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Marriage.
A lifelong commitment to another person, or persons, theoretically for life.
It's in the vows: till death do us part. to love, to provide, to comfort, all that.
007n7 is getting married, theoretically.
Theoretically, because he's fucking terrified.
He has no idea why. He is perched on a stool precariously in some room away from the ceremony, waiting until it's his time to walk. He's in a pristine white suit with nice cufflinks and not a wrinkle in sight. More expensive than anything 007n7 owns. Everything should be fine, except it's not.
When 007e7 gets here, he'll walk him down the aisle, where he'll say his vows, exchange rings, kiss, and then get married for real. After that will be a (hopefully short) reception, and then they'll board a plane for their honeymoon. A place they both agreed on, warm but not terribly warm, long enough to have time alone and do what newly married couples do. Chess, he told c00lkidd, that's what they're going to do, and it will be boring and there will be no reason for c00lkidd to come.
Now, 007n7 doesn't know if he'll make it to the honeymoon. He can't even move his feet.
He's getting married to Guest 1337, his sweet, kind, strong, handsome fiancé. There's nobody else he would get married to.
It's not like this wasn't planned. He wanted this. Of course, he didn't mean to fall in love with Guest, and he wasn't expecting to like him so much to marry him, but life seems to love surprising him. He fantasized about this for longer than he'd like to admit. He even planned the song he'd walk to, a nice song that he and Guest dance to in the kitchen. All cheesy things that 007n7 would have cringed at, but longed for. They've done the boring parts too. The venue. The seating charts. The meals. The cake. That part was fun, taste testing with the kids and all. The bill was not. Weddings, even small ones, are expensive.
The date is circled in pink on the calendar in their kitchen, fixed on the fridge next to one of the kids' drawings. 007n7 would look at it and smile, playing with the engagement ring on his finger.
They both wore engagement rings, because they both proposed to each other. It was actually kind of cute. They had a nice dinner to celebrate a promotion 007n7 had at work, then a walk in the park, then they reached their front door and 007n7 got on his knee and Guest fainted.
Turns out, Guest also had a ring in his pocket, planning to propose as well. After a very justified freakout on 007n7's side, Guest had woken up and laughed about it. They both wore engagement rings. They are on the same page on everything, and what isn't everything they can talk out and come to a compromise.
They should be perfect together. They are perfect together, even if they aren't perfect.
And yet here he is, getting cold feet.
007n7 can't sit anymore. The stool is starting to wobble with his fidgeting. It would be remiss to fall and split his head open on his wedding day. He can just imagine the pretty white marble stained with blood. How tragic. He kind of hopes it happens, just to avoid what's ahead of him.
Instead, he taps his foot aggressively on the tiled floor. He starts to pace. He makes haphazard loops on the tile, trying to ignore the clicks of his dress shoes with every step. It pounds in his skull.
He wants to throw up. He wants to scream. He feels hot. He feels cold. He doesn't know what he's feeling. He doesn't feel anything.
007n7 tries to center himself by thinking about something else besides what could go wrong. What his mind conjures is a panoramic view of the ceremony: All white, with little white aisles with little people in a little church dedicated to Roblox, as in Guest culture. Guest wanted to pay homage to his heritage, even if he never was able to learn or live it.
They don't have many guests, no pun intended. They don't have many close friends, and they wanted a small ceremony anyway. Neither are the biggest fan of crowds. Guest has Matt, his best man, and Molly and some friends from the military. Daisy did not come, because it would be super awkward if she went to her ex-husband's second wedding — imagine if she did, oh God — but Charlotte is the flower girl. c00lkidd is the ring bearer. They were so excited when they were practicing. 007n7 doesn't want to disappoint their smiling faces.
007n7 invited 118o8, because they're close friends but also because c00lkidd would be bored and lonely without bluudud. A bored c00lkidd is a dangerous prospect. Same with 226w6 and Pr3tyPriincess. Maybe that was a mistake. Who knows what kind of trouble they'd get off too...
