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Nothing, not even all the hard won battles in his whole life could have prepared him for this moment.
It was supposed to be a happy occasion! After so many years of being the butt of the joke, he finally had the opportunity to introduce his girlfriend to his family. A feat that, since he was fourteen, he didn't even think would have come true. Now he sat there, wide eyed, head buzzing, hands clammy, and sweat starting to fall down the sides of his face as he faced his greatest enemy. It was like staring down the barrel of a gun, hell, he would've preferred that than this.
Childe slowly turned his head to the side. The others hadn't noticed his dilemma, too busy chatting and laughing about nonsense within their conversations. He turned back to look at the enemy before him; hot, steaming, the perfect meal in different, more private circumstances. This was only a small part of the problem, the bigger danger was that which awaited him next to his bowl on the table. Long, slender, and unassuming at first glance; it mocked him from where it laid, it always did.
Who could've decided to have Liyuean food for this momentous occasion? And in front of his family? Who could've—
“Your food is getting cold.”
Childe snapped out of his spiral and looked up. There she sat, observant, honey eyes sparkling and filled with mirth. She looked at him like she had won an enormous boon; that shit-eating grin she sported was haunting.
Why did she watch him like that? Did she have a hand in his undoing? What could be the reason? What—
“Is this still about the cake!?” Childe hissed at Lumine as realization finally hit him, “you do me like this, Lumine, in front of my family, over a slice of cake?”
“Do you know how long I waited for that slice?” Lumine hissed back, “two months, Ajax! Two whole months!”
“It was just cake!”
“It's Gateau Debord!”
Ah, he should've seen this coming. Childe knew Lumine could hold a grudge like no one's business, but he didn't think she would go this far. Not like this.
It was an innocent mistake, Childe swore it was. He had just gotten home after being gone for a few weeks on a mission. His bones ached, his eyelids drooped, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Then he spotted it. A handsome slice of cake, just sitting on top of the kitchen counter. It looked to be alone and there was no note of ownership that he could spot. Childe figured that Lumine had left it out for him; how thoughtful was she, right? If only he had waited a few more seconds, then he could've avoided this whole thing.
Lumine's face twisted in horror as she walked into the kitchen and found her long-awaited dessert being devoured by her boyfriend. The argument that followed after was comical at best and now, a whole month after the incident, Childe was faced with Lumine's torture.
“Son? Is everything okay?”
Childe turned his head to look at his father. The older man's eyebrow was raised in suspicion at his mischievous son.
“Everything's fine,” Childe answered quickly in an attempt to play off his distress, “just clearing some things up with Lumine.”
“Hm, well at least eat your food,” Childe's father replied, “Lumine made an excellent dinner and it is rude to waste it.”
There were very few moments in his life that Childe could readily say he had been humiliated. People often think his biggest one was when he was beaten by Lumine, when actually that was his best moment. No, Childe's biggest humiliation, one that he at that moment swore never to tell anyone, was watching his father, a man who had never heard the word “finesse,” do what the harbinger could not. Childe sat there gobsmacked as he watched the man eat his food in a way that made it look like he had done this all his life. He then glanced over to the others hoping it was just a fluke. It was not.
His mother had no problem, his older siblings—who only came because they wanted to see if Lumine was even real—ate fine. Tonia and Anthon, it was like second nature to them. Even Teucer, his innocent little brother, the one who was always in his corner, ate without issue. The audacity!
“You know, your family is really quick to learn how to eat Liyuean food,” Lumine taunted, “It only took me a few minutes before dinner to show them. I'm surprised you haven't since you're the expert and all.”
Childe pressed his lips into a very thin line. Oh, she was enjoying this, he thought. To think Lumine would use his biggest secret against him. What a schemer and over cake? He could understand if it were Paimon, but Lumine?
Whatever, he could get past this betrayal. He was after all Tartaglia, number eleven of the Fatui Harbingers, The Tsaritsa's weapon of war; he could overcome this. This was nothing! Just a setback. If Lumine wanted war then he'll show her he was not to be messed with and he'll show those torture devices who was their master!
Childe took a deep breath and the fight was on.
His hand trembled slightly as he took up his handicap. All these years later and he still had this issue, annoying. His eyes narrowed as he stared down the chosen battlefield. Dragon beard noodles, oh Lumine had put him in difficult terrain, but any seasoned warrior knew how to adjust, he couldn't go straight to the noodles. No, Childe had to go about this strategically. Something bigger and easier to grab, something that would fool Lumine long enough for him to appear that he had won. The chicken, yes, the chicken will be his path to victory.
Childe looked up and smirked at Lumine. Her little plan had no chance of succeeding now! He directed his hand over his chosen piece of meat and with some skill (and a whole lot of luck) managed to pick up the food.
The taste of victory was near! The piece of perfectly cooked chicken was mere centimeters away from his mouth. Childe couldn't believe his luck, usually about that point something went wrong. Then it happened. His hand slipped. The chicken flew skywards, and Childe saw his whole life flash before his eyes.
“Ah,” Childe thought as he watched the chicken piece flip in the air, “this is how I lose.”
Broth splashed everywhere, noodles sent flying to the walls, Childe's older brother was smacked right in the face with a mushroom. The family turned their faces to the harbinger, upset that he had ruined dinner. Lumine on the other hand struggled with catching her breath; her face turning red as she tried to hold in her laugh. Childe put down his utensil and sighed.
“I hate chopsticks.”