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Getting in a relationship with Intak felt like taking a warm shower, except the water kept turning cold for a few seconds. Intak was attentive, everything Taeyang could ask for. He paid attention to Taeyang, made sure that Taeyang’s needs were fulfilled. Intak treated Taeyang like his very own sun, orbiting around Taeyang like it was always meant to be. In every aspect possible, Intak couldn’t have been a better boyfriend.
Except for the fact that Intak loved to show Taeyang off to the members. Taeyang wasn’t bothered by Intak showing off, rather flustered that Intak deemed Taeyang worth bragging about. Despite feeling fluttered, Taeyang also had to pretend. Pretend like the word ‘boyfriend’ didn’t feel like an ice bucket emptied over Taeyang. Pretending that it wasn’t hurting Taeyang, that Taeyang’s eyes weren’t stinging and holding back tears made Taeyang unable to listen to anything else. Pretend that Taeyang was normal and fine with being called a totally normal term.
But Taeyang wasn’t fine with it. Taeyang didn’t feel normal and every time Intak used the word Taeyang felt like breaking down in tears. Doing anything to get distracted, playing with sleeves, pinching, anything to get rid of the tears threatening to spill. The worst thing was that Intak didn’t know. Intak couldn’t know Taeyang was hurting, because Taeyang was afraid.
It felt like a switch suddenly flipped the more Taeyang thought about everything. How the short hair burdened Taeyang so much it caused an entire breakdown. How Taeyang enjoyed dressing up as princess Theo more than necessary. How Taeyang felt flustered and happy when called princess instead of prince. How girlgroup choreographies ultimately felt more fitting than their own. And most importantly, the joy Taeyang felt when a fan said unnie instead of oppa.
The realization scared Taeyang. There was the career, which didn’t ultimately accept Taeyang to just become a woman. The members, that would suffer under the consequences of Taeyang’s actions. Losing fans, losing opportunities, because Taeyang decided becoming a woman felt better than being a man. The amount of accommodation Taeyang would expect from the members. Despite everything, Taeyang felt selfish and like it was a secret that couldn’t be hidden much longer.
Taeyang doesn’t know why, but after practice, Taeyang seeked Shota out. Shota felt like the safest option to first tell, but Taeyang didn’t know why. It felt like Taeyang was in a daze, asking Shota to come to Taeyang’s studio. But Shota agreed and followed Taeyang into the studio, quietly sitting down when Taeyang closed the door. For some reason, Taeyang couldn’t stop the sudden burst of tears. Shota seemed surprised, then worried, but Taeyang waved him off while sitting down.
“Is Intak not treating you well? What’s wrong, Hyung? I noticed you seem different lately. Do you need help?”
A knot formed in Taeyang’s throat after hearing the word hyung. Shota wasn’t doing anything wrong, because he didn’t know, but Taeyang still had a hard time stomaching the word before grabbing a tissue, wiping the tears away. Shota’s eyebrows furrowed, worry slowly taking over his features as his eyes were trained on Taeyang.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you first. But I need to tell someone, you, that I’m not a man. I don’t want to be a man. Intak is so sweet and attentive, but every time he says boyfriend it feels like I’m being stabbed. I can’t listen because I’m so focused on not bursting into tears. I don’t feel okay like this, Shota. I feel so bad for ruining everything and being selfish, but I want to be a woman. It hurts, so much.”
“You’re not selfish, you’re strong. I’m sure the other members will think the same, noona. Should I keep calling you Taeyang? Or do you have a different name you’re thinking about?”
Taeyang’s eyes teared up again, but this time of happiness. Shota smiled gently as Taeyang sniffled, wiping the upcoming tears away again. She couldn’t help but fall into Shota’s arms, hugging him tightly and whispering a quiet thank you. Shota patted Taeyang’s back, Taeyang escaping the embrace after remembering the question Shota asked once again.
“I want to keep Taeyang. I think. I like the name, after all.”
Shota nodded, smiling at Taeyang widely. His smile was warm and for once, Taeyang didn’t feel like someone was trying to rip her heart out. She sat down next to Shota, who now took his phone out, while Taeyang simply tried to wipe the tears away. She didn’t pay attention to whatever Shota was doing next to her, simply taking in the feeling of being able to breathe freely again.
“I’ll ask my sister if she has any recommendations for clothes, if you want me to?”
“That’d be nice. Thank you, Shota.”