There's Elliot, who 007n7 invited to be polite and was shocked when he wanted to come. He supposes it's his fault for not remembering how nice Elliot can be, assuming he's coming for the right reasons of course. Not that he would, but 007n7 isn't counting anyone out right now. Mia is also coming, another ingredient in a potential disaster, not because she's trouble but because of the other kids.
And there's Noli.
He's 007n7's best man. Even though they are exes.
Another mistake, even though they've been friends longer than they were in a relationship. They were only dating in college, for a year at most — they had broken up a few times throughout — and 007n7 is in his thirties. It's been at least a decade, with many changes on both sides. Their relationship was toxic and they're better off at friends, but still. What if he objects or something? Confesses to some long-held desire for 007n7, of all people?
All these thoughts are fantasies, he knows. He must resist. Tell himself that it won't happen, or whatever his therapist told him. The problem is that in 007n7's anxiety-filled haze, it feels possible. He might be going insane, but he feels perfectly sane and rational.
It wasn't a question of whether Guest loves him or not; it was blatantly obvious that he does. He wouldn't have stayed this long if he didn't, unless this was some long-con, but 007n7 has nothing tangible to offer. What could he give him, c00lkidd's college fund? No, it's more nuanced than that; will he love 007n7 forever? Does 007n7 deserve Guest's unconditional love?
Does 007n7 love Guest enough to ruin him?
007n7 knows he's struggled throughout the years. Guest has helped him more times than he can count. What has he given Guest in return? Comfort, his mind supplies, company. You help him with his nightmares. You stay up with him when he can't sleep. You provide for him. You hold his hand and make him laugh.
Still, anyone could do that. Daisy must have, and now they're divorced. Not a good prospect. It's nothing compared to what Guest has done for 007n7.
Guest doesn't have to legally bind himself to 007n7 to get those benefits anyway. Guest was already married once, and he's been branded as a "divorcee" or whatever. A better person would have questioned Guest upon hearing that, while 007n7 only felt relief that Guest was available. He's swearing fidelity forever to 007n7, another man. A less than stable man, at that! They'll become one entity practically, from 007n7 and Guest to 007n7andGuest and marriage will be their entire personality, as it tends to happen. It must have happened to Daisy, and that's why she left.
007n7 can hear tapping on the roof. A quick look out the window answers 007n7's unsaid question — rain. It's raining. Despite being awfully bright outside, it's pouring.
Something breaks.
He needs to get out. He can't do this. All that hyping up and imagining must have been for nothing, because 007n7 can't do it. He just doesn't know how to leave.
He can't go out the doors. Someone will notice one of the grooms, even if he's not wearing his signature burger hat and pink glasses, especially if he's running out into the rain.
He looks at the window.
It's kind of like a prison window. His mind supplies memories of his short stays in cold jail cells, not helping his already terrified mind. It's high up, but not too high; he's sure he could get up there with a ladder. Big enough to squeeze through, if he really squeezes his core.
He looks at the stool.
He stands on the stool and opens the window. He's not really thinking about what he's doing, or that his limbs are very upset about the sudden exercise, or the consequences, or even the view. He just needs to get out, so his eyes quickly dart to the small latch. He bats his tie out of the way to stare more at the latch. Vinyl, cheap. Also white, like everything else in this fucking room. So focused 007n7 is on his goal of escape, that he forgets that his cousin is coming to get him any second now.
"Hey, they're all out there. you ready?" 007e7 opens the door without any fanfare, without his own red hat, but 007n7 knows he's wearing cufflinks with black ducks on them. Money can get you custom things like that. 007n7 does not have that kind of money. He can't give Guest any security. Now that they're getting married, they'll share a bank account, and 007n7's meager salary will provide for both of their expenses, a terrifying prospect.
He forgets that 007e7 is even there until he coughs.
