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“...And,” Declan grinned, standing on top of one of Rupert’s oak coffee tables, “We’ve only just begun. To Venturer!”
A roar went up among the crowd as Declan raised his whiskey glass to them.
Taggie smiled as she leaned against a doorframe near the back of the room. She watched the beaming faces charge their glasses towards him before turning back to embrace each other.
The evening sun was shining into the room through the open doors, a gentle breeze blowing the thin lace curtains inside. The air felt lighter than it had in many months.
As her father stepped down from the table, rewarded with claps on the back from Freddie and Patrick, all Taggie felt was relief.
She didn’t know how many more times she could cope with waking in the night to find her father still sitting at the kitchen table, cigarette in hand, poring over paperwork. There was a purple darkness under his eyes that had only deepened as the franchise decision neared.
“Got a drink, Tag?” Patrick nudged her elbow as he passed her in the doorway, handing her a glass of champagne as he made his way into the hall.
“Thanks,” Taggie smiled, looking at Patrick, then back at the glass before taking a sip.
As pleased as she was for Venturer, seeing everyone else's unbridled joy only served to remind her that she didn’t share it.
She wasn’t completely happy.
She’d tried to fill her life with so many things: helping with the bid, spending time with Patrick and Caitlin, cooking for every event offered. She even let Bas in, allowing herself to be told she was beautiful as they sat together in the evenings.
But try as she might, nothing could distract her from the fact that what she really wanted - what she felt deep down she needed to be happy - wasn’t there to have.
Sometimes she hated that he’d kissed her. In that moment, she was given what she wanted more than anything, but it was not his to give. He wasn’t free.
Now she lives with the pain of knowing exactly how it would feel. But, she wonders whenever this pang of regret hits her, is that worse than having never felt it at all?
As her eyes scan around the room, she notices his absence for the first time.
§
The small room in the IBA’s London office had been filled with the Venturer team. They sat in silence, surrounded by wisps of smoke from the anxious cigarettes being lit every few minutes.
Taggie and Rupert sat close to one another on a black leather sofa, his knee bouncing impatiently as they waited for Declan to come back from speaking to Lady Gosling.
When Declan finally came through the set of double doors and walked towards them in his brown trousers and blazer, they all stood up, looking for clues of their fate in his face. He stopped and looked at them, his thick brows furrowed.
Henry Hampshire dared to be the first to speak. “Well?”
Declan looked around the room, a small smile suddenly playing on his lips. “We did it.”
After a second of stunned silence, the room erupted into cheers.
“Yes!” Rupert clapped his hands together, looking around at the hugs and backslapping all around him.
Taggie breathed out a relieved laugh, smiling as she pushed her fringe from her forehead. Her eyes met Rupert's. She hadn’t seen him smile like that in a long time, she thought.
Swept up in the momentum, he threw his arms around her, lifting her slightly as he sighed out. “We did it, Tag”.
Taggie giggled at the sensation of being held up like a child, hands pressed against Rupert’s chest.
As he let her go, he looked down at her, hands gripping his arms as she found her footing. Both of them grinned, shaking their heads in disbelief.
They were still holding onto each other when Freddie appeared beside them, wrapping his arms around both of their shoulders.
“C’MON,” he yelled, pulling them into a huddle.
“This man,” Freddie pointed at Rupert, who opened his arms and welcomed him into an embrace. “This man, this man…”
Caitlin ran across the room, almost jumping on top of Taggie as she squealed in delight, dragging her away.
§
Placing her glass on a sideboard, Taggie turned her back on the crowded living room and walked into Penscome’s grand hallway. The front door was open.
As she walked towards the threshold, she could feel her heartbeat in her ears.
There he stood, a few yards beyond the door, looking out at the grounds that stretched in front of the house.
The draw to be near him, to understand him, never left her. Even as Bas held her hand at the Hunt ball, or he kissed Cameron in his sweaty Polo kit. Part of her always wanted to be there, with him.
Gravel crunched under her foot, but if he heard, he didn’t show it. Slowly, Taggie walked toward him until they were side-by-side. He looked across at her with tired eyes.
The din of excited chatter could still be heard from inside.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen people this happy.” Taggie gave him a small smile.
He hummed, turning back to look at the tree branches swaying in the distance. It was colder there, the house’s stone facade shielding them from the setting sun.
Taggie watched him closely. The Rupert of a few hours ago - the one beaming as he lifted her in his arms - was nowhere to be seen. Instead, here stood a man who looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
“What’s the matter?” She asked quietly.
He didn’t know where to start. He shut his eyes and reopened them, glancing back at her. He looked haunted.
