letting her hand drop. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I have lost everyone I have ever loved, Yaz,” the Doctor said. “If I were to face the fact that you were in love with me, I’d have to face the fact that I’m in love with you, too. And I’m not ready to grieve you. I can’t lose you, Yaz. Do you understand?”
I won’t disappear again.
The echoes of a conversation in this same room, what seemed like years ago.
“You will,” Yaz said quietly. “One day you will.”
And now, Yaz fully understood the gravity of it all.
Yes, one day, Yaz was going to lose the Doctor.
But one day, the Doctor was going to lose Yaz.
And unlike Yaz, the Doctor would continue living - a new face, a new voice, but the same haunted look in their eyes.
“You are going to lose me,” Yaz said, gently cupping the Doctor’s face. “I’m going to die one day, whether that’s tomorrow or in seventy-something years. One day, our time is going to run out.” She licked her lips nervously. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to waste another second of it wondering what might have been.”
The Doctor swallowed hard, closing her eyes and leaning into Yaz’s palm. When she opened her eyes again, her breath was shaky. “I’m scared, Yaz. There’s so much… so much I haven’t told you. Not because I don’t want to - gods, Yaz, I wanna tell you everything - I just don’t know how. Or where to even begin.”
“That’s okay.” Yaz rubbed her thumb across the Doctor’s cheek before letting her hand fall. “We can take it slow, yeah? All I want is for you to try. I want to know you, Doctor. Please don’t push me away.”
“What if you don’t like what you find?” the Doctor asked quietly.
Yaz’s heart ached at the vulnerability, at the fear underlying the Doctor’s words. “Do you trust me?”
The Doctor bit her lower lip before nodding. “More than anyone.”
“Then trust me when I say that I’m not going to run away,” Yaz said, strong and sure. “I’m still with you, whatever happens. Always will be.”
The Doctor simply stared at Yaz for a moment, something like awe and wonder in her eyes. She blinked back the tears Yaz could see shining under the amber lights, a smile forming even as she trembled. “Yasmin Khan,” she whispered, her lips parting.
Yaz leaned forward, pressing her lips to the Doctor’s. This time, their kiss was slow, unhurried, full of the promise of whatever time they had left.
“I love you.” The Doctor’s words were barely more than a breath against Yaz’s lips, but they might as well have been a clap of thunder for as loudly as they echoed through Yaz’s heart.
Yaz smiled. “I love you, too.” She kissed the Doctor one more time, because she wanted to, because she could. “Now, where was it the Inquisitor said we should look for Division?”
The Doctor simply blinked for a moment, like she was trying to remember where they even were. “Right, yeah. Got the coordinates for the planet right here,” she said, pulling out a slip of paper from her coat pocket with one hand before grabbing Yaz’s hand with the other. “Co-pilot?”
Yaz grinned. “Course.”