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"I am SO ready for this." Juice cheered with a grin.
"Me too. We've been down here for a while now, I can't believe we haven't been to Waffle House yet."
Currently, the three probes-turned-androids were sitting at a booth inside the aforementioned Waffle House. It was late morning, and bright sunlight streamed through the window next to their table. Juice sat by himself on one end, with his back to the main entrance; he needed the extra space because he was the biggest android out of the three of them. Ten and Nine shared the other bench, with Ten getting the outside and Nine getting the window to the parking lot.
"We haven't been down here that long. There's still a lot of stuff we haven't done!"
"True, but like, not going to Waffle House is a crime.," Juice claimed while fussing with his paper hat. All three of them had gotten complimentary paper hats with the restaurant's logo. "The founding fathers roll in their graves every time an American drives by on the interstate without so much as sparing a glance at this beauty."
"I don't think that's true... but I agree with the sentiment. Waffle House is a foundational pillar of American culture." Ten rolled her eyes and turned her gaze from Juice back to the menu open in front of her.
The menu was pretty wide, so Nine leaned over their sister to read hers instead of their own. They checked out all the different combinations and breakfast items while drumming their fingers on their thighs. Ten nudged the menu a little closer to them and hummed thoughtfully as she thought about her own breakfast.
"I think I'm going to have a pecan waffle." Ten broke the silence after a few moments of deep consideration before pushing the menu over to Nine.
"Wait. Say that again?"
"Uhh. I'm going to have a pecan waffle?" Ten answered quizzically.
"Pecan? Seriously?"
"What's wrong? I think texturally they'd go well together!"
"Not that! Why the hell do you pronounce it like that?"
While the two bickered, Nine kept pouring over the menu. All of it was typical breakfast food, but they didn't want to order poorly and be disappointed later.
"What's wrong with how I pronounce it?"
"You sound sterile! Robotic!" Juice cried with a jerky shrug.
"Okay then. What am I doing wrong?"
"You're saying PEE-can. It's puh-cahn."
"What? That's so different! Both of the vowels are long." Ten argued as her face scrunched at Juice.
Nine kept glancing back and forth across all the different options. They could order lunch instead, nobody's judging, but they should still go for an American breakfast.
"Yeah but it's the right way to say it. Gotta do this android shit right," Juice claimed, "and you can start by getting pecan right."
"Alright," Ten conceded, "Puhcan?"
"Nope. Cahn. Not can."
"Puh-cahn. Puhcahn. Pecan."
"There you go!" Juice championed smugly. "Your turn, Nine."
"Pecan?" They supplemented, getting it correct on the first try.
"Mhmm. Man, we are SO good at this people shit!"
"We're just on a whole other level. Everyone else needs to catch up to us, not the other way around."
The three of them shared chuckles before returning to their menus. Nine turned their gazed away from their family and out into the parking lot. There were a few cars pulling in, with more people approaching the mystical Waffle House for brunch. They really should put their orders in soon before the rush arrived.
"So pecan waffles for me." Ten restated with the correct pronunciation this time. Juice nodded in approval, and Ten nodded back, before turning to Nine. "What are you gonna get?"
"Me?" They still had yet to decide. They looked back at their menu, scanning for whatever had caught their interest in the past few minutes. "I uhhhhhh..." What is something they can't easily get at home?
"They have hash brown bowls; those sound interesting. I think I'm gonna try it." They finally landed on.
"Good choice." Ten commended and Nine saw her nod at them. They turned their attention to Juice to ask what he was going to order, only to find him staring directly at them. His gaze was intense, and his face was oddly flat. They felt themself begin to sweat under his odd glare. What on earth was he doing?
"Juice?" Nine called out warily.
He blinked at them--once, twice--before speaking: "Waffle. Waffle. Waffle. Waffle." He whispered to them, his eyes still locked on their short frame.
"Juice what the fuck."
"Waffle. Waffle. Waffle. Waffle." He kept whispering his ominous chant.
Nine didn't want to find out what would happen if they failed to comply. "Nevermind. I think I'm gonna get... uhhh..." They looked back down at the menu and hastily found the waffle section. They made their decision quickly. "Chocolate chip waffles."
Juice broke the intense staring contest to relax and Ten scoffed at him. "Juice! Don't bully them into getting something they don't want!" Ten chided with an eyeball.
