Chapter Text
Chapter 1- Quiet admitting
Floating had been nice- her body was relaxed and she had been calm; waking up- yet again- because she feared she’s falling is -however- not as pleasant.
Christina awakes with a sudden twitch, opening her eyes quickly and breathing heavily.
She had no idea whether her dream had anything to do with having been in space or not, but this was now the fourth time within a week that she woke up because of the same dream.
She thought she was falling- but it wasn't the regular falling dream anybody has had at least once. She fell directly through the ground into the black void- but she fell with such an intensity that even now, sitting in her bed, she feared she might fall right through her bed, just like she fell through the ground. Was it even falling? It felt like being sucked into whatever that all surrounding blackness was.
It didn’t feel like space- to her, space always felt calm- amazingly vast and kind of terrifying, but being in Orion or the ISS always made her feel calm.
That's why she didn’t believe that that dream had anything to do with her latest mission, yet it still made her feel uneasy.
“Alright whatever..” she mumbles as she´s checking her phone.
3:51 am- still too early to wake up but also a little too late to refuse to even think about doing anything else. She glances towards her nightstand- a book she´s been meaning to read forever sitting there, still untouched.
But even though she knows it might help her to fall asleep again, she checks her messages and decides that today- yet again- would not be the night she finally starts reading again.
Instead she makes herself comfy between the huge silky pillows on her bed and answeres her mom and brother that yes she’d come visit all of them next week when her schedule had cleared a bit and that she’s also excited to see all them and all of her nieces and nephews again.
It's strange- she had only been away for ten days but her return back home had felt almost like stepping into a place you once visited years ago and that had now changed completely. Which is funny, because actually nothing had changed.
Her friends are still her friends, her family is still there, she still lives in her house, still enjoys everything she enjoyed prior to launch too- but still, life feels different now.
Sure, being invited to a late-night-talkshow or having a chat with Oprah was something that she did not think of ever having the honour to do, attending interviews and podcasts aside from the official NASA Press conference was somewhat strange yet exciting but even that was not the reason she’s been feeling a little estranged from her prior activity as just an astronaut.
Just an astronaut who had been training hard, who was just meaning to do their job- now she wasn’t just an astronaut, and scrolling through her Instagram notifications made her realise that, once more. Within a few weeks she had become the astronaut.
The Christina H. Koch.
A mixture of shyness and something way deeper, way warmer settles in her chest, as she really begins to think about all of it.
To think about the things her family has made her try to realise, that behind every joke or comment from Jeremy, there was also truth.
That there was a reason she answered the same questions just in different fonts again and again- because people actually care.
They care about Artemis, space itself, their crew- yes, people care- but even though she´s been trying her best to ignore it, now in the middle of the night, with nothing to do but to refuse to read or actually get up, Christina can’t help but to start to think about the last few weeks.
About coming home, settling back into her life, about the attention she noticed the whole crew and mission was getting. Newspapers, radios, podcasts, talkshows- everybody has been wanting to get a hold of them.
NASA packed their schedules, somewhere between the medical check-ups, actually getting used to gravity and trying to adapt to life again- they were touring New York, made an appearance in the White House or were sitting in conferences and shows. And even though life has been busy she still noticed that the questions interviewers asked her directly often had something to do with what they, as a crew, think their mission has had an impact on children- and specifically, girls.
She liked answering every question, because that’s what comes along with being an astronaut, but slowly those interviews made her realise that it was not only the mission itself that made an impact- but her. Every time she was asked “What do you want to say to young girls out there wanting to become an astronaut?” “Do you have any advice for young people? What helped you become an astronaut?” she realised that question by question, the interviewers wanted more than just generic advice, they wanted her, Christina’s advice.
Because it was her, that most people felt drawn to. It was her that made an impact.
Her, as a woman, as someone who never gave up- it was Christina that made an impact-
Perhaps even the most.
And slowly, as she’s thinking about that- finally actually thinking and realising that, not denying it but accepting that that state had become reality now- she feels her chest start to glow. Well, it doesn’t actually glow, but the warmth that now radiates through her chest and slowly makes its way through her entire body makes her think it might start anytime soon.
