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Neil always knew something was different about him. He’d never really had crushes on girls, or boys for that matter. Well, that was until he got to know Andrew. Neil fell in love with the rare, soft side of Andrew. The side only he got to see. Neil knew that he was the only one that had built that trust with Andrew, and he was grateful for it.
On the nights that Andrew would fall asleep on Neil’s chest, their breaths syncing up as Neil took in the sight, the world seemed to stop spinning. It was those moments that made Neil cry. But it wasn’t sad crying, it was the kind of crying that only happened when there was too much emotion in his chest to contain. He didn’t mind, he only hoped it wouldn’t wake his sleeping boyfriend.
A conversation between himself and Allison earlier replayed in his head. “So, have you and Andrew, y’know, taken it to the next level yet?” Allison had asked him. Neil wasn’t one hundred percent sure what she had meant, so he asked for clarification. “And by that you mean?” Allison looked like she was about to laugh, which made Neil feel guilty for not knowing. His hand, which had been resting in his pocket, pinched the skin of his thigh lightly to ground him back to the conversation.
“I mean have you had sex with him, dumbass.” Oh. Oh. Neil hadn’t even thought about that yet. Then, he couldn't stop. God, even the thought of it was gross. He never wanted that. Not that he didn’t trust Andrew, but Neil didn’t want that with anyone.
“I don’t...think I want to.” He told Allison. She seemed to get a bit concerned at that. “Why?” She inquired. “Did Andrew do something you didn’t like? I swear to God, if that boy touched you, I’ll fucking-” Neil cut her off, panic rising in his throat at her assumption. “No! Nothing like that!” Neil exclaimed. “Andrew didn’t do anything wrong, I just don’t want to have sex. Like ever. The very idea of it just grosses me out. I’m happy that other people feel comfortable enough to do that with each other, but I don’t ever want someone to touch me like that.” After Neil had finished with his rant, Allison looked at him like it was no big deal.
Then, she said something that broke his brain. “You’re asexual.” It was a statement. Not a question. Neil wasn’t sure what that meant either. He’d vaguely remembered it from biology class, but he couldn’t tell you the definition. His confusion must have been obvious, because Allison took a deep breath and explained, “Being asexual means you aren’t sexually attracted to anyone. Yes, asexuality is a whole big spectrum, but from what I'm hearing, you’re like fully sex-repulsed and don’t feel sexual attraction. And that’s okay. Plenty of people are ace. But you should probably tell Andrew.”
There were a million thoughts rushing through Neil’s head. He wasn’t the only person like this, there was a whole label for it. But what about Andrew? What if he wanted something Neil couldn’t bear to give him? God, he was being a horrible boyfriend, wasn’t he? Most people just wanted a physical relationship anyways, right? Maybe he’d been wrong about how Andrew felt about him in the first-
Allison snapped twice in front of his face, effectively bringing him back out of his thoughts. “Hey, Master of Disassociation, snap out of it, would ya? I know, I know, ace panic thoughts are a bitch. I helped Renee through hers too. But listen, you aren’t broken, Neil. Being asexual isn’t some defect.” Despite Allison’s somewhat helpful peptalk, Neil couldn’t stop thinking about how Andrew would feel about this.
“What about Andrew?” He whispered, though his voice was strained. “Oh.” Allison said. “Well, if he has a problem with it, I’ll be really fuckin’ surprised, seeing as he knows Renee is ace. But, yeah, you should talk to him about it.”
That evening was the first time Neil had cried in front of someone that wasn’t Andrew. He was so fucking scared that Andrew would leave him, and Allison acknowledged that. She didn’t downplay his fear; she just held him until he’d calmed down enough to go back to his dorm.
After about an hour of walking around campus and contemplating how to do this, Neil walked through the door to the dorm. Thankfully, Kevin was staying with Aaron and Nicky, and Matt was with Dan. He had time alone with Andrew to talk.
“Hey, there’s my favorite Junkie.” Andrew said from their shared top bunk. “Where’ve you been?” He looked happy to see Neil as he climbed down the latter. “Allison’s. I had to talk about something.” Andrew tilted his head slightly when Neil said that.
“Everything okay? You know you can tell me anything, right?” A wave of guilt washed over Neil as he heard how worried his boyfriend was. “I...uh-” He stammered as he tried to figure out how to word it. Andrew took Neil’s hand into his, a silent ‘take your time.’
“I’m asexual.” The words were forced out of Neil’s mouth as he felt the panic rise once more. The corners of his eyes stung with unshed tears as he pinched his thigh again with his free hand. He was ready for the anger, the sadness, the inevitable breakup this led to, but those things never came.
Andrew wasn’t mad. He just hugged Neil and whispered, “That’s okay. Thank you for telling me.” Neil started crying again. He had been so scared that Andrew was going to leave him, but here they were. Still together.
After a few minutes of hugging and crying, Andrew stepped back. “Neil,” He started with a shaky voice. Andrew never called him Neil unless it was moments like this. “I don’t love you because of your body. This isn’t just something physical. You gave me purpose, a reason to get up, hell, you gave me my will to live. I would never just throw all of that away just because we’ll never have sex. You mean more to me than that. When I kiss you or hold you or say I love you, that isn’t physical. That isn’t because I want to fuck you. It’s because you’re my whole world. I couldn’t imagine this shitty team without you, Josten. I still think you’re the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on.”
Neil was openly crying. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever told him. And coming from Andrew, nonetheless. The same Andrew that he’d been scared of his freshman year was now standing here, telling Neil how much he loved him, despite the fact that they’ll never have sex.