Taeyang smiled slightly as she turned to Shota, peeking at the phone screen shortly after. She watched as several links flooded the chat, smiling as Shota clicked on one. She leaned her head against Shota’s shoulder, inhaling deeply as he helped her look for new clothes. It was nice to just listen to Shota’s voice, quietly telling her what clothes he thinks she’d look good in. Taeyang’s heart felt lighter than ever before.
Shota got up after what felt like a few minutes, holding his hand out for Taeyang to take. He immediately pulled her up, smiling sweetly as he opened the door. They bid their goodbyes, Taeyang quickly rushing home as it was already late. She hadn’t eaten dinner yet, which her stomach clearly let her know about. When she opened the door, Jongseob and Jiung sat in the living room.
“Hyung! We left you some of the food in the kitchen, if you want to eat it.”
Taeyang looked at Jongseob and his cheerful smile before nodding, whispering a quick ‘thank you’. She bit her lip, blinking her tears away as she rushed to her own room. Jongseob couldn’t know, she knew that, but it didn’t hurt any less. She quickly threw herself onto the bed, inhaling shakily before breaking out into a quiet sob. She didn’t even feel like eating anymore.
જ⁀➴ ♡
Taeyang felt the way Jiung’s eyes had been glued to her ever since she stepped into the practice room. Shota actively talked to her, showed her some clothes he had ordered. Even then, Jiung’s eyes were fixed on her. It felt like he knew something that he shouldn’t, but Taeyang didn’t want to properly show that she noticed.
Every time Shota talked to her Jiung’s eyes squinted, as if he was solving a riddle. Taeyang pulled back the more she noticed Jiung’s eyes on her, sitting down in any corner of the practice room. When Intak sat down next to her, Taeyang smiled slightly. Even then, Jiung’s eyes were fixed on her. Intak pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, getting up again and offering a hand.
Taeyang’s eyes were fixed on Intak’s hand - blinking quickly to try and get rid of the tears that were welling up just now. She felt so mean for not telling Intak anything, but she was scared. Intak fell in love with a man. Not her. Taeyang wanted to be selfish, keep Intak a little longer. But she knew she’d have to tell Intak eventually and deal with the consequences. She took Intak’s hand, smiling when Intak pulled her up.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Taeyangie!”
Intak pressed a quick kiss to Taeyang’s lips, smiling as he grabbed his things and ran after Shota and Keeho, who were already halfway out of the door. Taeyang smiled slightly, waving at Intak and watching him retreat. Jongseob followed a few seconds later, while Taeyang quickly took her bag. Jiung came up to her, kneeling down next to her while his eyes were still fixed on Taeyang.
“Taeyang, what’s bothering you? I know you’re not behaving like usual. Shota isn’t either.”
Taeyang felt her face growing increasingly more pale - her eyes wide as she turned towards Jiung. His eyes were focused, his gaze stern but in no way threatening. As if he was trying to figure something out, quickly, before he had no chance to ask again. Despite Jiung not seeming like a threat, Taeyang couldn’t help but feel like something was stuck in her throat.
“Shota usually uses honorifics, but recently he stopped. You’ve been pulling back, mostly talking to Shota in the practice room. You look uneasy whenever someone uses male terms for you. You tear up when Intak calls you his boyfriend. What is it? What’s bothering you?”
Jiung’s gaze softened, while Taeyang’s hand started shaking. Her eyes flickered towards the door, then back to Jiung. He seemed like he was aware of what Taeyang felt like, but wouldn’t act on whatever he thought it was. Taeyang couldn’t help but collapse into Jiung’s arms, tears falling as ugly sobs escaped her quivering lips.
“You’re a girl, aren’t you?”
Taeyang nodded in between her sobs, shaking less as Jiung rubbed her back. Jiung didn’t seem to hate her, nor did he seem surprised. He was calm, so calm that even Taeyang could calm down. There was a comfortable silence between them, neither of them saying anything until Taeyang carefully peeled herself out of Jiung’s arms.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize. I’m dragging all of you down with me. I feel so selfish! Especially because I haven’t told Intak yet. I don’t even really want to, I’m so happy with him, I love him.. I don’t want to let him go just yet.”
“You’re not dragging anyone down with you, Taeyang. What kind of friends would we be if we didn’t support you? You’re not selfish at all. I want you to be happy and I’m sure the others agree. Intak probably doesn’t see a big issue with this either, Taeyang.”
