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The gentle beats of the rain against the mansion’s windows always served to offer an uncomfortable feeling of melancholy to Subaru’s soul as he messed about with Beatrice.
On the surface, things were fine, or rather, there was nothing amiss, and that was a comfortable reality which everyone could typically allow themselves to rest in, allowing themselves the opportunity to rest after days, weeks, months of combat and tribulations.
But there were questions within his mind, which simply could not be evaded.
Have I really done enough to deserve such rest?
Did I save as many people as I could, or am I just choosing to save people on a whim?
Have I prepared myself and the people around me enough to respond to a future crisis?
On the surface, thinking he could shoulder such deep expectations all by himself would be seen by others as nothing short of arrogance; after all, the question of “Who do I think I am?” It was not foreign to Subaru.
Yet, through Return by Death, granting him the ability to survey a multitude of different options, view a multitude of different sides of people which they would never show now until the end of time, offered him the leeway to be arrogant in such a manner.
So, as Subaru made his way back into his room, as midnight approached, the sounds of parties done to celebrate victories which he had achieved through trial and error, he didn’t allow a frown to settle on his face as he tucked Beatrice into bed.
“She’ll probably get really angry at me if she sees me sneaking around at night like this,” Subaru muttered under his breath, the vision of Ram staring down at him and calling him a pervert, to which he would obviously rebuke, replaying constantly in his mind as he stared out the window.
The distant stars were hidden by the thick, black thunderclouds which hung over the world; it didn’t particularly rain like this usually, with Roswaal routinely clearing the overhanging clouds for sunny days on his behalf so he could admire the stars in the night sky.
Yet, he had not asked today. And upon truly taking in the environment of the world which existed before his eyes, a numbing realisation struck his soul once more.
“Mom, Dad.”
Mumbling those words under his breath, gritting his teeth as though he were attempting to bite down on the sensation of acknowledging their existence, yet as per their nature, words were fleeting.
He would never go back home; he would live and die here again and again and again. His mother and father’s smiles would soon become distant memories, and then he would forget their names, then their faces, then their hobbies, until nothing remained but an empty hole.
Yet, if given the option to return to how things once were, he wouldn’t take it.
“I’m such a shitty son,” Subaru thought to himself, watching as the lightning struck the ground in a far-off land, as a slight hint of curiosity insidiously slid into his mind on how exactly Cecilus was capable of creating such an effect behind him as he ran.
“Why are you still awake?”
A voice cut through his musings as Subaru leaned on the windowsill, causing him to turn his head to a voice which he had longed to hear for so long it seemed like decades. Blue hair in a blue nightgown, a hairstyle which suited her perfectly, it was Rem.
“Ah, sorry, sorry, I just couldn’t sleep, the celebrations have gotten me so excited that–”
“My question was rhetorical, I figured you would give some excuse like this if I–if Rem asked anyway, so I didn’t bother expecting anything,” Rem replied, making her way towards him and standing at his side, her expression shifting between forced impassivity and awkwardness as Subaru turned to face her.
“How are you adjusting to the mansion? I’m sure there are a lot of people whom you don’t know, and a lot of people who don’t know you either, so are you doing well?”
Flunking first impressions was something Subaru was more familiar with than anyone else in both worlds, from the mansion to the capital, his first meeting with Emilia to his second first meeting with Rem, and the suffering which each failure brought with it was uniquely agonising compared to the last.
That experience was something he would rather die than put Rem through.
“I–Rem is adjusting, Nee-sama has been kind to me and shown me about, and Frederica-san has been very strict as a teacher, which I appreciate, although Garfiel-san is quite boisterous.”
Listing off her experiences as she counted her fingers, Rem didn’t miss the fond smile which settled on Subaru’s face as she did so, causing her to stop preemptively, a deflection or insult building itself in her throat in an attempt to–
“You can stop trying not to hurt my feelings, you know?” Subaru asked abruptly, cutting her off before she was capable of even beginning her statement as she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly. Yet, Rem did not need to answer for Subaru’s mind to have settled on the topic.
“The insulting me thing, trying to speak how you think I expect “Rem” to because you want to match up to expectations, whilst at the same time insulting me so that I don’t get my hopes too high and get disappointed, honestly, if you’re trying to be kind in so many contradictory ways, I’ll have to give you an A+”
His words were not mockery; instead, they reflected the truth that Subaru had learnt, from the time she had put her life on the line for his sake, all the way back when they had truly begun building their relationship, to their time spent together in Vollachia.
In her own way, Rem was kind. And Subaru knew her far too well for there to be any unnecessary words exchanged between the two to understand why she acted the way she did.
“Stop acting like you have me all figured out. In the first place, what makes you think I’m not insulting you because I just disdain you?” Rem fired back, but there was far less heat to it than she had intended, and the look in Subaru’s eyes reflected that truth back at her tenfold.
“You wouldn’t have offered to be left behind if you really hated me that much. Or beat up Jamal and his group. Or fed me, you can be honest with me, you know? If there’s one person in the world that I want to spill my heart out to the most, it’s you. But if we don’t at least talk, then nothing can be done.”
