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It was late at night, as it always was, every day turned to night eventually, and night to day, one of those things that just is. Not much you can do about it, eh?
The streets outside were vaguely illuminated by the streetlamps, with the occasional far in between car passing by, its glaring lights a bit hard on the eyes at such an hour.
-
-
Andrew laid in bed, old blankets thrown messily over him.
He was in one of the worst states you could be in, he was exhausted beyond belief yet could not fall asleep if his life depended on it. Every time he would close his eyes, he couldn't seem to keep them that way, the smallest noise alarming him, making him paranoid, everything made him paranoid at this point.
He stirred in bed for hours, trying to find some position that would finally let him slumber, but it was never right, the mattress always felt too hard and harsh underneath him, the blankets were never warm enough, he was never warm enough.
It didn't help how much his body would sweat, making the cold that crept its way up every inch of his body ever so more unbearable, he would shiver, shiver from the cold.
Andrew was anything but healthy, he barely slept, barely bathed, barely got to feel fresh air in his lungs and soft wind on his skin, his wounded skin, any slight bump caused a bruise. He also never ate, well…sometimes, but never enough, never even near enough.
Andrew was a mess, in every way a man could be a mess, in every way that if you saw him out in the wild you wouldn't be able to not just feel miserable being close to him.
And to think of who he was at some point, someone so passionate, someone who woke up every day to practice his guitar and go out with friends, someone who went to the gym every so often to stay in decent shape. Now? The guitar was in a dust covered case in the closet, his friends he knew in person would barely call him or even worry about him; as if he was a lost cause, he looked like he would rattle like a skeleton when he walked
What happened to him? Pff…minecraft that's what happened.
He hated how much some stupid game had fucked up everything about him and his life, he hated how weak he was, how pathetic he must seem, how much he couldn't help chris…
Chris…Chris…that name felt so bittersweet, and so was everything it brought with it.
-
…how could he be so IGNORANT??
Was he really lost in himself that much?! Could he really not tell chris was oh I dont know…suffering?! As much as he was?! MORE even?! Was he really that selfish? That focused on how good it felt when Chris helped him? that he couldn't think of offering any amount of that kindness back? Back to someone who might actually deserve it?! Andrew didn't deserve any of that, any of the love and care and worry Chris gave him, NONE I TELL YOU! He's been such a dick to Chris, so ungratefully, and now look! Chris is gone, GONE I TELL YOU! And it's all his. Fault. His. Fault. HIS. FAULT. He is such a waste, such a burden, Chris would have been so much better without him, he might have STILL BE ALIVE!!! He doesn't deserve Chris, he doesn't deserve any of this, any of the kindness and love Chris showed to him, any of his worry for his well-being. He was such the ungrateful piece of shit, so selfish, so weak, the worst friend he could have ever had. There was no going back, chris was dead…dead…it was his fault…HIS FAULT, HIS FUCKING FAULT!
. . .
. . .
Andrew felt more exhausted now, thinking made his head hurt, especially when he thought of…that.
. . .
And now that his…his head hurt…his vision was…was poor…it was hard to make out stuff…he…he swore he could see…something…in the corner of his room…pitch black…it…looked like someone's shadow…
. . .
Oh god… oh great, he was hallucinating again… this always happened after his thoughts spiraled like that...especially when he thought of himself.
. . .
It was still in the corner, didn't do a thing…didnt say a thing…
But…
There…
There was a smell in the room…
It smelled like…
Plants?
It smelled like…that one time…that one time he went on a school trip to ireland…and he had snuck out of the group to go lay in a clover field after it rained…the smell…its smelled like how it did in that moment…
God…
He was…really…just…his senses were on some type of drug this time…these hallucinations were vivid…
. . .
He closed his eyes, dwelling in the smell of clovers and other plants…the smell of those plants after a heavy rain on a somewhat sunny day…
It brought him a small…sence of peace…the night didn't feel as harsh with that smell…
No…no…no no no…he already established that he did not deserve these…these positive feeling…after all of the shit he fucked up? No way
He tried to push the smell away…tried to push the comfort away…but the smell got stronger, it felt as if those clovers and plants were right next to him, looming over his bed…
And the thing in the corner is…wh...where is it?? It was there a second ago! Don't tell me he was…
Andrew looked over to the side of the bed, his eyes slowly rolling up from gazing at the covers to the bed…to the…black shadow…now…next…to his bed…
Shit…
Andrew tensed up a little, looking at the figure straight in the face…the featureless face
It was looming over him, its head slightly turned down to look at him better, probably. It had no clear face it seemed, but he could feel those eyes on him, judging him, analyzing his figure…again…probably
Was…the smell coming from the figure? This episode might be the worst one yet…what was he even falsely perceiving at this point?
