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The first time Jumin recognized that his heart didn't work properly was the day he met his new stepmother.
His father had practically jumped on the chance to have a new wife once Jumin's mother, a woman he held onto for dear life, had left for good. She had grown fed up with the lifestyle of being on top with a playboy of a man who didn't seem as interested in parenting as he should. She had an amazing position in one of their sibling businesses, and began a tour of the world. Jumin grew up around luxury and business, learning it instead of the normal things a child his age would learn. He was not taught like a normal student, learning in private institutes and through tutors at home as he was needed to help where he could at home and at his father's business.
Life for him was upside down, right-side up, and bent over backward at the oddest angle. He saw his father as a decent man with a heart under all the business, occasional scowling, and passed around wine glasses. He cared where he could, giving him gifts and opportunities to fine tune his abilities as a budding business boy, as he fondly put it whenever he was paraded around at one of his father's parties.
His stepmother, his father's second wife, stole his mother's name. He didn't like that.
However, he felt nothing for the woman as she so boldly smiled and told him she would love him ad he would do the same back. She would give him everything and anything as long as his father approved.
He would ask questions, and the answers wouldn't really change.
He felt nothing. Maybe some annoyance, perhaps some disdain, but otherwise nothing inside him would react at the actions and words of his woman. A woman who so boldly took his mother's name in vain, and covered it in a false smile and wicked ideals. He had witnessed other student's vehemently hate their stepmothers or stepfathers, going out of their way to show their love or hate for the invading person joining their family through marital means. He asked one of his teachers if it was normal for one to feel so empty and blank, to have no emotions but perhaps some minor flashes, on the subject.
His teacher simply told him not to worry, and did not give him a real answer.
He adjusted his awful bowtie, grimacing at his reflection. He hated bowties, and his stepmother had insisted that it would look better then a normal tie. His father, so eager to please, had agreed despite his own position on the debate between a normal tie and a bowtie. As young as he was, a tender age of ten, the bowtie simply made him look stupid.
He stuffed a normal tie into his suit jacket's pockets, and hoped it wouldn't wrinkle or twist out of shape during the dinner tonight with his family, and his father's closest friends.
He would make time to replace his ridiculous bowtie with a real one.
The second time Jumin recognized that his heart didn't work properly was the day he had left for university.
He had chosen to go out of South Korea for his higher education for several reasons, ones he wasn't willing to give up to his family just yet. Some were logical, based on the performances of the schools, test scores, opportunities for jobs and experience and such, but others were unusually personal.
He was met at the airport to the sight of his younger siblings, totaling now a biological younger sister and three step brothers, his father, and his father's newest girlfriend. His stepmother was nowhere to be found. His actual mother was not there either.
It was awkward saying goodbye to all of them, especially as paparazzi attempted to record and photograph the entire ordeal and the now growing family behind the Chairman of C & R. It had been a rather big media bomb when Jumin let slip that he had decided on pursuing higher education outside the borders of the country. It had been a hit to the pride of the universities in the region that they could not host the heir of the company Chairman Han lead, but it was big enough to draw more reporters then ever. Security surrounded them as he bid them all goodbye, promising to write and message when he could find the time, and even vaguely promising his youngest step brother that he would bring home something.
His sister was neither misty eyed like their siblings, nor looking forlornly like his father. She was beaming, practically giddy to see him leave, however he knew the true reason to her joy.
They were children of Chairman Han's first wife. They were alone in wishing for their mother to return, for the life before their father began running for more and more. She was smiling in celebration that one of them got the chance to escape. His sister's hug was welcomed warmly unlike the others.
She was becoming a young woman quicker then he hoped, but he trusted his sister. She may only be two years younger then him, a proud girl in high school, but she held his same adult-like bearings he held now proudly eighteen.
"If by any chance you see her while you're there... take pictures, okay?" she asked as they drew away.
He gave her a smile, a rare gift that had his oldest step brother gasping at the sight. More cameras flashed.
"I'll send pictures, and perhaps even persuade her to come home."
His sister chuckled. "That's a nice sentiment, but we both know that's impossible."
"Improbable at best. Don't be so pessimistic. If I put my mind to it, I will accomplish the impossible."
She heaved a soft sigh, patting his arm before holding onto it for a moment, looking up to his eyes.
"Don't be a stranger, okay?"
"I'll do my best."
"I know you will."
His sister stepped back respectfully as their father came forward, flashing that warm and celebratory smile once again. There was hope in her eyes, regardless if Jumin ever saw their mother while he was studying or not. He was escaping for a few years to get his education out of the hands of his father.
He had felt appreciative with his step siblings, and warm with his sister, but as his father approached, he felt nothing but chills for the first time.
"If you need anything, let me know. I'm a phone call away."
Jumin nodded, looking to his gate. He gathered his luggage in one hand, knowing the rest was already being shipped or boarded on his plane, and looked back to his family. His younger step-siblings collected around the girlfriend that came in place of his stepmother. His sister gave him one last large beaming smile, which he returned with a small smile. His father nodded, a small unspoken conversation made. He nodded in return.
