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Welcome to the official website for the One Wish Willow limited liability corporation. Within these websites are eleven stories of past Willow users, which we advise potential wishers to read before using their Willow. Furthermore, we have two One Wish Willow LLC. employees commenting on the cases and answering potential questions and comments you may have underneath each portion of the cases. Jeremiah Bianchi (UkranianCursive) and Melody Park (gayley_wayley) will interact with commenters and ensure a helpful and possibly entertaining experience.
We hope that you read through each story as they become publically available. Enjoy.
ABOUT ME: Jeremiah Bianchi
Apparently, I'm supposed to answer some stupid fucking questions so you people “trust me” or some bullshit, so here goes nothing. My name is Jeremiah Bianchi, and I was born in Detroit, Michigan. I lived in Detroit until I went to school at the University of Virginia. I was working in D.C. in a marketing program when I got dragged into the One Wish Willow bullshit. The guy I was working for said the company needed a marketing miracle after a recent lawsuit involving a death-by-wish. I had high hopes at first, but I soon realized that everyone who gets to make a wish usually wastes it on something stupid that ruins their lives. I took this website job because it offered a bonus, and that's it.
For your information, OOW, let me name the cases I worked on so you’ll be seeing a decent number of inside jokes from me. I was allowed to name cases 0064, 0944, 2787, 9248, 3084, and Melody, and I both worked on case 4999. You can write out and ask questions, but don’t expect me to answer them quickly. I try to answer as slowly as possible because it pisses off my boss, and I hate that guy. Nothing against you guys. I urge anyone reading this to actually think about your wish. No matter how much I hate my bosses, they’re right: the willow isn't inherently evil. Be careful out there.
- Jeremiah Bianchi (UkranianCursive)
Favorite Color: Why the fuck do you care? …It's white.
Favorite Vacation Spot: I don't know, the Great Lakes?
When Did You Join One Wish: December 2021. It was a great Christmas gift.
What Would You Use a Wish On: I already used my wish. I got a never-ending bag of Pizza Pockets. It was the greatest thing I could have asked for.
Least Favorite Smell: What the hell kind of question is that? I don’t know, maybe Bath and Body Works? That shit hurts my head.
How Much Are You Getting Paid: None of your business, but it's enough to ignore all the gruesome shit I see and get my Mom a house outside of Detroit.
ABOUT ME: Melody Park
Hey guys!! My name is Melody Elizabeth Park and I’m an intern for the One Wish Willow corporation. I’ve been tasked to work with Jeremiah on these eleven cases so that we can increase awareness about the effects of the Willow. I’m sure they can’t do anything too terrible without the Wisher being a savory fella. I was born in Portland, Oregon, and moved away when I was accepted into New York University for a degree in psychology. I took this internship in order to study the thought that goes into each and every wish, as well as to help people who need it with our wishes.
Like Jeremiah, I’ve also been allowed to name cases and translate them from legal-ese into something the common person can learn something from. My cases are: Case 2183, Case 7487, Case 4758, Case 1907, and Case 1049. I’ll also be collaborating with Jeremiah on Case 4999. For the record, I chose these cases because they stood out to me as something the average person could wish for, and that’s why I’m here! To help the average person navigate the wonders and challenges that the One Wish Willow presents. I’ll also be relatively active in the comments section of my cases (as well as some of Jeremiah’s, don’t tell him), answering questions and conversing with commenters. Apologies if I don’t respond very quickly - I’m in my senior year of college, and the workload is bonkers! As my closing remark, I’d just like to remind readers that the Willow is not cursed. In fact, there are hundreds of cases that resulted in a casual, down-to-Earth response from the magic of the Willow. Please, please, please think about your wish before you make it and consider all possible repercussions. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Nice to meet you!
- Melody Park (gayley_wayley)
Favorite Color: Purple or Yellow!
Favorite Vacation Spot: When I was a little girl, my family and I drove down South to the southern coast of California. Seeing my little brothers dive through the waves like little dolphins was a highlight of my childhood.
When Did You Join One Wish: September 2024
What Would You Use a Wish On: I haven’t used my wish yet. I’m waiting for the right time. However, if I could wish for anything, I’d definitely wish for world peace. A little cliche, but I think it’d help.
