Work Text:
Jumin-ya,
By the time you read this, I should have arrived at my new place. Don't worry. And don't waste your money traveling here in your private jet - I know you have enough power to find out my location in a couple of hours. However, just hear me out, for once.
You know, when I first realized my feelings for you, I thought my love was the only thing that matters, YOU were the only thing that matters, so I was happy living like that and enjoyed the one-side feeling without a curse.
Then, one day, beyond my imagination, you appeared in front of my house, saying you loved me, that I was the only one (beside your dear Elly) who could make your heart race. God knows how how fast my heart was beating at that moment. And when you leaned over to kiss me, I froze, just like a lil girl who was about to have her first kiss. Your kissing skill was bad, though, but luckily my mind was all blank at that time. Of course, thanks to me, your skill has improved now, haha.
When we went out together, I always said you were such a bore, but truth be told, I enjoyed them very much. Be it the time when you took me to that luxurious restaurant (which I almost angrily left when I knew the price of that meal) or the time you just innocently followed me around Myeongdong market and tried to buy all the Bungeoppangs they were selling because I said I wanted to eat one, I just cherish them all.
And, do you remember the time when the R.F.A. found out about us? Jaehee-ssi was the one who’s against it, you even said she didn’t talk to you at the office because she was so angry. I think she’s the most considerate, careful, devoted woman I have ever met. I know she was just worried about me, about us. She was like a big sister to me, and I was thinking “Oh well, my relationship with her can never be the same again.” Then, one day, she just gave me a long call and said she didn’t oppose us anymore. You know what else she told me? She said that you had come to her and told her you would protect me no matter what, and that you wouldn’t let your love be in my career. She said your eyes were too sincere that she couldn’t help but feeling guilty for being against us. I almost burst into tears that very moment. Why did you do that? Did you do that on purpose so that I would forever be tied in this love with you? Then, you succeeded.
Five years. We’ve been together for five years. I thought everything was great. But recently, whenever we hung out and I saw couples holding hands, kissing each other on the streets, or taking their children to the amusement park, I just felt like something was missing about us. Then, the rumor of you being forced to get married by your dad started to spread around. Although it died soon after, I still started to imagine your future family. If your child was a girl, she would be beautiful having black hair and grey eyes just like her dad, right? But what if she looked like her mom? What would her mom - your wife look like? I feel suffocated every time I think about that.
It’s not that I don’t trust you. I just can’t trust myself. I’m just not sure how long I’m gonna be able to act naive and smile every time you tell me not to worry about those things.
Sometimes, I just wonder if we were not Jumin and Zen, would things be better? Or, if one of us was a girl, would the feelings of suffocation stop visiting me every night?
You know what they all say about love. "You are free to be in love with someone, no matter what your nationality, your age, your class or even your gender."
But, free, are we really?
If this is really happiness, why do I feel miserable at the same time?
Love gives us the beauty of kindness, forgiveness, but it also brings out the jealousy and selfishness deep down in our hearts. Once you have it, you crave for more. I wished for your heart and got it, but it's not enough now. I want more. I want us to be accepted. I want to go on dates and hold your hand on the streets, just like normal couples, not just hanging around like two male friends. I know, that's too greedy, isn't it? And it’s a famous actor and project director we are talking about. Haha, claiming myself a famous actor feels really weird, but I guess I am kind of a public image now.
That's why I made this decision. I know you will be mad, but trust me, it's the best for us. I want us to have a break, and by “a break”, I mean we should stop keeping in touch for a while. I’ll be off from the R.F.A. to focus on my acting career too. In this period, I think it's better for us to take a rest, and think about what we really want in our future when we meet again.
You are thinking that I'm breaking up with you right? Haha, that is actually what I wanted to say. But you know what? I'm such a coward, petty, selfish guy that I don't want to let you go. And to be honest, I want you to hold on to me too. If it can make you smile, please know that you did succeed in spoiling me into someone who always wants to depend on you, jerk.
Why am I like this, I wonder? I think... I just want to be able to breathe once again.
But hey, even if I’m feeling unsure about my decisions in life, there will still be one that I never regret. And that is choosing to be with you.
I really hope I could gather enough courage to see you again, soon.
Love,
Hyun Ryu.