Taggie furrowed her brows at his expression, “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
“I’m pleased we won…” He said stoically, looking at the stones beneath her feet, then back up to her face, “Very pleased.”
Taggie’s lips pressed together as she raised an eyebrow at him. This earned a look of acknowledgement from Rupert, whose gaze returned to the trees.
“You don’t seem it”, Taggie said tentatively, unsure how much she could press.
Signing, he dug his hands deep into his trouser pockets.
“I just… The bid’s been a good distraction. Now I suppose it’s time to face everything else.”
“Tab and Marcus?” Taggie looked at him expectantly.
“No, no,” he shook his head. “Well, yes. But Helen seems to have calmed down on the custody threats for now. They’re coming over next week.”
“That’s great.” Taggie gave him an encouraging smile, but he didn’t look back at her.
“And you and Cameron-” She ventured to fill the silence, regretting it almost as soon as the words left her mouth, “Now you can focus on…”
She trailed off, wincing as he gave a dark chuckle and turned his body towards her at last.
“There is no ‘me and Cameron’.”
Taggie felt the cool air on her bare arms.
“We were only staying together for the sake of the bid,” Rupert continued, watching Taggie’s expression, “She’s moving her things out.”
“For the bid? What do you mean?” She asked, frowning as she turned her whole body to face his.
“She knew-” Rupert sighed, his eyes closing for a moment, trying to compose himself. “It just didn’t...We didn’t want to distract from the bid or make people uncomfortable, so we just kept it quiet for a while.”
Taggie didn’t know what to say, her mind jumping in several directions as she looked at him. How could she not have seen this? She wondered. How long have they been pretending?
She scanned her mind for recent memories of the two of them together, looking for clues she’d missed.
“That’s why you’re upset?” She asked after what felt like an age.
Rupert let out a rueful laugh, touching his hand to his mouth. “No, Angel.”
Suddenly, Taggie felt a shock of anger at being laughed at, at being lied to.
“Then why?” She asked, with more force than she’d expected.
Rupert’s eyes softened at her tone. Here stands the reason, he thought. The reason for his misery and the reason behind everything he’s done since he tucked her into bed in the early hours of New Year’s Day.
“Because…” He said, finally, “Because it doesn’t change anything.”
Taggie looked at him with frustration now, not understanding how this didn’t alter everything. “But you’ve won,” she said, “Everything’s going to be different.”
Rupert rolled his eyes at the idea of ‘winning’.
“I don’t care about winning the franchise, Tag! It’d give it all up now if…” He trailed off.
He knew he shouldn’t. The consequences of it. Once it’s said, he cannot take it back.
Rupert’s voice softened in defeat.
“I’d give it all up if it meant I could have you.”
Taggie closed her eyes. She could hear her heartbeat over the music that floated out from the house, over the sounds from the trees. As she reopened them, part of her expected to find this wasn’t real.
But there he stood, watching her, eyes glistening.
“You-” Her voice wavered, “You can”
Rupert shut his eyes against the tears he felt threatening, shaking his head.
“Everyone I’ve ever cared about has suffered because of me, by mere association with me,” He said, exasperated. “I can’t bear to do that to you, Angel. It wouldn’t be fair-”
Taggie had heard this before. “So you’re going to let yourself be alone forever? Be miserable forever?”
Rupert shrugged, opening his mouth to respond before being cut off.
“Don’t you think I should have some say in this?” She asked, raising her arms, then letting them fall by her sides. “You think you’re being noble, trying to protect me. But you’re not.”
Tears began to gather and fall as she spoke.
Rupert felt an ache of guilt in his chest, bringing his hands to her face to brush them away gently.
“Can’t you let me love you?” Taggie whispered, “Isn’t it enough?”
Rupert ran his thumbs across her warm cheek, lowering his head towards her. He could feel her warm breath on his skin.
“It’s everything,” He breathed, resting his forehead against hers.
Suddenly, Taggie recalled the moment, months before, when she realised Rupert was going to kiss her in the Priory’s kitchen. As she had turned to look at him, his hands on her waist, it felt as if the next few seconds were always meant to happen.
Now, as she looked into Rupert's dark eyes, she felt that same sensation return.
Slowly, she brought her lips to meet his.
Before, there had been a desperation. They clutched each other as if they would never have the opportunity again. This time felt different.
Rupert’s arms wrapped around Taggie’s upper back, pulling her in so their bodies were moulded together. Parting her lips, he deepened the kiss, his hand brushing the side of her face as her fingers made their way through his hair.
Breathlessly, they finally parted, still close enough to feel each other's warmth radiating from their skin.
“I love you,” he whispered, “I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove I’m worthy of you.”
“I love you too,” Taggie breathed, “And I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you that you are.”