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Fuck! Kevin huffs as he unwillingly turns back around and starts walking back down the hall. Did he really have to forget his headphones today of all days?
Today has been torture. And he can’t even tell his best friends about it.
Working on their second studio album wouldn’t be this hard if it wasn’t for-
No.
He can’t go there. It’s not their fault. He should be happy for them, he really should. But his feelings are eating him alive, slowly changing him into someone he doesn’t want to be. Sometimes he wishes things would go back to the way they were.
Kevin reaches and starts to open the door to the studio.
It was easier when there wasn’t a chance. I could’ve been-
Kevin freezes at the sight in front of him. He knew this was what was going on behind closed doors, but they barely even held hands in front of him anymore, since.. since they became them. Axel and Jakob still sat on the floor, papers with the lyrics to their new song Siisti Mopo hadn't moved either. But that wasn’t what made Kevin freeze.
The way Axel leaned his head to the side as Jakob dragged his hand through Axel's hair did. The way their lips touched, withdrew and went back in, did. The way Axel's hands were resting on Jakob's knee, his thumb absentmindedly stroking the rough denim, did.
When Axel and Jakob had told him that they’re a couple two things hit Kevin at once;
There has always been a chance that he could’ve been the one to kiss them.
There is no chance now.
And he couldn’t even talk about it with his best friends. The jealousy, the heartbreak, the loneliness that has settled in his chest when it’s just the three of them, forever the one that doesn’t get chosen.
He can’t even hate them for it, the lord knows just how much he understands Axel for wanting to kiss Jakob's bright smile all silly until he can’t breathe. He totally gets why Jakob would want to kiss Axel, take his glasses and slowly start to travel towards his jawline.
It’s somehow even worse that they never show any affection in front of him, as if they know it will break him. They make sure to keep him in the middle, they make sure to show him physical affection before they do to each other. Rather holding his hand than each other.
And. It. Eats. Kevin. Alive.
He shifts his weight on the doorframe, the old tree under his feet groaning as if it had any reason too. As if it was the being seeing all they ever wanted being slightly out of reach, for forever.
Jakob and Axel break away from each other with a smack, they’re both panting slightly. Jakob's hand sliding away from Axel's now tussled hair. Axel's hand, on the other hand, stays on Jakob's left knee, a blush creeping its way up Jakob's neck.
It’s as if time is staying still. Like that one first time all three of them saw each other, that spark Kevin felt deep in his chest as if his very soul knew that these were his people. Now however the fire in his stomach stank of something other than belonging, whatever he was feeling wasn’t that pure anymore. It was an awful thought, he should be happy for them, he is happy for them, everyone is happy for them but Kevin couldn’t shake the feeling of not being genuine anymore.
Axel chuckles, causing Jakob to follow like the lovesick little puppy he is. God Kevin wishes Jakob would follow him like that. But Kevin doesn’t move a muscle.
Until he can’t stop himself from turning around and bolting. Jakob calls his name but there is no stopping his legs from taking him out of that studio. Far away from what he wants, craves, yearns for.
Why is he even upset? He knew this was what was going on, in theory. He has played it over and over again in his mind, even when he has willed it to stop. But it always comes back.
When tears start to sting in Kevin’s eyes, that’s when he hears it;
“Kevin! Kevin stop, please!” It’s Axel. He should know by now that Kevin is quicker.
“Kevin!” Jakobs voice, Jakobs beautiful voice.
Kevin takes a turn left, right and opens the door to the TV room and closes it softly.
He doesn’t turn on the light, he just takes three long steps and sits down onto the worn out leather sofa.
What is he even doing???? Why is he running away from his best friends? From his reality?
His eyes betrays him, a lonesome tear falls slowly down his cheek. As he reaches up to wipe the traitorous tear away the door handle gets aggressively pushed down and bright light spills into the room.
Kevin wants to disappear. He wants the couch to slowly eat him alive. Instead, the light gets flicked on by a hand with black nail polish and the light clearly shows him sitting on the couch, tears in his eyes, instead of morphing into it.
“Kev..” Jakob starts as he closes the door after them, Axel is already half way to the couch.
Kevin rather feels the presence of his best friends on either side of him than sees it. His face long buried in his hands, desperate to not show the tears that just won’t stop.
“Are.. Are you okay..?” Axel almost flinches as he says it. Jakob glares at him.
“I.. I mean..” Axel breathes out heavily and sacks against the backrest.
“If you want to talk about-“ Jakob realises that Kevin probably doesn’t want to talk about it, seeing as he ran away and tried to hide from them. “… just. We are here for you okay. We care about you and we-“ Was it normal for them to still say they love each other? Was it ever normal for three male friends to say that to each other so openly..? Why is it weird now?
Kevin wants to disappear. Axel wants whatever that is hurting his best friend to go away. And jakob wants a do over of all of this.
Kevin forces himself to lean back, leaving his hands fidgeting in his lap, his eyes never leaving his knees.