"Uh... is there any reason why you're opening the window?"
"I'm checking the weather," 007n7 answers absentmindedly. His voice sounds detached and monotone. He feels detached. He slowly turns to 007e7, who is standing at the door and looking on with bemusement.
"It's an indoors wedding." 007e7 crosses his arms with a fond but worried look.
"It's raining. isn't that a sign of something?"
"But the sun's still out."
007n7 looks out the window. The sun is still out. There aren't that many clouds in the sky, but the rain still falls hard.
"Oh great, the witch is getting married." 007n7 forces himself to get down, careful to keep his shoes clean. His pants look a little ruffled. He sighs. He kind of wants to cry, and then feels stupid for wanting to cry, which makes him want to sob. "Maybe the devil's beating his wife! How exciting," he says instead, more hysterical than he would like. Luckily, 007e7 seems to chalk it up to pre-marriage-nerves.
"n7, it's fine. He's waiting for you..." jokes 007e7, singing his words in an off-key melody.
007n7 does not respond, gaze flitting throughout the room in search of something. Stability, maybe. A sign in either way. The groom himself does not know. However, the room is full of things, to the point of overstimulation. It's clearly meant for a bride, with closets and drawers and even a little vanity for 007n7 to glower at himself with. 007n7 is no bride.
Looking in the mirror, he can see himself wearing a haggard expression. He scrutinizes his reflection, letting his eyes trail from imperfection to imperfection. Admittedly, without his glasses he can't see much, but it's enough to make him ill. Then he focuses on 007e7's sheepish form. He doesn't look much better.
"Your tie."
"Huh?"
"It's all messed up, come'ere. Do you even know how to tie these things?" 007n7 chastises. It's not that hard to put on a tie. He figured that someone who's had better job prospects would know how to look presentable or maybe look up a tutorial for his cousin's wedding where he'll be walking him down the aisle at the bare minimum, but apparently not. His hands shake as he fixes 007e7's tie, and he curses when his grip fails. It's another thing to stress him out, this time finally causing a few tears to fall.
"Hey, hey, I'm sorry." 007e7's arms jump in a placating motion. His eyes are as wide as dinner plates, like the many they ordered for the reception. The reception, which will not happen now. More of a funeral than a wedding. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he grits out.
"You're not fine, and I know it isn't because of my tie."
007e7 seems content to stare at 007n7 until something happens. 007n7 learned his penchant for staring from 007e7, after all. It must be hereditary.
Something must give. 007n7 knows that it probably won't be 007e7, so he sighs and says whatever comes to mind.
"I'm scared."
007e7 quickly softens, looking at 007n7 with something dangerously close to pity and understanding.
"Of what?"
"I don't know."
They fall into silence.
007e7 is calculating what to say, while 007n7 stares at the floor helplessly. He really doesn't know, even if it sounded like a deterrent to hide something. He shuffles his shoes and fidgets, feeling the sweat on his brow trickle down. He wonders what time it is. He wonders where Guest is. His thoughts usually return to Guest, even when he wishes they wouldn't, like now.
"So, this is just my observations, but the guy loves you, man," 007e7 says sheepishly. He looks casual, hands in his pockets, but he eyes 007n7 with curiosity.
007n7 knows Guest loves him. 007e7 seems to think that it's the main issue, but maybe his perspective will reveal something. "And how do you know?"
"Well, don't get mad, but I had a little chat with him."
"You what", 007n7 snaps, his nervousness converted into frustration. "e7, I'm a grown man, I don't need you to pull a shotgun on him!"
"Hey, I didn't pull a shotgun on him! There’s nothing wrong with being careful. I was just curious!" 007e7 laughs, unthreatened by 007n7's anger, shrugging without care.
"I can make my own decisions." 007n7 hates not having autonomy, something 007e7 knows, so what was the point of such a visit?