"But this is the WAFFLE House. You don't go to a WAFFLE HOUSE and not order WAFFLES." Juice paused, likely thinking of a stupid comparison. "That's like going to a Home Depot and walking away homeless." Juice added on in his usual playful tone.
"That... that's not-" Ten's face warped in bewilderment. "That's not how Home Depot works!"
"Yeah. Waffles sound good." Nine commented abruptly before Ten and Juice could get further into their banter. They pushed their menu against the wall with the windows.
The parking lot was beginning to fill and more groups of people began entering sporadically. Luckily, their waiter came over a few minutes later and they were able to place their orders. They were able to hopefully get ahead of the rush so they wouldn't have to wait long. They couldn't feel hungry--androids don't need to eat--but it was still something fun for them to do.
Conversation ebbed and flowed between the three of them as it usually did, while tables in the background gradually filled up. Seats at the counter were taken, booths were filled, and employees sauntered to and fro with purpose.
Nine knew a group of younger--as in looking in their 20's--adults sat behind them. They had just arrived, and seemed like a lively bunch. Behind Juice was an older looking couple perusing the menu. At the counter sat various couples and a few lone individuals--one of those individuals was trying to make a worker laugh with their jokes. Nine wondered if the Waffle House was usually this happening, or if this was an exception.
"Hey, Nine," Ten pivoted to face her sibling, "do you remember what Waffle House was known for?"
"I don't. Should I search my onboard memory?"
"NO! Nope. No need to do that." Juice rapidly butt in, catching Nine off guard.
"I agree with Juice. You can look it up later."
"What? Why can't I search my onboard memory now?"
Both Ten and Juice winced at the question. Juice shivered while Ten chuckled politely to herself.
"Well, when you deep dive into your onboard memory inside your android... you... well...." Ten trailed off, gesturing with her hand vaguely.
"I what?"
"You kinda slump forward and your eyes go blank."
"Lights on, but nobody's home!"
"And it's scary as shit man."
The older woman in the booth behind Juice glanced up from her menu to look at them, before leaning forward to whisper something to her husband. Nine was used to all the looks they got for being an android, and with how Juice could be... they were used to unwanted attention. They paid it no mind, and returned to the conversation.
"Do I do this every time I access my deeper memory in this body?"
"Yeah, and when you access the internet directly too."
"Horror movie type shit."
Again, another look from the older woman.
"Oh my god." Nine felt their embarrassment climbing. Their internal temperatures rose by a few degrees and they diverted their eyes. "Why didn't you guys tell me sooner?"
"We thought it was just a bug that would go away! " Ten explained, "Now I guess it's just a feature."
"Prototype android special right there."
Nine groaned quietly. They were beginning to lament the fact that they were the first probe down on Earth in an android body. They were the prototype, and while they were grateful, clearly the engineers didn't work out all the kinks. Although... maybe they could use this to scare one of the others in the future? They file that thought away for later.
"How embarrassing!" They comment before shifting back to the original topic. "But no, I don't remember what Waffle House is known for. What's it known for?"
Juice leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table so he could rest his chin on his interlocked hands. "It's time you learned about the Waffle House Index."
"But first, context." Ten smoothly cut him off. "Waffle House was known for being open 24/7, 365. Back before the moment, Waffle Houses in the South were known to remain open despite various weather concerns. In the face of disaster, Waffle Houses were always the last to close down, and the first to reopen."
"So then comes the Waffle House Index. Green for full power and no damage, so nothin' to worry about. Yellow for backup power and limited menu--I'd start to sweat but the W.H. has your back. Red is when it closes."
"And when it closes?" Nine could already guess the answer, but they wanted to hear it from Juice.
"You better run for the hills!"
"Get your ass up and go!"
"Go far and go fast because the world might be ending!"
They got another look from the older woman, this time one of very distinct disproval. If Nine had to guess, it was a combination of their foul language and their rowdiness. They would tell their family to pipe down, but their food should be coming soon--they can make it a bit longer.
"WAIT. I almost forgot the fights!" Juice exclaimed out of the blue.
"The fights!" Ten echoed with a grin.
"The fights?" Nine parroted, curiosity giving way to unshakable enthusiasm.
"Oh man, so many fights happen at these bad boys! If you wanna brawl, you come down to the Waffle House."
"And it's not just the customers! The employees can kick some serious ass too." Ten's expletive drew yet another pissy look from the lady behind Juice. This time, her husband even looked over his shoulder to spare them a glance. What is their problem?
