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There are so many things that Tommy feels are important. Things that he hasn’t necessarily told anyone about lest they be used against him like the discs. For example, most people think the first draft of How to Sex is gone, burned, stolen, destroyed, there’s a lot of speculation. In truth, it sits in Tommy’s ender chest.
It doesn’t just have How to Sex. The first page is titled, Welcome Tommy! It’s a note from Philza, talking about him joining the family. It’s his first interaction with Phil, the notebook was mailed to him after Wilbur had informed the avian that there was one more addition to the household. The next few pages were diary entries from Tommy, then after meeting Phil in person, it was letters to him that Tommy had never shown him. Just...just a way to feel close to his pseudo-father.
He only started writing How to Sex after he joined the Essempi and the worn-down notebook was the only thing he had to write in.
Sometimes, Tommy wondered what Phil would say if he showed him the notebook. Would he criticize Tommy for getting attached to something so simple? Would he even remember gifting it to Tommy? Would he care anymore? Obviously he cared about Tommy but...did he?
There’s also Wilbur’s jacket. He never told anyone about it, even after his brother had died. He knew Philza probably would have wanted to know, would have wanted some reminder of his son after he died. But also, it was Tommy’s it was the first thing that was his and it was also the first thing Wilbur gave him.
But in the Essempi, Wilbur changed. In L’manburg, in Pogtopia—Wilbur wasn’t the same person who had taken Tommy in. At night, he would cling to the jacket, remembering times when it was just the two of them, when Wilbur wasn’t so—so obsessed with the notion of a nation he could control. It was fine when L’manburg was a symbol of freedom, but that dream swiftly twisted into something more corrupted.
And then when he was revived, Tommy felt so wrong clinging to something—to someone who had long been dead. Even before Wilbur had actually died, the brother Tommy knew was gone. (Ghostbur had been a good imitation though).
Tommy wonders if Wilbur remembers giving him that jacket. If Wilbur still remembers a time when it was just the two of them, no Dream, no L’manburg, no Pogtopia. If Wilbur even remembers taking Tommy in after seeing the boy starving on the streets, no family, no home. (Wilbur used to be home, not anymore).
Lastly, his first sword, a gift from the legendary fighter, Technoblade. It’s how he first learned to fight, skills he would eventually have to use against his teacher. The sword was small, it had to be to fit in the hands of a younger Tommy. It was brittle and old, with years of use and storage.
When Technoblade joined them in Pogtopia, Tommy thought about training together, like they had when Tommy was a kid. He thought about hanging out with Technoblade like they were brothers, they’d never gotten to be that close though. He thought about maybe—just maybe asking Techno how to do new techniques, how to fight like the piglin-hybrid did, how to be more like his brother teacher.
He never did, though, he never had the chance.
When Tommy hid in his house after exile, he held Techno’s sword like a comfort item. He held it close like maybe that was what would protect him. He wondered showing Technoblade, saying look! See? I kept it! But then Techno gave him netherite, gave him a chance to enact revenge, to get the discs, and Tommy didn’t think about it much after that.
The items all sit in his ender chest like a blessing and a curse. Reminders of simpler times but also painfully reminding him of what the present is like, of the knife perpetually digging into Tommy’s chest.
Wilbur used to be a good brother. Someone who cared, someone who took care of Tommy. Philza used to be present. To send letters and gifts to Wil and Tommy while away. Techoblade used to be a protecter. Someone Tommy trusted, someone who made sure he would never be hurt.
Not anymore. Wil was a fucking asshole. He manipulated Tommy, he hurt millions of people, he didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. Philza acted like he cared but how could he? He didn’t visit Tommy in exile, didn’t help in the wars, didn’t even care enough to keep Dream in prison, and he killed Tommy’s only family. Technoblade was a traitor. He blew up Tommy’s country, he broke Dream out of prison. Tommy’s literal tormenter, the person that had made is life a living hell. Technoblade of all people should have known seeing as he saw Tommy directly after getting out of exile. He had seen the effect it had.
He still kept the things, though. Maybe...maybe if he pretended enough he could imagine them actually giving a shit about him. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so horribly alone like he did in exile.
He had Tubbo. He had Ranboo. He had Big Q, but they weren’t family. They weren’t—they weren’t the people who’d had at least a semblance of an obligation to keep him safe. And while Tommy loved them, they didn’t fill the hole in his heart that his family had left behind.