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Every step towards Julius’ quarters felt like walking to the gallows.
Subaru gripped the hem of his tracksuit, taking another shuddering breath. His palms were so slick with nervous sweat the fabric kept slipping out of his hands. His throat felt completely dry, each reminder of what he was going to do making him feel like he had swallowed a handful of sand.
‘You can still turn around,’ the voice in his head whispered, a toxic loop he had been stuck in for the past month. ‘Just tell him you forgot a book. Or that you’re relaying a message. Tell him literally anything else.’
But he couldn’t. He absolutely could not back down now. If he did, he would never have the guts to do it again. He’d spend the rest of his life in agonizing pain, the pang of jealousy for Anastasia-sama, the wishful thinking when they stood a little closer than normal, and most importantly, the regret. If he did not tell Julius, he would spend the rest of his life wishing he had at least heard a rejection. Anything to stop the hopeless spiral that invaded his thoughts every day.
He stopped in front of the door. Screw it. Screw everything! Just do it!
Before he could overthink it, Subaru knocked twice, and pushed the door open before he could even wait for an invitation. His legs felt like jelly. Every step felt like he would topple over, putting his utmost effort to stay upright.
But as he took in the form of Julius sitting there, his resolve crumbled. Julius, whose form was drowned in the afternoon sun, making his lavender locks look more lilac. Whose amber eyes glittered with something Subaru desperately hoped was longing when they met his own. Whose posture was so immaculate, whose demeanor was so calm, who was utterly beyond his reach; Julius Juukulius.
“Subaru?” Julius lowered his quill, amber eyes blinking in mild surprise as he took in Subaru’s tense posture. “Is something amiss? You have been uncharacteristically quiet since you arrived.”
“Yeah. Well, no… I mean everything’s fine, but I need to say something.” Subaru blurted out, stepping closer to the desk, his body moving on autopilot. Shit. He was really doing it. There was no going back now. He clenched his fists, knuckles turning white. “And if I don’t say it right now, I’m gonna chicken out and hate myself forever, so just…” Subaru took a deep, deep breath. “Don’t interrupt me, okay?”
Julius’ expression softened into an attentive, patient look that only made Subaru’s stomach twist with butterflies. “Very well. You have my undivided attention.”
“Right. Okay.” Subaru bit his lip, swallowing hard. His eyes darted around the room, anxiety making it hard to focus on Julius’ beautiful, beautiful eyes that were staring at him. “I…” He started, taking in a shuddering breath to calm the dread heavy in his chest.
“I like you Julius. And I don’t mean ‘you’re an amazing friend,’ or ‘thanks for saving my life.’ I-I mean like, I’m completely, ridiculously in love with you. I wanna be with you. Like, together together.”
“...”
“...”
The silence that followed was suffocating. Each second that ticked by made each inhale feel like breathing in water. This fucking bastard. He couldn’t say anything? Subaru braced himself for a rejection, gripping the fabric of his tracksuit, wrinkling it.
Julius froze, shoulders stiffening into a rigid posture. “I see,” Julius said after an agonizingly long pause. He reached out to organize his papers. “Subaru, I think it is best if we–”
“Are you serious?” Subaru’s panic instantly turned into anguish that manifested as defensive anger. He didn’t want to hear what Julius was going to say next, he could already imagine what it was going to be. “You’re just going to ‘I see’ me? Like I just told you the weather?!”
“Subaru, please calm yourself,” Julius said, his tone devastatingly polite, accentuating the distance Subaru feared his confession made. Julius stood from his desk, rounding the table to stand in front of Subaru. “This is not the proper time or setting for such a discussion. We have responsibilities to consider, and–”
“Don’t give me that political garbage!” Subaru yelled, his emotions reaching a boiling point, unable to stop himself from grabbing the lapels of Julius’ jacket. This whole time, Julius hadn’t looked at him. He couldn’t find it in his heart to even look at Subaru properly? Is that how disgusted he was?
“Look at me! Don’t look at the floor, or your paperwork, look at me!”
But Subaru was too blinded by his frustration to watch his own footing. As he pulled on Julius’ collar, his heel caught on the heavy edge of the rug. With a startled gasp, Subaru lost his balance entirely, his feet slipping out from under him. Because his hands were still locked in Julius’ coat, his sudden fall dragged Julius forward and down with him.
They hit the floorboards with a heavy thud. Subaru absorbed the brunt of the impact, the breath knocked completely out of him. Julius managed to instinctively catch himself on his forearms, trapping Subaru beneath his chest, their legs tangling hopelessly in the crumpled fabric of the rug.
For a second, the room was completely silent, save for their ragged breathing. Subaru lay pinned against the floor, staring up at Julius’ face just inches from his own. His cheeks burned at their position, a mix of adrenaline and rapidly blooming, agonizing humiliation.
“You’re so mean…” Subaru’s voice cracked.
“Suba–”
“No!” Subaru yelled, hands balling into fists as his nails dug painfully into his palms. But the pain was numbed by his anguish. “I’m right here, but you can’t even acknowledge me properly!”
“If you don’t like me, you should just have the balls to say it!” Subaru sobbed, fists swinging out hitting Julius’ forehead, shoulders, chest; but they had no real strength behind them. “Seriously, I poured my entire heart out for you! The least you could do is reject me properly!”