Jiung’s smile was soft, ruffling through Taeyang’s hair for a second or two, before tucking a strand behind Taeyang’s ear. She couldn’t help but smile slightly looking at Jiung, quickly taking out a tissue from her bag to wipe the tears away and to blow her nose. She got up right after, grabbing her bag and throwing the tissue away.
“Do you want to start HRT in the future? I just saw that there’s a clinic not too far away.”
Taeyang looked back at Jiung, nodding slowly. Jiung smiled softly, getting up and grabbing his own things. He followed Taeyang out, ruffling her hair gently. It already grew a little longer, but to Taeyang it still looked boyish. Too boyish to look like a girl. It’s not even like Taeyang was particularly close to looking like one.
“You know what? I’m happy you’re finding yourself, Taeyangie noona. Your entire demeanor changed in just a few minutes, it’s like we’re finally getting you back.”
“Thank you..”
Jiung hummed in response, smiling slightly as a slight blush swept across Taeyang’s cheeks. Jiung kept his eyes fixed on her, taking in her entire face. Her eyes were still slightly red from crying so hard, so was the tip of her nose. The corner of her eyes crinkled slightly, a small smile playing on her lips. It almost felt like Taeyang was calmer, more at peace. More like herself and Jiung could tell just by looking at her, by knowing her identity.
The way to the dorm was quiet. It wasn’t awkward, it just felt like nothing needed to be said and Taeyang was glad about that. When Jiung pointed at a convenience store, Taeyang nodded quickly and followed him inside. They quietly chose some food, Taeyang choosing something for Jongseob as well. Jiung paid for all of it, which Taeyang didn’t expect.
Jiung took the bag before leaving the convenience store, Taeyang trailing closely behind. It didn’t take long before they reached their dorm, Jiung quickly putting the code in and opening the door. Both of them took their shoes off, while Jongseob peeked out of his room. His eyes focused on Taeyang, she could tell, even though he didn’t say anything to her. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he looked between both of them, smiling quickly after and thanking them after Jiung told him there’s food for him in the bag as well.
જ⁀➴ ♡
Taeyang wordlessly fell into her bed after the schedule concluded. Intak followed her quietly into the room, closing the door softly and sitting down on the bed next to her. Taeyang didn’t look up at all, burying her face in her pillow. Intak was quiet, slowly reaching out for Taeyang after a while and carefully patting her back.
She didn’t like the way she felt. They had a long day of schedules behind them, they were around a lot of people, especially people who didn’t know. Jiung and Shota were nice enough to spend some time with her, trying to comfort her at least a little, but to no avail. Everytime someone called her boy, or something else with a similar implication, she felt like a knife was stabbing her.
Intak carefully pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her head, which barely brought any comfort. Taeyang was grateful regardless, especially because Intak didn’t ask. Taeyang wouldn’t know what to say, wouldn’t know how to feel. It was hard to think of anything - any way to tell Intak about her identity. She was scared of losing Intak, disappointing him. Taeyang wanted to be selfish and keep Intak for herself.
Taeyang teared up at the thought of losing Intak because of her identity, sniffling as an attempt to get rid of the tears forming. Intak seemed to notice the shift, stilling momentarily. Taeyang only fought harder, thinking of losing this kind of comfort entirely, even though there was no way to prove that Intak would simply leave her.
“Come here, Taeyangie.”
Intak carefully pulled Taeyang on his lap and into his arms. He wrapped his arms around Taeyang’s body, kissing her cheek softly. Taeyang stilled, pouting slightly as she clung to Intak as if he was her lifeline. Intak was everything Taeyang had ever wished for, everything she ever wanted. She clung to Intak harder than before, sniffling before burying her face in Intak’s neck.
“What’s bothering my gorgeous boyfriend? I don’t like seeing you sad.”
Taeyang quickly stood up, removing Intak’s arms from her body as she did so. She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, sobbing as she looked at Intak. Intak seemed bewildered, his eyes darting around as Taeyang stood in front of him, eyebrows knitted together and tears falling from her eyes.
“I’m not a boy! I don’t want to be a man! I’m not a man, I don’t feel like one! It hurts so much..”
Intak flinched when Taeyang screamed at him, watching as Taeyang sank to the floor, her voice quieting down as her sobs grew louder and more desperate. He slowly got up, carefully sitting down in front of Taeyang and pulled her into his arms again. He ran his fingers through Taeyang’s hair, pressing a kiss to her temple before whispering into her ear.