The crackling of lightning grew louder, causing Rem’s attention to be caught by it for a few moments before Subaru turned his back to her, flashing her a wide smile as he rested his back against the wall of the windowsill, patting his side and offering her to sit with him.
Debating it in her mind for a few moments, the blue-haired Oni eventually relented, shuffling her nightgown across her body for comfort before sitting at his side, a comfortable silence settling between the two as Subaru gave her the opportunity to speak her mind.
“About strangling you, I went too far. I won’t try to justify myself here, but after that—after realising that there was a reason why you hated Spica, and why you looked at me with such fond eyes, I just couldn’t.”
Her words were incoherent, or rather, Rem herself was incapable of properly putting them into words; however, there did not need to be an excess exchange of words for either of the two to understand one another, as Subaru nodded his head sagely.
“It’s a similar sort of situation to digging yourself in a hole and being too scared of looking up, I get it. Actually, I was in a situation just like this, only a few days before we first met, did you know?”
“You…lost your memories?” Rem replied, her tone far more curious than she had tried to make it sound, as Subaru nodded, continuing on as the sound of rain gently colliding with the window echoed through the hallway.
“Yeah, and everyone thought I was some bigshot, or at least that’s how I took it. They all expected things from me, claimed I could do these things, thought I was so amazing in ways I didn’t think I was. Of course, Emilia-tan gave me a good kick in the ass to stand up again, but there was still a lingering thought in my mind.”
“Just what makes me so special?” Pausing, Subaru saw Rem attempt to answer, yet she, too, fell silent as she found herself lost for words, so he continued. “I thought everyone around me was against me at some point, and I thought of doing some ridiculous things, yet nobody ever abandoned me.”
“Eventually, I figured out what did make me “special,” in my own sense, is that I love everyone, every single one of you, and because of that I can’t stand still forever, and you’re a hundred times more special than me, don’t you think?”
At that, it was Rem’s turn to allow a short, degrading laugh to escape her lips as her eyes turned downcast. “You look at me as if I’m meant to be amazing at so many things, yet I find myself lagging behind everyone else. I can see it in your eyes that you expect me to be better than I am, to be somebody that I’m not.”
“Being better than you are and being somebody that you’re not aren’t identical,” Subaru replied, his tone slightly firmer than it usually was as he turned his gaze to face Rem completely, this time demanding her attention.
“You mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I look at you the way I do because I’m thinking, “wow, Rem is amazing,” and the things which I love about you still haven’t changed, even without your memories. Even if everyone else forgets it, Rem is Rem.”
“If you think that there’s something that the Rem in the past could do that you can’t, isn’t all that’s left to surpass that past version of yourself, so I have no choice but to acknowledge how cool you are?”
To surpass oneself, it was an identical conclusion to what Cecilus Segmunt had decided in a battle with his life on the line, and it was the conclusion that Subaru had offered to Rem, who found herself incapable of escaping the expectations she thought people had placed on her.
Repeatedly trying and failing yet refusing to avert her eyes from a future where she could walk with her head held high, that was what Subaru wished for her, hoped for her.
“Still, I don’t want to be just another one of your people who you take into account when you plan, I don’t want to be the one who is one-sidedly relying on you all the time.”
“But then–”
Subaru’s words were cut off preemptively as Rem’s soft hands intertwined with his own, as the two stared each other in the eye at a distance so close they could feel the other's breath as she restated the question she had asked at the start of the conversation.
“Why are you still awake?” Rem asked, and from the burning gaze which she levelled on him, combined with the very Rem-like ability to see through him whenever he decided to put on airs, Subaru decided that honesty was once more the best policy.
“I’m just…feeling uneasy about everything, wondering if I’ve done enough. It’s like when you’re constantly being forced to do something, so when you stop, all you can think of is when next you’ll be forced to do it again. So I can’t really appreciate peace and quiet like this. Sorry–”
“Um, I don’t think it’s that bizarre that you’re uneasy. We’ve just been through a war and all but…I’ve already said it before, but you’re not a hero who can take on everything by yourself. At the end of the day, you’re just a human, and the rest of us have our own responsibilities.”
Pausing, trying to see if she found the right words as Subaru’s hand unconsciously squeezed tighter around hers, Rem took a deep breath and continued, ascertaining what “she” wanted to say, rather than what she’d think “Rem” would.
“What I mean is, feel free to rely on everyone around you, if things go awry, feel free to get angry at everyone, I–I’m sure everyone else won’t mind if you let your frustrations off your chest once in a while, because we care about you.”
Silence stretched over the hallway once more, but only Subaru’s echo of her words came out of his lips in a short “Care about me, huh?” Tore through the silence in that interval as he turned to face her, her eyes meeting his own as he smiled slightly.
“Yeah, I’ve been a bit of an idiot. Do you mind listening to a selfish request of mine?”
Nodding her head, Subaru turned away from her, taking a deep breath as he restrained himself from crossing the line in such a place as he asked.
“Could you sit here and listen to the rain with me?”
And Rem’s answer was as expected.