The tip of his nose and ears were starting to turn red, his eyes stinging. His shame overwhelmed him and burned his cheeks so severely, he couldn’t find a proper outlet for his humiliation, tears manifesting from frustration. “I’m so embarrassed…” Subaru sobbed again. He bit his lip, trying to stop the flow of tears, but it was futile.
He was really crying now, soft sobs being teared from his throat as he laid there in utter humiliation. Not only was he rejected in a way so pathetic it would make anyone cringe, he was crying and throwing a tantrum because of that. Did Julius really think his feelings were so trivial he couldn’t even put in any effort to respond to him? It was no wonder, with the way Subaru was reacting so severely and childish, anybody would cringe in secondhand embarrassment.
His hands kept hitting Julius’ chest weakly without any real power. He wanted to escape; run away to the comfort of his room and cry on Beatrice’s shoulder. He should’ve listened to the voice in his head that told him it was a stupid idea. He should’ve listened when it told him Julius would never see him that way. He should’ve listened when it said he would ruin their friendship. The pang of regret dug painfully into his chest. How ironic. He had done this in the first place to avoid such a soul deprecating feeling. But now, waves of misery, humiliation, and distress was all he could feel.
It was easier to be by his side as friends rather than whatever position he had put himself into. Maybe Julius didn't want to be friends with him anymore? Didn’t want to talk to him, be near him, or even see him anymore? Maybe Julius was disgusted by him? Maybe-
“Subaru!”
Julius’ call shocked him out of his thoughts. Julius had taken both of his wrists into his hands, and he had not noticed his own body writhing to escape from his grip. Julius’ grip tightened, sending a rush of butterflies down to Subaru’s stomach. He froze, taking in Julius’ expression. His lilac bangs that always fell perfectly framed his face as he looked down upon Subaru, his eyebrows were furrowed, a tell-tale sign of his composure breaking, his golden eyes shimmered with longing and desperation, and his lips, red and bitten, were mouthing words to him. Ah, even from this position, Julius was undoubtedly breathtaking.
“You’re wrong. You greatly misunderstand! I–” Julius’ voice trembled. He leaned even closer from where their bodies already shared warmth tangled on the floor. “I am not rejecting you, Subaru! The very thought of turning you away makes my blood run cold!”
Subaru’s breath caught in his throat. He stopped trying to pull his wrists away, resting them beside his head. His ears burned at the position they were in, Julius’ towering over him, pinning him down. “Then why…”
Julius let out a shuddering breath, his forehead coming down to rest on Subaru’s shoulder. His tight grip on Subaru’s wrists relaxed, hands sliding up to interlock their fingers, pinning their hands to the floorboards. The rest of Subaru’s tension dissipated at the tender gesture.
“Because you caught me entirely unprepared,” Julius murmured, his voice muffled against the collar of Subaru’s tracksuit. He continued, voice devoid of his usual elegant pride, “a confession of love… It is not something to be met with carelessness. Especially not from you.” Julius lifted his head, meeting Subaru’s gaze with such passion it made Subaru’s hand twitch with the urge to run away again.
“If I am to be the one who holds your heart, I refuse to do it casually. I wanted to do this right. I wanted to approach you with the proper decorum, to court you with the honor you rightfully deserve.” Julius bit his lips, a light flush covering his cheekbones, before continuing, “I was waiting for a time when the world was quiet enough to offer you my everything.”
Subaru lay there frozen, tears cooling on his cheeks that were steadily increasing in temperature. “Court me…?” Subaru squeaked out, having been stunned into a dizzying shock. “You… you wanted to court me? L-Like, with flowers and, and knightly etiquette stuff?”
“Yes,” Julius whispered, leaning down further to nuzzle his nose against Subaru’s cheek. His gaze flickered for a moment, down to Subaru’s agape lips, before snapping back up to lock eyes with him. “I want to be the man worthy of standing by your side. If you will still have me, after having caused you such anguish… please, let me show you.” Julius begged, hand coming up to gently wipe Subaru’s tears.
Subaru blinked through the haze, his brain completely short-circuiting. The voice in his head was instantly silenced, replaced by a warmth that spread all the way to his core.
“You’re such an idiot,” Subaru grumbled, though there was no heat in it. He couldn’t care less about proper timing, and certainly didn’t care about knight decorum. He pulled his other hand free, bringing both of them around Julius’ neck and yanking him down.
Julius didn’t resist. His lips met Subaru’s in a collision that was breathless, messy, and intensely desperate. It wasn’t perfect, or orchestrated, and wasn’t a gentlemanly kiss. It was heavy with passion and real, filled with the relief of reciprocated feelings. Julius poured out all the words he didn’t know how to say against Subaru’s lips, hands moving up to cup his face. His fingers tangled into dark hair, holding him close.
Subaru let out a ragged sigh into the kiss, parting his lips to let Julius’ tongue invade his mouth. Every doubt he had harbored was burned away against the tickle of Julius’ tongue against the roof of his mouth and the fierce heat of Julius’ attention.
Julius pulled back just a fraction–a string of saliva connecting their wet lips–and pressed his forehead firmly against Subaru’s. “I suppose,” Julius murmured, smiling against Subaru’s lips, “a traditional courtship is out of the question.”
His eyes were seriously pretty.
Subaru huffed out a laugh, fingers tightening in the fabric of Julius’ jacket. “Not a chance, Julius.”