Chapter Text
Cold.
It’s..raining.
And there’s an aching pain in my shoulder as if I’ve been..shot.
ah right.
What a stupid way to die on this retched stage but Atleast I was able to save him my paradise. I was able to leave a mark on him
I was able to make sure he’d remember me
Even if it was in this way. I probably shouldn’t have forced myself onto him.
thinking of it now I have many regrets.. I probably should’ve been kinder to her saying that she would be nothing but a trauma was..wrong of me.( looks like I am the hypocrite seeing the way it affected him )
And then there was him maybe if I had more time I would’ve been able to get my feelings across properly. but alas time is not a thing I can afford. Atleast I left a mark maybe he would remember me for a while or not? he never did look my way
But I’ll say this just in case
Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions
. . .
A four year old Ivan wakes up shaking tangled in his sheets. He’s been having these reaccruing nightmares of a stage
Teal eyes.
Three Shots echoing.
Falling to the floor.
He can’t explain these dreams not as in he doesn’t have the words. He does. he has the exact words to describe these dreams but he can’t
That’s right Ivan can’t speak no matter how hard he tries. Each time it feels like he might start coughing up blood .stopping him each time
He hates this. not being able to talk is the absolute worst. his only form of communication until he learns how to write is his older sister sua.
Everyone says the day he came home from the orphanage it’s like he and sua just clicked . he supposes that fact is true he’s able to have full conversations with his older sister with a few twitches of his eye or a glance her way it’s like she’s just able to read his mind and he is able to read hers.Sua has become his translator of sorts
Ivan’s been to about a million different psychiatrists in his small life span to see why he doesn’t act like the other kids? why couldn’t he make the proper facial expressions? Why couldn’t he talk?and they all said the same thing.
“Ivan” they said “was on the autism spectrum and the reason he couldn’t talk was that he had selective mutism which prevents him from speaking”
There was nothing wrong with his vocal cords as his parents initially thought.”this means that” the psychiatrist explained “Ivan will speak when he is ready to usually selective mutism is a trauma response so it could be a trauma response from when he was living on the streets.
His father, Unsha couldn’t accept he had autism and insisted there wasn’t anything wrong with his son and that’s why Ivan had been to so many psychiatrists and he never bothered to explain to his son what autism was so for a long long time Ivan was in the dark and had no idea what was wrong with him
. . .
It’s Ivan’s adoption day soon wich marks five years old! he’ll be going to school with sua in September well not in suas class but still the same school. His mom, nigeh kept asking him is he excited but really he didn’t feel much about it it’s just school after all?
Sua has explained some things about it like having a teacher and work. she’s worried his teacher won’t be able to communicate with him but he just tilted his head and as always sua knew exactly what he meant “yes I know Ivan the teacher will be able to teach you how to write! But you won’t learn straight away!”
Oh. Ivan was under impression he would learn reading and writing and maths straight away if they weren’t doing that what would they be doing all day? “you’ll be making friends first Ivan” sua said as if she could read his mind (she probably could by now)
Ivan didn’t need friends he had sua and he could just read(when he learnt how to) instead of playing with the other kids! He had been on a couple of playgrounds before. He heard what the other kids said.
“Do you know that weird kid,Ivan well I heard he was cursed by a witch and that’s why he can’t talk!”
“He never has any facial expressions! Is he a mannequin?!”
“Ivan never hangs out with anyone what a loser”
Ivan knew they probably didn’t really mean anything and even though the comments didn’t affect him he still needed to be like the other kids in order to make friends his mom said he needs friends for his own good. Whatever that means
. . .
Ivan’s adoption day had past and it was now September school has come to swallow up all his free time as sua says. She was the one tasked with bringing him to his new classroom since their mom and dad were busy at their modelling company (the reason they adopted Ivan was for a male heir to their business)
As she lead him to a classroom on the lower floor she talked and talked about a girl called mizi he tilted his head at her and she answered “ who is Mizi?WHY SHES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE I think she’ll like you Ivan! Not as much as she likes me though!” sua says.
That still didn’t explain anything is mizi her teacher? Does sua have a crush on her teacher?
when they reached the classroom she knocked on the door. A lady with a short hair cut and greyish teal hair and teal eyes walked out. Ivan forgot how to breathe for a second she looked so much like the him the one from his reaccuring dreams. “Hello miss Io!” It’s quite obvious sua likes this teacher “ah! Hello sua still as polite as you were when you were in my class aren’t you!” She compliments sua “and who’s this here?” She says. “ this is my little brother Ivan!
Remember when I was in your class? We adopted him when I was five and I told you all about him!”
“Yes I remember,sua” the lady says with a smile “and what’s your name sweetie?”she says turning to Ivan again “oh miss Io did the school not tell you? Ivan has selective mutism but maybe the school didn’t tell you because dad never told the school? Dad said Ivan doesn’t have autism or selective mutism! But the psychiatrist said he does!”
Ms Io looks a bit shocked “No sua the school never told me any of this! I’ll have to have a talk with your father.” She said she sounds angry? Ivan has no idea why she sounds angry or why sua spilt her guts out to this teacher usually sua is very quite unless she’s talking about that mizi girl. Sua I think you might be late for class!” ms Io says “OH NO you right! Well Ivan have a good first day! I’ll see you in the playground ok?im off to see mizi!”sua waved and ran
Ms Io giggles as sua runs up the stairs
“Well welcome to my class Ivan! You can sit anywhere you want ok?”ms Io exclaims. Well
Ivan can’t sit wherever he wants because there’s only one empty spot left! he thought teachers were meant to be smart? And then he saw who he would be sitting next to..
