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Susie holds the ice creams, trying to savour the coldness seeping between the cracks in her scaly, calloused skin.
She can't help but feel like somethings wrong, she can barely see any of kris's face and their hands are greying. They move like something is controlling them- like a poppet- or whatever that word is.
She lingers a moment, she doesn't want anything different after such a good day, maybe even the best day she's had… ever. I mean the bar wasn't very high for that but still, it beat the day noelle first gave her the candy cane pen.
The evening sun was warm in the orange glow and made her feel almost like she did before she was all tough. Like that little girl who wore ribbons and dresses and spoke sweetly. She felt like a girl who Noelle would've hung out with.
Susie could imagine that, a sweet doe eyed fawn, stubs for antlers. She would smell like pine, ferns and something christmassy. Like ginger and cinnamon and star anise. She would wear those angel wings from her wardrobe and probably fall over as she walked, like a newborn deer would.
Something ripped her away from the soft image in her head, something visceral and deep. She could just think of noelle now, in pain. Who knows what from; maybe the dark worlds, maybe susie, maybe a nightmare. She hoped it wasn't her for once, she didn't want to be a big scary monster, she wanted a life where she could be as dainty as noelle.
noelle had her life all Planned out, she had clothes to change into, a nice house with a garden, she had money to spend on the fair games and money not short. Earlier susie had to stop herself from being so rejectful when she handed out what mustve been hundreds of dollars of just, new cash. She didn't want to take any, its hers anyway and she felt… different now. She wouldve probably stolen it or something equally dumb as a joke last week. But something felt right now, maybe she couldve needed that, Or maybe just needed it for rent that was due soon. Who knows. It wouldn't have felt right.
Her heart raced from thinking of noelle So much so she just focused on walking one step at a time, her old shoes on the sunwarmed concrete underfoot. She always wondered what was undergroud, she knew dirt and rocks were there but what if she went further, dug a tunnel so deep she found the sky again. Somewhere where the sun wasn't shining and she could be free of fear and her stupid bodily emotions. Or maybe free of whatever held them back right now.
Before she could remember, she was walking. Walking fast and faster, every step more of a leap than the last. She couldn't see noelle or kris but she felt like eyes watched her every step. A feeling similar to the titan fight, but it felt more downwards, like a cat prowling from the undergrowth.
she dropped the ice creams, lemon and strawberry mixing on the dirt, she looked at the sun setting over the water, at the tree line, at the reflection on the water.
And the two people, far too deep in the lake to breathe, a yellow halo of hair floating around the surface and a red-brown highlighted black helmet. Noelle and kris.
she stepped, ran, ran, ran, waded. She stopped, didn't dare go further or she would fall.
She didn't know how to swim and she couldn't get to them from The beach. They kept moving away into the sun. They kept proceeding further and further and further and further
susie couldn't do anything. She couldn't be a hero, she couldn't save them. She never could. She wasnt a healer, nor a hero. She would never get to be a holiday either. She knew from the tears streaming cold down her face that she would be a alone again. She knew that she had just watched the two people who made her want to live, die.
so she fell back into the water, letting her shirt soak and her hair run loose like algae and the roots of a tree, the water feeling like solid ground around her and steadying her. She sobbed like a child, keeping an eye on the sun but she blinked. They were gone. Under the water.
where she couldn't go, where she would never have been able to go anyway. Down into depths hidden by shadows and shrouded by the cage of freedom.
The sun was gorgeous, but the pink and orange and yellow was too close to the warmth of noelle's cheeks when she blushed, the orange of her fur and the yellow of her hair.
She was then hit by the thought of the dark worlds, would they both die with the secrets they kept, noelle would always be innocent and kris would die with no words to explain. Her mind drifts to ralsei, how would she tell him.
How would she tell him that the only person who could save them died? The homely, quiet person who you never got to know and the girl next door type who was destined for sorrow in her love?
Susie wondered if the hero's role was hers to harbour now, whether her death was emotional or whether they never were the people in the prophecy and ralsei was gone?
Forever stuck to be a prince in a large turqoise hat and hiding in the shadow of the magenta scarf. Would she be mad again? Her teeth bared like usual, the only fear or love she felt was on the run.
