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Nezumi woke up feeling the distant memory of a kiss on his lips, reaching out for someone that wasn’t there. He sat up, sighing and running a hand through his hair. It was a bit tangled which he found annoying but merely detangled his hair with his fingers carefully. At least the pain of pulling his hair returned him to reality and away from that. . . from that dream.
“. . .Is that a goodbye kiss?”
White hair that he can sometimes still feel like a phantom touch. Red eyes, unnatural in its hue, that stared at him with desperation and sadness at their parting. The snake-like scar that was a reminder of how close to death he had been. . .
Shion.
The sun wasn’t even rising yet. It was too damn early in the morning for this. Too damn early or too damn late. Who knows what time it was?
Either way, feeling this way was not what he wanted to feel just after waking up.
Nezumi laid his head down on top of his jacket, his makeshift pillow, and looked up at the stars. Thanks to being away from the glittering lights of the city, he could see them so clearly. There was no moon in the night sky. It made everything feel so much lonelier in that night sky. He outstretched a hand to the sky, wondering if Shion could see these stars too back in No. 6.
Are you looking at this same night sky?
What kind of musing is that? He wondered to himself, letting his arm fall back and turning to the side to avoid looking at the stars more than he had to. Shion wasn’t looking at these stars, how absurd. He was in a comfortable bed, fast asleep and living a better life now that the oppressive government of No. 6 was gone. He was with his mother again and living in comfort and-
And living peacefully because you’re not there to ruin his happiness.
Stupid thoughts.
Nezumi found it hard to fall back asleep after that, haunted by the memory of their kiss and of the moonless night sky.
Shion opened the curtains of his window and was greeted by the warmth of the morning sun. It was so nice outside and the view from his window was amazing. He smiled, opening the window to feel that wonderful breeze move through his hair.
Today marked the fourth year since the fall of No. 6 and its oppressive government. Today was a day of celebration for everyone as they greeted each other warmly. From a distance, Shion could see children running around excitedly past beautiful flowers and trees, parents carefully watching over them. It was a lovely day, as it often was on the anniversary of No. 6’s fall.
However. . . however, today also marked the fourth year since Nezumi left. . . and he missed him so much.
The pain didn’t hurt him as much as it had those few months where he’d cry about losing Safu and not having Nezumi next to him. Had he been okay with Nezumi’s decision to leave? Of course he had been. Nezumi had left and he had been okay with that.
No one needed to know how much he cried once he was able to process everything, keeping himself grounded by the memory of that promise.
“Reunion will come.”
Reunion will come, Shion had whispered to his ailing heart to avoid falling further into grief and despair. Nezumi had come back to him already. He could do that again. He’d promised to come back.
That didn’t stop Shion from using the anniversary of No. 6’s fall to mourn the death of his best friend and the loss of the boy he loved.
He hadn’t heard from the wandering Nezumi during all these years. Not even Inukashi or Rikigia with all their contacts had heard anything from their numerous new contacts. Nonetheless, he had never stopped hoping and waiting. His waiting just didn’t look like the waiting romance novels had female leads go through while waiting for their beloved to come home.
Life didn’t stop just because it felt like something integral was missing.
No matter how tempted he was sometimes to stop his life for just a little moment, he couldn’t. There were too many people that would miss him if he just retreated into himself for a long while.
“Good morning, Nezumi, wherever you are.”
The wind moved his hair around, dancing around him like an old friend. Shion closed his eyes and he thought he felt someone placing a gentle hand on his cheek. He leaned his cheek to them, saying a gentle hello to his old friend before Safu’s presence vanished. He opened his eyes to see that the sun began to be covered by the cloud, obscuring the bright sunlight of the morning.
Shion sighed, deciding that he might as well start the long day ahead.
Nezumi stared at the outline of No. 6 from his perch. On a whim less than a month ago, he’d decided to return to this old place that had so many unpleasant and pleasant memories.
Memories of death, blood and bullets mixed with memories of gentle kisses, a sweet waltz, and the warmth of someone kind and alive. Yes, No. 6 was the source of so much of his pain, but it was also the place where Shion lived and, somehow, the memories of Shion were slowly becoming stronger than the memories of his pain.
“‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ huh?”