"You get a meal and a mean show. Best entertainment in the South."
"Do you think we'll be able to watch a fight?"
"I hope so!"
"I shouldn't say I hope for it, but..." Ten trailed off with a cheeky lilt in her voice. Nine found themself agreeing with their sister. Nobody wants to watch people get brutally injured, but it's not like anyone died anymore, so what's the harm? "It would be funny as hell." She concluded with a grin.
The probes continued to chat about various topics until they got their food a few minutes later. Eagerly, they dug in and the conversation fell to a comfortable silence. Ten enjoyed her pecan waffles with a generous helping of butter and maple syrup. Nine thought the chocolate chips were enough, so they dialed back on the syrup for their waffles. Juice got some kind of combination, that offered waffles, bacon, eggs, and toast--a whole damn feast of breakfast. Their eyes zeroed in on the bacon, and they instantly knew they needed a bite sooner or later.
They were family anyways, so what's wrong with family style?
They quickly changed their mind when they saw the way Juice ferociously attacked his plate. He went at the thing like it owed him money! They caught Ten's form slump ever so slightly in dejection, which indicated that she had been thinking the same. Maybe they'll just have to get some bacon to go.
"Ohhhhh my gooooood." Juice all but moaned in between bites. "This is so fucking goooooood." Juice enunciated every single word, as well as damn near whined for emphasis. "What do they put in this crap, their blood, sweat, 'n tears?"
"I gotta say, this was worth the trip." Nine was about to say something else, but they paused when they saw the man directly behind Juice spin in his seat.
Both Pioneer siblings watched as the man tapped Juice on his shoulder and waited for the blond android to turn to face him.
When Juice shifted to peer over his shoulder, the man spoke: "Can you watch your mouth? We don't need you swearing like a sailor in here. It's unnecessary and filthy."
Juice's face morphed from intrigue to apprehension to dissatisfaction. It's a weird request, and the lack of manners was off-putting. It's not like there were any kids to avoid cursing in front off, and most adults agreed it was bizarre to try and police someone else's behavior in these days.
"Uhhhhh..." Juice started after a moment of befuddlement. Is he being deadass? "No offense dude, but I say what I want. Mind your business, and I'll mind mine."
The man scoffed and went back to facing his wife. Juice turned back over his shoulder to meet the faces of the Pioneer siblings--both equally as bewildered as he was.
"You handled that maturely." Ten praised in a whisper.
"Yeah... I guess being commish comes in handy sometimes." Juice quipped, his voice much softer than usual.
"Still, that entire interaction was freaking weird."
Juice's eyes widened and he leaned forward, "so it wasn't just me!
"No that was definitely strange."
"Thank you!" He whisper-yelled. "I thought I was losing my damn mind!"
They quickly resumed eating, still a little shaken by the outlandish encounter. The couple behind Juice started whispering--likely about them. Nine could barely hear it over the sound of their own chewing, but they heard enough to understand that they didn't understand a word of it. It must've been in a foreign language, and it was too faint for their translator to pick up on.
"Les gens d'aujourd'hui... n'ont plus aucune classe. Plus aucune décence." The lady murmured to her husband with a degree of snark.
"En tant que société, nous aurions vraiment dû dépasser ce langage inapproprié." The man agreed, folding his hands and resting them on the table.
"Je suis d'accord."
"What are they saying?" Nine whispered to Juice, before jerking their head in the direction of the booth behind him.
"Nothin' important."
"Je ne pense même pas que ce soient des personnes. On dirait des robots."
"Ça doit être ce programme Android à proximité." The man suggested to his wife.
Nine might not understand this language, but they clearly understood "robots" and "androids." Even without conjugate words, they knew they were being spoken poorly of.
"Je n'arrive pas à croire qu'ils puissent faire tout ce qu'ils veulent. Ils débarquent dans notre ville et squattent nos maisons sans aucune éducation."
"Nous n'avons même pas été prévenus. Ils sont arrivés comme ça, sans nous laisser voter."
"Ces hipsters prétentieux de la NASA… on n'en veut pas. Qu'ils les reprennent!"
"Nettoyer le quartier. Humains seulement."
Juice looked sick. His fork was flat on his plate, and his food went untouched for longer than 30 seconds--something wasn't right.
"Juice. What are they saying?" Ten hissed in a whisper at him.