"I'll try to visit as often as my schedule allows for. Don't fret over me. I'll see you all sometime soon."
He turned his back, and walked toward the gate. The chills from before, from facing his father once more, continued to run through his spine and limbs. They did not disappear until the plane had taken off, and was beginning to climb out of Korean airspace.
He sunk back into his seat, and let his eyes close.
It would be a long flight, and he hoped he didn't spend anymore time reflecting on the goodbyes of his family.
The third time Jumin realized his heart wasn't ever going to work properly again was the day he met Zen.
Rika and V had shared with him specific coordinates to meet this 'up and coming' musical actor they thought could get a major boost if he went through his business and his connections. He wasn't the biggest fan of musicals, but he would help as best as he could for his friends. The situation seemed somewhat dire for this actor. Living paycheck to paycheck, fighting and working constantly to keep something of a roof over his head and some food on his plate. A 'diamond in the rough', as Rika had so called this 'Zen' actor. Tucked away in small musical theater groups, travelling and constantly hunting for bigger roles, his situation sounded simply plain, but he would heed the call of his friends.
This set of coordinates put him in the mountains outside of the city, a rather isolated spot nestled against the rock faces and hidden by trees. Apparently, from certain photos he was able to obtain, it was an isolated sightseeing spot, an observatory to get a good look at the city from a new, fresh angle. It felt odd to label it a tourist spot since it was rather isolated, and seemed to be anything but used as the dirt road his car road along was unkempt and partly filled with potholes that rattled him.
It was an unsettling ride up, but when he arrived he was caught off guard by the location.
Isolated, quiet, and beautiful. It was a small slice of silent paradise in the backdrop of their city, something unexpected as the city limits sought to expand as the years passed. He instructed his kind driver to stay put as he stepped into the clearing, curious as to how Zen had discovered such a spot. His eyes then came to the motorcycle parked close by, the pieces of the puzzle coming together. Why would an actor ride such a dangerous motor vehicle? Why would he risk hurting himself, or perhaps was there more to this tense story?
Why did he care?
Emotions. Curiosity. A day of firsts, so far. How curious, indeed.
It was then that he turned his attention to the view. A small bridge connected a cracked ledge, revealing through the treeline the beauty of the city from their standpoint. It showed off every building they could see to the other side of the city. The tall buildings of the main districts shot up into the sky and touched the mountains on the other side of the city, the protection from the earth. Even from this distance he could spot the tall skyscraper that was C & R Headquarters. It was absolutely stunning, and he hadn't expected it to momentarily take his breath away.
How long had it been since he took the time to marvel at something? How long had it been since he simply relaxed?
"So you're Jumin Han, huh?"
A curious sound made it through his lips as Jumin turned to the source of the rather rich sounding voice. Leaning along the balcony of the bridge was a tall white-haired male, dressed up in some soft of mock costume of a suit, if he could somehow describe it like such. It was an odd choice, with an odd jacket. Somehow, it seemed to fit his attractive face, and almost piercing red eyes.
"And you are Zen, then?"
"Indeed I am," Zen replied, flashing a firm smile at him, "Nice to see you actually showed up, Jumin."
He looked back at his observations, wrinkling his nose and somehow souring the expression on Zen's face.
Attractive, a rich voice, piercing eyes. What odd word choices when he was simply observing a rather impressive man-
Curious. He was extremely curious now. This man had charmed not just V, but Rika as well from the start?
He could almost hear his heart beat in his ears.
His curiosity could only seem to grow.
"So, Jumin. I've been told you could somehow help me...? Care to explain?"
For the first time in years, he found himself smiling.
"I have a lot of ways I could help you, Zen, if you'll let me explain."
"I guess I don't see an issue with listening."
That was most definitely his heart pounding in his ears.
The fourth time Jumin realized his heart had too many scars was when he returned to that fateful spot again.
"Did you just laugh right now?"
Jumin looked to his left, almost fondly, and smiled. The bubble of laughter that came with surprising Zen with a joke hadn't gone away yet, and seemed to make him feel higher, warmer.
"Yes. I haven't laughed in a long time."
He had laughed before, but not in any sort of sincere manner. His real laugh, one he had just let Zen listen to, was not one to make in appearance ever. He remembered the last time he gave a real genuine laugh. It had been almost four years ago. V had coaxed the laughter out of him with a story of something happening in front of him as they talked over the phone. He had been in Europe at the time getting in a year of additional classes he felt would help him in the future, then.
This felt natural and welcomed and warm. He was simply bantering with Zen, a man he had come to simply be annoyed with. It was returning to the warm feeling he had when he had first met him two years ago in this same place. Zen was having fun poking fun at him, and Jumin had to admit he was having fun poking back at Zen.
This was enjoyable. He didn't want to lose this moment in the slightest.