“It’s- it’s just allergies, they’re really awful this year..” Kevin sniffs through his nose as Jakob leans forward to place his hand on Kevin’s leg. The warmth from his hand makes the lie burn against his skin. Like someone pouring salt into an open wound.
The hand is gone, but only for a split second, as he feels Jakobs thumb swiping away one of the tears from his cheeks. It’s to much. He turns to Axel.
Big mistake.
Axel's eyes look so… they’ve been Kevin’s safe space since he was 15, now they look like a snowy winter morning, the comforting feeling of walking into your cottage after a long day in the slopes for hot chocolate. He knows he’s lying, but he’s pleading for the truth.
They will never get it. They will never understand the pain he feels for feeling the way that he does. He wants them to be happy. He just wishes he was a part of that. Which is selfish. He is just being selfish.
Kevin tries to say something but his voice dies in his throat. The feeling of being the one left out finally kicking in in full gear. Everyone was right. A trio never works.
Jakob keeps drying his tears in silence, Axel has reached out and taken a hold of Kevin’s hand. They look worried for real. God he’s pathetic.
“Kevin… Please talk to us… Please?” Axel's voice breaks the stretched silence. Kevin feels like he has gotten shot.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but we’re here if you want us to know.” He continues. Jakob seemingly being more pleased with Axels words this time around, offering him a sweet smile.
Kevin wishes Jakob would smile at him like that. He squeezes his eyes shut, stopping the steady stream of tears, trying to relax. Maybe if he doesn’t see them for long enough they’ll be gone.
But they don’t move. Kevin hasn’t asked them to. He knew they wouldn’t leave him like this.
“It’s just..” Kevin chokes out “you two are so happy together.” Fuck. That was not what he wanted to say. He’s such a jealous loser.
Axel and Jakob are quiet. Too quiet. The need to fix the situation kicks in in Axles mind without warning.
”What can we do to help you feel better?”
”You don’t get it.” The words are out of his mouth before he can think.
”Kevin, we love you t-“ Jakob means it, he truly does, but Kevin can’t help but feel he’s just throwing out whatever bait he needs to to make Kevin feel better.
“Not like that though and you know it!” It wasn’t meant to be louder than normal. But it was. He sees Axel's eyes go all wide behind his glasses, the way Jakob's lips part in suprise.
“I’m sorry i-“ Kevin starts to stand. “I didn’t.. i’m happy for you two i really am i pro-“ A hand takes a heavy grip
of Kevin’s arm before he can start to walk away.
It’s Jakob.
“I.. I love you. Like… that.” His eyes never leave Kevin’s, his hand yanks him back down into the couch, Kevin follows willingly, his heart stuttering too quickly for him to think about anything else.
He shakes his head. “You don’t have to say that just to make me feel better. It’s alright, you two have each other, I understand that.”
Something places its self in his lap. Before he can look down Jakob leans forward, sliding his hand into Axels, a grounding force over Kevin’s jeans. “No really… We like you like that too.”
If breathing wasn’t something your body did by itself, Kevin would’ve forgotten how to breathe in this moment. His lips part but nothing comes out, he just eyes the hands in his lap, so perfectly slotted together. The shirt feels to tight and he’s sure Jakob and Axel can see his heartbeat through the light fabric.
Kevin stutters something inaudible under his breath, slowly dragging his hand towards Axel and Jakobs. Their grip loosen, giving up space for him.
Kevin’s fingers tingle against Axel and Jakob's palms. They try to close their hands around each other but it won’t quite work. Jakob's thumb is too short for that position.. Axels bracelet cuts into Kevin’s wrist. Kevin’s fingers are way too long compared to Axel and Jakobs for that position.
He snickers. Jakob is closely behind him.
“Okay no you have to go over there!” Axel points with his free hand at Jakob's leftover index finger.
“How?! Kevin’s thumb is in the way, look!”
“You quite literally just let me in here, don't try and push me out now!”
“Never.” Both Axel and Jakob answer a little too quickly. A lopsided smile spreads on Kevin’s face, his one little extra crooked tooth piercing through his lips.
Their hands finally slot perfectly together. And silence once again settles in the room. Still charged. But with the feeling of something changing forever. In a good way.
Axel runs his thumb over Jakob and Kevin’s hands, a content smile spreading across his face. He looks over in Kevin and Jakobs direction. Making sure they’re watching him.
And then he slowly moves their hands towards his face, checking for any signs of the other two looking uncomfortable. But Jakob's pupils blow wide, and Kevin’s eyes are stuck on their hands, his adam’s apple bopping up and down.
He slowly presses a kiss to Jakob's hand, giving Kevin the chance to drag his hand away, even slightly letting his hand go. But he stays. He can’t look away.
Axel locks eyes with Kevin, and presses his lips against Kevin’s hand. Axel's lips are quite soft, and warm. When they leave his hand Kevin has to fight every urge to ask for another. To ask to feel them somewhere else.
But he doesn’t have the chance to say anything before the mess of fingers moves again, this time to his other side, the leather sofa groaning under them.
Jakob smiles at Axel, winks, and presses a firm kiss onto his hand. Axel rolls his eyes.