"It's. Uhhhhh. Nothing important." He asserted a second time, but he was still listening very intently. Nothing. Sure it was nothing.
"Tous ces déchets métalliques qui traînent partout. Je croyais que la pollution était interdite."
"On devrait vraiment les renvoyer là-bas. Recycler leurs boîtes de conserve et fermer définitivement ces usines. Elles ne sont pas comme nous; elles n'ont rien à faire ici."
Something flashed in Juice's eyes. For just a moment, he was locked and loaded. Ten must have seen it, "Juice," she blurted out with urgency, but she was too late.
In half a second, Juice had risen from their booth. In the next half, he had slid over to the booth next door. In another second, he had raised his hands and brought them down hard on the table.
SLAM!
Heads turned towards the yellow android hovering over the couple, but Juice didn't notice.
"Tu veux me dire ça en face?" Juice spat, his voice dripping with poorly concealed venom. "Allez, grand-père, dis-le-moi en face."
"What are you talking about?" The man huffed while his wife clutched her purse. She would have been clutching her pearls if she had any on.
"De quoi je parle? De quoi tu parles? Tu dis du shit de mes amis, voilà de quoi on parle!"
"That was a very private conversation. Do you know how rude it is to eavesdrop on stranger? The man backfired with a snark in his voice.
"You--you things have no manners!" The bitch wife shrilled while cowering in the corner of the booth and against the wall.
"Des bonnes manières? Des bonnes manières! Sachez que mes amis ont tout autant le droit d'être ici que vous!"
SLAM!
"Ce sont des gens merveilleux et bons qui rendent ce monde meilleur. Ils donnent un sens à l'éternité. Ils sont une bénédiction pour tous ceux qui les entourent, misérables êtres!"
SLAM!
"Je ne sais pas à quel point votre vie est misérable pour insulter mes amis, MA FAMILLE, mais si j'entends encore une de ces conneries, je vous montrerai ce que cette ferraille peut faire!"
The woman screamed, and all eyes were on the confrontation. Nine and Ten watched, mouths agape. They couldn't translate what Juice was saying because he was speaking too fast and slurring his words together, but they were getting the gist of it. They came for a meal and a show, and oh boy a show was what they were getting!
"Are you threatening my wife?" The man accused, rising from his seat and stepping out of the booth. Juice stepped back to give in space, in doing so straightening to his full height. He was intimidating, a bulky, 6 foot tall android staring down a regular, older gentleman.
"Je vous menace tous les deux!" Juice sneered, getting right back into the man's personal space. "Si tu dis encore un seul putain de truc sur eux, je te fourre mon pied tellement loin dans le cul qu'il ressortira par ta bouche!"
"Arthur, stop!" The woman cried, holding her hands over her head. Immortal or not, nobody wanted to get pummeled--in a Waffle House no less.
"Non non, tu veux prendre ça dehors?"
At this point several people had whipped out their phones and were recording. Nine had half the mind to join them, but being a computer came with perfect memory. The Pioneer siblings could only pray their faces weren't clear in the recordings.
"Fuck yeah let's take this outside!" Juice barked, his mouth quirking up in a grin. Not an oh this is so funny grin, but more of a seeing-red grin. "Putain, je vais t'arracher la gueule et la balayer par terre!"
"Alright! Let's go!" The man tried to match Juice's energy, but was failing miserably. Everybody knew a puny man like himself didn't stand a chance against a literal android. Nobody knew why he was still putting up a fight--he was digging his own grave post-mortality.
"Viens ici! Montre-moi ce que tu sais faire!" Juice bellowed before lunging at the man. Everything else from there was a shit show.
Somewhere between Juice absolutely decking the guy, wiping the floor with his body, and general ass-whopping, some semblance of a brain returned to Nine. They were awestruck by the violence in front of them, but also deeply disturbed by the fact that Juice--and by proxy them--were at the epicenter of the infamous Waffle House brawl.
"Can we get these to go?" Nine called out to nobody in particular.
After a few moments without a response, Ten acknowledged her sibling. "Yeah. Let's do that. I see the boxes... I'll just..."
Ten got up from her seat and shuffled across the center lane to the worker's counter. She had to duck midway to avoid a chair sailing through the hair, which clattered to the floor behind her. The bitch wife joined the fight, so now it was a 2 v 1. Juice only looked ecstatic to be fighting both of them at the same time. The reckoning had come for this couple today, and his name was Juice.