“Okay, you’re not a boy or a man.”
Taeyang immediately clung to Intak, her sobs slowly quieting down. Intak simply sat there, letting Taeyang’s tears drown his shirt while he pressed gentle kisses on her head and carefully rubbed her back. Taeyang seemed to calm down, Intak immediately being able to tell how much weight was lifted off her shoulders, simply by saying she wasn’t a man.
“You don’t hate me? I yelled at you and said I’m not a man. Yet you’re still here and not breaking up with me?”
“Why would I do that? I understand why you yelled. It must’ve been uncomfortable, today being especially hurtful with all those people who don’t know. You just calmed down from all the disappointment and then I reminded you of something you don’t want to be reminded of ever again. And why would I break up? You’re the most wonderful partner I ever had. I don’t care what gender you have, as long as I have you. I love you for being you, for being Taeyang, or whatever name you end up having. I fell in love with you because of you, not because you were an attractive man. You’ll be attractive no matter what. I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend either, leaving you when you’re going through a hard time. I want to support you because you support me. I want you to be as happy as possible because I love you and I don’t like seeing you cry. You’re everything I want and need, Taeyang.”
Intak smiled as he cupped Taeyang’s face, carefully wiping her tears away. Taeyang’s eyes widened, looking at Intak in surprise. She knew that Intak wasn’t only into men, yet she thought he wouldn’t want her as anything but a man. Taeyang smiled slightly when Intak gently kissed her face, caressing her cheeks before brushing her hair out of her face.
“What can I call you instead of boyfriend then? Just partner?”
“I… am a woman, so girlfriend.”
Taeyang watched as Intak nodded, quietly whispering ‘my girlfriend’ to himself. Intak’s smile grew slowly, running his hands to Taeyang’s slowly growing hair. His eyes still captured the same warmth, showing her the same love as before. Taeyang couldn’t help but blush a little, smiling when Intak kissed her nose.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah, sure. I.. imagine it’s confusing for you too.”
Intak sheepishly scratched his neck, eyes landing on Taeyang before quickly moving away. He seemed cautious, slightly embarrassed even, yet Taeyang waited. Intak gulped once or twice, his eyes fixing on Taeyang once again as he opened his mouth, only to close it again. He seemed unsure of himself, in a way Taeyang hadn’t seen before.
“Your.. dick. Does it bother you? You never wanted to touch it. Is it because you’re a girl? I never thought much of it, I thought you enjoyed it that way, but now that you said you’re not a man, I was wondering if it was connected. If it’s too much, you don’t need to say anything… I just, you know, heard Trans people have issues with their genitals, sometimes?”
Taeyang was taken aback - her eyes widening as Intak asked the question. The question was unexpected, so out of the blue despite Intak clearly thinking about parts of it before she ever came out to him. She also wanted to answer immediately, but truth be told, Taeyang had never thought of it that way. She didn’t like it, it had always been the case. She was embarrassed of it and felt disconnected, she always blamed the embarrassing size she had, but Intak’s question seemed to be an answer she subconsciously already knew.
“I’m sorry if I’m rude… I just, thought a lot about how you reacted. So when you said you’re a woman, I kept thinking about the few things I know. People taking hormones, having surgeries to have aligning genitals. I don’t want to be rude, I’m just curious. I’m trying to be on the same page as you, understand you as much as possible, but I understand if it’s really uncomfortable and mean.”
“It’s fine, Intak. I don’t blame you, I’m happy you’re trying to be there for me. I’m just actually not sure. I never really liked it and I blamed the size, you know? But the way you put it makes more sense. I don’t like touching it, I don’t like it when you touch me there. I always space out when you clean me up, simply because I don’t like the feeling of you touching it, even by accident. I don’t even want to really acknowledge that there’s.. sperm. I never liked the bump in my underwear when I looked in the mirror and I don’t even want to look at it. I guess I never thought this far since I did everything in my power to pretend it never existed in the first place.”
Intak teared up at Taeyang’s answer, making her panic slightly. Intak cried easily, but it was usually an easy fix. Seeing Intak cry over her, especially over her feelings, was new and scary to her. She didn’t know how to comfort Intak, even though he clearly tried to wipe his tears right away. He seemed embarrassed, almost guilty for tearing up.
