Work Text:
Remus stared up at the dark ceiling. The sun had yet to rise and push light through the gaps in the curtains. He should sleep. Merlin, he was exhausted. But he couldn't will his eyes to close. Every time he mustered up the strength all he saw was blood and Severus's face, eyes wide with fear. Remus wasn't sure if the image was real or a nightmare his mind created from the guilt that plagued him. He usually didn't remember anything from when he was a wolf. Though, it would be his luck that this time he would.
So, he laid there, listening to his dorm mates breathing. He felt pained to just lay in the same room as them. As him. Remus thought he loved him and he loved Remus as well. But what he did could never come from someone who loved. Only someone who used love. Sirius did not love Remus. Not truly at least. Remus hated that he still loved Sirus. He loved him as much as he hates him. Betrayal was not enough to quench desire.
Being in the same room as Sirius, under the same ceiling, surrounded by the same four walls, made him want to tear at his own arms. Scratch them until they were red and raw, staining his white sheets dark red. He dug his nails into his arms, basking in the pain he felt. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. He could do more. No one would notice. How could they? Not when his arms were already covered in scars, what would be a few new ones?
He reached blindly for his wand, grasping the cold wood. He knew spells, so many that could work. He used them. Making small flicks of his wand as he mumbled the spells. He felt the pain run through his body, a reminder that he could feel. But pain was all that felt. He didn't know what else there was to feel. His arms were wet and sticky as blood coated them. The metallic smell made his stomach threaten to empty, and he shoved his fist into his mouth, biting down hard to distract himself from the feeling of stomach acid creeping its way up his throat. Blood filled his mouth as teeth broke skin and he had to stifle a groan.
Just then he started to hear a ringing. He used a spell to cover the smell of blood as James silenced the alarm. He heard the other boy cross the room to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind him. Remus let out a small sigh then looked down at his arms. His forearms were covered in cuts and blood dripped down to his wrist. They stopped bleeding now, the blood starting to dry and crust along the cuts. He waited for James to leave the dorm for quidditch practice. Once he did, Remus grabbed his uniform form his trunk and locked himself in the bathroom. He avoided looking in the mirror as he cleaned his arms, wrapping bandages around them. He didn't want to see his reflection. He knew he looked pale, making his dark undereye and pink scars stand out even more. He hadn't looked at himself since it happened. He could not bear to see the monster everyone else saw.
He changed quickly, covering the bandages with his sleeves, hiding the proof of what he did. After he finished, he practically ran out of the dorm, slinging his bag over his shoulder and slamming the door, uncaring if it woke Sirius or Peter.
The sun was rising now, casting a warm orange glow over the empty common room. He stood there for a moment, watching the sun start to peak out from over the forest. He basked in the warm light but still felt cold. A chill in his bones that refused to leave.
The halls were just as empty as the common room as he walked through them. He didn't have a destination, but he came to a stop in front of the library. He considered the thought of getting some reading done. He decided he might as well. There wasn't much else to do. He finds a seat farthest from the entrance, hidden amongst the towering shelves. He curled up in it, pulling a book out of his bag. He didn't know how long he sat there for until his attention was pulled from his book as someone cleared their throat. Remus looked up to find Regulus Blakc scowling down at him.
"You're in my seat." Regulus sneered.
"You've got to be joking." Remus replied dead panned. A whole ass fucking library and Regulus was talking about some fucking 'my seat.' Remus was too tired for this shit.
"I sit in that exact chair every single day." Remus let out a scoff, anger boiling beneath his skin. "Do you want a medal?" If looks could kill Remus would've been dead a hundred times over.
"Move."
"No."
"Fine."
Regulus walked over and sat in the seat next to him. Their chairs were close, causing their arms to bump together. Remus raised an eyebrow at Regulus. The other boy only rolled his eyes, pulling out his own book and setting it on his lap.
They stayed like that for a while, sitting in silence, before Regulus close his book. Remus glanced over at him to see the conflicted look on his face. He wasn't looking at Remus, instead at Remus's hand, the same one he had bit till blood was drawn. The puncture holes were now scabbed over, and Remus pulled his sleeve over it, glaring at Regulus. "You good?"
