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It was getting dark out and the cold January air was biting at my feet, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to talk to her, I had to.
I brought up the courage to ring the doorbell and painstakingly waited for her to let me in.
There was a crackle in the intercom, and then I heard her voice.
“Hello? Who is this?”
I struggled to even open my mouth, it had been so long since I had heard her voice.
“Mizi…? It's umm, it's me, Sua. Do you have a minute to talk?”
A few moments passed in silence, except for the leaves swaying slowly by fault of the breeze.
The door opened, and out came Mizi.
“What do you need?” She asked, and I felt estranged. I didn't recognize her anymore; her eyes were tired and she was uptight, her arms crossed. She never used to be like that with me, she was always herself. We were always ourselves with each other.
“Nothing, I just felt like we should catch up. It's been a while!” I said, grinning.
Her lips formed a warm smile and her eyes softened. “Thanks for coming. I've missed you. Should we go on a walk?”
“That would be wonderful.”
She was wearing a baseball cap, for some unknown reason, and she hadn't bothered putting on a sweater, which surprised me because of the chilly weather.
“What's it like being famous?” I asked, having nothing else to say.
“It gets lonely sometimes. I don't know, it's weird. I have everything I've ever wanted, it's just not what I had pictured. It's great, don't get me wrong, but it's different.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“I mean, you don't really, but thanks.”
I didn't know what to say to that. I guess she was right, I didn't get it. But I didn't understand why I couldn't empathize with her. I was just trying to be a good friend.
“Why do you never reach out? I've called you every month and your agent always picks up saying you're busy.”
She stopped and stared at me, taken aback. “You're not the only person in the world, you know that?”
“I didn't say that, all I'm saying is that I see you more on TV with random fucking guys than I see you in person. It's like all you do is star in ads and hang out with guys who end up in headlines like, ‘K-Pop Star, Mizi, Is Rumored To Be Dating Hot Man’, what the hell is that all about? And what about the clematis I got you? You just gave them away, you didn't even keep them.”
“Why aren't you happy for me? Is it so hard to believe that I made it? That I actually became a star? It's not my fault you didn't have it in you, it's not my fault I'm good at my fucking job.”
“It's not my fault that I have to hold back the urge to puke every time I see a forty-year-old man drool over you on social media.”
Then I witnessed something I wouldn't have ever expected from her. She took out a cigarette. I had never seen her smoke, ever. She used to swear on her life that she wouldn't be caught dead with a cigarette. I took it from her and threw it to the ground.
I felt a sharp pain across my cheek. I held my hand up to my face, realizing what had just happened. Mizi had slapped me, as if it were nothing. I took a few deep breaths while we stood there, neither of us daring to speak.
And then I choked up, trying to spit out the words that had once seemed easy.
“I love you Mizi,” I looked at her straight in the eyes, holding back tears from mine. “I'm sorry I said those things, of course I'm happy for you. I'm just worried.” I hugged her as tight as I could and started bawling.
She was too stunned to say anything, she didn't even hug me back. There I was: hopeless, crying on her shoulders, and she was just quiet. It felt anything but comforting.
She pushed me away, running a hand through her hair.
“Stop it! You can't–You can't do this to me,” she cried. “I can't be with you anymore, you know that. I told you, what we had, it was just temporary. It was fun and all, but I can't have that anymore. It would ruin my reputation, my fanbase would be gone… I didn't mean to slap you, but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry Sua.”
She turned left, and I let her leave. I collapsed onto the floor, my head in my hands, and sobbed. This all could've been avoided. I could have just shut up, maybe I shouldn't have even come.
I raised my head for a brief moment, trying to grasp some air, and I saw something truly horrible. A zombie was walking in the direction Mizi had gone, and all of the sudden he had passed the corner.
I got up after processing what had just happened, running to find her. But I was too late, of course. She was already torn up. But she was still Mizi, at least to me she was. I knew that she wouldn't ever actually be back to normal, it wasn't something she could brush off in the morning.
I didn't mind dying if it meant being with her. I need to be with her. In life. In death. All the time. Even if that means getting infected.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I smiled, got down, and kissed her. Because I can't ever live without Mizi.
Now we can be used together. Who could've guessed? Just two entertainment objects, hand in hand.