“I’m sorry. I’m just so sad that you had to deal with so many insecurities, noona. Even though I don’t really have the right to cry over this. I don’t really know much about how to make you feel better, but I’ll help you research. I can help you find clothes that make you feel pretty, help with hormones, make-up, anything you want. I just want you to be happy and do everything in my power to help you be happy.”
Taeyang watched as Intak sheepishly wiped his tears away, carefully reaching for Taeyang’s cheeks. She smiled slightly as Intak caressed her cheek, gently kissing her forehead shortly after. His eyes were focused on hers as he carefully touched her face, cupping his cheeks, brushing her hair away, gently kissing her temple. Intak was gentle, more gentle than she’d ever expected him to be, but it was just right.
“Can we go look for makeup? I want to try girly makeup…”
Intak nodded quickly, seeming almost too eager as he stood up. He quickly offered his hand to Taeyang, pulling her up before going to the hallway. Both of them got dressed, Intak watching Taeyang with a soft smile as she left the dorm. She felt as his eyes fixed on her, a subtle happiness radiating from Intak.
There was a comfortable silence between them as they walked, Intak quickly dragging Taeyang to the nearest makeup store he found. He held open the door for Taeyang, following her inside as she shyly looked around. She carefully looked through the makeup, quietly picking it up and putting it back down, while Intak was rushing through the store on his own.
Taeyang felt unusually shy, despite being used to makeup. She had to wear it for pretty much every schedule, yet she felt like she wasn’t allowed to take any of the makeup home. She didn’t look like a girl, she had no real clue about makeup and it felt like she didn’t belong in this store. She felt embarrassed, but even worse, she was terrified of people finding out who she was. People figuring out she had no clue.
Intak seemed almost unbothered, walking through the store with a giddy smile on his face. Taeyang looked around, quietly walking towards the door and leaving the store. She didn’t know why she couldn’t handle being there, but the weird feeling she had just wouldn’t disappear. She squatted down by the wall next to the door, burying her face in her knees as she tried her best to not start to sob like a little kid.
Taeyang didn’t know how much time passed before she heard footsteps approaching her, the rustle of a plastic bag accompanying each step. She didn’t want to look up, just hide away and pretend she didn’t exist. The person in front of her seemed unbothered, fingers suddenly combing through her hair. She squeezed her eyes shut, realizing that it couldn’t be anyone other than Intak, which made her immediately feel worse.
“Hey, princess. Are you alright? Did something happen?”
Intak’s voice was nothing but a whisper, but it somewhat felt comforting. Taeyang dared to look up at Intak, tears welling up in her eyes. Intak frowned slightly, cupping her cheek and carefully brushing his thumb over it. He acted as if she was fragile, breaking apart any second. Taeyang honestly felt like she was about to break apart soon.
“I felt like an alien. I was scared people would notice I’m.. not like them. That I don’t have a single clue. I felt like it was too obvious, that I was too much out of place. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“See, that’s why you have me, Taeyangie. I asked our makeup artist for your foundation and I looked up what products are recommended right now. I found some tutorials and I bought everything you need for them. You just need the bravery to try it out now.”
Taeyang couldn’t help but smile at Intak, quickly falling into his arms and hugging him tightly. Intak chuckled quietly in response, wrapping one arm around Taeyang and carefully patting her back. She pressed a quick, fleeting kiss to Intak’s cheek before she let go again. Intak got up, offering his hand to Taeyang before pulling her up.
“You’re the best boyfriend ever. Thank you, Intak.”
જ⁀➴ ♡
The kitchen was filled with a quiet sizzling noise, Jiung leaning against the counter as Taeyang cooked. She was focused, her hair tied into a loose ponytail and her brows furrowed. She was worried about messing the food up, considering she was not only cooking for her, but also for Jiung, Jongseob and Intak, whenever he’d eventually show up. Jiung occasionally glanced at the stovetop, making sure Taeyang wasn’t messing anything up.
Jongseob came into the kitchen, squeezing himself between Taeyang and Jiung to look at the food she was preparing. She glanced at Jongseob, who now smiled widely. Jongseob’s gaze swept towards Taeyang, his smile growing slightly as he gave her a silent thumbs up. He took the initiative of setting the table, making sure to include enough space for Intak at the small table.
“It looks and smells really good, noona.”