He wondered what he was going to see when he went there to look for Shion. What would Shion look like? It had been about four years since they’d seen each other. There had been a significant difference when Shion had been twelve to when he was sixteen. How different would the twenty-year-old Shion of the present look compared to the sixteen-year-old Shion from his memories?
How would Shion react to seeing him again? Would he jump into his arms and cry? Would he laugh and kiss him? Or. . . or would he scream at him and tell him to leave?
That was a fear he had of their reunion. What if absence had made Shion resent him? What if their separation and the years after had made Shion hate the memory of him? Of Nezumi, the one who had ruined his perfect life because he forgot to shut the windows behind him?
Would Shion shut the window this time and would he have to keep walking, searching for shelter from a storm?
The wind whirled all around him, whipping his hair around, as if trying to spurn him into a decision. He dug his nails into his palm to try to get rid of that fear that was paralyzing him.
He could do this. He’d see Shion. If Shion was happy without him, he’d leave to not disturb his joy. If Shion looked lonely or sad, he’d stay. But if Shion didn’t react well to seeing him, well, he’d just leave.
Did that make him a coward? Yes. But that didn’t matter.
Whatever the case, he was going to see Shion and rid himself of the memories that haunted his dreams.
Shion finished the call with his mom, entering a room in his house that had been designated as a library. He let out a long breath, plopping down on the couch he had there. This was his favorite place to go to when it was the day that it was. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine that he was elsewhere.
He could imagine that small but cozy home he and Nezumi lived in for so long. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine he was resting while waiting for Nezumi to come back from shopping. That he’d be back soon and then the two of them could sleep in the warm bed or talk to each other about anything or reading to each other. . .
Well, doing anything with Nezumi was fun and he missed those simple days.
Shortly after he’d gotten this home, he’d brought everything from Nezumi’s home here. All the books, the various things Nezumi had accumulated. Some stuff was thrown away because it was unsalvageable and Rikigia refused to let that into a nice home like his.
This library was like a shrine dedicated to Nezumi’s memory. It reminded him of that amazing boy with the most beautiful eyes and most wonderful voice. He liked to spend time here, remembering all the good times he spent with Nezumi.
All the bad memories and time seemed to be erased every time he stayed here. Time froze in this place. The memories of dead bodies piling up, the memories of his near death experience and Nezumi saving him by cutting out the bug from his neck, the memories of the man that he had killed for daring to hurt Nezumi, the pain of the bullet, the loss of Safu. . . all of those memories were nothing compared to the memories of goodnight and goodbye kisses, of Nezumi’s acting in the theater, of their dance, of how warm Nezumi was, of Nezumi’s singing, Nezumi being so kind and gentle but also gruff and cynical.
Shion wiped away the traitorous tears that wanted to fall down his cheeks. He shouldn’t be mourning those memories as if Nezumi was dead. Unlike Safu, Nezumi was alive, traveling the world.
Nezumi was like the wind, traveling all around with nothing anchoring him down to one place. Shion hoped that he would be his anchor but who knows if Nezumi would ever be willing to admit that or if he would like to be anchored to a place that had hurt him so much.
Why was he being so nostalgic and emotional right now?
Shion opened a book that had one of his old bookmarks on it already. He smiled, looking at the familiar words. It had become one of his favorites of Shakespeare’s, often one he would return to whenever he was feeling nostalgic.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer’s lease hath all too short a date-.”
The bracelet in his arm beeped and Shion turned to see an incoming call on the screen. Ah, Inukashi was calling.
With a smile, Shion stopped reading and answered the call.
It took him all day to find Shion’s home and it was an almost isolated but simple, beautiful house that was a thousand times better than Nezumi’s old place. At least Shion was doing well and not living in the streets like a street rat. Shion didn’t have the heart to survive those conditions. He was too kind, only ruthless when his loved ones had been hurt. Even then, his kind heart remained.
Nezumi stared at the open living room window, wondering why Shion was always so forgetful and forgot to close windows. Just as he was about to snark, he saw Shion for the first time in four years and all other thoughts vanished.
The years had definitely aged Shion well. He was taller, maybe taller than he was. His physique was still one where he was very lean and thin and with hardly any muscle. His white hair had grown to shoulder length and was tied back by a black ribbon. His eyes, the scarlet-red eyes that seemed as bright as precious rubies, were glued to a book in his hands. He looked like he jumped out of the pages of a novel, a main lead of a romance novel that had been stuck into their bleak world.