. . .
Andrew was even more shocked, and confused, and...and everything else…
The smell now surrounded him fully, it was just…the perfect amount of it as well…? strong enough to be smelled but soft enough to not overwhelm him…
And…and not only that he wasn't as scared as he thought he should be of whatever the shadow thing was looking at him, eyeing him almost. It felt…how did it feel? It was…not…horrifying…he didn't feel like it was gonna tear his body open and eat every last bit of body fat and muscles in his form, the little there was.
It might just be the smell, honestly, maybe the smell makes him feel more comfortable than he should be…
. . .
The figure stood and stared, for what felt like hours, but was probably 15 minutes -which is still a lot- . Andrew would glance at the figure every so often.
Why was this hallucination lasting so long? And such a stable one? Normally they lasted a few painful minutes and they were crazy and nonsensicall…never like this…
. . .
“So uh…you're just gonna…stand there…?”
It gave no response
. . .
“I don’t…I don't have all night to look at you and for…you to look at me-”
. . .
Andrew grew a bit awkward, why? Hell do I know? It wasn't talking to it and it probably wasn't human let alone real!
. . .
“You know I'm just…just gonna try and sleep…dont…mess it up for me…”
Andrew hid further into the blankets and closed his eyes, trying desperately to fall asleep.
He couldn't, obviously he couldn't , who did he think he was? He just expected that his body and mind and everything could work like a normal person when he just…he wasn't a normal person, he wasn't. Actually, a normal person would have been more self aware and maybe worried about his friend?? That oh I dont know…sacrificed his own health for his? And he wasn't even healthy! All of that was a waste! A waste I tell you! Chris…Chris…he should have worried about himself more than…than on him…he should have just let him rot…to live and die a lonely, miserable life…to-
. . .
He was…speaking out loud…in a whisper…but loud enough for…
Andrew turned around
“You…you d-didn't hear a thing, a-alright-?”
. . .
God this was embarrassing…
The figure was still standing next to his bed.
He hid even further into the blanket, hiding himself.
He couldn’t…he couldn't be seen after that…speaking out loud like that? How stupid…how stupid…how stupid he was…couldn’t just shut up, could he? He couldn't control himself, could he? He was an emotional mess, that's what he was.
. . .
Suddenly, he felt a hand brush against his hair, grabbed the blanket and pushed it away, exposing his face into the gaze of the figure again.
Andrew couldn't help the embarrassed blush that appeared on his face, he wasnt...exactly…expecting his face to be exposed
“H-hey..what…what are you d-doing-?”
Despite the lack of clear facial features on the figure, he seemed to be…upset? What…what was happening?
. . .
“q-quit looking at me dumbass…”
Andrew tried to pull the blanket back on top of himself, but the other was holding it, making it so that he couldn't pull on it enough.
He was clearly embarrassed by the fact he was fighting to tug a blanket with some shadow man and losing, even if he tried to act like he didn't care, he was not 'not caring’
He was a stubborn guy, he kept trying to pull the blanket to no avail, he just couldn't give up
Hey…didnt...chris say he liked that about him once-?
No…no no no, this isn't the time to think about Chris…for the 3rd time tonight
. . .
This goes on for…way…too long…minutes and minutes of back and forth tugging, why was this going on for so long? One of them should have just given up at this point, well…it wasn't gonna be Andrew that gave up that was clear from the start, but why not the shadow? Does that guy really wanna see his face so bad? Or is it just fun for him to watch Andrew pull back the blanket?? … maybe that was it actually
After a while, somehow, Andrew was the one to give in. He let go of the blanket and laid back, exhausted.
Who even was this guy?? Why was he so determined to look at his face??
. . .
The man got on his knees beside the bed, his hand resting on the edge of the matress…and his face now closer to andrew
Andrew turned back his head from looking at the ceiling to look back at the shadow, he was startled by the sudden closeness
“shit! Hey! What the hell!?? Dont scare me like that you…th-thing-!”
. . .
“What even are you?? Are you even real?? God im…probably just tripping…just seeing shit…”
. . .
“Always happens when im…fucking…when im…think about chris…thinking about chris to hard…h-hell you probably dont know who chris is…”
. . .
“...Chris…he…”
“He was...a good friend…too good…to good for someone like me”
. . .
“He’s dead, you know? A-and funny thing is it's all my fault! I just couldn't see past my own feet and see that very clearly he wasn't doing alright! A-and now hes…hes dead! Haha…he's dead! Dead I tell you!”