On the run from herself, from the little girl in her soul who wants to wear the bows. The girl who is now sitting in sand, the tears of her pain joining the lake, maybe they could go deep and find noelle and kris, would they be the water filling their lungs? Would she hurt the only people she was close with again.
She sat solemn, waiting for the night to come. Maybe they would crawl out from the night skies reflection in the water. She would hold them in her palms like two pearls, she would hold them close and hide them away from the prying eyes.
But she knew they were where she wasnt. She thought about leaving. Joining them in the depths of space as a star, she was stupid for thinking that she could do that. She couldn't imagine a grave for herself, not by gerson in the graveyard, it felt too final. It felt too formal, any she was rude and who would pay for it anyway.
She could imagine her classmates laughing, toriel speaking too happily as she silently talked about nothing in particular, beating around the fact that nobody liked her and she was a bully.
And she thought about being buried by the empty tombs of kris and noelle. Would they even get graves? Or will they be missing like December ? A tragedy- no a mystery of the missing holidays and the links between the holiday-dreamurr families. No mention of susie, lost to the hands of time.
Did they plan this? Maybe they did, kris had woken up late into the evening or did they? Was a note written in red ink like usual sitting on their bed, finally apologising to asriel and toriel and asgore? Would they even add susie or was that just a ploy to get closer to noelle again? Did noelle log off her computer? Did she clear her history of missing teenage cases and mentions of meta narratives and possession, did she mention in a blog post that she was going to disappear like she always wanted to do.
Susie though back to earlier, she must've planned this. From the way she savoured every look; from The way she sat aginst susie's heart like she didn't have her own. And how she handed out that money like it meant nothing with a bittersweet smile on her face. Susie knew that look well, one she tried to put on before when she ran away. One of regret for wanting to disappear, of thinking about whether you would ever get to finish a life.
was she was ten, she ran away for a few weeks. Came back for the fear of death, she didn't want to die a child but she didn't want to live like an adult: paying for bills and arguing with the landlord about whether she can stay, stealing money and food.
she would miss them, would she even get to do that? Was she stupid for thinking she could have nice things.
As she pondered, she walked closer to the water. Feeling the cold indigo liquid envelope her legs. she felt the warmth of the sand under her shoes. She barely thought anything, only wanting to go with them. The two people who she cared about. She would never have to Live without love again.
She walked further, keeping a steady pace into the water. The moon was beautiful tonight. It's pale yellow glow reminded her of the time in the ferris wheel in the cyber world, sitting next to Noelle.
The water lapped against her thighs now, starting to feel like the snow now. It was cold like the police station she was kept in for a day for stealing when she was younger.
Her dark hair was messy, Around her shoulders and she remembered the way it was her pride and joy, it was the only thing linking her to femininity anymore. Having to wear her dads old clothes and leather boots for their strength. She never got to live as who she wanted to be.
She kept proceeding forwards, ignoring the freezing in her hands and feet. It hurt but not as much as her heart hurt. It nipped like getting your fingers caught in a door.
The water swooped her hair around, like seaweed it swirled. The waves in her usually dry frizzy hair starting to form. It looked like the wind, the clouds, the skies on a summer Night. She didn't feel that graceful though. She shook in the cold and the fear. Her eyes still dripped into the water. She walked faster.
The water stung her eyes. It was painful and deserved. She didn't need to see anything, she had nothing to see anymore. So she kept walking,
Faster, faster, faster. Until the water covered her head and she kept walking even then. Her scales were cool and itching, the purple reflected kindly from Under the water. Blue and pink And orange and yellow and green all filled her eyes. The kind that are like warnings that you can't come back from this decision.
She didn't care. Not one bit.
So she continued On and on until the moon was a memory and she felt free. So she let go. her lungs filled, painful and in a state of animalistic distress. She clawed at the water, at her face, at her chest. But it didn't stop and before she died, She finally accepted everything. Holding her arms around herself, her only show of Love to herself.
And the sun rose, Nobody came looking for her. Only when noelle and kris were lost was when they came across her, only her floating At the top of the lake like a rose petal in a bathtub. They never knew. And they mever would. The secrets died With her.