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"Let's all welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Hontiveros!"
Claps roared as the host called them to be on stage.
She's wearing a simple dark-blue dress that reflects whenever the light shines on her. Ang ganda.
"Thank you po so much for coming sa engagement party namin. Alam kong hindi--" I saw the way she faltered through her words when our eyes met. I don't even know if she really saw me since I'm sitting alone in the corner.
That's something.
She coughed then continued,"-- hindi madali ang pagpunta nyo dito."
I lowered the wine I was drinking. Hindi talaga.
"Pasensya na at mukhang hindi maganda ang timing nitong engag-- pagsasalo-salo natin." she stuttered. Her eyes never leaving mine. As if she was personally apologizing to me.
"Bumabagyo eh." The crowd laughed.
She tried faking her smiles but I know her.
"Maraming salamat. Makita ko sana ulit kayo sa kasalan." She ended her speech quicker than expected.
Congratulatory wishes came as she went down holding hands with the man she chose.
I gulped down the alcohol when I saw her coming near me. I'm thinking of different excuses to exit this place early but came with nothing. Or baka ayaw ko rin naman talaga. Baka I'm still waiting... Still hoping na baka may chance pa. A sad laugh escaped softly.
"Salamat sa pag-punta, Sherwin." I was nearly surprised when she came. Alone.
"Oh. Where's the future Mr. Hontiveros para ma-congratulate ko naman kayo pareho." I tried not to sound bitter.
"Don't do this please." She replied shaking her head.
"No. Really, where is he? And why are you here?" I asked.
"He's probably with the other guests." she replied weakly, lowering herself in the chair besides mine.
I nodded.
"You should probably went with him. Why are you here?" I replied while filling my glass with more wine.
"Bakit ka naman may bote dito?" she tried diverting the topic.
"Senate President privileges, I guess." I shrugged. I tried not to look at her but my curiosity got me so I did.
And there I saw different emotions-- one of them, guilt.
"Why are you really here?" I asked softly while looking away.
"I was... Checking."
I nodded.
"I'm-- I don't know."
"Okay."
"Can we... go outside?" She said hesitating.
"Nahihibang ka na ba? This is your party tapos aalis ka? With me pa of all people. Baka magtaka yang fiancé mo."
Nagtama ang mga paningin namin.
That's the second ridiculous thing she said, the first one is the fact the she will be getting married. With another.
"He trusts me." She said while looking at me. Nakipag-sukatan pa ako ng tingin sa kanya but I surrendered and focused on my drink again.
"Please. Get me out of here." She pleaded, almost whispering.
I let out a sigh.
"Exit tayo sa may back door. Ayoko namang maging headline tayo bukas. 5 minutes then we'll go back inside na." I said. When have I ever said no to her?
She nodded.
I was the first one to stand up, she followed right after.
"Stressed?" I asked while we settle in a small bridge across a pond.
"Sobra."
Silence filled us.
I waited, only looking at our reflections. There's only us, and the moon as our witness.
"Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'to."
I looked at her immediately. All my senses telling me to say that she's making the biggest mistake of her life but I replied with the most sensible one.
"What happened?" I stared at her.
"I don't know. I saw you and..." Our eyes met. The same eyes that looked at me with love, now filled with longing and starting to glisten. I looked away immediately.
I took a deep breath at napa-iling na lang.
"Risa... Please, nagmamakaawa ako sa'yo--" I almost choked. Shit. What a sight. The Senate President of the Philippines crying over some unfinished complicated relationship.
"No. You have to hear me out." she said stubbornly and openly crying, not caring about her make up. Or with the fact that we're literally just outside her engagement party venue.
"There will always be a part of my heart that's yours and yours only--"
I didn't let her finished. I don't even want to process what she said.
"No." I met her gaze. I tried to contain my emotions but anger, the easiest reaction, came out.
"Huwag mo ng ituloy yan kung babalik ka rin naman sa loob-- at alam na alam kong babalik ka ron dahil kilala kita, Risa." I said firmly, destroying all the hopes quietly building inside me.
"Maawa ka naman sa'kin kahit kaunti. Kahit ngayon lang. When you asked for us to break up kasi it wasn't okay with your image at na-feel mong hindi ako ready for commitment-- okay lang. Kasi totoo naman. Tang ina, I've made terrible choices when choosing my associations, kaya sige okay lang. Kasalanan ko e. Hinayaan kita kasi mahal kita e. Parehas mahalaga sa'tin ang responsibilidad natin sa bayan." Maybe it's the alcohol that made me have the courage to speak all the things I've buried.
She's sobbing so much now. Gusto kong tumigil pero hindi ko kaya. Kailangan kong mailabas lahat 'to kasi kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa? Sa kasal nya?
"Nung pangalawang beses nating mag-try sinabi mo sa'kin na uunahin at uunahin ko ang mga pangarap ko kesa sa relasyon natin then followed it with "Love, I'm sorry but this is also taking too much of me. Napapagod na ako." Anong ginawa ko? Kahit hindi ko maintindihan kasi kung ako lang naman ang tatanungin, Risa, nung 2016 pa kita gustong pakasalan. I tried explaining at alam mo yun, I tried. God, I tried. Pero ayokong dumagdag sa mga iniisip mo so I gave you space. Hindi ko naman alam na huli na yon."
"Tas nung... Nung in-inform mo ako--" I bite my lower lip to stop them from shaking.
"Nung sinabihan mo akong sa kanya mo nahanap yung peace na hinahanap mo, yung sense of commitment-- kahit masakit, I let you go, Risa." Stupid tears.
"And I know you, Ris. Mahal mo yun. Maybe you're just shocked that I'm here pero alam kong mahal mo sya."
A call from the outside broke our bubble.
"Senator Risa, tawag po kayo sa loob." A staff quickly said then left immediately.
I took a deep breath.
"Let's fix your make up muna before you go inside. Baka sabihin pang inaway ka ng Senate President."
I succeeded avoiding her eyes while I handed her some tissues.
"Sherwin, I'm really sorry."
Huminga ako ng malalim.
"I know. Hindi mo kasalanan." Sabi ko sa kanya nang taimtim.
"Oh. Para ka na ulit hindi umiyak. Go inside na."
"Hindi ka na babalik?"
I looked at her and smiled to reassure her.
"Nope. Baka hindi ako makapag-timpi, itanan kita." I half jokingly said.
I walked away trying not to look back.
But I did. Of course, I did.
"Congratulations, Risa. I know you're happy. And I'm..." Magsisinungaling naman ako kung sasabihin kong masaya rin ako para sa kaniya.
She just nodded and smiled sadly.
I turned my back at her, at the engagement party, at the idea of the future we could've had.
I put my hands in my pocket and felt the small rectangular box containing a piece of jewelry-- something I bought during our first week together back then. A testimony of my love for her became the evidence of my what ifs.