"Here." Ten passed a to-go box to Nine, who took it, but didn't begin packing up their waffle. Instead, they watched Juice climb on top of a table, fists in the air, and sunglasses bent at an angle.
"Dipshits! Je te ferai souhaiter mourir!" The onlookers roared in delight as Juice leapt from the table and crashed down on the couple beneath him. At this point why even watch professional wrestling when Waffle House has everything you could ever have?
"Ten?"
"Mhmm?"
"You got the keys, right?"
"Yeah... I... we should go."
"Yes please."
Juice kept throwing punches at both the man and the woman, who were frankly only still standing because the nanos wouldn't let them be too injured. Nine could still see bruises and bloodstains, so maybe the laws of Waffle House circumvented even the nanos in their perfected state.
"Ten?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared."
"Me too."
The crowd went wild and the decibels rose dramatically as Juice absolutely decked his opponents. He was itching for a fight ever since he got an android body, so it really was only a matter of time. Cameras bobbed as watchers scrambled to get better views--hell, even the workers wanted to watch! They say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but Juice not only got his waffle, but he got to fight it too!
The car was dead silent on their way back home. Ten was driving, Nine was in the front passenger seat, and Juice was in the middle of the back seat. Horrendously bad pop songs played over the radio, but nobody made the move to turn it off.
Trees flew by as they passed other cars, and the sunlight bounced off the metallic coats from above. It was past noon now, what was supposed to be quick brunch derailed and derailed spectacularly.
Nine found themself hating the quiet--it was unnatural for their friends. "Soooo... first space probe to be banned from a Waffle House?" Nine quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
The silence stretched as if it was trying to swallow Nine's comment whole. If their situation before was bad, this was awful. Awfully awkward!
"First space probes to be banned from a Waffle House." Ten corrected after a few tense moments. Her eyes never left the road--better looking ahead than at the android behind her.
"Yeah."
Silence again. They fidgeted with their fingers in their lap as the world blurred outside their window. They've only been down on Earth for a few months now, and they somehow managed to get banned from an establishment already. Their engineers at NASA would probably be laughing their asses off by now. Nine wondered how long it would take recorded footage to circle the internet.
They looked at Juice in the rearview mirror. He was looking down at himself, idly dusting off his signature yellow letterman jacket. "Juice." They called and held his gaze in the mirror.
"What did they say?"
"Yeah, what made you wanna beat the living piss out of them?"
"We uh... couldn't pick it up on our translators. Too quiet."
"Translators?"
"Uh, yeah? You were speaking French."
"I was?"
"You were. I mean, I knew you were French but I didn't know you spoke French too!"
"I don't really I just... really? I spoke French?"
"Yes. I think those other two spoke French too, so that must have triggered it."
"Wow. I didn't think I still had it in me." Juice chuckled to himself dryly. "I haven't spoken that in centuries... I shoulda lost it."
He sighed, drawn out and dramatic. "No wonder my mouth feels so funny."
"So, what brought on the violence?"
Juice hummed in acknowledgement but did not answer, his frame swaying with the movements of the car. Ten changed lanes, and Nine kept watching Juice through the mirror. They switched from fidgeting to drumming on their thighs as they waited for a response.
"....nothin' important. Just a load of rude crap."
Nine inspected Juice through the rearview mirror, before staring at their sister. Ten was glimpsing in the same mirror back at Juice, who was staring ahead between the two siblings.
Ten met Nine's gaze, unmoving for a second, before she shrugged and turned back to the road.
"I hope your victory was worth it." She commented lightly. There wasn't an invitation to respond, so Juice didn't.
After a few moments of consideration, very pregnant pauses, and stuffy awkwardness, Nine turned over the center console to Juice in the back. They pulled their arm across their chest and through the seats to reach him and give him a little something: a paper hat. One of those Waffle House paper hats.
Juice accepted it with a snicker and he ran his thumbs over the smooth paper; he hunched over in his seat as soaked in the black and yellow stripes, the circular logo, the wrinkles from wear.
In front of him were the people he'd fight with, fight for, and create shitty games for. His little stunt earlier totally counted as a shitty game--at least to him it did. He got himself banned from one of the greatest locations in America for them--his family--and god that was such a sappy thought. Maybe they really didn't need to know what happened--that can be a secret he takes to the end of time.
"Thanks y'all."