Taeyang felt like the world stopped spinning. She froze, turning slowly towards Jiung. Jiung seemed equally startled, his phone almost sliding out of his hand. They exchanged a few glances, both shaking their heads as if to say that neither of them told Jongseob. Both of them turned towards Jongseob simultaneously, eyes wide as Jongseob laughed.
“Do you guys think I’m stupid? I already wondered why Shota paused every time he spoke to or about Taeyang. Then Jiung hyung also started acting weird, and by the time Intak came home with makeup I knew what was going on. It wasn’t all too hard putting all of this together, considering we live under the same roof.”
“You’re not bothered by it?”
Despite this grand reveal of Jongseob’s understanding, all Taeyang could focus on was whether Jongseob accepted it. She knew it couldn’t be a no, he called her noona after all, but Taeyang still wanted to hear his answer. Jongseob shook his head and shrugged, simply finishing to set the table. Taeyang slowly turned back around, while Jiung’s shoulders visibly relaxed.
Taeyang was relieved as well, quietly putting the food on the table when Jongseob made enough space. The door opened a few seconds later, the rustling of bags accompanying a clearly hectic Intak trying to take his shoes off. After a few seconds of struggling, Intak came into the kitchen and set the bags down by the doorway, quickly walking up to Taeyang.
“How’s my beautiful girlfri- wait, does he know?”
Intak’s face went through several emotions as he finally settled on worry, looking at Taeyang like a puppy that just got kicked. Taeyang nodded, smiling softly as Intak’s face visibly relaxed. Intak quickly cupped Taeyang’s cheeks in his hands, kissing her nose softly. She giggled quietly, watching as everyone sat down before she sat down herself.
“You do know we are here too, right?”
“Can’t I even greet my girlfriend anymore? Do you have a problem with that?”
“No, I only have a problem with you.”
Taeyang’s gaze swept between Intak and Jongseob, watching them bicker over what felt like nothing. Jiung sighed loudly while putting food on his own plate, while Taeyang watched the brief staring battle between the two youngest. Intak quickly recovered, taking Taeyang’s plate and putting food on it quickly while furrowing his brows. Taeyang couldn’t help but sigh as she watched the two start some weird imaginary battle.
“By the way, Taeyangie, I got you a pair of heels. If you want to try them on, you could do that after we eat.”
Intak smiled at Taeyang, starting to eat shortly after. Taeyang blushed a little before she nodded, taking a bite as well. She couldn’t help but feel her heart skip a beat - Intak got shoes just for her? She hoped he had good taste and got nice ones, especially nice ones that fit. She tried to finish her food as fast as she could without seeming overly excited.
“You should style the shoes with clothes Shota gave you, and put some makeup on too!”
“I’ll style your hair then, noona!”
Taeyang nodded, smiling when Intak took her finished plate and nodded towards the bag. She immediately got up, quickly taking the bag before disappearing into her room. She carefully unpacked the heels Intak got her, admiring them quietly. Despite only being white kitten heels, they felt special to her. Especially because Intak got them for her. She quickly tried them on, squealing when they actually fit her, before taking them off again.
She looked through her closet, quickly fishing out a pair of flared jeans, a lace band and a pastel pink off shoulder shirt, the last two being clothing that Shota had gifted her. Taeyang immediately got changed, carefully applying makeup with the skills she had managed to gain so far, before shyly leaving her room, going straight to the living room.
Intak saw her first, his eyes lighting up as he got up from the couch, admiring Taeyang with a wide smile. Jiung and Jongseob smiled as well, which made Taeyang feel like she didn’t look too bad. Jongseob quickly got up, getting a brush and some hair ties from the bathroom. Taeyang giggled as Intak pressed a kiss to her cheek, sitting down on the couch right after.
“You’re gorgeous, Taeyangie.”
“Thank you!”
Taeyang smiled shyly, watching as Jongseob came back and sat down behind her to brush her hair. He was careful as he brushed her hair, gently braiding her hair and tying it up with a hair tie. Taeyang didn’t know where Jongseob got a flower from, but he ended up placing it in her hair, while Intak kept smiling at her. He quickly took his phone out, taking a few pictures of Taeyang as if she was the prettiest person in the world.
જ⁀➴ ♡
Keeho was in his studio when he heard a careful knock on the door. He opened the door quickly, looking at Taeyang whose hands were shaking, eyes overly tired. Keeho furrowed his eyebrows before letting Taeyang inside, slightly worried by how exhausted Taeyang looked. Taeyang quickly hurried inside, sitting down on the floor.