"I know, I know, but I just wanted to know the man my cousin was so enamored with. Is that a crime?" 007e7 defends himself, and before 007n7 can give a rebuttal, he keeps rambling, "I swear, when he talked about you... his eyes lit up. Like, heart eyes. His smile was so wide, it took up his entire face."
"That's..." So cheesy... 007n7 is caught between wincing and grinning just as stupidly. He can picture it easily: Guest smiling subconsciously while sharing an embarrassing story about 007n7.
"I'm not lying. Don't be so cynical, n7. If you don't love him, obviously don't get married, but... he does love you. I doubt you're gonna scare him off that easily."
"Of course I love him." It was never a question. If he didn't love Guest, he would have never gone through with this wedding. He would have cut it off the moment things got too serious.
There were times when he wanted to end it, not because of a lack of love or any problems. Things were getting too good, too good to be true, and 007n7 was terrified for the other shoe to drop. Of course, 007n7 didn't, and he thought he killed those tendencies.
007n7 gulps and realizes something: "I know he'll stay."
This should reassure him. Instead, it scares him more.
"He can't. Oh God, he'd stay." The last words come out as a horrified whisper. He covers his mouth.
"Yeah? What's the problem?"
007n7 just looks at 007e7 helplessly.
007e7 raises an eyebrow.
Waiting. Of course, like 007n7 can word it in a way that doesn't sound stupid. 007n7 stares at the wall behind him, unwilling to see the judgment on 007e7's face.
He tries to reflect on his situation, but he can't make any sense. His analytical brain has checked out today it seems, leaving him with fears and vague memories and dreams.
"I burnt the toast the other day, and he ate it all happily. He thanked me. He kept smiling, he's always smiling when I'm with him. It's scary," he confesses.
"That's... sweet?"
"I know. He's too sweet, that's the problem. He doesn't know what's good for him."
"I think he knows what he's getting into. You live together." He frowns and his voice is sharp. He tries to keep his voice down, but it rises anyway, audible enough to boom through the small room.
007e7's getting frustrated. Something like satisfaction grows in 007n7's heart, even though he knows he's sabotaging himself. 007e7 could never understand why he feels this way, when everything seems so perfect and right.
Everything seemed perfect and right mere hours ago to 007n7.
All his previous concerns melt away. He loves Guest and Guest loves him. They love each other enough to work through the terrors of life together, as they have. So why is this scaring him? He wasn't scared before, throughout all the planning and the 'are you sure's and 'is this what you really want, Seven?'s and the engagement and watching the days count down. Not even when he woke up or on the ride to the venue. He had no substantial second thoughts, and the small ones were quickly talked out. It felt very real then, in a good way, like all his dreams have come true.
Is this a commitment thing? It's probably a commitment thing. But why is he scared of commitment now?
He tries to articulate something, but his mind is mush, a slurry of therapy-speak that's been beaten into him and self-degrading thoughts, fears and solutions and everything in between.
"I think he's beautiful, inside and out, and I don't think I am," 007n7 admits quietly. He can't look at 007e7, fearing his reaction. 007e7 does not know the depths of 007n7's struggles with self-hatred and he most likely never will. He doesn't know what 007e7 will say about a slight hint of a lack of self-worth.
007e7 is quiet for a bit, but his eyes say more than his words do. He stares at 007n7 for a moment, squinting and "So? He wants you."
"But—"
"If that's what's keeping you from marrying him, you're keeping yourself from happiness... and destroying his happiness."
"I... I love him too much to ruin him, happy or not."
"You're not ruining him, n7! Have you been listening? He wants you. He's better with you, and you with him."
007n7's lips purse. He looks down at his own body, at the white suit he and Guest picked out together. He can imagine Guest at the altar with his own suit, turning to 007n7 in joy.
He can imagine Guest's disappointment if 007n7 never walks. He's always believed in 007n7, even when 007n7 never believed in himself, and he would still wait for 007n7. He would stand there, alone, staring forlornly at the doors, forever waiting.