And then Jakob moves their hands over, and slowly brings kevin’s hand up to his lips. Jakob’s lips are soft, and wet, he must’ve just licked his lips. Kevin’s heart flips and a warmth starts to settle low in his tummy.
Their hands are once again back on Kevin’s left knee. Axel and Jakob are giving Kevin the chance to think about it. There is no pressure to continue. But he wants to. God knows he wants to.
Kevin takes charge and guides their hands up towards his face. First he glances over at Axel, locking eyes with him as he presses a soft kiss against his hand. He can feel the way Axel flexes and relaxes his hand under his lips, even if it only lasted barely a second.
Then he leans back towards Jakob, turning their hands over. Jakobs lips part, stunned and gorgeous. Kevin smiles as he dips his head down and kisses his hand. The faint sound of Jakobs breath catching in his throat is the only thing Kevin’s able to register except for the soft skin under his lips.
He lets out a deep sigh and drags their hands back onto his lap.
His hands tingle where Axel and Jakob have kissed it. The air makes the wetness turn cold against his skin.
He’s nervous, giddy, feelings he hasn’t felt around Axel and Jakob for years, not openly.
A wet giggle escapes Jakobs lips. “For a split second I thought you were homophobic you know.”
“Jakob!” Axel squeezes his hand around Kevin and Jakobs.
“You what?” Kevin snaps his head towards Jakob so quickly his neck makes a popping noise.
“Listen!” He throws his free hand up in the air in defeat, never once moving the one Axel has a death grip around with Kevin’s squeezed in the middle. “You saw us kiss and then you went running. What do you want me to think?”
“Jakob. That’s obviously not why.” Both of them turns around at Axels calm voice. “Who knew he was acurally jealous..?” he smirks, his lip quirking in that way that makes Kevin’s heart skip a beat.
“I am genuinely happy for you two you know.. I just..” He sighs, breaking eye contact with Axel. “I was jealous.” Kevin admits. And it hurts. Being jealous is bad. He should be happy for his friends. Happy that they are happy and he truly was but he also wanted part of that happiness. Admitting it out loud feels like something he should only have done in a confession booth in 15 years when they are married and Kevin is still left on the side. Forever watching.
But here he is, with his hand firmly placed between two palms, and a thumb with black nail polish are slowly caressing the part of his hand not fully cloaked in the other two.
The laughing never starts. The mean words never come. The allegation of being the worst friend known to man, never comes.
“Do you..?” Jakob can’t stop the words spilling out from his mouth. They hit Kevin’s chest like a freight train at full speed.
“Wow, easy there, casanova." Axel chuckles and Jakobs cheeks turns a furious colour of red. Kevin can only squeeze the their hands with his, thoughts racing through his head. Did Jakob mean?
“Can’t be more awkward than whatever this is.” Axel holds up their mess tangled fingers.
Jakob smirks and leans closer, Axel tugs on their hands, slowly drawing closer as well.
For the first time Kevin feels himself being pulled towards Axel and Jakob instead of being repelled away. As if someone had changed his magnetic charge to finally be the right one.
The first thing Kevin felt was Axel's glasses on his right cheek closely followed by Jakob's nose on his. And maybe, if he really concentrated, he felt the a mere ghostly presence of their lips quickly colliding before all three of them quickly pull back.
For maybe the first time in his life Kevin blushes out of pure embarrassment. But Jakobs laugh and Axel desperately tries to fix his wonky glasses. And Kevin can’t help but snicker at them.
“If you two break these I’m leaving the band.” Axel grunts, no real heat behind it.
“Sure, I would like to see you try sötnos.” Jakob muses. The way it so easily slips from his mouth makes something turn in Kevin’s stomach.
Axel's grumpy facade falters for a second and a light dusting of red spreads across his cheeks. Heat settles low in Kevin’s body. Seeing them being in love infront of him, knowing they like him too, doesn’t actually make him jealous. It makes him hot.
He takes a deep breath. Kevin needs to do something about this.
“Okay no.. Like this.” Kevin leans back, and lets go of their hands with his, a slight whine escaping Jakob's lips without warning. Before Axel can comment on it Kevin places one hand on Jakob's chin, the other on Axel's warm cheek and slowly starts to guide their faces towards his.
Axel braces one hand on Kevin’s knee, the other on Jakobs cheek.
Jakob leans into Axel and Kevin, the whimper turning into a content hum.
Kevin closes his eyes and next thing he knows Jakob and Axel's lips are on his. Not one of them daring to move.
Until Axel sighs, leaving Jakob's cheek with his hand and takes off his glasses. Jakob and Kevin giggles, their lips slowly starting to move against each other’s.
Their noses are bumping into each other, sometimes Kevin can feel teeth clank against his own. But more importantly, there are small laughs filling the air in the TV room.
Kevin breaks away, not because he wants to, but because he has to, unless he wants to die of suffocation caused by Axel and Jakob. Which honestly sounds very tempting.
But having their hot breaths against his skin is better than laying 6 feet under. Cause Kevin feels like he’s on cloud nine. And he never, ever, wants to leave.