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humans are driven to the unknown, the calmness and the danger that comes after. till always thought he was the dangerous one, loud and agressive as he pushed trough his life with such violence, it would shove everyone away before even getting close. he was never the ocean, just the storm that made everything worse. his emotions are wild, and so was his love, but in the most pure sense. when it came to love, he only knew how to run away like an animal instead of attacking and devouring.he was never the ocean, just driven to it.
as till stands by the sea, his mind is mostly blank. the night sky above him glistens in a million stars, while the water seems like a black blanket laying mostly still. his feet stand in the water and it gives him some sort reminder that he’s still a person rather than just a ghost wandering around. the cold water splashing on his feet that sends the message of “you are just human, don’t go further”.
but why would it matter? he’s already inside the ocean and it feels familiar. the cold feels more welcome in the summer
while till looks into the ocean, all he can see is his dark eyes looking right back to him. his black eyelashes and his equally black hair that falls into his face, like waves, slightly curled when he has just woken up. till saw ivan like that more than he wished too. close to his body, sleepiness still written all over his face, but a big smile whenever he saw that till actually stayed instead of silently leaving. till did not know for the longest time ivan’s hair is actually wavy, and it became a secret obsession of his to look a little longer at the other man than he wished too. till was never the ocean like he thought all his life, but ivan was.
what do you do when you look at something that covers 71% of the earth and all you can think about is one singular person. how can a personality be so haunting, the later and darker it becomes, the more the person is shining like a lightbulb in your mind and you are just a moth flying around it. obsession is such a cruel thing, you get so hungry for more your feed from the slightest attention of it. till should feel lucky. he had the person wrapped around his fingers from the very start. as far as he can think, every memory surrounds ivan, even in the most cryptic sense. ivan was always there, even if he wasn’t. the danger lured him in, and he had no chance of escaping without knowing.
summer always makes him the most aware that love exists and many shapes and colors. the people around him seem happier, more open to their words and feelings. but summer felt rather cool when they were together regardless. at first it was weird, even uncomfortable to feel things he’s not supposed to feel. for the longest time till did not want to like ivan, not because of him, but because of the unknown. liking a man, liking a close friend, liking someone that actually likes you back. all of those things seem unfamiliar and it frightened him.
when you step into the ocean, will you stay with just your feet in the sand, or will you go inside until there is only nothingness underneath you? he never wanted to go further, but the wind made it impossible to stay on one spot and the water was rising unconditionally. he only later noticed that he himself was the wind and you never really decide where your heart is taking you.
for someone so strange and unsettling, ivan’s love was addicting without feeling pressured. when till pushed him away more than once, ivan did not attack but endured every moment like he deserves it. it makes till feel stupid in the end and maybe a little guilty. love is not supposed to feel violent but that’s all till ever knew in life, and ivan accepted it like it’s his fate.
sometimes, summer felt so hot it is nearly unbearable to exist no matter where you go. over the years, even their love had moments like this. overwhelming heat fills his body while ivan is so close all he can think about is how his body smells and how his hands feel on his skin. even in the water, he feels his body not calming down from the heat, so he submerges deeper in it. surrounding and accepting the tight feeling on his body took time but made him crave it even more when he was not close enough to ivan. it is scary how fast an addiction can grow without noticing until the person is gone.
while till walks mindlessly, the water now hitting his hips, he wishes ivan was gone. he wishes he would not see the boy wherever he goes and reminds himself that till in fact is the only reason why everything fell apart. it would be easier to know ivan is moving on, but he’s waiting like a dog and till avoids him like a stray. till was the only reason why people are so afraid of the water. he creates dangerous waves, so big it can wash away entire ships and city’s. he was always the problem and his heart can not comprehend that he would ever be good enough for someone like ivan, even if he wishes to.
even in the very end, ivan respected till’s decision to leave him, and it made till hate him a little more. why would he not scream back? beg and cry to never stop being by his side? why did ivan not say any of the words that would make till stay in an instance?
the storm always seem to overreact, to be too much, and he hates himself for that.
till did not realize how far he has gone until there is nothing underneath his feet and he has to actually come to terms that the ocean completely deluged him. the black all around him seems the same and it makes his mind dizzy as he’s trying to figure out how to get back. but is that what he wants?
he stops in his movements and lets himself flood. the waves seem stronger now. if he goes back, nothing awaits him but the cruel fate of his own actions. sometimes life turns uncomfortable just because of your own existence, and he feels like nothing ever gets better. how can you keep living if your only enemy is your own mind? no one will help you when you are the problem and you loose yourself in your misery.
till does not want to feel miserable anymore. maybe non of his wishes will ever come true, but at least he felt love at least once in his life. love that accepted him who he is, even his uncomfortable sides. he wishes he could accept himself such as much, but that means accepting all his mistakes and flaws and after all what happened, he simply does now want to.
the water is colder than he remembers. it’s like it’s sending a message of “why are you here, you are not supposed to”
till on the other hand feels like home now. one last time where he can be as close as he possibly can to the the thing he loves the most. maybe when he was gone he can finally fully accept that he wanted nothing more but being together with him. for the first time, his mind seem to be in peace while the waves get around him become louder. he hopes he gets washed away completely, like his footsteps in the sand, and when the day comes the sea will be quite and calm again. the sun will shine onto the water like nothing ever happened and maybe the ocean will be in peace again, without him.