It breaks his heart a little.
While 007n7 tries not to cry, 007e7 comes up with a conclusion.
"I mean, the commitment is a lot, but you'll still be the same person. Besides, you already live together. You have kids."
"Not together." 007n7 regrets the quip the moment it leaves his mouth.
"I heard c00lkidd call Guest papa"
"He does call him that, doesn't he..." 007n7 briefly lapses into positive memories for once. Guest is a wonderful parent to Charlotte, and an excellent stepparent to c00lkidd. Somehow, Guest had won c00lkidd's affections, a difficult feat for many. Guest and Charlotte had easily fit into 007n7 and c00lkidd's lives, becoming one family. It was why marriage seemed like such an obvious step to take.
"You two fit together. I don't think getting married is going to ruin that." 007e7 playfully narrows his eyes and points at 007n7's chest, but there is a veiled threat glimmering in them. "And I don't think because you are getting married means that it's gonna spoil the whole thing.
007e7 attaches a flower to 007n7's breast pocket. A blue rose.
"...I forgot about that."
"Next time, check yourself before you get on someone else's case."
"Hey, that tie was horrendous. Nobody's gonna care about a missing flower."
"It wasn't."
"It was shit."
007e7 gasps. "Okay, Mr. 'tried to climb out of a window.'"
007n7 flushes but keeps grinning. "You can't insult the groom on his wedding day, e7."
"Says who?"
"Says me." 007n7 grins genuinely for the first time since stepping into the venue.
"Yeah right, stop acting like you weren't gonna jump out of the window man."
"Listen—"
"Don't sabotage yourself, 007n7. you deserve love. and frankly, if you stand a man this good up on your wedding day, I have the right to call you stupid." The corner of 007e7's lips rise, both at the prospect of making fun of 007n7 and from the joyous event at hand.
"I'm already pretty stupid, but thank you."
"Come on, n7," 007e7 laughs along and pats 007n7's back, but he stares with the same gravitas as before. It's heavy, but with enough care to be comforting. "If you love him, don't let him go."
"I won't." 007n7 sighs, dreamily this time. His demeanor shifts as a rush of nervous excitement fills him, instead of frantic fear. He clasps his hands. "...I'm getting married."
"Yeah, you are." 007e7 breaks into a smile.
"And he's so good, isn't he! So good..." It feels surreal, in a good way now. "Oh, we should get going, I don't know what time it is, you got a watch?"
"Relax, we have to go..." 007e7 pales. "Like, now. I was supposed to get you immediately."
"Immediately?"
"Immediately." 007e7 nods aggressively.
They both curse.
The two speed walk out of the room and down the halls to the ceremony, both smiling wide the entire time.
When 007n7 tells the story of his wedding, he'll preface it with a fervent disclaimer about the institutions of marriage and overtly-sappy-and-sentimental-fairytales-sold-to-you-by-the-media, all in one breath. Guest will laugh, leaning into 007n7's side, but listen with rapt attention every time. And every time, 007n7 will look at Guest and smile just as fond as the day they became one.
Of course, 007n7 doesn't know that yet. He's standing behind white doors, holding 007e7's arm. There are some hairs out of place. 007n7 has to squint to see without his glasses. He's sure there's some other imperfection tarnishing his image, but he does not care.
The attendees turn to look at him as the doors open. All blurs, both literally and metaphorically. It doesn't matter who is watching. Music plays. The road to happiness is covered in flower petals.
007n7 walks down the aisle, and he can only see him.
For some reason, he thinks Guest can say the same. His eyes are wide and misty, with a broad smile that looks like it's going to burst, wobbly and tender.
007n7 starts to cry.
This is the man who has stayed by him and will continue to stay by him. The man who 007n7 can rely on, and who can rely on 007n7.
007n7 loves Guest 1337, and Guest 1337 loves 007n7, marriage or not.
That will never change.