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It started on a quiet morning in december, with white snow falling softly on the world and the last smells of christmas dinner fading in the wind with the laughter of children. It was a beautiful thing to revel in the warmth of a home with a hot tea and a warm blanket, sourrounded by people that love each other. It was almost impossible to be sad, and yet I was. Well, not really sad, but also not exactly happy either. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at all, or to talk, or to look like an enjoyable person in general. It felt unfair to those arround me, having to deal with me like this. But I thought I had a reason to be sad, all separated from my family and ill with the flu. It would surely pass.
Practice always felt like the worst thing of the day, even though I was given a huge privilege to even be on the team. I was the only newbie in a world class dance team, and I really only got in because I would only be there for a year. The people were nice, and I’ve grown to love most of them a lot. But I felt so ugly and like an imposter the entire season, and I often failed the pretended happiness I put on like makeup every day. But I would get better, and it would surely pass.
The arena felt too big, and there were too many people watching. Well, sure, it is a world class team and we’re trying to get into finals, but having that mask on to perform too was even more exhausting than the dance itself. But I had my team, we supported each other, and it would surely pass.
I stood at the airport security exit two months later, and everything was too much. I was alone again, on the way back to the life I so desperately tried to escape for a year. I already missed my friends and family, even though I just said goodbye 15 minutes earlier. But thousands of students survived this before me, so it would surely pass.
My friends changed, or maybe I did, I’m not enirely sure. I feel trapped around them, and I can’t tell them anything about my feelings, or rather the lack thereof. I needed to find new connections for the next school year, and then it would surely pass.
The alcohol burned my throat and churned my stomach, but I still drank the rest out of the almost empty vodka bottle. Maybe I would feel something. The music was loud and the people were drunk, and I felt at ease. I didn’t need to pretend, and I could just exist without pressure for a while. I was dizzy and started to get wobbly on my feet, but it would surely pass.
Tears ran down my face, taking a good part of my mascara with them in the process. I did feel something now, I guess, but that is probably because of the copious amounts of alcohol and nikotine I’ve had all night. I felt like a shadow of myself, sunken in the dark, and I would surely not be standing anymore if it wasn’t for the wall on my back and a considerably older student 3 fingers up my vagina. I didn’t even know how I got there in the first place, and now I was unable to speak and to breathe, due to the muscular hand wrapped tightly around my neck. I quietly accepted my fate as I felt my knees hit the ground and a hand in my hair. I got myself into this, probably, so now I have to face the consequences. As I choked on his dick I thought I would die before that nightmare was over, but my last sense of self promised me that it would surely pass.
I ruined the second pair of pants this week, but I can’t stop the habit anymore. If I can’t feel emotions I can still feel pain, and pain I gave myself. I know that my future would be through if my parents found out, but for now it will have to do. Like everything else, it would surely pass.
Waves danced around my feet as I made my way into the lake. I was barefood and wore jeans and a sweatshirt, even though it was august. I didn’t want to freeze, and the water was deep where I was going. I took an overdose of opium based pain meds this morning, and I sneaked away from the party while nobody was looking. I wish someone had cared enough to ask where I was going, but I also found comfort in the solitude. I knew that life wouldn’t make sense for me from here on, with too many scars on and in my body, and I lost the will to try. As the tips of my long hair started to submerge in the water I felt a sense of relief, and when my back hit the ground and I saw the moon shine through meters of water, I hoped that I would surely pass.