. . .
. . .
The shadow was looking at him seemingly more strongly now.
“...what…?”
He…wouldn't look away now, wouldn't bat his eyes in any direction -if he had any- he stood still.
“...what's up with you? Stop…looking at me-”
. . .
“Uh…wh-”
Suddenly, the shadow man grabbed Andrew's wrist, holding it in between his dark fingers
“Wh-what the-!?”
Andrew tensed up slightly in surprise, not expecting the sudden contact at all. Why was he doing this? Why was he holding his wrist!? Wh…
The shadow reached out with his other hand and began to caress the down side of his wrist with his thumbs
“Y-you…”
…Andrew's body became less tense, almost melting into the soft touch…what was wrong with him? Didn't we establish that this isn't real? He's just…just seeing shit! He shouldn't be enjoying this!
. . .
“You…you can…k-keep doing that…if you w-want…”
His eyes were slowly closing, he felt...calm…the touch combined with the nice smell of moist plants was relaxing him like he hadn't relaxed in ages…it…it almost reminded him of how Chris used to make him feel…
He was reaching a state where he was close to falling asleep, his exhaustion taking more effect on his body now that it was relaxed.
. . .
The shadow began to slowly crawl onto the bed, now laying beside Andrew. He pulled the blanket over himself and the other.
Andrew was now far too sleepy to really pick up on the fact that he was laying next to him now.
Despite the fact that he would have never done this if he was more conscious, he began to curl up and into the other, seeking that calm that he brought. Despite the tough persona, Andrew could be awfully…clingy.
. . .
“Dont…dont you…fuckin’ move…not…not yet…”
The figure laid still, letting the other get comfortable in his embrace.
. . .
“...im sure…your friend chris would forgive you”
“H-huh…? Chris…?”
. . .
“Ya'...kinda remind me of him…”
“I do…?”
Andrew simply nodded.
He got closer, burying his face into the man's neck, seeking out the warmth and pleasant smell
. . .
“...dont…blame yourself…that much…im sure…sure chris wouldn't want that…”
“Huh…?”
“Y-yea…I mean…I…if I had a close friend I worried about I…wouldn't want him…saying that about himself…putting himself down like that…a-and if I…remind you of your old friend then…that must mean he…thinks the same…”
. . .
“...of…of course he wouldn't…hes…hes chris…thats a…chris thing to do…worry about his frie-…me…worry about me…”
“Wouldn't you…want to…not worry him?”
. . .
“You'd think so, huh?”
. . .
“Too bad…there's...always something wrong with me…something to worry about…”
…this wasn't getting any better, was it?
“N-no that's…not what I meant…he…wouldn't want to…see you…so upset…about what you did”
. . .
“...that's…not a good thing…”
“H…how-?”
“...because…I'm the reason he's dead…he should…be glad I'm beating myself up over it…”
“I…dont know how he doesn't hate me”
…shit…shit he's getting worse…not good…not good…
“maybe he just…uh…”
. . .
“...he must…really love you then…”
“...I…I k-know…”
“And…i-if he does he…must have a good reason for still doing so…”
. . .
“...D-do…do you love him back?”
. . .
“...obiously…It…looks like I fucking…hate him sometimes
but…hes…great…best…person i've ever met…”
“W-well thats…good…g-good to know-”
. . .
Before any of them knew it, Andrew had fallen asleep, breathing a bit unevenly, but he seemed to be sleeping with some level of quality, at least.
. . .
“...s-so…you…love me, h-huh-?”
. . .
“W-well…I…”
. . .
“I…”
Andrew snuggled closer into Chris, the cold of his body sending a slightly shiver up Chris's body.
“y-your cold…”
. . .
Chris grabbed a blanket that was on the back bedframe and wrapped it around andrew
“Is…is that b-better?”
…andrew just snuggled even closer…probably a yes-
. . .
“I…i’ve…”
“I've…loved you for a while…not just…normally…you're just…”
. . .
“...youre the best person I've ever met…and…the prettiest…”
“A-and the most…most handsome…and…”
His face was red
“...I…I love you…so m-much…”
Chris pulled Andrew closer, holding him with a tighter grip, but still gently
“andrew…andrew…promise…promise me you'll…be nice to yourself…take care of yourself…I dont…want to see you wither away…”
. . .
“I'll…i'll help…whenever I can…if that makes you feel better…im here for you”
. . .
Chris kissed the top of Andrew's head, holding his cheek in his ghostly hand
“...sleep well Andrew, sleep well…”