. . .
Ivan forgets to breathe once again as he stares at him it is him it’s the boy he sees in his dreams! Granted it’s a younger version but still it’s him “Are you alright Ivan?” Ms Io asks. he nods but he’s frozen he can’t move his legs anymore
he looks back up at her and she smiles “sorry Ivan it seems you can’t sit anywhere you want to the only spot leftt is the one next to my son till!” She sees the look of confusion on Ivan’s face and smiles “yup that’s my son! See the family resemblance?”
How could he not Ms Io just looks like a girl
version of him who he now knows his name is till what an unusual name for the boy from his dreams nightmares
“go on Ivan go sit next to him! Don’t worry about my till he’s all bark and no bite don’t worry about him!” Ms Io reassures. Ivan steels himself and goest to sit next to him. Till. The boy from his nightmares is right here and he’s drawing in a sketchbook as iff all this is completely normal not even looking up when Ivan sits down. Ivan wants to see what the boy from his nightmares could possibly be drawing but he’s still a bit in shock he really thought this boy only existed in his nightmares .
The boy. Till he should remember to call him that . Till he looks up and looks a bit shocked to see someone sitting next to him
“Huh when did you get here!? WAIT who even are you?!” so this till guy who accurs in his nightmares every night doesn’t recognise him? well maybe his nightmares really are just nightmares!
“Helooooo?”till says waving his hands infront of Ivan’s face and Ivan flinches back a bit he cant he sure he can trust this guy “can’t you talk?” Till asks Ivan shakes his head “oh! Well can you draw?” Ivan shrugs “have you ever even tried” Till says Ivan shakes his head “well here’s some paper, so you can try!” Till says as he rips out a piece of paper from his sketchbook and grins at him. Ivan takes it and he wants to smile back but he doesn’t know how instead he just nods at till and takes out his colouring pencil from his bag so he can try to draw. But one problem he has no idea what to draw
“Sooo what are you going to draw?” Ivan shrugs “hmmmmm maybe you should draw hmmmm YOU SHOULD DRAW ME!” And Ivan nods enthusiastically and starts his drawing of till. A circle head that looks more like a lemon than a head a line for a body and lines for legs and arms are sticks with little circles for hands, a big smiley face and lastly he brings out a teal colouring pencil and draws tills hair! He proudly shows it to till and he BURSTS out laughing!?
Ivan doesn’t understand and pouts a bit till sees this and tries to stop laughing “I-I’m sorry but it just it just look so funny”and he bursts into more giggles eventually seeing how funny till finds this Ivan starts to smile looking at how happy till looks! Hmm when’s the last time Ivan smiled he doesn’t remember smiling a lot! Sua would be proud he will try to smile more for her in the future!
When till finally stops laughing
Ivan points at till and then to himself and makes a drawing motion and repeats this until till gets it “you…want me to draw you?” Ivan nods enthusiastically “y’know this would be a looot easier if u just talked to me!” But till does start to draw Ivan in his sketchbook and after about ten minutes (that felt like an hour to Ivan) he finished and showed to Ivan and WOW this till guy must LOVE to draw because the drawing looks just like Ivan black eyes with red pupils and all! “D-do you like it?” A now very red till asks Ivan.
Ivan loves it so he nods very very happily and grins at till! WAIT! Grins? Ivan was able to smile he was able to show his happiness.
Till brought out so many emotions from him he wanted to be around him all the time and see what other emotions till could draw out of him. Till looks a bit shocked “YOU CAN SMILE!” he shouts out looking very excited “YOU REALLY DO LIKE MY DRAWING!”
And Ivan nods again “I just realised! I never asked you your name!? What is your name?”ivan points to his eye “your names ‘eye’?!” Ivan shakes his head and points to his eye and then to a van outside “eye car? Your names eye car? Ivan shakes his head again and points to the van again “car? Bus? Vehicle? Eye vehicle?” Ivan keeps shaking his head and pointing at the van until till finally gets it and says “eye…van? Eyevan OHHHH IVAN! Is that your name?” Ivan nods enthusiastically
“my names till! Do you want to be my friend Ivan?!” And even though it scared him,to become friends with a boy from his nightmares he nods. till grins and seeing tills happy face made him happy and he smiled.
“Ok kids” Ms Io called out “it’s break time so line up to go to the playground!” And all the kids in class lined up. Till grabbed Ivan’s hand and dragged him up to the line and as they were walking to the playground he talked about everything and nothing all at the same time.
When they finally got to the playground till,still holding Ivan’s hand walks over to a tree he says is his favourite tree to sit under and that’s when he noticed sua running over to him holding hands with a pink haired girl. Is that the mizi girl she was talking about?
“Hi Ivan! Did you have a good first day? Sua says waiting for him to nod or shake his head he nods and smiled at her “Ivan y-you SMILED!!?!” she says happily and then she bursts into tears!? Ivan has absolutely no idea why sua is so emotional today she seems really seems to come out of her shell in school at home she’s much more reserved
“OH NOOO SUAAAAAAA” the pink haired girl squeals out and hugs her she looks a bit puzzled though why did sua burst into tears because her brother smiled? Eventually when sua stops crying she tells Ivan as she points to the pink haired girl “this is mizi she’s the girl I was telling you about!” She looks nice he signals to her with a twitch of his eye and sua nods while till and mizi watch this silent conversation very confused.
“What is up with this family”Mizi giggles