Shion was so handsome, and it was making his heart race. Shion was popular before, when he was sixteen, but now he must have double the suitors that wanted to woo him. Nezumi could not blame the suitors that would want Shion’s attention because he certainly wanted it.
Shion was talking to someone, a silver bracelet on his wrist that displayed someone on the screen. Was it his mother? Inukashi? It had to be someone precious and close to Shion because he was smiling so brightly, in a way that made Nezumi’s heart race.
Or. . . or what if he was talking to a significant other?
Nezumi couldn’t blame him if he did have a partner. Who could realistically wait for someone for four years? He ignored the voice in his head that muttered that he had waited because what if it was nothing? But what if he wasn’t wrong and Shion had moved on?
If Shion moved on, would it be fair if he came back to his life?
What had he done for Shion? He’d turned his entire life upside down. For harboring him eight years ago, Shion and his mother had gone from living a luxurious life for the elite to becoming commoners with less opportunities. Shion had died for him and Safu had died too. Shion had lived in poverty and suffered so much because of him, of saving his life eight years ago.
Maybe Shion didn’t really need him to come back.
Dare he break his promise?
Nezumi’s traitorous arm reached out to Shion whose back was turned. He didn’t want to ruin Shion anymore than he had. Shion looked so happy and relaxed and returning to his life would end his peace. He’d rather not do that Shion.
Was it selfish that he wasn’t giving Shion the chance to say whether or not he wanted to stay?
Yes, but Nezumi was scared of Shion’s choice either way.
“Goodbye, Shion.”
Shion turned, ending the call with Inukashi who was spending the day with little Shion and the dogs, just as he saw a figure turn to walk away. He saw that familiar scarf and that long slate hair, and his heart stopped beating. The book he’d been carrying fell from his hands as he ran outside.
Can it be? It had to be! It had to be.
“Nezumi?” He asked, opening the door, and seeing no one around.
No, no, no, he wasn’t dreaming, he was awake. He wasn’t suffering a breakdown, he’d seen Nezumi! He looked around, panicked. What if his grief and loss had manifested the haunting figure? Was his own mind mocking his pain, painfully dangling a joy he was afraid he’d never have?
Shion was about to start crying when he saw the figure walking by the trees that grew at the outskirts of his property. He rushed, feeling his heartbeat race. He launched himself at the figure, making them give out a small cry of pain and surprise as they both feel down.
“Nezumi!” Shion cried out.
“Shion?!” The figure, Nezumi, cried out, turning to look at him in shock.
He was here. . . he really was here! Nezumi, it really was Nezumi! Shion squeezed Nezumi tightly and yes, it wasn’t an illusion. He could hear Nezumi asking for breath, to lessen his death grip, but he was just so happy because this was real, Nezumi was here!
The pale moonlight illuminated the young man before him. Nezumi looked older with his long hair reaching mid back that was down instead of up on a ponytail. He looked more mature, there was a small gash on his left cheek, and he’d gained a bit of muscle. His eyes, his eyes had remained the same. The same eyes that Shion fondly remembered, the eyes he thought he’d only be able to see in his dreams.
“It is you, Nezumi!”
“Shion, I can’t breathe!”
Shion finally let go of Nezumi and helped him sit up. Nezumi barely looked like he had regained his breath when Shion held him tightly in his arm again. Nezumi hugged him back just as tightly. This was real. This was not a dream.
“Nezumi. . . Nezumi, I’ve missed you. Where were you going?”
“I was going to leave-.”
“Leave? Why?”
Nezumi looked away looking guilty. Shion’s eyes widened because Nezumi had been about to break their promise to reunite. Shion punched Nezumi’s shoulder and Nezumi hissed in pain, rubbing it.
“You promised!”
“I did, I know-.”
“Then why were you going to break it?” Shion asked and his cheeks felt wet for some reason, “You came back, and you were just going to leave? You’d leave without-without saying anything to me? You would’ve seen me and just left, and you’d have been happy keeping me thinking this would be the fourth year without you? What the hell is your problem?!”
“I. . . Shion, I thought that. . . you were happy just now and now you’re not and I caused this-.”