She felt her tears fall the second Keeho closed the door, looking at him. Keeho now seemed more worried, kneeling down in front of her as she quickly wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. Taeyang sniffled, focusing on the wall behind Keeho to not look into his eyes.
“Keeho… I, recently…”
Taeyang stopped for a few seconds, gulping as she looked to the side. It felt like a knot was in her throat and she wanted to run out of the door she just came through right again. Her belly hurt, probably because she felt nervous, while her palms sweated slightly. She inhaled deeply before looking back at Keeho.
“Keeho, these past months.. I’ve realized that I feel more comfortable as a woman. I told all of the others, and they’ve supported me greatly, which I’m really grateful for. I kept avoiding telling you because I dreaded it the most. I knew if I’d tell you, we need to start telling the company. I’ve thought for a really long time and I think it’s best for your careers if I leave. I feel selfish to pick myself first, but I can no longer bear the weight of being a man. I know Korea isn’t the best place to be a trans woman in. I know it’s difficult for your careers and I don’t want to harm any of your careers. I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble by not only dating Intak, but also by being a woman. I’m truly sorry Keeho. I’m sorry for putting you through so much.”
Taeyang felt her eyes sting - no longer able to hold them back. She cried again, now accompanied by loud sobs. She buried her head in her knees, covering her face, not wanting to see Keeho’s reaction at all. She wished she was normal, someone who didn’t have to put her members through something like this. She couldn’t stop the tug at her heart, longing to stay. She knew it was for the better.
Keeho opened his mouth, closing it again. He looked at her, the gaze feeling more like a burn to Taeyang, even though she couldn’t see it. The silence was deafening, scary. Taeyang wanted to do nothing more than to get up and run, but she knew she needed to wait for Keeho to say something. She had to wait because Keeho was the one who needed time to answer, it’d be the least she could do for him.
“Bullshit. Taeyang, it’s still Taeyang, right? If not, tell me your name. Either way, you’re talking nonsense. We’re not the same without you. P1Harmony isn’t complete without you. I’ll talk to the company. We’ll have you stay and we’ll have you live as a woman, I promise you. Alright?”
Keeho carefully went through her hair, brushing a little hair aside before Taeyang finally looked up at him. Keeho smiled gently, watching as Taeyang nodded slowly. He quickly got up, reaching for a tissue to give it to Taeyang. She quickly took it, wiping her tears away before looking at Keeho again.
“I’m still Taeyang. I’ll stay Taeyang, I don’t have any urge to change it.”
“Alright, Taeyang. You should go back home, calm down a little. I’ll talk to the company. You’ll stay, I promise.”
Taeyang nodded quickly, taking the hands Keeho held out for her. He pulled her up, offering Taeyang a wide smile, which Taeyang finally was able to return. She hugged Keeho, clinging to him like he was a lifeline Taeyang didn’t know she needed. Keeho wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back slightly.
“I’m proud of you for being so brave, Taeyang.”
Keeho let go of Taeyang, opening the studio door for her before she left. Taeyang anxiously made her way home after leaving Keeho, feeling terrible for leaving him to deal with something this difficult. As soon as she was back in the dorm, she couldn’t help but fall onto the couch, staring at the ceiling. Would Keeho be okay? Is it okay for her to leave him with this amount of trouble?
Taeyang kept staring at the ceiling, her eyes eventually falling shut as her mind overheated with questions, fears, insecurities. With thoughts she didn’t want to have because deep down she knew none of them were true, with guilt eating at her for making it so difficult for the people she loved the most.
When Taeyang opened her eyes again, Intak was sitting by her side and running his hands through her hair. She looked at him, offering a small but warm smile. Intak kissed her cheek carefully before getting up and going to the door. Taeyang quickly sat up, tensing up as Keeho walked into the living room.
“Your stage name will be changed to Taeyang. They’ll announce it to the fans and keep you in the group, Taeyangie. The stylists got informed as well. Everything is fine, Taeyang. You don’t have to leave. You have our support.”
Taeyang’s eyes welled up with tears once again, something she couldn’t hate this time. She got up, pulling Keeho in a hug as she sobbed loudly. Her chest felt light, she could feel the anxiety ease upon finding out that she was going to be alright. That she was accepted, supported and loved nonetheless.