Regulus bit his cheek and started to fiddle with his fingers. "Are you... a werewolf?" Remus felt himself pale and Regulus quickly went to continue, voice uncharacteristically high. "It's just that I noticed you get sick a lot, every month actually, every full moon. And then Snape said something and you also-"
"Regulus." Remus cut him off. His voice sounded odd to his own ears. It sounded hallow, devoid of all emotion. "I am a werewolf." It didn't matter anyways, if Regulus knew. If regulus knew, if Snape knew, if the whole fucking castle knew. Regulus didn't react only starring at Remus and Rmeu stared right back willing him to speak. And finally, he did.
"Ok."
"Ok?"
"Ok."
That was, well surprising. Remus had expected him to sneer and call him a dirty half breed or run out of the library screaming about a dangerous monster in a Gryffindor uniform. But acceptance? That was odd.
Regulus opened his mouth to speak and Remus tensed, waiting for the other shoe to drop. "What did my brother do?"
Remuss mind went blank. "Huh?"
"My brother did something. You started avoiding him around the same time Snape started talking about you being a... you know." Remus let out a breath. Breaking eye contact to look at the towering shelves.
"He-he told snape how to get to me. On the full moon. Snape went and saw me. James got him out before I could..." He trailed off. "Oh" was all Regulus said and Remus looked back at him then, He wore an expression of curiosity and reluctance. He wanted to know more but was scared. Scared of rejection.
"You can ask. It doesn't matter to me." To me anymore, went unsaid.
"Why did he tell Snape?" Reguluss eyes were wide. The color similar to Sirius's, Remus noticed. But different. Reguluss had more green in them.
"I don't know. Maybe he thought it'd be funny to see snape hurt. To see me hurt Snape." Really Remus had no idea what Siriuss true intention had been and he would not ask. Sirius never said in his half-assed apology that Remus was sure James had forced him to make.
"My brother," Regulus started but Remus interrupted him. "Please don't make excuses for him." His exhaustion came back in full force. He was so tired. Tired of listing to all of the excuses James and Peter made for their friend. He didn't think Snape would actuly go! He wanst thinking! And Remuss personal favorite, you know what his family is like! That one pissed him off so much that he had stormed out of the dorm.
"I'm not going to defend him. My brother is an idiot and there was no good reason he could have had that could excused what he has done."
"You're confusing." Remus responded without thinking.
"What?"
"You hate me! Or at least you act like it." Regulus smirked at that. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Remus laughed and Regulus looked offended.
"What? I read that in a book, I thought it sounded cool." Remus didn't respond only couniting to laugh. Once Remuss laughter had subsided, Regulus stood up.
"Come on?"
"What?"
"Let's go for breakfast, I'm hungry."
"I hungry, I'm Remus." Regulus scowled at that. "That was worse than mine." Remus grinned up at him.
"Come on Lupin." Remus stood and let regulus lead him out of the library and through the halls. It wasn't empty like before and other students shot them weird glances as they walked side by side. Reguluss hatred for anything for his brother wasn't a secret amongst the castle and to see him willingly walk with a friend of Siriuss was reason for gossip.
They walked in silence till they made it to the great hall. Form the entrance Remus could see his 'friends' sitting together. As if he felt Remuss eyes on him, Sirius turned, eyes widening slightly in seeing who Remus was with. Ignoring Siriuss gaze, he followed regulus to the Slytherin table, taking a seat next to his new friend.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Severus look at him with a mix of bewilderment and disgust. Remus tried to ignore everyone's eyes on him as he and regulus loaded their plates. Their eyes burning into his skin, make the healing cuts on his arms tingle. Anxiety rose in his gut as he imagined what they were thinking. What they saw as they stared at him. Did they see a boy or a monster?
Regulus seemed to notice Remuss unease because he quickly went to distract him. "Have you ever thought about playing quidditch. Lupin?"
Remus let out a small chuckle. "Me? Quidditch? You must have never seen me on a broom."
"I'm sure you can't be that bad."
"Youd be surprised."
They went on like that, just talking about nothing to distract from the other student's gazes. After a while people lost interest, turning back to their own conversations. Still, Remus could feel Siriuss eyes on him and yet it didn't matter. Sirius was not his friend. Not anymore. Regulus was.