“Damn right you made me upset!” Shion yelled, startling Nezumi, “You were breaking your promise! You promised we’d reunite, and you-you were leaving instead, and you weren’t going to come back, were you? You damn liar!”
Shion’s voice cracked and the dam that had been held back for four years burst. He started crying despite himself. He thought he’d be able to greet Nezumi back with a smile if he’d ever come back. Instead, here he was, crying uncontrollably.
“I’ve waited for you for four years! I-I’ve been here, living da-day by day, wondering when you’ll-when you’ll come back! How could you try to leave without at least letting me see you? You selfish bastard! You’re so cruel!”
“Shion. . .”
Shion hiccupped, looking up and seeing that Nezumi was crying too. He didn’t dwell on it too much as Nezumi kissed his forehead so gently that Shion was sure he was dreaming.
“I’m sorry,” Nezumi whispered against Shion’s temple.
“Nezumi-.”
“I thought that. . . I thought that you would be happier without me. Every-every time your life is going okay. . . I- well I fucking ruin it. You’re happy right now, I don’t. . . I don’t want you to be miserable.”
“But you don’t make me miserable.”
“I ruined your life-.”
“No, no you didn’t. Do you not realize how happy I’ve been thanks to you?” Shion whispered, trying to quell his sobs but being unable to.
“But what about-?”
“Nezumi, you’ve never ruined my life. I love you and I missed you.”
“I’m sorry, Shion. . .”
The two held each other with Shion pressing his head against Nezumi’s chest. Nezumi’s heart was racing. He couldn’t hear Nezumi, but he was crying too. Shion cried, Nezumi cried, the two of them forgetting the world around them as they held each other and cried together.
Shion wasn’t sure how long they stayed in that position or how long they cried. They just cried until the tears would not come out anymore. Shion just remembered Nezumi kissing his forehead again one moment and, the next, the two of them woke up at dawn, their limbs tangled and pressed so tightly against each other.
“When did we fall asleep?”
“Your neighbors are going to gossip,” Nezumi replied instead with a slight smile, “Sleeping outside tangled in the arms of a man. What will they say?”
“That the man is a good for nothing,” Shion replied, “that made their reclusive but generally kind neighbor cry because he was an idiot.”
Nezumi stared at him with so much warmth and love and Shion’s heart soared. Nezumi was here and he still loved him, and they were together, and it was like the four years had never happened.
“I missed you too, Shion,” Nezumi admitted, moving his arm to cup Shion’s cheek, “I was scared you had moved on, you know?”
“Me? Never,” Shion replied, with a smile of his own, “I, unfortunately, have a type. I only like men that can sing, have long hair, that have the most beautiful eyes in the world, that can be an idiot and a sap-”
“Hey-”
“And who saved my life so many times.” Shion ended.
Nezumi let out a small laugh, “That is a high standard. Do I meet it? I don’t think I do, I’m not an idiot or a sap.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Shion, your claws are sharp,” Nezumi complimented, leaning closer to Shion, “When did you become so snappy?”
“Oh, shut it,” Shion laughed, “I just matured.”
“No doubt about it,” Nezumi replied, “You got hotter.”
Shion spluttered, “Wha-?”
“You heard me. Very attractive, my type for sure.” Nezumi said with a wink and Shion hated how much hearing that from Nezumi meant. He huffed, trying to cover his face but failing miserably.
“Aw, you’re still so shy!” Nezumi teased, “You don’t change too much, do you, Shion?”
“You don’t either, jerk,” Shion huffed.
Nezumi kissed his cheek, “Don’t be mad at me, you already made me cry.”
“You did too.”
Nezumi sighed, “I did. Sorry about that.”
“We both made each other cry. We’re even.”
Shion fixed his awkward position to look into Nezumi’s eyes while Nezumi stared into his. Shion smiled and he leaned forward just as Nezumi did. The kiss was the best “welcome home” either one was bound to get.
Nezumi stared up at the sky, watching the way the colors mixed as the sun rose. The moon no longer shined, and the stars were hard to see as the first rays of the sun became brighter and brighter. It was a beautiful sight with hues of pink, purple, orange, and other beautiful colors mixed in the night sky.
This time, Nezumi did not have to wonder if Shion was looking up at the same sky.
“Absence doth sharpen love, presence strengthens it”