Her fingers have been hovering over the little heart in the upper right corner of her Instagram profile the whole time, it was constantly showing that little dot, indicating new likes or comments under her posts. It had been days since she last checked her notifications, because even though she felt the shift, she did not feel comfortable with it yet.
Now however, sitting in her bed, being allowed to accept reality on her own terms, slowly and controlled- she finally clicks on it.
She starts to scroll, starts to see the many, many new likes she still received on her photos- no matter how long it had been since she uploaded them.
Seeing that the pictures she deliberately shared years ago have now suddenly become something that thousands of people were taking an interest in made her feel the same shyness she has been feeling for the last weeks now. But somehow she was also smiling. Because yes, it is somewhat scary to come back to earth and suddenly be somewhat of a famous astronaut, but -she finally admits- it also feels kind of nice.
Slowly, she starts scrolling through her likes and comments, starts reading the kind words, seeing hearts upon hearts, sparkle emojis, moon and rockets and peculiar nicknames.
The first ones she lets slide- but moonmommy is one too many.
She furrows her browns and slightly clenches her jaw. “Moonmommy? Really??”
She decides to scroll past that- to not think about it- but she fails miserably.
“Moonmommy..” she repeats silently to herself. It irritates her at first but with every time that she repeats it, the nickname begins to resonate more and more with her.
By the time she could laugh about it, she decided to send a screenshot to their crew groupchat. “Seems like I got a new nickname” she adds.
Already closing the messenger again, she proceeds to look at more of the stuff she finds online. There’s one particular conversation under one of her posts that sparks her attention- to be honest; it isn’t that different from most of the others, it’s just that the end of the comment is flagged with a hashtag- #ChristinaKoch.
Without thinking more of it, she clicks on it and is -for whatever reason- surprised to see hundreds of pictures of herself. Old pictures; pictures she hadn’t seen for years.
“Okay what the hell…” clearly some were copied form her old Facebook account, some were now blown up posts from family and friends. She scrolls through them until slowly she enters a different bubble; now the pictures and slideshows are not about them as a crew or her as a single person only, slowly but surely there appear more and more pictures that seem to try to link Christina and Reid with one another.
“Christina and Reid matching outfits”- followed by a picture of them standing close together, Reid’s tie matching her blouse.
“Huh? I didn’t even notice” she thinks, not yet realising what's about to come. She scrolls and sees the next video, a slowed down version of them joking around in interviews and Reid playfully smacking her thigh, followed by several pictures and short clips of Reid watching Christina. Or so she thinks. By now she’s been scrolling for so long, she doesn’t even question her own choices anymore; she opens the comments and reads “parents”, “THEY’RE SO CUTE OMG” or “look at the way he admires her!! “
“Okay what?” Now she’s hooked. “Admiring? Me?” She thinks. “Yeah right, I guess that’s my sign- enough internet for today.”
With that she closes Instagram and stretches and relaxes her forehead, which she had tensed somewhere between seeing the edit and reading the comments.
She looks around her room, unsure what to think about the latest encounter.
It’s not a conscious decision, but seconds after putting her phone away she finds herself holding it in her hand again and rewatching the video.
And another one, and the next one. It´s weird or maybe even funny at first, but the more different clips she sees, the quieter her inner laughter becomes. Because while she knows things the internet doesn’t, the internet seems to see things, she didn’t.
“He really looks at me a lot..” she admits- “okay but I mean that´s just the way it's always been.”
It is just then that she receives a message from their group chat; Integrity.
“MoonMommy, huh?” Jeremy said, adding a smirking emoji.
“I guess so..” Christina answered.
“Interesting.” Jeremy adds, not explaining any further- and even though she’s been awake for a while now; it’s still too early for her to ask him to explain further; even if she has to admit to agree.
Interesting really is a suitable statement. Not only for the nickname, but for the entire situation she finds herself in.
Still adjusting to her new somewhat public, somewhat private life, seeing herself on the internet and now being the target of fancy nicknames and- according to far too many people for her liking- Reid’s crush.
She doesn’t want to think about it- or anything of that matter now- sleep has finally creeped upon her and as she falls asleep, her phone slips out of her hand- but the videos she had just seen about Reid and her stay in her head, slowly making their way directly into her next dream- this time without falling through the ground, but maybe towards something else.
Or someone´s safety.