"You know, if you had told me you would come up here to actually smile and joke with me like a normal human, I would have slapped you and maybe suspect you were on drugs."
Jumin gave a weak chuckle. "You wouldn't be able to touch me if you tried."
"You're right. Maybe slapping you wouldn't snap you out of a delirious episode like that. What would work then?"
"Nothing would," Jumin stated, "Because I wouldn't need to be snapped out of any delirium."
Zen shook his head, looking out into the distance. "Don't know if that scares me or makes me happy knowing you're willing to be this... normal for me."
The sound of his heartbeat pounded away in his ears once again. Had it been two years already since this same incident happened here? He had brushed off the warmth of their meeting and the odd burning in his chest as nothing more then rude fluctuations in his person, a mistake made by his body in reaction to normal stimuli. It was a reaction to something new, and that was the end of it for him. Emotions meant nothing, relations weren't needed beyond the boardroom, and connections were only useful in transactions.
But he knew better. The only other person who knew like himself was V.
He was afraid. Perhaps not afraid, but more withdrawn to the idea of being emotional and welcoming and friendly.
He grew up in a world that valued business and tense relations over emotions and truth. He lived in a place high above the normalcy of life, one that forbade any sort of weakness less you be pushed off the edge and abandoned to the dirt of the real world. In the world he lived in, emotions of any kind were illogical and ill-advised. His whole life revolved around the comings and goings of women in his father's life, all of whom had the same answers to his curious questions. They never changed, and he found it painful to show emotion to their robotic and scripted responses.
Once he learned that lesson, he never let it go.
Perhaps, for this moment, he could lower the walls. Just a smudge.
"I had hoped it would make you happy."
Zen laughed gently, looking at him finally, red eyes scanning Jumin's small smile and quietly intrigued expression.
"Congrats, then. You got your hope."
The fifth time Jumin looked to his heart and found it beating again was when it was too late.
The night of the party arrived with the glowing lights of the chosen meeting hall and the sound of laughter and music rolling through the rooms. Media buzzed about even though the press conference had finished hours ago and the rampage around Zen's callout of Echo Girl's blatant lies had begun to lower its boil. Jumin had been nursing a glass of wine since the high of the press conference had dropped down, casually speaking with the CEOs and startup businesses that had been invited by their gracious party planner.
A hole nestled itself in his chest, opening up and growing the pain that had been growing.
He knew that their planner and Zen had been flirting constantly, but the lack of attention to the relationship had him thinking perhaps his assumptions of a relationship were lacking and false.
His heart, scarred and scared as it was, painfully thumped in his chest.
It called for the red-eyed actor, as much as the idea excited and scared him.
He wandered out from his spot on the wall, moving further into the main hall, ignoring the hands of woman trying to pull his attention and members of businesses trying to speak to him. His thoughts were preoccupied, and business didn't want to be conducted. He set his drained glass at the bar, thanking the bartender as she took it from his fingers, and made his way to the doors into another hall.
Perhaps tonight... he could let a scar or two heal. He could find a way to admit, somehow, to Zen that something had developed. It would be difficult, of course, but he had a feeling that it wouldn't be too difficult considering his actions in the messenger. Seven had constantly joked about them acting like a married couple, and their new member wasn't blind to the obvious teasing and hidden flirting either.
It wouldn't be that bad to open up and try, would it?
He turned the corner down the next silent hallway, and froze.
About halfway down the hall stood Zen and their new member, locked in a private and tender embrace. Ignorant to the world, and to the dwindling party, the duo shared an intimate moment, and an intimate kiss.
A new scar formed instantly, and the doors that had begun to open closed without hesitation.
He could just barely murmur a polite 'Forgive me for the intrusion' before every inch of his body screamed to abandon hope and run away. Jumin turned on his heels, ignoring his name as it was called from behind his back. He ignored the nickname he knew only Zen used for him as it was yelled at him from a distance, just hoping he could keep the obviously painful tears burning his eyes from falling down his cheeks.
He ignored the pain that shot through him when Zen cried out his full name, and closed the door he had desperately opened to escape it all.
His fingers fumbled for the lock, but they found purchase, thankfully.
Lesson learned.
No matter what his heart wasn't ready for love, for it could barely handle rejection. His heart felt ready to burn itself alive, twist itself into painful knots, and disappear into oblivion. He hadn't felt this painful of a fire roll through him from his heart in a long, long time.
He let a tear slip down his cheek.
He ignored the pounding behind his back.
His was right from the start to keep his heart and feelings locked away, purged from his system.
They were nothing but trespassers that could only steal everything and leave lasting wounds.
"JUMIN, GOD DAMN IT-"
Trespassers weren't allowed on private property.
He laughed quietly, but the sound came out as a pain-choked gasp. The pounding continued, the cries of his name, but they didn't matter as he felt the scar burn and let his pain curl through his being and remind him of the most powerful truth.
Emotions are worthless.
"How foolish..."