Least Favorite Smell: Weirdly, it’s chocolate milk. My baby brother spilled a huge cup of it in my carpeted bedroom, and the smell never really left. It got sour very fast.
How Much Are You Getting Paid: I’m an intern! I’m being paid in customer satisfaction and praise from my boss.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS WITH OWW LLC. EMPLOYEES - JEREMIAH B. AND MELODY P.
------------ Start of Interview ------------
I: What are your names?
J: Isn’t it like your whole job to know my name?
M: Jeremiah, be nice. I’m so sorry about that. He’s grumpy.
J: It’s not my fault that they scheduled this interview at the fucking crack of dawn.
I: Mr. Bianchi, it's 11:00 AM.
J: Exactly. 11:00 AM, the fucking crack of dawn.
M: Jeremiah, be nice. In regard to your earlier question, my name is Melody Park, and this is Jeremiah Bianchi.
I: Lovely, so when did you both join the company?
M: September 2024.
J: December 2021.
I: Now for the stuff people actually want to know, have you made a wish?
M: No! I’ve never used the One Wish Willow because I have to assume that something will come up later in life that would be better solved by a willow.
J: Hell yeah, I wished for a never-ending bag of pizza pockets.
I: I see, and have you experienced any adverse effects from that wish?
J: Besides the weight gain? Not really.
I: How can you work for a company that does well, *Note that the interviewer gestured wildly to the court cases sitting in front of him* this, to people?
J: Well I don't know about Melody, but I stay for two reasons, the first one being obviously because I need a job, but the second reason is because this *Jeremiah gestures to the cases* is because of human error and in no part the company's fault. If you're gonna wish for something stupid and cruel, it's only fair that something stupid and cruel happens to you, you know?
I: Do you feel guilty?
J: Uh, no? I just fucking explained that.
M: I’m sorry for him. What he meant to say was that we at One Wish Willow, of course, feel saddened by the adverse effects of our product. However, as we explained earlier, the responsibility must be taken by the Wisher for an ultimately harmful wish.
I: Question for Mr. Bianchi, we found old records that insinuate that you attempted to leave this company after a recent event involving a mister Dick Lancaster. Any comments?
J: How the fuck- ugh yeah okay. I felt bad for the old man, alright. My Nonno fought in Nam, and in the end, even though he made it back, the war still killed him, but that’s none of your fucking business, so piss off.
I: Question for Ms. Park, you seem to hold a certain child-like optimism, so I would like to know how you reacted to the One Wish Willow’s death count reaching quadruple digits this past January?
M: Well, I’d like to start off by sending my condolences to the families and friends of the unfortunate souls who were lost due to the Willow. However, the Willow itself does not cause these deaths; the wishes that are made cause them. Many wishers who experienced harm because of their wish were unfortunately not the best people roaming our Earth, and their wishes were ultimately rather selfish. If you were to hold your ideals to something like a car company because of the number of people killed in car accidents, then they’d say the same thing. As harsh as it is, people must take responsibility for their wishes and their effects.
I: Yes, but you must feel ashamed that you continue to protect this very clearly corrupt corporation-
J: First of all, One Wish Willow is an LLC, which you would know if you weren’t such a shit interviewer, and second of all, this interview is over, fuck off.
I: Hey, you don't get to decide when we’re done. I still have questions, and per your contract-
J: Fuck the contract, get the fuck out before I remove you forcefully.
M: Sir, the contract detailed a polite, business-friendly interview. Your questions have been nothing but probing and rude. Please excuse my colleague and me. *At this time Melody grabs Jeremiah by the bicep and drags both of them from the room. Unintelligible mumbles can be heard from the two of them as the audio cuts off*
------------ End of Interview ------------
As you may have read on the title page, The One Wish Willow is not a cursed product and all consequences of a wish are the fault of the wisher. Furthermore, the One Wish Willow LLC. is a limited liability corporation, meaning any and all cases will be against the corporation rather than any employee, retailer, or CEO. Many of these cases have ended in lawsuits against the OOW LLC., and we heavily advise you to not waste your time
Thank you.